Chapter Six: Here without You

It had been weeks and the memory of Hiei still stuck in my mind prominently. I had, however, become an expert at pushing the thoughts back, putting them off all day until finally they bombarded me as I lay in my bed at night, staring at the ceiling. I did not sleep, and if I did, my dreams were haunted by him. I was vaguely aware that my grades were slipping, and that I'd been losing weight. My mother was constantly nagging me to eat and everyone once and again I would, to please her, and earn a moment or two of piece. My concern for my own well-being had faded away, and while I did not want to die, I could not truly live without him. And so I'd come to subsist in a sort of half existence. I got out of bed each morning, dressed and attended school. I came home and sat at the dinner table with my mother while she ate and I poked at the dish before me with my fork.

I had lost my appetite, and my spirit was growing gray. I could feel it wilting and dying inside of me. Then came my ever-present fear, that my soul was already dead, already gone and I was just a shell, left to wander the world until I finally fell victim to disease or plague and fell in the street, to rot.

I sat staring out my window, perched tentatively on its sill. I had stopped looking for him, had stopped expecting him to be there in the moonlight. I was not watching the world any longer, and when I stared across the night I did so emptily, lost inside my own head. I could not see the real world any longer, did not wish to. It had become cold and impersonal to me. Flowers wilted at my fingertips, trees died and leaved their mourning tears on the earth, all around me. I could not find the sky behind the clouds, could not feel the sun's warmth for its glare.

I was aware of pain as something trivial and remote, something that I'd experienced once, and that had become mundane to me. Passion and love were distant friends and bitter foes. I turned my head from sentiment. A black and white earth consumed me now, surrounded me in its stark simplicity.

I walked the cold, dark streets every night. They stretched before me like regrets and memories, and were filled with mine. I could hear his laugh, could see his eyes shining against the sleek wet asphalt. I wandered the streets of the city until finally I would find myself there, across the street from him, only a few yards away. I would lurk in shadows and watch his window, waiting. He never disappointed, he always came to that spot, like clock work. He would sit and stare, and the death in him was echoed within me. His face was gaunt and drawn, his skin dun. Even from my viewing point, I could tell his eyes had lost whatever sparkle they'd held. I knew it was because of me. I knew that I had destroyed any chance of happiness for us both. Perhaps it was selfish, perhaps my worries had had no basis, but to me they seemed justified. My logic was clear and precise in my own head.

I paced the sidewalk, my hands deep in my pockets. Every now and again I would glance up to that window. Still he sat, his eyes fixed on oblivion. I'd resisted the urge to go to him for days that could no longer be counted. Tonight was different; tonight I needed him more than I ever had. It was not a physical urge; it wasn't anything I could control. It was a pure, animalistic drive to be in his arms.

I stopped my pacing and stared at his mournful face for a long moment. Then I sat down on the cold cement of the walkway and put my head in my hands. I could not stay here and keep myself from him. I could not wander, hungry and broken, waiting for a sign that the time was right to return to him.

That time would never come, I knew. I had lost any right to ask of him his love. I had shattered our fragile bond and the damage was such that it could never be repaired.

I watched him stand and walk away from the window. Shortly after, the light went out in his bedroom. I wondered if he'd suffered the same insomnia as me, laying awake all night, too busy thinking to sleep and too afraid of what dreams may come if one were to give into the temptation.

I walked into the small stretch of lawn before his house and stood directly below his window, staring up at the pond of black glass. The tree was right beside me, and the window would be unlocked still, I was sure of it. For a moment I considered the unimaginable—waking him from his sleep, lying next to him, reliving that night...the one night when everything had been perfect; the night before I ruined the whole lot.

But these were only imaginings and as I walked away, I felt the distance between our spirits growing. Deadness floated between.

AN: This was a short chapter, but everything has been moving quite fast and I figured I'd slow down and catch a moment in all of the hurry.