Chapter 31
Some of the color drained from my face as I watched the silver haze dematerialize, seeping back into the glass. I was stunned and horrified beyond what mere words could express. The glass sphere rolled from my hand, but I took no notice of it. The Tiger quickly darted to catch it before it hit the stone floor, and he let out a sigh of relief when the thing was safely back in his paws. Then the creature picked it up in his teeth and padded up behind me, curling around my back, leaning supportively against me.
He spoke after he laid the globe back upon his paws, freeing his mouth enough for speech. "I'm sorry you had to witness those prophecies, but perhaps it's better that you know what may be ahead. Hopefully somehow you'll be able to avoid the Gale Force at the very least. There's really no way for you to prevent that which has already been set into motion. I'm sorry, Elphaba."
I didn't answer and fell back against the Tiger, closing my eyes and drawing my knees to my chest, resting a hand on my stomach. Everything was happening all at once, and all so fast. This couldn't be real. Nothing was real. I was beginning to think that even if some imaginary higher power or deity was twisting events into every worst-case scenario it could throw at me things would feel more real than my life as it was.
Fiyero knelt beside me and slipped his arm around me, squeezing my shoulder and drawing me close.
"You look so shaken, Elphie, and you've gone pale. Here, relax, try to get some sleep, maybe a few hours' rest could do you some good."
"I won't be able to sleep much...not after that." I said as I shivered and laid my head on his chest, curling up against him and seeking the comfort of what I knew was real.
"Do you want to tell me what you Saw?" he asked quietly, cupping my cheek in his hand and gently running his thumb over my lips.
"No...not yet. I need to process this first. Once I manage to accept the truth, I'll tell you, if you still want to know by then." I murmured, leaning into the warmth of his hand.
"Shh. Tell me when you're ready. I won't press you if you don't want me to know yet. Whatever it is, we'll manage to work our way through it some way or another." He smoothed my hair back and kissed my forehead in an attempt to soothe my anxious mind.
"That's a first." I smiled wryly in a halfhearted attempt at sarcasm.
"Alright, that's enough. Now do your best to sleep. You've been through more than enough for one day."
I nodded and closed my eyes, but the haunting images of my visions refused to be held at bay long enough for me to fall asleep, replaying themselves in a sickening sharp focus in the forefront of my mind. Every muscle in my body seized up and I pressed myself closer to Fiyero's warmth and his promise that we'd somehow manage to work our way around this hell, if at all possible.
Eventually sleep won out over fear and heartsickness, but the latter two ruled my subconscious. At one point I grasped a fistful of the Tiger's fur in my hand and clenched my fingers tight around it, my other hand seeking Fiyero's and taking it in a vicelike grip. I woke after an hour or two, sore and tense from sleeping with my muscles as seized up as they were. I tried to stretch out as gingerly as I could, but every limb burned at the slightest movement.
"Hmm, Elphie? You awake?" Fiyero asked sleepily, his lips against my forehead.
"Yes. It's a wonder I didn't wake earlier; I'm so achy everywhere."
"Let me help." He shifted positions and bade me to lay on my stomach, leaning my torso against the still-asleep Tiger. Once I'd complied, wincing from uncomfortable sensitivity, he kneaded his fingers into my shoulders, gently at first, but soon the depth of his touch intensified and I began to loosen up some under his hands. He worked his way from my shoulders down to my back, at one point accidentally pressing his fingers to the livid bruise on the small of my back that had come from Cherrystone's boot. I gasped from pain and he quickly drew his hands away.
"Am I hurting you?"
"No, there's a bruise there. It's okay."
"You're sure?"
"Quite sure."
He continued, asking me to turn back around so he could finish, stretching my legs out carefully and massaging my calves.
"Thanks. Your hands are working magic over me; we should do this more often."
"Don't mention it. You're so tense this morning, and my hand still feels crushed to bits from the grip you had me in; the nightmares were that bad?"
"You don't know the half of it." I said, almost inaudibly.
"I might be able to help a little if I knew what was wrong. Are you up to relaying to me what came to pass in your visions last night?"
