Chapter 32
"I can just imagine where this is going to lead now that they've gotten their evil little paws on my book..." I said, throwing my hands up in defeat, retreating farther back into the cave near where the Tiger had seated himself.
Fiyero followed me, saying "Elphie, please, calm down. There's nothing we can-"
"There never is, is there? When is there ever something we can do about our lives? We have no say in what happens to us or what we go through; it all depends on where we can hide next to avoid the rest of the world, to keep ourselves a step ahead of everyone out to kill me. That's all it ever is. Why would I ever get the chance to choose what I do with my life?" I said, dropping to my knees. "I just want out. Out of this dismal cave, out of this hideous body, out of this twisted semblance of a life." Immediately after I'd said it, I regretted the outburst.
Fiyero fell into place beside me, saying nothing, but he took my hand and I knew he understood.
I held to silence for a while before venturing any more of my thoughts. "Have you ever wished for something you knew you'd never get? The kind of wish where you try to beat your mind away from it and you scream at yourself to stop foolishly longing for it, but you still wish, and want it more the more you realize it'll never happen?" I murmured, staring transfixed at the silver specks of mineral in the stone floor. Fiyero replied a muted "yes" and waited for me to go on.
"I guess I've always had a taste for the impossible, since over the years pretty much the only things I've ever wanted have been impossible for me to ever attain. Things haven't changed any since I was little; I would wish every night that little Nessa would somehow miraculously be granted arms, wish that I had never been born such a color, and wish that my family would somehow begin to care as much for me as they did for Nessa. Later on I'd wish I'd had friends, wish to one day be loved for who I was, wish you weren't dead, wish I'd never failed at so many things. Now, I don't give a damn about anything I'd spent those years longing for, aside from that which involved you; all I want is for this to be over. I can't run anymore, especially not since it's virtually impossible for me to hide from those I'm trying to get away from. My visions back me up. I know we'll be caught again; there's no sure way to avoid it. I don't know what to do or how to go about it!" I cried, frustrated, tired, and filled with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
Fiyero didn't know what to say. The Tiger was playing the silent observer, curled up in the back of the cave, offering nothing to the conversation; he thought it better to leave us to ourselves, and I wasn't sure whether or not I'd have been more comfortable if he'd spoken. Fiyero squeezed my hand after a length and stood, helping me to my feet as well.
"There's really nothing I can say to make you feel any better, dearheart, but I think I know what may make you feel a little more at ease now, take your mind off life. Are you up to it?"
"Depends on what it is." I replied.
"You've always been an animal person in every sense of the word, so maybe a little time spent with those horses the Tiger brought back will soothe your nerves a bit."
I sighed and relented, letting myself be tugged into the smaller cave just off of ours. The Tiger had set a few globes of light around the edges of the rock ceiling, which seemed to lend the stone an otherworldly glow, giving off enough light to see well but not so much as to blind. The horses had been provided with some sort of grass or hay for food to keep them happy, no doubt the Tiger's doing. ::He's thought of everything, hasn't he?::
When Fiyero and I entered the two creatures looked up, the darker horse positioning himself in front of his lighter companion, as if to protect her.
::Silver and black, one timid as a mouse, the other posing as her bodyguard...::
"Fiyero, these horses belong to Boq; I'm fairly sure of it." I said quietly, careful not to spook either of the magnificent animals. I walked slowly toward the black one, Taye, as he tentatively reached his muzzle forward toward me. Juliette shyly peeked out from behind him, and I held my hands out for the both of them to sniff. Once he recognized me, Taye let his guard down enough to move away and allow me to run my hand down his neck. Juliette, emboldened by the sight and scent of a familiar face, stepped up to me and nuzzled her velvet nose in my hair. I tangled my fingers in the silver silk of her mane and kissed her nose, both soothed by the feel of the horses' soft coats and unnerved by the circumstances surrounding their presence here.
::What could've happened that would've been severe enough to make Boq give up his horses? He was so proud of them when last I saw him; he would never have let them go for nothing, especially not into the hands of the Gale Force. I really don't like where this is seeming to lead.:: I thought to myself, working myself back into a worried mess.
::Just what I need, someone else to worry about when I can't even take care of myself.::
"What was that, Elphie?" Fiyero asked, the fact that I had spoken beginning to dawn on him.
"These beasts are the same two that Boq showed us when our paths last crossed. Do you remember how he spoke of them? The man loved these creatures like his children, what could've possessed him to give them up to the likes of the Gale Force?"
"I'm not sure I want to know." Fiyero replied, "I wonder what's become of him since we left. I just hope his fate has been better than ours." I nodded, lacking something to say.
