~Chapter 11~
A tinny, metallic voice suddenly sounded from behind me. I was concentrating so hard on how I would be getting inside that room, I had no idea one of the Wizard's tiktoks had seen me enter. I was dead in the water.
"Bring her in." said a voice from inside the study. I knew that voice; it belonged to the man who had spent years trying to find new ways to make my life a misery. The machine grabbed my arm in a literal iron grip, and half dragged me into the study. No matter how hard I tried to resist I couldn't get out of its grasp, and the more I struggled the harder it squeezed my arm until it had cut off my circulation entirely.
"So, we have the misfortune to be meeting again." The Wizard had a sickening smug smile on his face as he said this.
"How did you know I was here?" I spat, revulsion and rage contorting my face into an expression of pure hatred.
"I don't think you really want to know, but since you won't want to hear it, I'll tell you. Sooner or later."
He dismissed the guards standing in the room, then once they were gone started to digress on in a lengthy monologue I paid no heed to. As he spoke I began to mutter under my breath, never once taking my eyes off his face. The moment had come to get this whole agonizing scheme into motion. I remembered the spell as clearly as if I was looking at the Grimmerie page itself. For once I actually believed I could do this, and do it right. I continued speaking the incantation, emboldened by my success so far. My passionate hatred for the Wizard, so blatantly obvious on my face, gave power to the words as they rolled off my tongue. They sent a resonating feel of intense energy through me, the thrum of it singing through my veins.
"And, my dear witch, would you now like to hear how your presence was called to my attention? Or maybe why there was such a lack of guards crawling around the place? Why none of my people were in the halls like they normally are at this time of night?" His raised tone caused me to grant his words a little more notice than I was previously paying them. For some incomprehensible reason I wanted to know how he was aware of my breaking and entering. It dawned on me then the fact of how I hadn't given a thought to any possible reasons why the hallways of the palace had been so deserted.
I still hadn't taken my eyes off him, still hadn't stopped the progression of my incantation. The Wizard continued, his face taking on the hungry, triumphant expression of a wolf that's just cornered a frightened doe.
"Even though I had no idea of this little plot of yours to begin with, a certain someone alluded to it, however she wouldn't give me the details. Oh, but I have ways of making people talk. This particular little one was quite hard to break, but they all come around eventually." He snapped his fingers, and one of his guards, the one that looked the strongest of the lot, reentered a moment or two later, his hand tangled tightly in the curly blonde mane attached to Glinda's head. I realized there was a bruise spreading under her eye and a long cut down her right arm that I hadn't noticed in the relative darkness of the hallway she had seen me in earlier. I looked on in horror as the guard flung her to the floor, then left without a glance over his shoulder.
"It seemed she valued her own life more than she did yours and for good reason, otherwise she'd be dead right now." the Wizard said, the wolf in his face intensifying as if he was moving in for the kill.
I stumbled over my own tongue, struggling to continue the spell, but it was no use. My concentration and eye contact had broken. There was no picking up where I left off. A sharp pain lanced up my spine and the merciless, numb shell I had encased myself in shattered. The tiktok holding me grabbed my other arm as the Wizard pulled a small knife from his belt. He held the blade before my face, whispering "Your game is over. You have no way to protect Glinda, nor a way to protect yourself. I am going to enjoy extinguishing the flame that burns within you." He took the very tip of the knife and sliced a long, thin line from my temple over the hinge of my jaw and down to the base of my throat. Blood bloomed over the wound and ran down the side of my face, the moisture searing over my skin as it dripped slowly.
"No wait, I have something else in mind that'll do better than just finish you." he said. He placed the blade on the desk in the middle of the room and called for the guard that had brought Glinda into the study. When he entered the Wizard leaned against the front of the desk and gestured over to me. "She's yours. Do what you will with her."
I hadn't been afraid before, but once I heard what had come out of the Wizard's mouth I became the frightened doe about to be preyed upon by the wolf's murderous, lustful underling. The guard violently tore my wrists from the tiktok's grasp and smiled a bloodthirsty grin. In my fear I hadn't noticed that Glinda had struggled to her feet and grabbed the blade the Wizard had laid aside.
