Chapter 43
"So let me get this straight, she tried to kill you last year on orders of the Wizard. She said that he told her to kill you if she wanted him to help her get home. And she told us a day or two ago that she came from some place called what?" Fiyero asked, still confused after the third or fourth time I'd explained the whole thing to him. He just couldn't fathom why I'd ever accepted an invitation of help from the girl I'd passionately hated for so long, or why I'd agreed to get her back where she came from. We were sitting on the small sofa in the living room, alone; Dorothy and Liir were both at the Palace, which was a bit relieving. It had been a stifling two days with never a moment without Dorothy lingering around too close for comfort or having to watch Liir scamper awkwardly to get me out of his sight whenever he happened to stumble into the same room as me. Not that I'd been eagerly anticipating talking to the boy. I was just as uncomfortable around him as he was around me, maybe more so, but even still it was aggravating the way he always looked like some cornered animal staring down the barrel of a gun every time he laid eyes on me. For Oz's sake, I wasn't going to kill him!
"She said she's from...what was it? Kansas, I think. No, I've never heard of it, either."
"Where the hell is Kansas and how do you expect to get her back there if you've never even heard of the place before?"
"How should I know?" I retorted angrily. In the two days since Fiyero and I'd woken up, that little fuse called my temper was burning ever closer to the point of no return. Dorothy, as kind as she was trying to be, was wearing on my nerves. She kept hovering like some paranoid hen, ever trying to reassure herself that neither Fiyero nor I was going to die. As much as I knew she was trying to make up for attempted murder, she seemed to be unable to prevent herself from driving me completely and utterly mad. Fiyero wasn't helping. No matter how many times I explained it to him, he refused to retain the information. The nerves in his arm were supposed to be damaged, not those in his brain! On top of all that, I hadn't felt the babies move nearly as often in the last two days as they used to and it was making me worry. I'd been growing used to them twisting themselves around and it had been starting to feel endearing and almost encouraging, like the one thing that had still been going right in my life was really going to come through. If things had gone wrong somewhere in the past week and I ultimately ended up miscarrying...I didn't want to even consider it. We were so close to the end of this whole nauseating terrifying mess of an ordeal, but still the life I'd always wanted was still dangling just out of reach. I was so, so sick of it all. At this point, the least little thing was going to set me off, and both of us knew it. And I was about to cause a veritable war.
"Will you calm down, Elphaba? I didn't expect you to know where it was. Sweet Oz, could you be any more on edge?" He recoiled a little from me, leaning back farther into the kitchen chair and shaking his head ever so slightly. I leaned my elbows on the table and massaged my temples; something told me I would have a migraine before the day was out.
"I'm sorry." I said; he could practically see me spitting venom.
"What's the matter? You're being seclusive."
"It's nothing all that bad. At least, nothing you should have to worry about."
"Oh, really?" His voice dripped sarcasm.
"Will you please stop?" I asked. The fuse was burning lower...
And of course, at precisely the wrong moment, Dorothy and Liir returned from the Palace. And if course, Liir had to choose to put on his cornered animal face when I was just about in the mood to take a gun and shoot someone. I took one look at him and it pushed me too far.
"Go...away...please." I forced out in a whisper, trying as hard as I could to keep my voice down.
"Why should we? We're the ones who invited you here." Liir ventured, his face turning pasty at the prospect of how I would react to his outspokenness. I saw Dorothy's eyes go wide and fearful in her face. She squeezed his arm; I could see in her expression that she wanted him to back down and leave me alone, but he did not look at her face and mistook the gesture to mean that he should continue. Emboldened by Dorothy's supposed urging, he proceeded to slander me, growing more and more outspoken by the sentence. This was his outpouring of all the hatred that he'd held pent up inside himself through years of my negligence.
"Why do you think I should back down and obey you like I used to? Motherhood was never your strong suit, was it? I feel sorry for those babies you're carrying; I hope you're not going to treat them the way you treated me!"
Dorothy and Fiyero wore identical expressions of shock, Dorothy because Liir had never told her of the fact that I was his mother, and Fiyero because I'd never let him in on exactly how I'd treated the boy. It wasn't as if I'd ever physically hurt him, but the psychological abuse invoked by my indifference and detachment had wreaked more havoc on his mind than any physical abuse would've; if I had ever hit him at least it would've been an indication of my having any interest in him at all. But I'd never done much but ignore him and then get mad at him for always being around to annoy me.