Two or three weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night, or so I guessed by the way the fire burned low in the corner, small tongues of flame flaring up every so often from among the glowing embers. No natural light ever managed to get itself this far into the cavern, so it was virtually impossible to tell if it was night or not. I was suffering from a painful uneasiness in my abdomen, being the reason sleep had ebbed away from me. Getting up and moving a little ways away so as not to wake Fiyero, I leaned my back against the wall in trying to ease the twisting sensation. Soon enough I found myself retching up everything that was in my stomach and then some. Fiyero wasn't yet awake, but the Tiger, who'd moved back into his own home about a week after Fiyero and I "moved in" to this cave, had been choosing random nights to come back to check on us. Thankfully, tonight he was paying us one such visit. The beast, who'd been sitting up all night just watching Fiyero and me sleep, got up and padded over to me, nosing my hair back from my face, trying to help me as much as he could.
"Shall I wake Fiyero for you?" he asked once my stomach stopped heaving for a few much-needed moments.
"No, let him sleep." I said, breathing rather heavily and pressing my fingers to my eyes, becoming quite lightheaded. "I'll live." I barely managed to croak the words out before another wave of nausea swept over me and my voice was drowned out by the bile working its way back up my throat. I tried to hold it back but my efforts failed and I choked as it climbed up the back of my throat into my mouth.
"You're sure?"
I nodded weakly, swiping my dark sleeve over my forehead to rid my skin of the stinging sweat that had collected there; by then the white dress had been stuffed in a bag and forgotten about; I never wanted to see it again. I'd switched back to my black dresses the day after the Tiger had brought them here from Kiamo Ko for me, and I hadn't heard a word from Fiyero about changing the color of my clothing since.
I fell back against the cold stone wall, wrapping myself in my own embrace and laying my head upon my knees, seizing up my muscles in an effort to quell the dizziness making the room spin. The Tiger commenced to magic away the contents of my stomach I'd so gracelessly vomited up onto the floor. The prickle of static I felt arc over my skin alerted me to the use of the magic and I looked up to see the last of the ish on the ground vanish as if wiped away by an invisible rag.
"Thank you." I said as quickly as possible; I was afraid if I kept my mouth open too long I'd begin retching again. The Tiger nodded in acknowledgment and then jerked his head toward Fiyero before vanishing into the shadows at the back of the cave, his reptilian tail sweeping from side to side as he went.
"Dammit, why don't the men ever have to experience any of this?" I asked the air as I closed my eyes. I'd never felt so sick in my life.
"Experience what?" Fiyero asked groggily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. I looked up when his voice reached my ears.
"I spent the last fifteen minutes retching onto the floor." I said hurriedly, closing my mouth again as soon as possible.
"Morning sickness kicked in, huh?" he asked, rummaging for something in the charmed container our food was kept in, a sort of magicked icebox.
::I must owe that Tiger my life by now.:: I thought, glancing at everything he'd helped us with. I looked back to Fiyero and watched as his hand came up with an amber colored bottle in his hand.
"Here, drink this for now, see if you can keep it down."
Wordlessly I took it from him, too tired and distracted to give a thought to what might've been in the bottle. I took a small sip and coughed as it entered my mouth, searing my tongue and my throat as I swallowed..
"What are you trying to do, poison me?" I cried, making a face from the taste. "What is this stuff? It burns as it goes down." I handed the bottle back, disgusted.
"It's a kind of alcohol invented by the Arjikis; I won't tell you what it's made of. I figured if you can keep that down, you can keep anything down. I just don't encourage drinking any more of it until the baby is born."
"I wasn't planning on drinking any more of it ever; it's revolting." I groaned and snapped my mouth shut, wrapping my arms around my stomach, which had started to twist and roil uncomfortably again. Fiyero scooted over and sat next to me, rubbing my back, the rhythmic strokes helping me to release my tensed muscles. I laid my head back onto my knees. My stomach started churning again and I grimaced as my hand flew to cover my mouth. Fiyero patiently held back my hair as I heaved up bile, drying the sweat from my forehead every so often. After what seemed like hours, my stomach finally managed to settle enough to allow for coherent speech, and the Tiger stepped forward to magic away the mess on the floor again.
"A little better?" Fiyero asked, running his fingers through my hair.
"Not a chance of it. I'm sick as all hell and you can't even tell I'm pregnant yet." I said irritably.
"You won't be throwing up for too much longer, but later on the nausea gets replaced by pain elsewhere in the body. Then at the end comes the real fun, labor."
"How would you know?" I snarled, nearing the end of my fuse. I knew it was a stupid question but I needed something to say to fill the silent space in the air.
"Ah, in case you haven't noticed, I've been married before and the father of three children before this one, Elphaba." he answered calmly, a hint of sarcasm in his voice, completely unfazed by my peevishness.
