Chapter 5: Familia
Italics are thoughts
Bold and Italics are lyrics
The boys had been gone for almost 3 hours. I drank to ward off my mother-like worry. I hated being away from them, the silence thickened as I thought of Murphy and Connor. We'd been inseparable since I was practically born. We had all the same classes until we graduated. I told these boys almost everything, they knew my whole entire thought process, and vise versa. Sure, Connor and Murphy were a bit closer to each other, but what twins aren't? We fought for each other, coming home bruised and bloody because someone had started with one of the others. We'd all bled enough for each other to be considered family. Emotions exploded inside of me. I lit up another cigarette, my 10th in half-an-hour, to ease the anxious worry that was slowly mounting on my shoulders.
What's taking so long? I shot another glance at the clock.
They're fine…No…something's wrong…I need to find them…
Stay here, they'll be back any minute, they probably went to have a drink
Not without me…they're in some deep shit…
What will they do when they come here to find the place empty?
Well it'd serve them right for leaving me behind.
I felt so helpless just sitting there in a tank top and a pair of Murphy's pajama pants, just waiting. I put my head down on the table, shutting my eyes and letting memories of the boys and I flood my brain. I could remember being 15 and spending the endless summer days at the nearest lake, swimming and laughing, spending the warm summer nights in an open field, staring at the stars as we talked for hours about nothing and everything.
"Do ya think we'll always be together?" I remember Murphy asked, not taking his innocent blue eyes from the sparkling stars. Connor looked at us, unfolding his hands from behind his head.
"Of course, don't be stupid. We're family, nothin' comes between family."
I could remember the hundreds of fights we'd all gotten in for each other. There were some that two of us fought. I remember Connor going through so many girlfriends, all of them eventually getting tired of Connor putting me first. Murphy never dated like Connor, he had had a few girlfriends, nothing ever too serious though. We were stuck with each other, and we wouldn't have it any other way…
The door smashed open with a band. My head flew up as my fears became real. Murphy limped in, his movements slowed by the weight of Connor, who wasn't moving. My heart pounded as I helped bring Connor into the bedroom and lay him down. There was no way he could still be alive. Blood was everywhere. It had soaked Connor's shirt, turning it a deep crimson, it had covered his face too. It was then that I noticed the 4 holes in his shirt, bullet holes…I noticed the slow rise and fall of his chest. I turned to Murphy, who was staring at his brother's motionless body. Murphy looked at me, tears starting to run down his cheeks. This was worse then I thought. Instinctively I ripped open Connor's sopping shirt, looking for anything to help stop the bleeding. Murphy handed me a dishrag, and I heard the water running. Murphy started trying to clean the drying blood off of Connor. We sat there, well into the night cleaning and bandaging Connor, neither of us saying a word other then the occasional prayer. It was 2 in the morning before we stopped. I looked at Connor, who's face looked like hell. His lip was swollen on the left side, a trail of blood had dried there, his eye was swelling slightly too. His entire face was covered in blood, a solid mixture of his own and Connor's.
He let me clean him up a bit as we sat by Connor, neither of daring to leave, for fear something might happen. He looked at me, his blue eyes held pain and suffering, where there had once been wonder and love.
"What happened?" He said nothing, but still didn't take his eyes off mine.
"Murphy…tell me…" I begged.
"We got to his house, and waited, the wife left, and the kids. We got in alright, but he was waiting…it was a fucking ambush. They…they were everywhere. We thought we'd gotten them all…. but one wasn't dead…. and the next thing I know, Connor's pushing me out of the way…" Murphy said, giving a guilty look at Connor as he tried to fight back the tears.
"Get some rest, dear, I'll watch him." I whispered as I held him.
"But—"He started. I held a finger to his lips.
"If anything happens, I'll let you know. Good…or bad…" I promised, Murphy nodded as he made his way to the raggedy couch. And soon, I could hear him breathing softly. I sat there in silence, watching Connor, praying every now and again for him to make it through, for my sake, and even more for Murphy's sake. Lyrics suddenly sprang into my head. Roc used to listen to it a lot. I searched for the tape and played it softly.
