OK, I'm really sorry I haven't posted in a while but my computer's down right now - I can't even turn the thing on. I'm putting this chapter up in the computer lab during my study hall and until the machine at home gets fixed I have to wait until my studies to post. Sorry :( I'm technologically challenged - I'm probably the one who broke the computer in the first place lol. Enjoy!
~Chapter 18~
Fiyero did not wake for two days, and in my fear I would neither leave his side nor sleep till he awoke. I laid beside him in such a way so that I could feel his breath on my face; throughout the first day his breathing was labored and sporadic, scaring me beyond all reason. For hours that felt like weeks I thought :Please, Fiyero, don't leave me like this. I can't lose you again!: Thankfully, towards the first night his breathing evened out into a more normal rhythm and I almost collapsed with relief; however, we weren't through with this waking nightmare just yet.
As his breaths became increasingly steadier he also began to cry out in his sleep, sometimes a light moan and others gasps of pain. It tore me apart that there was nothing I could do to relieve him of whatever was plaguing his dreams, be it physical or imaginary. All I could do was gingerly smooth back his sweat-dampened hair every so often and brush a kiss on his forehead if he became restless. I did everything in my power to prevent him from movement; any aggravation to the wound on his arm could cause it to worsen and do more damage than I'd already caused. The last thing he needed was for me to accidentally cause him another malady while trying to protect him.
Now and then my eyes would come to rest on the scarf I'd used to bind up his injury, the old frayed thing that had helped me get here in the first place. It was now patchy with Fiyero's blood, just beginning to dry. That sorry looking length of fabric had seen so much, all of its previous uses having been in acts of love between the two of us. I would've never believed I would one day be using it to stem the flow of blood from a wound I had caused.
At sunset on the second day since my most recent dire mistake Fiyero finally managed to open his eyes. I released the breath I seemed to have been holding for two straight days and took his face in my hand, briefly kissing his forehead, whispering "Oh, love, I was so afraid! I'm so -"
"Shhh. I've lived through worse." he replied hoarsely, cutting me off and trying to push himself up off the floor. He got as far as his knees and I reached out to help him up.
"Here, let me." I leaned down and wrapped an arm around his waist, half lifting him to his feet.
"Sit, and stay. I'll find something to serve as painkiller." I helped him ease himself onto the bed before leaving his side. I began hurriedly picking through the small parcel of my things I had brought with me from Kiamo Ko. I knew I had thrown some herbs and things in before I left, and I unearthed a few certain questionable-looking vials containing what I used as medicine. I quickly poured out some oil onto the herbs and managed to concoct a salve to dress his wound with; perching next to him on the edge of the bed I gently tried to untie the scarf around his upper arm. He gasped when my fingers put the slightest pressure upon it.
"I'm -" I began.
"No, don't. Not now." Fiyero replied, "Save your breath. Just do what has to be done."
Doing my best and failing to ignore how he winced and tensed as I undid the knots in the now thoroughly-bloodstained scarf, I had to exercise extreme control not to just give up and try again later when he wasn't as sore. I hated watching him in pain. Every time I paused in my work he would urge me on. When the scarf fell away I bit my lip at the sight of the gash, a mess of half-congealed blood and torn red tissue. I had done that to him; my hand had been on the knife that tore open his flesh… Swallowing the thought I spread the unsightly sticky mess of a salve over his arm as gently as I could; still he hissed at my touch. Once it was sufficiently covering the wound I made to look for something else to tie his arm up with, but Fiyero grabbed my wrist with is good hand.
"Use what you've got for now. Don't waste time looking for another 'bandage'. The faster this thing heals the better."
"Brace yourself. You're not going to like this."
As much as I didn't like it I still forced myself to begin rebinding his arm with the bloody scarf. He tried his best to hide how much it hurt but he couldn't bite back every whimper or gasp that fought its way to his lips. Once I finally managed to bring myself to finish tying it he let out one last half-swallowed cry.
"That balm should kick in soon. I made sure it was pretty strong; it should make short work of the major pain."
"Thanks." He tried to stretch out but cringed as he tried to move his arm.
"Don't move it if you can help it. If you aggravate the wound it could get worse."
I turned in to face him but cast my eyes down. It was painful to see his face contorted from the hurt.
"I want to apologize but I don't know how to go about it. How can I say I'm sorry for…for this? I don't think I'll ever be able to atone for it."
"You don't have to apologize for the physical wounds. I know you weren't trying to do what you did. I need you to realize how much more it hurts knowing that you feel you need to relieve me of yourself."
