~Chapter 16~
We made our way slowly through the misty air back to our small home and almost nonexistent life; Fiyero too hurt to show emotion and myself as of then not capable of it. He carried Glinda's corpse, walking behind me as I led the way along a different route than I had taken to the square.
I opened the Grimmerie once more when we arrived; I no longer cared how much damage the book had caused. I ran my hand down one shimmering page, quickly taking in the spell I was about to attempt. I beckoned Fiyero to follow me behind our tiny domicile; he laid Glinda's body where I instructed him to, then I began muttering the words of the spell. Soon enough her body was reduced to ashes, even though no flame had flared up to engulf her. I leaned back against the wall, gazing fixedly at the cinders the spell left behind.
:Of course the only spell I've ever actually completed correctly was in response to another death.: I thought. There was nothing filling the space in my mind-voice that would've housed bitterness; the emptiness had complete control over me, the emptiness and…something else. My mind had begun to thaw from its iciness and was no longer completely vacant of emotion.
There was one prominent thought racing through my mind; :You've broken him, Elphaba. You've pushed Fiyero away one too many times. If you carry on like this much longer the only thing you'll accomplish is to crush him further. Look what happened to Glinda; look how much damage you've caused. If you want to stop hurting people you'll have to end it once and for all. There's only one way to do that.:
My mind was made up. I loved him; I wanted him to be happy, and he could never be happy with me the way I was and I was likely to only keep pushing him away out of love. His hurt would stop faster if I'd just go. I knew now how I'd be leaving. My existence had hurt others too many times.
I stood there unmoving, Fiyero beside me, until all of the ash had been carried away on the wind. Only then would I move back inside. I shrugged off my wet cloak and cast aside the gloves.
"Where's the switchblade?" I asked flatly, my intentions made clear by the query.
"No, I won't let you do that." he said coldly. "I can't let you do that to yourself."
"You have to."
"No I don't, and I won't."
"I've lost everything. I've neither dignity nor the will to stay alive any longer. Let me have the switch."
"I said no."
"I don't care!" I shouted. "Anything is better than what I've been reduced to. At least now that I don't have the ability to feel much in the way of pain at least I won't have to endure it for long."
"Elphaba, I do care! I care too much about you to let you commit suicide!"
"Apparently I don't care at all about myself, Fiyero, so just give me the damn blade and let's be done with it!"
He stared at me long and hard, but made no move to speak or to retrieve the knife I wanted.
"The faster I get this over with the faster we won't have to suffer anymore! You'll have your life and I'll be gone, where I want to be!"
"I never had a life until there was you! How do you expect me to have life if you don't? I hate to see you broken because when you break yourself you break me! You'll kill us both if you commit suicide!"
"I've been dying a slow, painful death for years; it's about time I came to my senses and ended it before I hurt anyone else! You're family's dead because of me, and now Glinda is no more than ashes on the wind! If I stay much longer you'll be lost to me as well! I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's life, especially not yours! Just because I die doesn't mean you will! If I leave you have a better chance of staying alive!"
"If you're not here I have no reason to live."
"Yes you do; think of it as my freeing you from a life in hiding."
"I don't want to be freed!" he yelled, turning sharply away, then continuing more softly this time, "I can't fight with you anymore."
Exhausted and incredibly incensed, I threw myself onto the bed and tried to shut Fiyero out of my mind. At the moment I was remorseless and only knew my own anger and my strong desire to die. I pressed my eyes shut and forced myself to rest. It didn't take much effort to command myself into sleep. I barely noticed when Fiyero slipped under the covers and wrapped his arms around my body, but I awoke later in the night and disentangled him from me. There would be no contact, no comfort, if I could not feel it. I felt as if lodged into a waking dream; you could experience neither pain nor pleasure while unconscious. I almost wanted to stay in this state of almost-wakefulness; at least it kept the pain away. Drifting away into dreamless sleep, I abandoned everything; reality was pain, fantasies caused pain, there was no in-between. I could only achieve that painless equilibrium while lacking consciousness.
When I awoke my rage had all bled away from me and I was once more tangled together with Fiyero. I cringed away from the contact. The rage may have been gone but my intentions were still as they were the night before. He shouldn't be here with me. If he stayed with me much longer surely I would slip somewhere and he'd be gone like Glinda's ashes scattered across Oz. I pushed myself back and up off the bed just to avoid his touch; it wasn't the soft touch itself that repulsed me, it was the fact that I was the one he wanted to touch. Why was he with me when I brought him more hurt than happiness? Why did he want me? Why was I here? Why was I alive? Everyone in Oz save for one person thought I was dead and rightfully I should be rather than alive and leaving disaster in my wake.
I sat by the window again; the rain had at last ceased it's bombardment of the glass and for that small detail I was grateful. After sitting there, staring at nothing for maybe an hour or so, his voice broke the silence, its tone quiet, almost aching.
"Why do you push me away?"
I forced myself to remain still; I couldn't look at him and not hurt.
