~Chapter 17~
When Fiyero heard what I'd said he lurched away from me as if I had burned him.
"Elphaba, I could never do that! You have to stop going on like this! You can't be so desperate that you have to ask me to –"
"I am that desperate! I can't bear the thought of hurting anyone again! If I die at least I'll die assured that no other will ever know pain because of me, especially not you!"
"I don't think you even know what pain is anymore! Pain is finally having you here with me but having to watch you turn on yourself! Pain is trying to console or comfort you and feeling like I've done something wrong every time you push me away! Pain is seeing the one you love so defeated and broken that she asks you to help her end her own life!"
"No, Fiyero, pain is being reviled by your own family just because you had the misfortune to have been born. It's being shunned by the world because you're color sets you apart. It's being raped by a man whose name you never even knew. It's believing for years that your lover was murdered at the hands of your hated adversary. It's knowing that your dearest friend and an entire family have died as a result of mistakes you've made." I was quiet in my words, turning my back so he wouldn't see my face.
"You could never have disallowed yourself to be born, and there was no way for you to predetermine that your skin would be so different. Elphie, every single one of those happenings was beyond your power to prevent. You cannot blame yourself for things that were out of and were never within your control."
"But there are so many things I've done that ended up leading to more and more disasters."
"You never knew how they would end."
I couldn't continue without spitting some scathing remark at him and what he had to say. I kept myself turned away from him, clenching my fists so tightly my nails dug into my palms, cutting small crescents into my skin. I swore as the blood blossomed over and hastily went to clean it away.
"Here, let me." Fiyero caught my hands and grabbed a dry towel from the counter, gently wiping away the crimson painting my palms.
"Thank you."
"Mmmn." He sighed, tracing the thin, pale scars on the insides of my wrists with his fingers. "Where did these come from?"
"I tried to kill myself – years ago. Obviously I never did manage to go through with it. I was just too damn afraid."
"Why?"
"Because I thought you had died. That was when I first tried to distance myself from people for fear of something like that happening again. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried it wasn't to be. Your family still died because the Gale Force was trying to get at me. Glinda died because she was trying to protect me." I kept my face turned down. "I don't want protection. I don't want you to have to take care of me, or for you to have to be strong for me. I want people to stay away from me so no one else will have to hurt because of me!" My voice cracked, but still I had no tears to cry. "But I just can't be strong for myself anymore! I can't take being responsible anymore!"
Fiyero pulled me into his arms and held me to his chest. "You don't have to be strong right now. You of all people are definitely entitled to weakness now and again, especially since you so seldom show whatever vulnerability you feel." He kissed my hair and then continued, "Elphie, you're not responsible for those things, you never were. Why can't you see that?"
"I suppose it's because every ill that's befallen Oz over the years has been pinned on those that are different, and those that are different are feared. You don't get much more different than woman the color of the city walls, do you?" I relaxed in his embrace and murmured; "I'm being crushed under it all. Fiyero, I think it's been killing me, slowly, agonizingly eating my heart away until it drives me to wish it would just finish me off already." The last words wavered and died on my lips as I pressed my face into his shoulder, my arms loosely wrapped around his waist. He didn't notice as I slipped my hand into his pocket, the one where his switchblade was housed.
"Shhh. don't talk like that." He cupped my cheek in his hand and made me meet his eyes. I leaned into his touch until my lips were against his palm.
"Elphaba, you have to let it go. When you release yourself from what's been weighing on you the pain will eventually ease itself away."
"I wish that were so." I pulled away from his embrace, the knife curled tightly in my palm. I hid it in my sleeve for the time being, hoping he wouldn't realize it was missing.
"Elphie, it is. All you have to do is let go."
"You just don't understand, do you, Fiyero? You never have! That's not possible! I can't let it all go at the snap of a finger! This has been weighing me down for years – I cannot just wave my hand and wish it all away!" I cried, backing away while gesturing widely with my arms and causing Chistery, who had been watching from his vantage point on top of the table, to run scampering under the bed.
"Believe me, if I could kiss it all away from you I would! You alternate between running hot and cold with me; it's either intimate or a fight! Is there never a day where we can just get by without a shouting match?" he retorted.