I drew in a shuddering breath and told him up to the part where I'd seen the full figures of myself and the soldiers in the room. My eyes were cast downward as I spoke, as if I was fixated on a certain rock in the cave floor. I paused, looking up and staring into his eyes.
"The blood and the rest wasn't what came across to me as the most shocking."
"Oh?" Fiyero asked, giving me a look that said ::What, to you, constitutes "more shocking", Elphaba? You were watching them slice your skin as if it were nothing more than paper!::
"I...there's no doubt that the scenes I witnessed are in the somewhat near future by the looks of things, of what I saw of us and Cherrystone, or at least what information I could gain from physical appearances. My stomach was swollen to such a degree there could be no questioning the truth. I - I'm pregnant, Fiyero; the images I've seen are going to occur somewhere near six months from now if we don't find a way to avoid them, or at least what of them is possible to avoid." The Gale Force and the torture I'd seen them inflicting in the visions was what I planned to turn aside; there was nothing I could do to avoid pregnancy, lest I turned to abortion as a way out. I balked at the very thought of it, of intentionally killing something that had no chance to defend itself.
My eyes searched his face for a reaction; his emotions were torn, not sure whether to be delighted or despairing.
"Elphie, I - don't know what to say."
"If it were under any other circumstances..." I began, trailing off. What were the odds of my conceiving a child on the only time I'd made love to a man since fifteen years ago, since I conceived Liir? I was scared, deathly scared. Some of the most powerful people in Oz wanted me dead, and if I was ever taken captive by the Gale Force there would be no chance for either myself or the child to survive. Then there was the fact that of anyone else alive, I would be its mother; enough said. I astonished myself with the realization that I wanted more than anything to be able to keep the child, if it was at all possible, but how in Oz would Fiyero and I manage to raise it? I was hiding from the world; it would be impossible to bring up a child like that, always isolated, never having contact with anyone aside from ourselves.
And then, there was the chance that the baby would be born with skin as green as mine. True, it was only a very slight chance, but since my mother had taken that hateful elixir before I was born it warped my cells in the womb, screwing with my genetics; I was deathly afraid of passing that hateful trait on to someone else. I could never sentence another living being to a life the likes of my own, scorned and hated on the basis of color alone. I tried to allay my fears by recalling the fact that Liir was born with a normal skin tone, and that he might be an indication to show what it would be like this time, but still, that nagging voice in the back of my mind refused to let it go, saying, ::There's still that chance of something going wrong, and that chance isn't going to go away, no matter how much you tell yourself otherwise.::
On the other hand, I knew how much it would mean to Fiyero for him to have another child of his own; there was no doubt in my mind that it would be pretty much the only thing that could really help him recover from the deaths of his children. What would happen to him if I decided to have this baby killed? I could see it in his eyes how badly he wanted us to keep it, but along with that I realized he was weighing his wishes against the hell that had already befallen us and that which was almost sure to come.
"Elphie, I - I want what's best for you more than anything else; I'll let you decide what to do about this."
I rubbed my arms as a sudden chill passed through me. Torn and anxious, I pressed my eyes shut, weighing the circumstances and our desires against each other. I remained silent for long minutes that felt like days, fighting an inward battle over what I knew would be best for Fiyero and myself and what I felt I could never do to another life again.
"Fiyero, I'm afraid...what if...I choose to have the child and it's born...like I am? If I birth the baby and it turns out the same color as me...I could never condemn another being to a fate like mine. What kind of a life would it have...with me as its mother? But then I know I'd never be able to through with...I can't kill...I won't be the one to..." I murmured, unable to finish.
He pulled me close and rubbed my back, the slow, rhythmic strokes giving me a small sense of comfort in our largely uncertain situation.
"You're the only one who can make this decision. If there was any way for me to make it easier for you I would. I want you to choose what you feel would be best for you right now."
"I wish this wasn't so hard...why is everything always so hard?" I whispered.