"You, witch, are a lucky woman. If it had been up to me I would've left you there. I cared about Dorothy and the fact that she would feel responsible if she let you die, not you. If not for Dorothy's taking pity on you, you wouldn't be alive. Not you, not him, not those poor children you're carrying!" he shouted, gesturing to me and Fiyero then back to me. "I pity them because, one: you will be their mother and two: they'll probably end up just like you. Soulless. They have nothing going for them."
Fiyero stared at me, his face paralyzed into shock and disbelief and anger. His eyes seemed to heat slowly with it, burning into my face. I felt my cheeks go hot, but I paid him very little regard just then. My attentions were focused on Liir.
I knew I deserved what the boy was hurling in my face, there's no denying that. But at that moment I neither possessed the discretion nor the mentality to keep my trap shut and take it. I had always been very good at bringing chaos upon myself, and who was to say that now would be any different? I slowly got to my feet and replied.
"And you, Liir, have no right to say such things. You have never understood what life as an outcast entails. And you have never known what it feels like to see the only person you could honestly say you loved lying on your floor in a pool of his own blood and then realize years and years later that you carried his child and never knew it. Once you'd figured it out, would you want to admit to yourself what you'd done to that child? And even if I did come around and accept that I was your mother would you have actually believed me? No, of course not. You would've pushed me away and done exactly as you are now. But you are right in one respect; I am lucky. That man I loved never did die." I said in a precariously even voice.
"Really? Then where the hell is the bastard now? And why has he acted like you for so many years, like I had no significance at all?"
"He's right next to me." I answered, relishing the stunned expression Liir wore and twisting half of my mouth into a smile. If I had turned my head I could've seen Fiyero's fury played out in full across his face, but I didn't; I wanted to focus on Liir.
And I could not look at Fiyero for fear of seeing cold rejection in his eyes. I had spoken without thinking. If there was one thing I would have done anything at all to ensure I would be able to keep forever, it was Fiyero's approval. I would have nothing at all if not love, and I was terrified that I'd just lost it.
After a few long seconds spent in agonizing silence, Liir found his tongue and snapped back at me, "So you kept it from him? You made sure he couldn't care about his having a son? You knew that if you never told him about me he couldn't turn on you, didn't you? I bet you that would've been what he'd have done if you'd actually let him know exactly what happened at Kiamo Ko in the last few years. You always were out to watch your own back, weren't you? When did you ever look out for someone else?"
"I don't need to justify myself to you! I know you will never take my word for it, so why should I try? You'll always have your warped view of me, and nothing I can say will change that! Why do you bother?" I cried. I knew that whatever I could say about Fiyero or Glinda he would turn around and ask why I couldn't have done the same for Sarima, Irji, Manek, Nor, and himself. It was a no-win situation.
Liir and I both fell silent, staring at each other with faces contorted in anger. Dorothy stepped up beside him and laced her fingers through his, regarding me with a cool expressionless gaze. Fiyero spoke up for the first time, addressing me.
"Elphaba, just...stop." His face was tired, but his eyes were hard and alive, boring through me and my anger with his own. It chilled me to the core.
"I don't...Whatever you want me to say, I - I don't know what it is. All I can say is I'm sorry." I replied quietly. Still I could not look at him.
I left the room and pushed through the door to the bedroom Fiyero and I shared. Would nothing ever go smoothly for me? Ever? Between Liir and Dorothy and Fiyero I was in no mood to deal with anything else for a while. I lowered myself to sit on the bed, angry and tired and sick of everything. Chistery was standing by the doorway, peering back and forth from them in the other room to me.
"What happened? You were yelling."
"I'm very mad at them, Chistery. You might not want to get in my way right now." I shooed him outside, not in the mood to put up with whatever questions he planned on asking me, especially not the one I knew was coming; the eternal What's for dinner. The monkey scowled at me and stuck out his tongue before he trudged out into the living room to crawl sniveling to Dorothy and try to squeeze some sympathy out of the girl.
Slowly I slid down onto my side, sighing out my grievances in a rush of air, only to have them come pouring back with my next breath. I couldn't believe what I'd said. There would be no calming Liir enough to listen to me for a good long time yet. Even if he did listen to me at some point he'd still hate me anyway. Fiyero was another story. If it was humanly possible, just then I was more scared than I'd been even when I'd seen Fiyero lying prone on the floor in the Palace cell. After all we'd been through, could it be possible that I would lose him now? I pressed my eyes shut, wishing for sleep and the possibility that things would smooth themselves out while I did so. It was a foolish hope, but I couldn't apologize to Fiyero...not just yet. He wouldn't listen to me yet. And I had nothing to say. While I waited for sleep to claim me, I could vaguely hear Dorothy arguing with Liir.