Seconds later a strained gurgle escaped the lips of the Wizard, and he fell to the floor, Glinda standing over him with the bloodied weapon in her hand. The guard in front of me turned his head to see what had fallen and as he did I wrenched myself from his hands. He swung his arm back, preparing to lay a blow across my face, but before he could connect the back of his hand with my cheek Glinda had plunged the knife deep into his back. The corpse fell forward onto me and I pushed it backward to the floor, repulsed and trembling. I took one look at Glinda, blood covering her hands and clothing and ran.
I ran from the palace and bolted out into the early morning rays of dawn. The streets were still as deserted as when I had departed hours earlier, a small blessing after the hell I had experienced in the palace. I took a different route than I had when I had left Fiyero; old habits died hard. I ran as if it could help me escape from the events I had witnessed; if only I could flee from my own failure!
I slowed when I approached the hovel that passed for my home, opened the door and shut it quietly behind me. Fiyero was sitting at the table, his face haggard. I noticed the red around his eyes and the streaks down his skin. He had been crying. I had never seen him cry before.
"Elphie, I was so afraid. Why didn't you wake me before you left?" he asked. I didn't reply.
"Are you alright?" Still I didn't respond. He watched me as I slowly walked across the room, sat down on the bed and leaned against the headboard. I drew my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I pressed my closed eyes to my knees; they burned as if filled with tears, yet there was no moisture collecting in them. My mind reeled with hurt and betrayal, intense fear and sadness. My whole body ached; every muscle in me was taut and tense.
Fiyero approached and sat down beside me. He tried to massage my shoulders but I shied away from his touch, he tried to take my hand and I flinched visibly.
"Elphaba, what – "
"Leave me alone." I cut him off, my words sharp and biting.
"But Elphie – "
"I said leave me alone!" I lifted my face, glaring fiercely at him. I did not want to be comforted nor did I want his company; I wanted to be left to deal with my failure alone.
At first he seemed taken aback, and then he looked as if he was going to ignore my words and stay with me, but then he drew back. His face took on a look of fiery defiance, but his anger quickly cooled to hurt. He left me there and stood over at the opposite wall, staring out the window, looking beaten and defeated. I was instantly sorry my words had been so cold; I had deeply wounded him in speaking so. I had caused enough people excessive amounts of pain and Fiyero was the last person I wanted to hurt, but I could tell he didn't want to hear from me anymore at the moment; an apology would do him no good now.
I closed my eyes against life and all its endless miseries, lowered myself so that I was resting on my side, and tried to ignore the growing emptiness overtaking my heart. Curling up tightly I forced myself to sleep. For the most part I did not dream, and when I did, there were nightmares haunting my subconscious.
I slept until dawn the next day, and awoke with the blankets twisted tightly around my legs. I had dreamed I'd been running; fleeing from my past and the reality that felt like it was all a warped, never-ending game. No matter how far or fast I ran, I would never be able to escape from myself. I wished I could wake up from this nightmare somewhere far from here, in a different person's body with a different person's memories. I had no desire to continue living as myself. I had no desire to continue living at all.
When I had fallen asleep the day before I hadn't been under the covers; Fiyero must have tucked me underneath them as I slept. He was sitting in a chair by the window, his head resting on his arms; I had a feeling he hadn't slept much in a position like that. My heart sank to see him that way. Part of me wanted him lying beside me, telling me it would all turn out alright, but the far larger part needed to be alone to deal with myself in my own way. I wanted to deserve his love, but I never could. I had hurt him far too deeply to forgive myself for it. I closed my eyes once again, sealing myself and my grief off from him; he didn't need to feel what I was on top of the pain I had already caused him.
The next time I awoke light streamed into the room in wide ribbons from the one small window. I heard voices speaking in low tones; the deeper one was Fiyero, trying not to wake me. The other was higher and upset; Glinda.
"Fiyero, I have to talk to her."
"Let her sleep. You don't know what she's been through. I don't even know as of right now, but she doesn't need to relive it so soon after."
"Please, I – I need to tell her I'm sorry."
I pushed myself up into a sitting position. "Glinda, please, not now. I – I just can't."
"Elphie –" she started to protest.
"No, Glinda. I'm just not ready for it yet." My voice was tired and beaten.
She seemed weak and sad, nothing like how she was two nights ago in the palace. She seemed – older somehow, different. I couldn't help feeling like I had caused her to age before her time.