"I know, it all seems to be crashing down around us, doesn't it?" he replied, his voice emotionless to try to hide his own inward turmoil. I nodded, looking up into his hollow, desolate eyes for any sort of guidance to be found there. He looked away, out toward where the mouth of our cave opened into the blackness of the rest of the cavern as he gave me a squeeze. I buried my face in his shoulder, feeling as helpless as the baby whose life or lack of it hung in the balance of my choices. I remained like that, soundless and motionless for Oz knows how long, struggling with myself and wrenching my heart away from sentimentality so I could make my decisions unhindered by emotions. The silence grew and expanded until I felt as if I didn't speak soon I would be crushed under its weight.
"I'm...going to carry the child to term. I've destroyed enough lives as it is; I could never intentionally kill another, especially a life as innocent as this one." I said finally, my voice almost imperceptible to even my own ears. Fiyero's eyes lit up for a split second, but then their happy fire was extinguished when he saw the pain in mine.
"You're absolutely sure, Elphaba, that you want to do this?" I could see how desperate he was for me to stand with this decision, but still wanted me to do as I wished; I knew he would respect any choice I made, regardless of what pain it may inflict on him, and I was infinitely grateful to him for that.
"Yes. I would never be able to live with myself if I'd decided to have the baby killed."
He relaxed a little, relieved, but went on, "You realize how much more difficult it could be for us this way, especially for you? Are you positive you're willing to make your life that much more arduous?"
"I know it's not going to be easy, but when have things ever gone smoothly for me? I'm trying to see this as my chance to create life, instead of...demolishing it, like I seem to have a gift for doing. Besides, I - I really want to - to keep the child, if you can believe it." I said, lowering my gaze, almost embarrassed by admitting it. I'd never wanted anything of the like before, and it felt strange now that I realized exactly how much it meant to me, this little life that belonged to me and my love, the first thing that was truly mine, truly ours, created through love and nothing besides.
"You do?" Fiyero asked as he cracked a smile, sounding almost disbelieving, "I thought dealing with children was never your strong suit."
"It - it's not, but I'd be willing to learn how if...you'd help me."
"Of course I will, Fabala." He kissed my hair, then said, "It's a little hard for me to admit, but I loved - love - you so much, and I've...always wished that the two of us would do this, for us to join our bodies, hearts, and souls like this, to...have a child of our own."
"I never had a soul to unite with yours." I said, my voice emotionless. True, his words had touched a chord in me, bringing a softness to my eyes, but his use of the word "soul" was almost enough to negate the emotion. I thought of Liir as I spoke;
::If I'd ever had a soul I would never have pushed the boy away like I did.::
With Liir, I hadn't wanted to believe he was mine, not with the man who would be his father dead as a result of loving me; the boy would've been too much of a painful reminder of what I'd once had, and I'd refused to let that happen lest it cause me more pain than was necessary. I'd had no regard for what effects my unconcern might've been doing to Liir. I regretted doing so now, but still, I could see that which justified my indifference to the boy at the time.
"Elphie," Fiyero said, holding me out at arm's length, "Look at you. There is no way you can claim that you don't have a soul when you tried so hard to save Glinda's life, fought so heatedly with Cherrystone over my family, decided to preserve the life we've created, and so many other things I couldn't possibly be able to list. You would never be able to love so many things as fully and completely as you do if you'd never possessed a soul. Do you see where I'm coming from?"
"No. Love is just another dimension of thought. It has nothing to do with the concept of the soul."
"Elphaba, please tell me you don't really believe that."
"I don't know what to believe anymore. My world has come tumbling down about my ears and I don't know which way is up or if I'm coming or going anymore. What is there left for me to believe or put faith in?"
"Do you believe in yourself at all?"
"I don't know."
"What did I tell you a few days ago at Kiamo Ko? You have to stop talking like that or you'll be devoured by your own self-depreciation."
"You told me that in regards to beauty; it has nothing to do with the present argument."
"It has everything to do with it. I meant what I said in regards to every time you dismiss anything about yourself as inferior the way you always seem to be doing. Just believe me, or you'll never feel any better about yourself."
I let the matter drop and refused to argue anymore, before it turned into a real argument. The fact was that I badly wanted to believe him, but since I'd been insisting for so long that I truly did not possess a soul I was disinclined to abandon all I'd followed since then.