"Yes, I do need to. There's so much I've done to you over the span of time I've been here. The only way I can find to release you from whatever other hurts I seem to have such a gift for causing would be to rid you of me."
"Elphie, if you still want to commit suicide at the end of all this I won't stand in your way, but until I heal I need you to try to realize that the pain in my arm is nothing compared to the pain of thinking of what my life would be like without you in it, without the foolish hope that I still might see you again. There's something I need to show you that might help you realize what I've been going through while watching you tear yourself apart."
"What might that be?"
"Here." He used his good hand to open the top four buttons on his shirt then ran his finger in a line from one side of his neck to the other across the base of his throat. I leaned in closer to see what he was getting at. There was a thin scar along the path his finger had traced, only a slight shade lighter than the surrounding skin and almost invisible; I didn't even see the scar until I saw where it cleaved in two one of the blue diamonds on his skin.
"Where did that come from?"
"You're not the only one who's come close to suicide."
"Why-?"
"Because I loved you and wanted to be with you, no matter what I'd have to do to get there. I thought you had died and much like you the first time around, I figured that a life without love wasn't worth living. I thought this would be the quickest and easiest way to go. Like you again I lost my nerve, and I was too afraid to try it once more."
My mind seemed to shatter into hundreds of tiny shards; how could anyone love me like that?
I gently touched my fingers to his scar. "I think I understand." I whispered.
"Good," he replied, taking my hand and pressing it to his cheek, "good."
I leaned over and kissed his forehead. "But, love, I can't make you any guarantees. If I don't screw anything else by the time you heal I might be able to make you some promises."
"Then I'll do my best, on one condition."
"And that condition is?"
"You have to help me. If I'm going to heal, I want it to be as soon as possible." He took his finger and lifted my chin, staring into my eyes. "That means no talk of death, please, or any doomsday prophecies or anything else of the like. And no degrading yourself or piling more blame on yourself than is necessary."
"I'll try." I was willing to do or say almost anything to make him happy right now. The faster we'd forget about my latest screw-up the better. Soon neither of us would be able to take much more. "Has that painkiller kicked in any yet?"
"A little."
"Good."
"I can't believe you kept this thing."
"What, that scarf?"
"Yes."
"For one thing, you gave it to me; I used to love that fringed piece of work. Don't you remember how many nights I wore it?" My face colored a vile mix of pink and green and he smiled; I still went on, "For years after that it was the only thing I had left of you. Of course I kept it. It was the focus for the spell I used to get here in the first place."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. What in Oz is a focus?"
"It's an object that can help you to pinpoint someone or something, for lack of a better explanation, but the focus object itself has to have once been in contact with or belonged to the person or place you're trying to find."
"You used that ratty old thing to get to me?"
"It was the only thing I had of yours, or that had once been somewhat yours."
"Well, it won't be good for much now." he said, no doubt referring to the amount of blood on the thing, a hint of sadness coloring his voice.
"Actually, I think it might be better this way."
"Covered in my blood? How is that better?"
"If I ever lose you again I'll be able to get back to you somewhat more easily than the amount of effort it took to get me here. The blood is undeniably yours, all the more desirable in a focus."
"For someone who's never had magical instruction you seem to know quite a lot about the sorceric."
"Some of it I managed to pick up from Glinda while we were at Shiz. Whatever else I know is in the Grimmerie, or at least was in that monstrosity of a spell book at some point or another."
Chistery, who had been hiding under the bed for the past two days, finally managed to crawl out when he sensed the coast was clear; I wasn't yelling, Fiyero wasn't in that much pain at the moment, in my monkey's eyes all was well with the world. He unfurled his wings and flitted up to bring himself to rest in my lap.
"Hello, my little winged friend. What brings you back out into the light of day?" Fiyero asked Chistery, who had begun to brush some dust bunnies out of his golden fur. The monkey then scampered up onto his shoulder, climbing right over his wound. Fiyero hissed and I rushed to scoop Chistery off him.
"Are you alright?" I asked, snatching the monkey away and about to try and see if there was anything I could do to help him.
"It was just the contact pressure from his paws. I'm fine now. The pain was gone as soon as it came."
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure." he said, rubbing his shoulder and trying to put my mind at rest.
"Here, let me." I set Chistery on my pillow and positioned myself behind Fiyero, easing him back until he was leaning against me, his head against my shoulder. I gently laid my hands on his shoulders, carefully massaging them and the muscles around the wound on his right arm.
"Just tell me if I'm hurting you any." I said, working my fingers over his flesh.
