Summary: I've made up my mind. I'm going to do it. If I want to be with Josh it's the only way. I just have to get the searing doubt out of my head, and find the courage to be a man… I mean woman.
Author's Note: I did it. I made this up. I made it up and I don't like it but I hope you do. And I just have to say that my Donna is really screwed up. She likes to say bad words too but you know I've never been in the real Donna's head and I imagine she were in a crisis, I mean "crisis" like this she would probably be acting like this. Anywho I hope you enjoy. Please review.
Disclaimer: I love them. They are my little creatures. Well not mine so much as someone elses. Yes sadly I do not own them. Just admire and fantasizes about them.
Donna figured if she didn't tell Josh that she was afraid of having a relationship with him because well it might ruin both their lives potentially forever it would escalate into an even bigger fear. And then she probably wouldn't be able to speak with Josh without having the guilty feeling in her stomach that she was doing something wrong. Oh and she would go insane.
But Josh didn't have time to talk. He was there, he stared at her for a moment. She threw some files at him and he was gone once more.
So she was stuck sitting at her desk typing and mulling over the feeling that there was something wrong with her. She loved him. He loved her. Still that wasn't enough. It never had been. It should be enough to last you forever but it's not even enough to last you a few days.
For God sake stop thinking about it, she told herself. But she couldn't. She was going to lose him. He had said that he didn't care what the press thought. He didn't care if he lost his job. He just cared what she thought of him. And while that was a kind enough sentiment she thought that maybe it was a bit rash and foolish. Because she cared what the press thought, she cared if she lost his job, and most of all she knew that he wouldn't not care for long. He loves you. Can't you just leave it at that?
People had been coming by her desk all day. Making jokes, asking her if Josh was a good kisser, or even what he was like in bed. Margaret had called her five times, and Sam had called her twice. Not for shoptalk mind you, for gossip.
She wanted to take her phone of the hock. She wanted to screen her calls. But she knew that would only be a much larger issue if something actually happened and she had been blocking Margaret, Sam, C.J., and Toby by not answering the phone. So she answered the phone, hanging up on Margaret after her first four tries. And not even bothering with Sam when he asked patronizingly, "So is Josh a sissy romantic, or is he just really good in bed?"
She couldn't help but grumble, "If I didn't like Sam so much I'd beat him with a freaking sexual harassment charge."
She then politely told Margaret that she didn't have time to talk. She was working, and knew that she should be working too. Donna being more than often the ring leader when it came to office gossip only offended her friends with her seemingly higher than though attitude.
But no one knew what was really going on in her head. She had no one to turn to. No one to ask. Josh it seemed had asked everyone. Now Donna felt low and alone, she didn't want to be talked out of her decision.
Her heart felt like it was going to crumble. Hours before she had found the man she wanted to spent the rest of her life with. Now her sub-conscience was talking her out of what was possibly the best thing that had ever happened to her.
It's just a stupid dream, she nearly screamed allowed.
She got up from her desk. I have to go for a walk.
She rounded the offices. She felt like walking in circles. Clearing her mind. Trying desperately to figure out what was going on, what was going to happen. She knew what was going to happen if she didn't act.
You'll just end up hating me, she rehearsed as though speaking to Josh, justifying her doubts. You're life will be ruined. And don't give me any of that it won't be because all have you crap. Because I'll be the reason everything fell apart.
She looked at her watch. Josh would be back soon. She had to talk to him. She had to tell him what was going on in her head, in her heart. She had to manage a mumble of what she was feeling. She had to let him know.
You can't leave him, she told herself walking back to her desk. That would just kill him.
So that's when she made up her mind. She decided to make the sacrifice, for whatever it was they were going to have. She decided that if she didn't do it he never would have the courage. She knew she had to do it or he might stop loving her.
Love makes people screw up. It makes people think they are in control when really someone else is driving the bus. She was trying desperately to grab the wheel and stop the car from flipping over. All the time she had never figured the best way to keep the car going straight was just to roll with it.
You can't do it, the voice in her head argued, a voice that sounded remarkably like Josh's. You're being selfish. You won't even sit and talk with him. You love him. The least you owe him is an explanation.
Yes, she told herself. I can give him that. She paused and thought. I just hope I have the courage.