By nightfall, I had still not found Hiei, and I had searched every inch of the city. I stumbled home, barely noticing the rain as it slipped under my skin. My hair was plastered to my cheeks, and I walked blindly, the rain no match for my tears. How could a small misunderstanding destroy me so, destroy us both? I'd had no means of explaining, no chance of saving what was lost. And now everything was gone and dead and gray.
I stopped beneath the blinding halo of a streetlamp, the rain quite visible on my skin like drops of gold. I went to my knees, not in angst or anger but in utter hopelessness. I could not live without love, I couldn't survive without Hiei. It was already harder to breathe, the farther he went from me. As our hearts broke apart, I felt a hollowness inside me, and knew there was nothing there but the jagged remains of my happiness in a pile at the bottom of my stomach.
'I could lay here and die,' I thought silently, staring blankly at the sky. It was not a dramatic exclaimation, it was a simple fact. I could curl up in this very spot and die of a broken heart. It had seemed like a myth before, such death, but now I knew, it was a pain more real than any physical ailment, any cut or bruise or scrape.
A scream tore from my chest that was not human, it was not real or true to any ningen world. It shattered the sky around me until all that remained was the black of an empty universe.
I saw him fall, heard his scream. I screamed with him silently because I knew I was the cause of this pain and only me, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I knew that once you severed those ties that bind two hearts, they cannot be repaired. I leapt from my tree and ran to him, all pride, all anger gone. I knew in my heart that what I had seen was not as it had appeared. Just as I'd known he loved me without hearing the words, I knew that he would never betray my trust. I knew so many things too late.
With all of my strength I lifted him, carrying him the several yards to his house. Opening the door as quietly as possible, so as not to wake his mother, I kneed it shut behind me and hurried to his room. I laid him on the bed, and his wet hair spread out around his beautiful face. I brushed my lips against his forehead softly, only a whisper of an embrace, and then backed away.
I couldn't stay here, I couldn't bear to know I had caused him such pain, only from jumping to conclusions. I had hurt him, and I would only do so once more--in leaving. It took every ounce of strength to walk to the window, and still I could not force myself to open it. My heart had taken the last of my energy in breaking. I pressed my cheek to the cool pane and shut my eyes, begging myself to leave him. I had to save him and in doing so, I had to let him go. No good could come of loving, I knew, and I knew as well that loving me would kill him in the end.
"Hiei," I heard him whisper. I went still and clenched my jaw. I focused every ounce of me on wiping my face clean of emotion, and numbing myself in order to escape and save us both.
"If you keep falling down in the street, someone is bound to run you over, fox," I said bitingly. "And what good would that be for any of us?" I turned to him and he was staring at the ceiling.
"You're leaving, aren't you?" His voice was as empty as my eyes, and I felt my heart sink. He stood, stumbled a little over the weakness of fainting, and then met my gaze. "Then go." The ice in his voice froze me. He went to leave the room, and looked over his shoulder. "She was nothing, and you were everything, and if you don't know that then I'm wasting my time." With that he was gone, and I was in the floor trembling.
I barely made it to the bathroom before collapsing. I locked the door behind me and sliding down to the floor, I leaned against it, pulling my knees up to my chest. I wanted to break things, yell and scream and curse, but I was silent. I'd gone dead inside at the sound of his voice. The way he'd turned off all emotion, like the flip of a switch, so easily. How could I mean anything to him if he could shut me out like that, how could anything between us truly exist?
Nothing had, of course. It was the only answer. I closed my eyes and hung my head. The pain of before was gone, replaced with a stony resolve, a simple knowledge that I could never love again. I couldn't love him, I couldn't love anyone. Not if this was the result of such.
I laid down on the cold linoleum, shutting my eyes tightly to block out the world. For the first time since I'd met Hiei, I felt alone, forgotten, forsaken. I was on my own, I knew, and no one could save me.
This chapter was short, I know, but the next chapter will be quite long, promises.
3 Tay