Glinda opened the door, and glanced back at me one last time before leaving.
Fiyero approached me carefully, and wrapped an arm around me. I gently pushed him away, still not ready to be comforted. I shook my head and gave a feeble attempt at a smile. He nodded, expressionless, and sat down at the table. Chistery climbed up onto the table, gave me a good long look, and nestled himself in the crook of Fiyero's arm. I sat in the vacated chair by the window and stared outside, my eyes unseeing.
Hours later when I looked away from the window the stars had begun to peek out through the black, moonless night. Fiyero was in bed, sleeping soundly; he badly needed it after his past two virtually sleepless nights.
I couldn't believe I had failed. All I had tried to accomplish had come crashing down around me, and in the end I had to be rescued by Glinda, the woman who had told me that there was no way in Oz I could get her to help me with my plan. I was humiliated and defeated, yet I resigned myself to accept it. It was just that everything I had ever tried to do I'd either screwed beyond hope or had come back to haunt me in the years to come; it always ended in someone's getting hurt in some way. I was the ruination of yet another operation that I'd counted on doing right. I didn't want to fail anymore; I didn't want to hurt anyone again.
The tears finally came after days of refusal to acknowledge the pain. They burned brutally as they rolled down my face, but I didn't have the heart to find something to wipe them away with. Unconsciously I began to sob; the soft, almost inaudible sound escaped my lips. It was the first time I had ever really cried, letting my tears flow freely and paying no heed to the pain they caused.
Before I knew what was happening Fiyero's arms were around me and he was wiping my face with a towel, then helping me smooth oil over the burns. Soon enough my tears had been spent, but the dry sobs continued. He cradled me close, rubbing a hand in large, slow circles on my back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder, unable to speak. He lifted me and carried me over to the bed. I vaguely heard Fiyero whispering in my ear, urging me to sleep; my sobs had turned silent at last and eventually I stopped shuddering from them. He murmured soothingly to me, trying to calm me down. His hand kept rubbing my back, the other smoothing back my hair. I drew in a shaky breath; my crying finally ceased. I fell asleep enfolded in his embrace, lulled into slumber by the steady beat of his heart and his voice assuring me that somehow it would all be alright.
A tinny, metallic voice suddenly sounded from behind me. I was concentrating so hard on how I would be getting inside that room, I had no idea one of the Wizard's tiktoks had seen me enter. I was dead in the water.
"Bring her in." said a voice from inside the study. I knew that voice; it belonged to the man who had spent years trying to find new ways to make my life a misery. The machine grabbed my arm in a literal iron grip, and half dragged me into the study. No matter how hard I tried to resist I couldn't get out of its grasp, and the more I struggled the harder it squeezed my arm until it had cut off my circulation entirely.
"So, we have the misfortune to be meeting again." The Wizard had a sickening smug smile on his face as he said this.
"How did you know I was here?" I spat, revulsion and rage contorting my face into an expression of pure hatred.
"I don't think you really want to know, but since you won't want to hear it, I'll tell you. Sooner or later."
He dismissed the guards standing in the room, then once they were gone started to digress on in a lengthy monologue I paid no heed to. As he spoke I began to mutter under my breath, never once taking my eyes off his face. The moment had come to get this whole agonizing scheme into motion. I remembered the spell as clearly as if I was looking at the Grimmerie page itself. For once I actually believed I could do this, and do it right. I continued speaking the incantation, emboldened by my success so far. My passionate hatred for the Wizard, so blatantly obvious on my face, gave power to the words as they rolled off my tongue. They sent a resonating feel of intense energy through me, the thrum of it singing through my veins.
"And, my dear witch, would you now like to hear how your presence was called to my attention? Or maybe why there was such a lack of guards crawling around the place? Why none of my people were in the halls like they normally are at this time of night?" His raised tone caused me to grant his words a little more notice than I was previously paying them. For some incomprehensible reason I wanted to know how he was aware of my breaking and entering. It dawned on me then the fact of how I hadn't given a thought to any possible reasons why the hallways of the palace had been so deserted.
I still hadn't taken my eyes off him, still hadn't stopped the progression of my incantation. The Wizard continued, his face taking on the hungry, triumphant expression of a wolf that's just cornered a frightened doe.