"Why didn't you ever tell me? Liir, please, you shouted at her for not being truthful to Fiyero. What about me?"
"Dorothy, I'm sorry, but -"
"I identify with you. My mother died before I even knew her. I never even had a father at all. If you ask me, I think you've got it better than I had."
"At least you had your Aunt Em and Uncle Henry. I had no one."
"You've got me."
"I know, but -"
"Please, Liir, don't. Let me finish. And why didn't you listen to me while we were walking home? I told you to leave her alone. Look, I know you don't like -"
"Hate."
"You don't hate -"
"Yes, I do, Dorothy."
"Whatever. Do you have any idea what she's had to go through?"
"Why should I care? You don't even know. She doesn't talk much, except to him."
"You're right, I don't know, but I can tell you this much, your situation would be a lot worse if you were like her."
"What, if I was some green monstrosity?"
I had no desire to hear any more of that conversation. I worked at forcing myself to sleep, and after a while I succeeded. I'd been dozing for a while when I felt silky fur against my cheek and heard a quiet meow in my ear. Dorothy and Liir had a cat? I hadn't seen one in the few days I'd been in residence here. Under normal circumstances I'd have wanted to get to know the little creature, but just then I didn't want to open my eyes. I wanted to sleep myself into oblivion and ignore everything and everyone.
Yet the annoying little creature would not take the hint. It kept at it, pawing at my face and meowing until I'd get up and give it some attention. I was this close to swinging out my hand to push it away, but I stopped mid-swat when I felt a much larger depression cave into the mattress and then a bit of a bounce when whatever it was leaped off the bed. It landed almost soundlessly on the floor, and then it spoke.
"I don't much like being ignored, you know."
My eyes opened and blinked a few times. When they were up to seeing again they met the sight of a white belly fringed at the edges by silky orange fur that merged into scales halfway down. I looked up into the Tiger's face and he smiled at me.
"Since when did you become such a kitten?" I asked dryly. Mo one was going to escape my mouth today, no matter how glad I was to see him.
"I didn't want to scare the girl when I showed up, unlike that Yackle woman did."
"You know Yackle?" I asked, a bit disbelieving.
"Yes, I do. She enjoys scaring those she comes to assist, and the fact that she's a creepy old crone only helps her to be better at it. It's the only perverse pleasure she takes from being both frighteningly ancient and immortal. The fact is she's got nothing better to do with herself. I prefer not to frighten people off; I find it makes it easier to get them to trust me, but what do I know? I'm still fairly new at this as far as immortal terms go. As a new one I have far more limits placed on me to train me to accommodate myself to know what information I can and cannot divulge to you. You're my first task as a Guardian. Believe it or not, Yackle is the one who set me to be one of your informants and protectors."
"Really?" I said. Some guardians. Neither he nor Yackle had been there when Fiyero and I had been captured, nor had they been there when the two of us had almost met our deaths. But the Tiger had some excuses. For a protector, he was kind of at a disadvantage being of such a strange shape. It had to be hard for him to get places without being noticed. I guessed that as a new immortal he was also still trying to figure out what he could and could not do. Yackle was a different story. Maybe that was where the fear thing came in for her.
"I know what you're thinking, Elphaba. Why weren't we there when the Commander tried to kill you? Well, while we're allowed to hlp you, we're forbidden to step in and save your life if it comes into danger. You have to use what information we give you to make it through that sort of thing on your own. Don't ask me why; they're Yackle's rules and I have to follow them."
"So that cretin is your boss?"
"Mmmm hmmm. She's been in charge since before Oz even had a name. So, to get away from that subject, may I ask why you're so...aggravated?"
"If you'd have been here ten minutes earlier you would know. Sweet Oz, I wish you'd scared that girl all the way back to wherever it is she came from and told her to take my halfwit son with her!"
"So you fought?"
"'Fought' doesn't even begin to cover it."
"Well, since I can't resolve this one for you, I might as well tell you what I came here to. Maybe it'll brighten your mood just a little."
"I don't 'brighten', my friend, I smoulder."
"Ha ha. Look at me laughing." he said dryly. "Just listen to me, will you?"
"Fine." I sighed. "I suppose whatever you've got to tell me is better than being left to seethe and feel sorry for myself."
"Your friend Boq and his daughter are both perfectly fine, give or take some bruises and a deflowering."