The Tiger, who'd been asleep until now, yawned visibly and stretched out, his draconic tail thrashing back and forth as he did so. Fiyero and I quickly moved to avoid being accidentally thwacked by the heavy appendage.
"Morning," I said as the creature stood and touched his nose to my palm in greeting.
"Did either of you sleep at all last night? You both look exhausted." the Tiger said, looking us up and down.
"I was just brought up to speed with - what was Seen in the visions last night." Fiyero answered haltingly.
"Oh..." said the beast a little uneasily, but he didn't inquire any further. He looked away for a moment, out toward the stony corridor leading away from our little niche of hollow rock before speaking again.
"By the looks of things, the both of you could use some food and extra clothing, especially food, as you haven't eaten in over a day and don't look too good as it is. I'm going to the fortress to see what I can salvage for you there. There's really little limit to the amount I can carry with me, so if there's anything you might need that you want me to see if I can find you..." he trailed off, waiting for a response.
"Yes, actually, there is." I said, grateful to have this creature as a friend, "There are a few green glass bottles of oil and another blue glass bottle with medicine in it. They're in my trunk up in my tower. There's a large leather-bound book, with purple pages and mostly silver lettering, also in the tower. It's...rather important that I keep it out of the hands of the Gale Force." I paused before remembering the last thing I'd need to have with me somewhere along the line, "Oh, one more thing; this should be in the trunk with the bottles," I said, a little hesitant to ask for it, "it's a black scarf, fringed around the edges, with red roses breaking up the black. It's got...a little too much sentimental value for me to want to part with it...and it might come in handy for me later down the road." I finished, thinking of the tiny drops of blood from Fiyero's finger I'd pressed into the fabric about three weeks or so ago, give or take a few days. I needed it for nothing in particular at the moment, just for peace of mind, so I knew I'd have it if ever the moment arose where I'd need to use the thing as a focus. I hoped it would never come to that where I'd need to use it.
"I'll bring back whatever I can find."
"Thank you." I said, scratching the large beast between the ears. He purred, or gave whatever passed for a purr in draconian Tigers, before padding out of the cave, changing his shape back to that of the orange-haired soldier as he went.
"Talk about blending in." said Fiyero, watching the retreating back of the Tiger-turned-soldier. "Shape-shifting comes in handy."
The better part of the day was spent on pretty much nothing. I squandered time by brooding over everything that passed between Fiyero and me earlier in the day and didn't say much, and spoke only when it couldn't be avoided. Fiyero took the hint and bother me. Later in the afternoon the Tiger returned in his normal form, with a formidable treasure trove of things he's retrieved from the fortress in tow.
"How in Oz did you get these things back here?"
"A minimal amount of magic, and the Gale Force had managed to acquire a virtual herd of horses from heaven knows where, so it really wasn't terrifically difficult to purloin two of them for the time being. The ones I'd taken are currently standing in the corridor leading into here. I don't intend on returning them any time soon, so you might as well get to know them at some point."
I came over and poked through the things the Tiger had brought with him. There were a few bundles I presumed were inhabited by extra clothing, another few whose space was occupied by food, and three others full of whatever else. I opened one of the bags of extras, seeing both the oil, the medicine, and my scarf, but my spellbook was nowhere to be seen.
"I was unable to find the book, Elphaba. It was nowhere to be seen. There was also the scent of other men in the fortress, in your tower especially, and everything had been overturned; your things were scattered everywhere. I don't think there's much of a chance of getting the book back."
The bottom seemed to drop out of my stomach at the words. There was no telling what they'd be using it for once Oz's king or whatever he called himself got his hands on it.
Ugh. I screwed that chapter beyond hope. I've got to rewrite it and switch this chapter with the revised edition, so if inyone has any suggestions on how to fix this mess, please let me know! Please, I implore you! Help me fix this monstrosity! lol Thanks to everyone who's read this far! I owe the lot of you for all the reviews! If any of you want to email me or something, feel free. I'm always up for conversation.