"Elphaba, why won't you let me in?" he sighed, burying his head in his hands. "It's always a fight with you, to try to get you to trust me. I want – no, I need you to trust me. You need you place your trust in someone or you'll forget how; you'll eat yourself alive from the inside out."
I turned my head to look at him. He went on.
"I can see what you're doing to yourself. I watch you hurt yourself and it hurts me to see you so broken. I know the losses you've seen and lived through, I know you can live beyond this. The question is whether or not you want to. I only wish you could see…" he faded out and turned away from me.
"See what?"
"See –" he began, and then, "Forget it; you'll only shut me out again."
"No, tell me."
"I need you to take the time to really see yourself, to rediscover who you are."
"What good will that do me? It won't bring back the ones I've lost, or repair the things I've done wrong. It won't erase the scars; delving back into memory will only break open old wounds and cause them to bleed again." He didn't answer, only stared at me with a piercing dark gaze, his eyes and face hard.
"I have enough fresh wounds to deal with without bothering with those long healed." I finished.
"No, Elphaba, you haven't even begun to heal. You're still bleeding out of gashes that are years and years old."
"How would you know what I feel?" I cried, glaring at him.
"I know because I've felt it, too! I know what real pain is!" he answered, crossing the room in two strides and seizing me in his arms. The breath caught in my lungs and my vision was captured in his eyes, so dark and intense – and beautiful. His eyes were breathtaking.
"Can you feel this?" he whispered. I could feel him against me, almost too close for comfort; it was so different compared to the night before. It seemed every inch of my skin was alert and throbbed with the pulse of love, despair, longing, and heartache. I needed comfort and yet didn't want it. I needed to touch him but I couldn't for fear of hurting him. I needed him to touch me but I had to distance myself from him in order to make sure I didn't hurt him again.
"I can't, I'll –"
"No, dearheart, you'll only hurt me if you continue to close yourself off from me. Your pain falls upon me so much stronger when I see you pulling away out of fear. Please, Elphie, don't hide from love."
"No, it's not – I just can't bear to…" I trailed off my words into a sigh as he trailed a line of kisses over the curve of my neck.
"No, Fiyero, you can't; I can't…" He put a finger to my lips to silence me.
"Yes, we can. We can make our way through this. You can overcome whatever it is that keeps you from me; I'll help you get past your loss if you'll help me get past mine. Say we can do this, Elphie, say we can." he breathed, whispering into my hair.
"I don't know. I've been so, I've done so much to you; why do you still want me like this? Why do you still want me to stay?"
"Because I love you. Don't make yourself lonely when we're together."
"I love you too. That's why I need you to kill me."
We made our way slowly through the misty air back to our small home and almost nonexistent life; Fiyero too hurt to show emotion and myself as of then not capable of it. He carried Glinda's corpse, walking behind me as I led the way along a different route than I had taken to the square.
I opened the Grimmerie once more when we arrived; I no longer cared how much damage the book had caused. I ran my hand down one shimmering page, quickly taking in the spell I was about to attempt. I beckoned Fiyero to follow me behind our tiny domicile; he laid Glinda's body where I instructed him to, then I began muttering the words of the spell. Soon enough her body was reduced to ashes, even though no flame had flared up to engulf her. I leaned back against the wall, gazing fixedly at the cinders the spell left behind.
:Of course the only spell I've ever actually completed correctly was in response to another death.: I thought. There was nothing filling the space in my mind-voice that would've housed bitterness; the emptiness had complete control over me, the emptiness and…something else. My mind had begun to thaw from its iciness and was no longer completely vacant of emotion.
There was one prominent thought racing through my mind; :You've broken him, Elphaba. You've pushed Fiyero away one too many times. If you carry on like this much longer the only thing you'll accomplish is to crush him further. Look what happened to Glinda; look how much damage you've caused. If you want to stop hurting people you'll have to end it once and for all. There's only one way to do that.:
My mind was made up. I loved him; I wanted him to be happy, and he could never be happy with me the way I was and I was likely to only keep pushing him away out of love. His hurt would stop faster if I'd just go. I knew now how I'd be leaving. My existence had hurt others too many times.
I stood there unmoving, Fiyero beside me, until all of the ash had been carried away on the wind. Only then would I move back inside. I shrugged off my wet cloak and cast aside the gloves.
"Where's the switchblade?" I asked flatly, my intentions made clear by the query.
"No, I won't let you do that." he said coldly. "I can't let you do that to yourself."
"You have to."
"No I don't, and I won't."
"I've lost everything. I've neither dignity nor the will to stay alive any longer. Let me have the switch."
"I said no."
"I don't care!" I shouted. "Anything is better than what I've been reduced to. At least now that I don't have the ability to feel much in the way of pain at least I won't have to endure it for long."
"Elphaba, I do care! I care too much about you to let you commit suicide!"
"Apparently I don't care at all about myself, Fiyero, so just give me the damn blade and let's be done with it!"
He stared at me long and hard, but made no move to speak or to retrieve the knife I wanted.
"The faster I get this over with the faster we won't have to suffer anymore! You'll have your life and I'll be gone, where I want to be!"