Ever since I was young
Your word is the word that always won.
Worry and wake the ones you love.
A phone call I'd rather not receive.
Please use my body while I sleep.
My lungs are fresh and yours to keep.
Kept clean and they will let you breathe.
I thought about being the Saints, and I was tired of it. I didn't want this anymore. It had gone too far. It had gotten to dangerous now. There was too much at risk.
Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.
I jumped slightly as Connor gave a small gasp. Guilt overpowered me.
"I'm sorry…I shulda been there…" I whispered as I clasped onto his hand. Murph and Connor were my whole world. I prayed, hard. Desperately hoping that Connor would pull through.
Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these,
So I sat alone and waited out the night.
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around.
I'm not writing my goodbyes.
"God…. please…I'll do anything, I'll quit smoking, I'll go to church more…anything…let'im pull through." I cried to no one. My tears fell onto his hand.
I submit no excuse.
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake.
If I could I would shrink myself.
Sink through your skin to your blood cellsRemove whatever makes you hurt…
…But I am too weak to be your cure.
I heard Murphy by the door. He was braced against the doorframe. I looked up at him, wiping my eyes.
"I don't want to lose him…" I said as he dropped to the floor next to me. I collapsed into his arms. He didn't say anything, just looked at Connor.
"Connor won't go…he's too stubborn to…" He said.
I'm not letting you check out.
You will beat this starting now and you will always be around.
I'm there to monitor your breathing,
I will watch you while you're sleeping.
I will keep you safe and sound.
Does anybody remember back when you were very young.
Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?
We sat there, quietly. I was running my hand gently through his hair, humming one of his favorite Irish songs. Murphy was hurting inside; I knew he was. He very rarely showed anything he was feeling. But if you looked hard enough into his blue eyes, you could see the pain, and the guilt and the fear he was hiding inside himself. Murphy didn't say a word; he just looked at Connor, battling with himself to keep calm. I knew Murphy would talk if he wanted to. We sat there most of the night, just listening to awkward silence loom in the apartment. I yawned as I looked at the clock. 4:54 am. I stretched as I sat on the floor. It's almost like I was scared to move, I hadn't left this spot all night.
"Go get some sleep…. you look exhausted." Murphy said. I glanced at Connor, who hadn't improved or declined tonight.
"I suppose a quick nap won't hurt…. you'll wake me if anything happens?" He nodded. I wasn't tired in the least bit, but I knew Murphy wanted time alone, to cry and pray for Connor. So I let him lead me onto the couch, and cover me with a blanket. He went to go back to Connor and I grabbed his arm.
"When you're done, can you come and lay with me for a bit." I wanted to cringe, I sounded like a child who was scared of the dark. Murphy flashed a smile and nodded. I lay there, desperately wanting this to be a dream. But this was real…. Connor was in the other room, fighting with himself to live or die. I wasn't there to keep them safe…. I felt like a failure. I shut my eyes, hoping for sleep to overwhelm me and let me escape this, even for a little while. I felt the blanket move, and new warmth next to me. I didn't need to open my eyes, it was Murphy, I knew it. I felt his soft lips on my forehead as he wrapped his arms around me. He knew I was awake. Murphy didn't have to guess.
"I love you so much, little fire." He whispered. Little fire…that was what my name meant in Gaelic, and it fit me perfectly. Connor's and Murphy's fit them too. Connor's meaning "Strong willed" which was an amazing match because Connor was the most stubborn man I've ever known, and Murphy's meant "sea warrior" which doesn't really fit anyone, but still…it's a cool name….
"I love you too, my warrior" I said quietly. I looked up at him. His eyes were full of emotions. It killed me to know that I couldn't magically make Connor better. Murphy felt naked without Connor who was his protector, his best friend. I knew I couldn't do anything to fill that void, and I didn't want to try.
"Rien ne vient entre la famille" I said, he smiled a bit, holding me tightly. And we laid like that, until sleep drifted over us, and we were free from worry and fear.
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The Lyrics are "Guernica" by Brand New
the english translation of "Rien ne vient entre la famille" is "nothing comes between family"