"That doesn't sound like perfectly fine to me."
"The main thing is, they're alive."
"I suppose. Go on."
"Anyway, once I figured out a way to meander around the City in a form that would neither deplete me of energy nor make people look at me like I'm some monster -"
"You've taken human form before, couldn't you have done that again?"
"You know how drained you were after you let the girl use the last of your magic reserves? Yeah, that was me."
"I see."
"So, as I was saying, the two of them are currently residing in the City, courtesy of one Master Avaric. But, they plan to make their way back to Munchkinland soon. Boq wanted to stay here long enough to learn what became of you and your lover after the two of you managed to get him out and yourselves incarcerated all in the same five minutes. When I finally got him and his daughter to believe that, yes, there really was a, orange tabby cat talking to them, I gave them your status as alive. They seemed relieved enough. Actually, if I wasn't mistaken I could've swork Noq was fighting off tears."
I had a hard time believing that the man would be that relieved, but didn't interrupt.
"He asked me if I would let you know that he's not deserting you; he said he needs to find a way to salvage what's left of his life now that he's got no family left but for his daughter. I wonder what he'll think when he reaches his old home to see that it's been emaciated by the Gale Force."
"What?"
"They gutted it for anything of value. They took most everything."
The horses...they didn't have them...
"Is there any way I could get two large animals from the Vinkus to here without...damaging them?"
"I wouldn't advise you to do so right now. You're still augmenting your energy. What sort of animals?"
"Two horses. Specifically, the ones you brought to Fiyero and me after we escaped the Force out in the Grasslands."
"Hmmmm...I'm not the best one to ask about that. But, I believe Dorothy would know what to be doing with something of the like."
"Why would I ask her? She's only been in Oz for a year, and exactly how much knowledge of sorcery could a thirteen year old girl retain, especially one who'd never even known that there was such a thing as magic before getting herself dropped here?"
"Still, it's a year's more worth of training that you've never had."
I could've said something, but no matter which way I turned it, he was right. I hated that with a passion.
"Plus, Dorothy was taught by Glinda. And once Glinda...passed, the rest of the sorcerers in the palace stepped up her training. They've been teaching her at twice the rate that Glinda had been - she's next in line for the position of Good Witch. And it won't be much longer until she takes the role; she's been absorbing the knowledge at an insane rate, being as she's fluent in the language the Grimmerie was written in. The book was created in her realm."
Yes, I vaguely remembered Sarima saying something to the effect that the book had not been made in Oz when she gave it to me to read, that it had been given to her by a traveler not from anyplace in what lands she knew of. But what shocked me was that they were going to give an incredibly young girl the role Glinda had filled. More had gone into the position than just magical inclination; there was a political aspect as well, and something like that was far beyond Dorothy's comprehension. She was far too trusting and naive for that sort of thing. Then there was the fact that they were going to entrust this to a girl who did not even belong in Oz or know how to deal with its people. Some perverse corner of my mind was interested in seeing what sort of chaos would ensue with a girl like that trying to do what Glinda had politically, but something told me I wouldn't be so interested if I was still here when such chaos did ensue. Not that I thought I would still be in this place if that ever did happen. As soon as Fiyero and I were well enough we planned to get as far away from the monster of corruption and self-demolition that was Oz.
"I can't ask her." I said.
"Why can't you?"
"You didn't hear what went on back there."
"Wait a while. You try to live up to your word on getting her back where she came from, and maybe you'll win her over. She sympathizes with you, at least a little if nothing else."
"Can you please just see if you'll be able to do it? I owe the girl enough already without adding to my debt."
"I'll see what I can do." the Tiger sighed. "If I can I'll do so, and I'll be back to tell you. By then I want to see you reconciled with Fiyero and Dorothy, if not Liir. If you ask me, you and him are too far gone for complete forgiveness."
"Thank you for stating the obvious." I snapped, positively radiating sarcasm. I didn't need anyone else telling me what I'd done wrong. Liir had brought plenty of guilt back to weigh on my shoulders in the last half hour alone. I knew that close to everything he'd said about me had been true, hence the longer I let my mind dwell on it the more guilty I felt.
::You bring these things upon yourself, Elphaba. Learn when to keep your bedamned mouth shut.:: I growled at myself.
"Before you speak to anyone, calm down first. You'll thank yourself for it." The Tiger said, and shifted back to house cat size. I had to look away as he changed; the transferring of his shape was dizzying to watch. Once miniaturized, he leaped up to sit beside me on the bed and rubbed his head against my hand. "Things will work out eventually."