"I never had a life until there was you! How do you expect me to have life if you don't? I hate to see you broken because when you break yourself you break me! You'll kill us both if you commit suicide!"
"I've been dying a slow, painful death for years; it's about time I came to my senses and ended it before I hurt anyone else! You're family's dead because of me, and now Glinda is no more than ashes on the wind! If I stay much longer you'll be lost to me as well! I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's life, especially not yours! Just because I die doesn't mean you will! If I leave you have a better chance of staying alive!"
"If you're not here I have no reason to live."
"Yes you do; think of it as my freeing you from a life in hiding."
"I don't want to be freed!" he yelled, turning sharply away, then continuing more softly this time, "I can't fight with you anymore."
Exhausted and incredibly incensed, I threw myself onto the bed and tried to shut Fiyero out of my mind. At the moment I was remorseless and only knew my own anger and my strong desire to die. I pressed my eyes shut and forced myself to rest. It didn't take much effort to command myself into sleep. I barely noticed when Fiyero slipped under the covers and wrapped his arms around my body, but I awoke later in the night and disentangled him from me. There would be no contact, no comfort, if I could not feel it. I felt as if lodged into a waking dream; you could experience neither pain nor pleasure while unconscious. I almost wanted to stay in this state of almost-wakefulness; at least it kept the pain away. Drifting away into dreamless sleep, I abandoned everything; reality was pain, fantasies caused pain, there was no in-between. I could only achieve that painless equilibrium while lacking consciousness.
When I awoke my rage had all bled away from me and I was once more tangled together with Fiyero. I cringed away from the contact. The rage may have been gone but my intentions were still as they were the night before. He shouldn't be here with me. If he stayed with me much longer surely I would slip somewhere and he'd be gone like Glinda's ashes scattered across Oz. I pushed myself back and up off the bed just to avoid his touch; it wasn't the soft touch itself that repulsed me, it was the fact that I was the one he wanted to touch. Why was he with me when I brought him more hurt than happiness? Why did he want me? Why was I here? Why was I alive? Everyone in Oz save for one person thought I was dead and rightfully I should be rather than alive and leaving disaster in my wake.
I sat by the window again; the rain had at last ceased it's bombardment of the glass and for that small detail I was grateful. After sitting there, staring at nothing for maybe an hour or so, his voice broke the silence, its tone quiet, almost aching.
"Why do you push me away?"
I forced myself to remain still; I couldn't look at him and not hurt.
"Elphaba, why won't you let me in?" he sighed, burying his head in his hands. "It's always a fight with you, to try to get you to trust me. I want – no, I need you to trust me. You need you place your trust in someone or you'll forget how; you'll eat yourself alive from the inside out."
I turned my head to look at him. He went on.
"I can see what you're doing to yourself. I watch you hurt yourself and it hurts me to see you so broken. I know the losses you've seen and lived through, I know you can live beyond this. The question is whether or not you want to. I only wish you could see…" he faded out and turned away from me.
"See what?"
"See –" he began, and then, "Forget it; you'll only shut me out again."
"No, tell me."
"I need you to take the time to really see yourself, to rediscover who you are."
"What good will that do me? It won't bring back the ones I've lost, or repair the things I've done wrong. It won't erase the scars; delving back into memory will only break open old wounds and cause them to bleed again." He didn't answer, only stared at me with a piercing dark gaze, his eyes and face hard.
"I have enough fresh wounds to deal with without bothering with those long healed." I finished.
"No, Elphaba, you haven't even begun to heal. You're still bleeding out of gashes that are years and years old."
"How would you know what I feel?" I cried, glaring at him.
"I know because I've felt it, too! I know what real pain is!" he answered, crossing the room in two strides and seizing me in his arms. The breath caught in my lungs and my vision was captured in his eyes, so dark and intense – and beautiful. His eyes were breathtaking.
"Can you feel this?" he whispered. I could feel him against me, almost too close for comfort; it was so different compared to the night before. It seemed every inch of my skin was alert and throbbed with the pulse of love, despair, longing, and heartache. I needed comfort and yet didn't want it. I needed to touch him but I couldn't for fear of hurting him. I needed him to touch me but I had to distance myself from him in order to make sure I didn't hurt him again.
"I can't, I'll –"
"No, dearheart, you'll only hurt me if you continue to close yourself off from me. Your pain falls upon me so much stronger when I see you pulling away out of fear. Please, Elphie, don't hide from love."
"No, it's not – I just can't bear to…" I trailed off my words into a sigh as he trailed a line of kisses over the curve of my neck.
"No, Fiyero, you can't; I can't…" He put a finger to my lips to silence me.
"Yes, we can. We can make our way through this. You can overcome whatever it is that keeps you from me; I'll help you get past your loss if you'll help me get past mine. Say we can do this, Elphie, say we can." he breathed, whispering into my hair.
"I don't know. I've been so, I've done so much to you; why do you still want me like this? Why do you still want me to stay?"
"Because I love you. Don't make yourself lonely when we're together."
"I love you too. That's why I need you to kill me."