"Maybe it's better that way!" I replied.
"And why do you say that?"
"Because it'll soften the fact that I'm gone when I finally work up the nerve to leave! Neither of us will have to miss the other as much!"
"Elphaba, we've been through this! I will not let you kill yourself!"
"Who are you, the father of mine that finally decided to show an interest in me?"
"No, I thought I was your lover. You are making me feel like your warden!"
"You won't have to anymore! It's because I love you that I feel I have to go! If only you'd bother to see through my eyes!" With that I flicked open the blade and began to press it into my wrist. Fiyero lunged to knock it away before it could break the skin but as his hand connected I reflexively flashed the knife away, trying not to let it make contact with him. Unbeknownst to me at the time the arc I would swing it in trying to avoid him would cause the switch to slice deep into his upper arm.
He roared out like a wounded animal as he dropped to his knees, the blood pouring profusely forth from the hideous gash. My breath caught in my throat as I tried to find something to serve as a tourniquet. I grabbed the closest thing within reach; the rose scarf I kept folded beneath my pillow. I wrapped it tight around the wound, his blood covering my hands, hoping against hope that he'd be alright. He passed out from loss of blood, his head falling onto my knees, before I had finished tying the scarf tight enough around his arm.
There was blood everywhere; my hands burned because of it but I was far too afraid to pay it much heed. Once I had his gash sufficiently bound up my shock-dulled senses came around enough to tell me I needed to get the liquid off my skin. I found a towel and seized the bottle of oil sitting on the bedside table; hastily I cleansed myself of the blood, but once that was done I pulled a pillow down from the bed and slipped it under Fiyero's head. I wished I was strong enough to be able to get him onto the bed, but I did the next best thing; mindful of his arm, I laid myself down beside him, wrapping my arms around him and trying to comfort him as best I could. I laid a kiss upon his lips and held him close, as much for his sake as for my own. As I laid vigil by his side my heart grew sick and sad, and I worried myself into restless desperation, all the while one frantic thought running through my head; :Oh, gods, I've done it again. I've managed hurt him again! Damn me, what have I done?:
When Fiyero heard what I'd said he lurched away from me as if I had burned him.
"Elphaba, I could never do that! You have to stop going on like this! You can't be so desperate that you have to ask me to –"
"I am that desperate! I can't bear the thought of hurting anyone again! If I die at least I'll die assured that no other will ever know pain because of me, especially not you!"
"I don't think you even know what pain is anymore! Pain is finally having you here with me but having to watch you turn on yourself! Pain is trying to console or comfort you and feeling like I've done something wrong every time you push me away! Pain is seeing the one you love so defeated and broken that she asks you to help her end her own life!"
"No, Fiyero, pain is being reviled by your own family just because you had the misfortune to have been born. It's being shunned by the world because you're color sets you apart. It's being raped by a man whose name you never even knew. It's believing for years that your lover was murdered at the hands of your hated adversary. It's knowing that your dearest friend and an entire family have died as a result of mistakes you've made." I was quiet in my words, turning my back so he wouldn't see my face.
"You could never have disallowed yourself to be born, and there was no way for you to predetermine that your skin would be so different. Elphie, every single one of those happenings was beyond your power to prevent. You cannot blame yourself for things that were out of and were never within your control."
"But there are so many things I've done that ended up leading to more and more disasters."
"You never knew how they would end."
I couldn't continue without spitting some scathing remark at him and what he had to say. I kept myself turned away from him, clenching my fists so tightly my nails dug into my palms, cutting small crescents into my skin. I swore as the blood blossomed over and hastily went to clean it away.
"Here, let me." Fiyero caught my hands and grabbed a dry towel from the counter, gently wiping away the crimson painting my palms.
"Thank you."
"Mmmn." He sighed, tracing the thin, pale scars on the insides of my wrists with his fingers. "Where did these come from?"
"I tried to kill myself – years ago. Obviously I never did manage to go through with it. I was just too damn afraid."
"Why?"