"Even though I had no idea of this little plot of yours to begin with, a certain someone alluded to it, however she wouldn't give me the details. Oh, but I have ways of making people talk. This particular little one was quite hard to break, but they all come around eventually." He snapped his fingers, and one of his guards, the one that looked the strongest of the lot, reentered a moment or two later, his hand tangled tightly in the curly blonde mane attached to Glinda's head. I realized there was a bruise spreading under her eye and a long cut down her right arm that I hadn't noticed in the relative darkness of the hallway she had seen me in earlier. I looked on in horror as the guard flung her to the floor, then left without a glance over his shoulder.
"It seemed she valued her own life more than she did yours and for good reason, otherwise she'd be dead right now." the Wizard said, the wolf in his face intensifying as if he was moving in for the kill.
I stumbled over my own tongue, struggling to continue the spell, but it was no use. My concentration and eye contact had broken. There was no picking up where I left off. A sharp pain lanced up my spine and the merciless, numb shell I had encased myself in shattered. The tiktok holding me grabbed my other arm as the Wizard pulled a small knife from his belt. He held the blade before my face, whispering "Your game is over. You have no way to protect Glinda, nor a way to protect yourself. I am going to enjoy extinguishing the flame that burns within you." He took the very tip of the knife and sliced a long, thin line from my temple over the hinge of my jaw and down to the base of my throat. Blood bloomed over the wound and ran down the side of my face, the moisture searing over my skin as it dripped slowly.
"No wait, I have something else in mind that'll do better than just finish you." he said. He placed the blade on the desk in the middle of the room and called for the guard that had brought Glinda into the study. When he entered the Wizard leaned against the front of the desk and gestured over to me. "She's yours. Do what you will with her."
I hadn't been afraid before, but once I heard what had come out of the Wizard's mouth I became the frightened doe about to be preyed upon by the wolf's murderous, lustful underling. The guard violently tore my wrists from the tiktok's grasp and smiled a bloodthirsty grin. In my fear I hadn't noticed that Glinda had struggled to her feet and grabbed the blade the Wizard had laid aside.
Seconds later a strained gurgle escaped the lips of the Wizard, and he fell to the floor, Glinda standing over him with the bloodied weapon in her hand. The guard in front of me turned his head to see what had fallen and as he did I wrenched myself from his hands. He swung his arm back, preparing to lay a blow across my face, but before he could connect the back of his hand with my cheek Glinda had plunged the knife deep into his back. The corpse fell forward onto me and I pushed it backward to the floor, repulsed and trembling. I took one look at Glinda, blood covering her hands and clothing and ran.
I ran from the palace and bolted out into the early morning rays of dawn. The streets were still as deserted as when I had departed hours earlier, a small blessing after the hell I had experienced in the palace. I took a different route than I had when I had left Fiyero; old habits died hard. I ran as if it could help me escape from the events I had witnessed; if only I could flee from my own failure!
I slowed when I approached the hovel that passed for my home, opened the door and shut it quietly behind me. Fiyero was sitting at the table, his face haggard. I noticed the red around his eyes and the streaks down his skin. He had been crying. I had never seen him cry before.
"Elphie, I was so afraid. Why didn't you wake me before you left?" he asked. I didn't reply.
"Are you alright?" Still I didn't respond. He watched me as I slowly walked across the room, sat down on the bed and leaned against the headboard. I drew my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I pressed my closed eyes to my knees; they burned as if filled with tears, yet there was no moisture collecting in them. My mind reeled with hurt and betrayal, intense fear and sadness. My whole body ached; every muscle in me was taut and tense.
Fiyero approached and sat down beside me. He tried to massage my shoulders but I shied away from his touch, he tried to take my hand and I flinched visibly.
"Elphaba, what – "
"Leave me alone." I cut him off, my words sharp and biting.
"But Elphie – "
"I said leave me alone!" I lifted my face, glaring fiercely at him. I did not want to be comforted nor did I want his company; I wanted to be left to deal with my failure alone.
At first he seemed taken aback, and then he looked as if he was going to ignore my words and stay with me, but then he drew back. His face took on a look of fiery defiance, but his anger quickly cooled to hurt. He left me there and stood over at the opposite wall, staring out the window, looking beaten and defeated. I was instantly sorry my words had been so cold; I had deeply wounded him in speaking so. I had caused enough people excessive amounts of pain and Fiyero was the last person I wanted to hurt, but I could tell he didn't want to hear from me anymore at the moment; an apology would do him no good now.