"Excuse me if I'm not terribly excited at the prospect of going through hell! Please don't be so nonchalant about pain you can never and will never experience!" I snapped back. Neither of us spoke for a while, but sooner or later Fiyero wrapped his arms around me and pulled my back to his chest, lightly resting his hands on my stomach.
"You're too forgiving." I said. All too often I would fly off the proverbial handle and then he would bring his remarkable infuriating patience into play. I envied his ability to forgive so easily, but I reasoned with myself that no one besides Fiyero ever gave me reason to forgive them in the first place, and being too quick to grant pardon could often end up causing more trouble that it was worth.
"I still can't believe you're willing to go through with this whole pregnancy ordeal." he replied, ignoring my last comment.
"I can no longer believe what possessed me to."
"I hope you don't keep that attitude for the next eight and a half months, or that baby will never have a chance."
"We'll live."
"Shhh. Calm down. You and I both know that it'll be worth it in the end." He started to reverently stroke my belly with one hand and I smiled despite myself. I laid a hand on his and looked up into his face to see his expression. He had this soft smile on his lips which gave a sort of life to his face, radiating love and joy and an overwhelming sense of awe.
"What is it?" I asked, a small smile playing across my mouth.
"Since I was young I was always amazed at how life could be created through the joining of two souls," I flinched at the word 'soul'; the motion went by him unnoticed, "but it's just that much more awesome when you realize it's happening through you and the one you've wanted to be with since...for so long."
"I suppose..." I answered slowly, one corner of my mouth quirked upward into a halfhearted smile. He already loved this child so much, and I was no one to snipe at him for it; I felt the same unconditional affection for the baby, but the magnitude with which Fiyero was able to love was awe-inspiring. I wished I'd someday be able to do the same. I took his hand in both of my own, rubbing it between my palms. His skin was smooth on the back, but hard and calloused on his palm, the muscles in his fingers strong and hard. I'd always wondered how hands so powerful could still possess the ability to touch as gently as they did. I brought his hand to my lips, kissing the beautiful pattern of diamonds on the back of it. He laced his fingers through mine, squeezing my hand, then hesitated a moment before pulling away and getting up to look through the icebox again.
"You'd better try to eat something, and drink if you don't want to dehydrate. You'll eventually be able to keep things down. For now, try these. They're light and should be easy on your stomach." He held out a few unappetizing-looking crackers, but I was beyond caring about their taste; at that point I'd have been thankful just to keep them down. Fiyero watched as I ate them, making sure I didn't just lay them aside and wait till my stomach completely settled before picking them up again. When after a quarter of an hour had passed and I hadn't retched them up, he deemed me well enough to try to drink. I laid my back against the wall and closed my eyes, sighing in defeat, as he built the fire up some and started to heat something in a kettle. A little while later he handed me a glass of whatever it was he'd brewed, urging me to drink it.
"No, not this time. First you tell me what it is. If it's more of that liquor, Fiyero, I swear -"
"It's tea, Elphie. I'm not going to fight with you over it; just drink the stuff. It's not as if I'm out to envenom you or anything."
I brought the glass to my lips and sipped tentatively, then relaxed when I realized it tasted as normal as anything. Sitting with my knees drawn up to my chest, I stared fixedly into the cup, my vision swimming in the coppery hue of the tea, my eyes losing their focus as I receded into thought.
::I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. The Gale Force has my spellbook; they will find us sooner or later, there's little doubt about that now that they've got their be-damned bloody hands on the Grimmerie. Fiyero and I are stuck hiding in this rabbit-hole of a cave and haven't seen the light of day in weeks, and I can't help but think we're making it easy for them, staying in this one place. It's only a matter of time. According to my visions I have a few days more than five months until we're trapped again. To put the icing on the cake, I'm pregnant and now have another life besides my own to worry about protecting when I can barely take care of myself. What else could possibly go wrong? I'm running out of time...::
"Elphie? What's wrong?" Fiyero asked, jerking me from my reverie.
"What do you think?" I asked, my voice tired.
"Believe me, I'm just as scared as you are. I don't care for the hand life's dealt us, but...once we have a little more information, say, maybe a way to worm our way out of all these problems, we just might be able to win this game."
A powerful gut feeling told me he was wrong. Even so, I made myself nod as if I really believed what he was saying; it seemed to me like we could both use the false hope, if only for a little while. At least it would be something to believe in.
He wrapped his arm protectively around my waist and told me to finish what was in the glass. I forced the last of the tea down my throat and laid my head on his shoulder; as I dozed off an all-too-familiar cracked cackling began to seep into my head, resonating cruelly until a dream took shape.
For the umpteenth time, I'm terribly sorry for the lack of visible plot in this chapter, but once I get cracking on this fic again sooner or later there will be an apparent storyline once more. Thanks to everyone who reviewed that last chapter; I'm in the midst of rewriting it, and the critiquing has helped.
-Lindsay-