"No, not at all." He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, enjoying my touch. Eventually he fell asleep in my arms, lulled by the steady rhythm of the strokes my hands made. I kissed one of the blue diamonds right below his ear and softly sang to him, at ease for the first moment in a long time.
~Chapter 18~
Fiyero did not wake for two days, and in my fear I would neither leave his side nor sleep till he awoke. I laid beside him in such a way so that I could feel his breath on my face; throughout the first day his breathing was labored and sporadic, scaring me beyond all reason. For hours that felt like weeks I thought :Please, Fiyero, don't leave me like this. I can't lose you again!: Thankfully, towards the first night his breathing evened out into a more normal rhythm and I almost collapsed with relief; however, we weren't through with this waking nightmare just yet.
As his breaths became increasingly steadier he also began to cry out in his sleep, sometimes a light moan and others gasps of pain. It tore me apart that there was nothing I could do to relieve him of whatever was plaguing his dreams, be it physical or imaginary. All I could do was gingerly smooth back his sweat-dampened hair every so often and brush a kiss on his forehead if he became restless. I did everything in my power to prevent him from movement; any aggravation to the wound on his arm could cause it to worsen and do more damage than I'd already caused. The last thing he needed was for me to accidentally cause him another malady while trying to protect him.
Now and then my eyes would come to rest on the scarf I'd used to bind up his injury, the old frayed thing that had helped me get here in the first place. It was now patchy with Fiyero's blood, just beginning to dry. That sorry looking length of fabric had seen so much, all of its previous uses having been in acts of love between the two of us. I would've never believed I would one day be using it to stem the flow of blood from a wound I had caused.
At sunset on the second day since my most recent dire mistake Fiyero finally managed to open his eyes. I released the breath I seemed to have been holding for two straight days and took his face in my hand, briefly kissing his forehead, whispering "Oh, love, I was so afraid! I'm so -"
"Shhh. I've lived through worse." he replied hoarsely, cutting me off and trying to push himself up off the floor. He got as far as his knees and I reached out to help him up.
"Here, let me." I leaned down and wrapped an arm around his waist, half lifting him to his feet.
"Sit, and stay. I'll find something to serve as painkiller." I helped him ease himself onto the bed before leaving his side. I began hurriedly picking through the small parcel of my things I had brought with me from Kiamo Ko. I knew I had thrown some herbs and things in before I left, and I unearthed a few certain questionable-looking vials containing what I used as medicine. I quickly poured out some oil onto the herbs and managed to concoct a salve to dress his wound with; perching next to him on the edge of the bed I gently tried to untie the scarf around his upper arm. He gasped when my fingers put the slightest pressure upon it.
"I'm -" I began.
"No, don't. Not now." Fiyero replied, "Save your breath. Just do what has to be done."
Doing my best and failing to ignore how he winced and tensed as I undid the knots in the now thoroughly-bloodstained scarf, I had to exercise extreme control not to just give up and try again later when he wasn't as sore. I hated watching him in pain. Every time I paused in my work he would urge me on. When the scarf fell away I bit my lip at the sight of the gash, a mess of half-congealed blood and torn red tissue. I had done that to him; my hand had been on the knife that tore open his flesh… Swallowing the thought I spread the unsightly sticky mess of a salve over his arm as gently as I could; still he hissed at my touch. Once it was sufficiently covering the wound I made to look for something else to tie his arm up with, but Fiyero grabbed my wrist with is good hand.
"Use what you've got for now. Don't waste time looking for another 'bandage'. The faster this thing heals the better."
"Brace yourself. You're not going to like this."
As much as I didn't like it I still forced myself to begin rebinding his arm with the bloody scarf. He tried his best to hide how much it hurt but he couldn't bite back every whimper or gasp that fought its way to his lips. Once I finally managed to bring myself to finish tying it he let out one last half-swallowed cry.
"That balm should kick in soon. I made sure it was pretty strong; it should make short work of the major pain."
"Thanks." He tried to stretch out but cringed as he tried to move his arm.
"Don't move it if you can help it. If you aggravate the wound it could get worse."
I turned in to face him but cast my eyes down. It was painful to see his face contorted from the hurt.
"I want to apologize but I don't know how to go about it. How can I say I'm sorry for…for this? I don't think I'll ever be able to atone for it."
"You don't have to apologize for the physical wounds. I know you weren't trying to do what you did. I need you to realize how much more it hurts knowing that you feel you need to relieve me of yourself."
"Yes, I do need to. There's so much I've done to you over the span of time I've been here. The only way I can find to release you from whatever other hurts I seem to have such a gift for causing would be to rid you of me."