I closed my eyes against life and all its endless miseries, lowered myself so that I was resting on my side, and tried to ignore the growing emptiness overtaking my heart. Curling up tightly I forced myself to sleep. For the most part I did not dream, and when I did, there were nightmares haunting my subconscious.
I slept until dawn the next day, and awoke with the blankets twisted tightly around my legs. I had dreamed I'd been running; fleeing from my past and the reality that felt like it was all a warped, never-ending game. No matter how far or fast I ran, I would never be able to escape from myself. I wished I could wake up from this nightmare somewhere far from here, in a different person's body with a different person's memories. I had no desire to continue living as myself. I had no desire to continue living at all.
When I had fallen asleep the day before I hadn't been under the covers; Fiyero must have tucked me underneath them as I slept. He was sitting in a chair by the window, his head resting on his arms; I had a feeling he hadn't slept much in a position like that. My heart sank to see him that way. Part of me wanted him lying beside me, telling me it would all turn out alright, but the far larger part needed to be alone to deal with myself in my own way. I wanted to deserve his love, but I never could. I had hurt him far too deeply to forgive myself for it. I closed my eyes once again, sealing myself and my grief off from him; he didn't need to feel what I was on top of the pain I had already caused him.
The next time I awoke light streamed into the room in wide ribbons from the one small window. I heard voices speaking in low tones; the deeper one was Fiyero, trying not to wake me. The other was higher and upset; Glinda.
"Fiyero, I have to talk to her."
"Let her sleep. You don't know what she's been through. I don't even know as of right now, but she doesn't need to relive it so soon after."
"Please, I – I need to tell her I'm sorry."
I pushed myself up into a sitting position. "Glinda, please, not now. I – I just can't."
"Elphie –" she started to protest.
"No, Glinda. I'm just not ready for it yet." My voice was tired and beaten.
She seemed weak and sad, nothing like how she was two nights ago in the palace. She seemed – older somehow, different. I couldn't help feeling like I had caused her to age before her time.
Glinda opened the door, and glanced back at me one last time before leaving.
Fiyero approached me carefully, and wrapped an arm around me. I gently pushed him away, still not ready to be comforted. I shook my head and gave a feeble attempt at a smile. He nodded, expressionless, and sat down at the table. Chistery climbed up onto the table, gave me a good long look, and nestled himself in the crook of Fiyero's arm. I sat in the vacated chair by the window and stared outside, my eyes unseeing.
Hours later when I looked away from the window the stars had begun to peek out through the black, moonless night. Fiyero was in bed, sleeping soundly; he badly needed it after his past two virtually sleepless nights.
I couldn't believe I had failed. All I had tried to accomplish had come crashing down around me, and in the end I had to be rescued by Glinda, the woman who had told me that there was no way in Oz I could get her to help me with my plan. I was humiliated and defeated, yet I resigned myself to accept it. It was just that everything I had ever tried to do I'd either screwed beyond hope or had come back to haunt me in the years to come; it always ended in someone's getting hurt in some way. I was the ruination of yet another operation that I'd counted on doing right. I didn't want to fail anymore; I didn't want to hurt anyone again.
The tears finally came after days of refusal to acknowledge the pain. They burned brutally as they rolled down my face, but I didn't have the heart to find something to wipe them away with. Unconsciously I began to sob; the soft, almost inaudible sound escaped my lips. It was the first time I had ever really cried, letting my tears flow freely and paying no heed to the pain they caused.
Before I knew what was happening Fiyero's arms were around me and he was wiping my face with a towel, then helping me smooth oil over the burns. Soon enough my tears had been spent, but the dry sobs continued. He cradled me close, rubbing a hand in large, slow circles on my back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder, unable to speak. He lifted me and carried me over to the bed. I vaguely heard Fiyero whispering in my ear, urging me to sleep; my sobs had turned silent at last and eventually I stopped shuddering from them. He murmured soothingly to me, trying to calm me down. His hand kept rubbing my back, the other smoothing back my hair. I drew in a shaky breath; my crying finally ceased. I fell asleep enfolded in his embrace, lulled into slumber by the steady beat of his heart and his voice assuring me that somehow it would all be alright.