"I hope so." I replied, gently scratching behind his ears, pausing when he got up to sit in my lap, and then stroking his back as he got himself settled and closed his eyes.
"You know I would never be letting you do this if I was my normal shape." he said, opening one eye. "It's undignified for a Tiger to be petted by anyone, and sitting in someone's lap just throws whatever self-respect is left to the wind." I smiled a little and continued to pet him. "Do you feel any better?"
"A little."
"Take as long as you need. I know things have been more than trying for the past week or so."
So I did, stroking his silky orange and black coat for more than an hour and a half. He purred like a quiet machine, whiskers twitching every now and then, and eventually fell asleep. I barely noticed when he did so; I just kept repeating the motion of my hand over his fur until it required no thought at all, becoming automatic and allowing my mind to slip into an oblivious lack of thought. It felt wonderful just to lose awareness for a while. It had a calming effect, even a small aspect somewhere that let me put aside for now the events of the past few hours. I hadn't realized how much I'd desperately needed to do so.
After a while the click of the turning doorknob jerked me out of the blank reverie. I knew it was Fiyero. There wasn't any need for me to look to see who it was.
"I've got a lot to make up for, don't I?" I asked. My eyes were trained on the Tiger's back, and my voice rang hollowly through the empty silence, sounding alien even to my own ears.
"Yes..." he said after he closed the door behind him. Once he was sure Dorothy and Liir wouldn't be able to hear us, he sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. "...we both do."
"Oh?"
"It's partly my fault, isn't it?"
"How is it your fault?"
"I disappeared."
"But still, that never gave me the right to treat him like he never existed."
"No, it didn't."
"So get the anger out of your system and let me have it."
"I'm not going to yell at you."
"Then dole out what punishment you will and we'll both feel better off for it."
"What do you expect me to do?"
"How should I know? But whatever it is, just do it and get it over with."
"I'm just as flawed as you; I have no right to be judgmental. I abandoned you both."
"You never knew of him."
"I didn't, true, but that's not the point."
"Then what is?"
"I'm not going to try guilt you into anything. You do a good enough job of that on your own."
"Don't remind me. The boy's been eating at me since Cherrystone brought the subject to light." I stopped petting the Tiger and brought my hand up to my face, kneading my fingers into my temples. The cat opened one eye and then stood, shaking himself out before leaping off of my lap.
"I think I'll leave you to it. Go easy on her." he said, stopping to speak in front of Fiyero and then trotting out of the room, stepping right through the door as if it wasn't there at all.
"You're going to have to apologize." Fiyero continued after watching the cat leave.
"Liir won't listen to me."
"He probably won't listen to either of us, but just do it anyway."
"Not now."
"I'm not saying you have to now. At least talk to Dorothy."
"What makes you think she'll care?"
"She seems a bit more open-minded, at least."
"She loves Liir. That'll be enough for her to close herself off."
"Didn't you tell her you'd try to get her out of here? She can't afford to risk losing that. She's not going to block you out."
I sighed. He was right, I guessed. She probably wouldn't risk losing her chance to get home. But I wouldn't tell him so. I hadn't yet built up the nerve to look at his face.
"Fae?"
"What?"
"Come." he said, reaching his hand out to me. I took it, but still would not meet his eyes. He pulled me to my feet and tried to get me to lift my gaze to his. I would not. I stood before him, my hands enfolded in his, my eyes burning imaginary holes through the floor, until he slipped his arms around me and held tight. I returned the gesture, holding on with the same force. His hair brushed against my cheek and I buried my face in it, breathing in deeply. I felt his hand tangle itself in my loose hair, holding my head close against the curve where his shoulder met his neck. The rise and fall of his breath was comforting. When we let each other go my hands slid down his arms until they found his own.
"What a fine pair of screw-ups we turned out to be." he said, attempting to get me to smile, even a little.
"Look at us now. Did you ever envision a life like this?"
"No. But, in losing some freedom and safety, maybe, in fact, we've gained something better?" he asked. I finally brought myself to look at him, and when I saw the sad, hopeful look in his eyes I could do nothing else but draw him once more into my arms.
"I don't know what it is about you, Fiyero, but it never fails to make me see that there's still something better waiting for us. It just might take a while to get there."
"Yeah, it's been a long time coming, hasn't it? Eventually, Fabala. Eventually we'll have it. But first, apologize to our son."
I gave him a look.
"Eventually, Fiyero."