"Elphie, if you still want to commit suicide at the end of all this I won't stand in your way, but until I heal I need you to try to realize that the pain in my arm is nothing compared to the pain of thinking of what my life would be like without you in it, without the foolish hope that I still might see you again. There's something I need to show you that might help you realize what I've been going through while watching you tear yourself apart."
"What might that be?"
"Here." He used his good hand to open the top four buttons on his shirt then ran his finger in a line from one side of his neck to the other across the base of his throat. I leaned in closer to see what he was getting at. There was a thin scar along the path his finger had traced, only a slight shade lighter than the surrounding skin and almost invisible; I didn't even see the scar until I saw where it cleaved in two one of the blue diamonds on his skin.
"Where did that come from?"
"You're not the only one who's come close to suicide."
"Why-?"
"Because I loved you and wanted to be with you, no matter what I'd have to do to get there. I thought you had died and much like you the first time around, I figured that a life without love wasn't worth living. I thought this would be the quickest and easiest way to go. Like you again I lost my nerve, and I was too afraid to try it once more."
My mind seemed to shatter into hundreds of tiny shards; how could anyone love me like that?
I gently touched my fingers to his scar. "I think I understand." I whispered.
"Good," he replied, taking my hand and pressing it to his cheek, "good."
I leaned over and kissed his forehead. "But, love, I can't make you any guarantees. If I don't screw anything else by the time you heal I might be able to make you some promises."
"Then I'll do my best, on one condition."
"And that condition is?"
"You have to help me. If I'm going to heal, I want it to be as soon as possible." He took his finger and lifted my chin, staring into my eyes. "That means no talk of death, please, or any doomsday prophecies or anything else of the like. And no degrading yourself or piling more blame on yourself than is necessary."
"I'll try." I was willing to do or say almost anything to make him happy right now. The faster we'd forget about my latest screw-up the better. Soon neither of us would be able to take much more. "Has that painkiller kicked in any yet?"
"A little."
"Good."
"I can't believe you kept this thing."
"What, that scarf?"
"Yes."
"For one thing, you gave it to me; I used to love that fringed piece of work. Don't you remember how many nights I wore it?" My face colored a vile mix of pink and green and he smiled; I still went on, "For years after that it was the only thing I had left of you. Of course I kept it. It was the focus for the spell I used to get here in the first place."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. What in Oz is a focus?"
"It's an object that can help you to pinpoint someone or something, for lack of a better explanation, but the focus object itself has to have once been in contact with or belonged to the person or place you're trying to find."
"You used that ratty old thing to get to me?"
"It was the only thing I had of yours, or that had once been somewhat yours."
"Well, it won't be good for much now." he said, no doubt referring to the amount of blood on the thing, a hint of sadness coloring his voice.
"Actually, I think it might be better this way."
"Covered in my blood? How is that better?"
"If I ever lose you again I'll be able to get back to you somewhat more easily than the amount of effort it took to get me here. The blood is undeniably yours, all the more desirable in a focus."
"For someone who's never had magical instruction you seem to know quite a lot about the sorceric."
"Some of it I managed to pick up from Glinda while we were at Shiz. Whatever else I know is in the Grimmerie, or at least was in that monstrosity of a spell book at some point or another."
Chistery, who had been hiding under the bed for the past two days, finally managed to crawl out when he sensed the coast was clear; I wasn't yelling, Fiyero wasn't in that much pain at the moment, in my monkey's eyes all was well with the world. He unfurled his wings and flitted up to bring himself to rest in my lap.
"Hello, my little winged friend. What brings you back out into the light of day?" Fiyero asked Chistery, who had begun to brush some dust bunnies out of his golden fur. The monkey then scampered up onto his shoulder, climbing right over his wound. Fiyero hissed and I rushed to scoop Chistery off him.
"Are you alright?" I asked, snatching the monkey away and about to try and see if there was anything I could do to help him.
"It was just the contact pressure from his paws. I'm fine now. The pain was gone as soon as it came."
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure." he said, rubbing his shoulder and trying to put my mind at rest.
"Here, let me." I set Chistery on my pillow and positioned myself behind Fiyero, easing him back until he was leaning against me, his head against my shoulder. I gently laid my hands on his shoulders, carefully massaging them and the muscles around the wound on his right arm.
"Just tell me if I'm hurting you any." I said, working my fingers over his flesh.
"No, not at all." He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, enjoying my touch. Eventually he fell asleep in my arms, lulled by the steady rhythm of the strokes my hands made. I kissed one of the blue diamonds right below his ear and softly sang to him, at ease for the first moment in a long time.