"Because I thought you had died. That was when I first tried to distance myself from people for fear of something like that happening again. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried it wasn't to be. Your family still died because the Gale Force was trying to get at me. Glinda died because she was trying to protect me." I kept my face turned down. "I don't want protection. I don't want you to have to take care of me, or for you to have to be strong for me. I want people to stay away from me so no one else will have to hurt because of me!" My voice cracked, but still I had no tears to cry. "But I just can't be strong for myself anymore! I can't take being responsible anymore!"
Fiyero pulled me into his arms and held me to his chest. "You don't have to be strong right now. You of all people are definitely entitled to weakness now and again, especially since you so seldom show whatever vulnerability you feel." He kissed my hair and then continued, "Elphie, you're not responsible for those things, you never were. Why can't you see that?"
"I suppose it's because every ill that's befallen Oz over the years has been pinned on those that are different, and those that are different are feared. You don't get much more different than woman the color of the city walls, do you?" I relaxed in his embrace and murmured; "I'm being crushed under it all. Fiyero, I think it's been killing me, slowly, agonizingly eating my heart away until it drives me to wish it would just finish me off already." The last words wavered and died on my lips as I pressed my face into his shoulder, my arms loosely wrapped around his waist. He didn't notice as I slipped my hand into his pocket, the one where his switchblade was housed.
"Shhh. don't talk like that." He cupped my cheek in his hand and made me meet his eyes. I leaned into his touch until my lips were against his palm.
"Elphaba, you have to let it go. When you release yourself from what's been weighing on you the pain will eventually ease itself away."
"I wish that were so." I pulled away from his embrace, the knife curled tightly in my palm. I hid it in my sleeve for the time being, hoping he wouldn't realize it was missing.
"Elphie, it is. All you have to do is let go."
"You just don't understand, do you, Fiyero? You never have! That's not possible! I can't let it all go at the snap of a finger! This has been weighing me down for years – I cannot just wave my hand and wish it all away!" I cried, backing away while gesturing widely with my arms and causing Chistery, who had been watching from his vantage point on top of the table, to run scampering under the bed.
"Believe me, if I could kiss it all away from you I would! You alternate between running hot and cold with me; it's either intimate or a fight! Is there never a day where we can just get by without a shouting match?" he retorted.
"Maybe it's better that way!" I replied.
"And why do you say that?"
"Because it'll soften the fact that I'm gone when I finally work up the nerve to leave! Neither of us will have to miss the other as much!"
"Elphaba, we've been through this! I will not let you kill yourself!"
"Who are you, the father of mine that finally decided to show an interest in me?"
"No, I thought I was your lover. You are making me feel like your warden!"
"You won't have to anymore! It's because I love you that I feel I have to go! If only you'd bother to see through my eyes!" With that I flicked open the blade and began to press it into my wrist. Fiyero lunged to knock it away before it could break the skin but as his hand connected I reflexively flashed the knife away, trying not to let it make contact with him. Unbeknownst to me at the time the arc I would swing it in trying to avoid him would cause the switch to slice deep into his upper arm.
He roared out like a wounded animal as he dropped to his knees, the blood pouring profusely forth from the hideous gash. My breath caught in my throat as I tried to find something to serve as a tourniquet. I grabbed the closest thing within reach; the rose scarf I kept folded beneath my pillow. I wrapped it tight around the wound, his blood covering my hands, hoping against hope that he'd be alright. He passed out from loss of blood, his head falling onto my knees, before I had finished tying the scarf tight enough around his arm.
There was blood everywhere; my hands burned because of it but I was far too afraid to pay it much heed. Once I had his gash sufficiently bound up my shock-dulled senses came around enough to tell me I needed to get the liquid off my skin. I found a towel and seized the bottle of oil sitting on the bedside table; hastily I cleansed myself of the blood, but once that was done I pulled a pillow down from the bed and slipped it under Fiyero's head. I wished I was strong enough to be able to get him onto the bed, but I did the next best thing; mindful of his arm, I laid myself down beside him, wrapping my arms around him and trying to comfort him as best I could. I laid a kiss upon his lips and held him close, as much for his sake as for my own. As I laid vigil by his side my heart grew sick and sad, and I worried myself into restless desperation, all the while one frantic thought running through my head; :Oh, gods, I've done it again. I've managed hurt him again! Damn me, what have I done?: