A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews. I'm glad you like it. I almost never write such sad stories but the idea came to me and once I started I can't seem to stop.
-
"Luke was killed, he was shot trying to save Will." I can hear Rory's small voice in my head the entire ride to Lorelai's house. I had told Rory that we would be right there but when Marty offered to drive, I knew that he wouldn't make it. So I drove, the whole long distance to Lorelai's house. And I still can't get Rory's voice out of my head.
Marty got to Rory before I could, of course I'm sure she needs him more. But as I watch Rory collapse in Marty's arms, I wonder who is holding whom. And I pray that Richard will get here soon.
The house is in Lorelai's standard disarray. How three children have been brought up in this place, I'll never know. Luke always seemed to just let things be Lorelai's way. But as I glance around I can see photos that remind me this is – or was – a happy home.
Finally my eyes settle on my daughter and my heart aches. To love someone and never think that they feel the same, it hurts. Lorelai is my one regret in life. The one regret that will never change, always be there, always a reminder that I'm not the person I wanted to be. I'm not the mother that I wanted to be. I didn't want to be this.
I, Emily Elizabeth Stanton Gilmore, grew up as a daughter of society in the Upper East Side of New York City. I was educated at a private school for girls who were going to be part of society. But as a girl, I thought I was different. I would see all girls from high class families get together for tea parties and I would go, but it wasn't the same. I could see my life laid out before me as a never ending tea party. And it wasn't what I wanted.
My sister, Hope, was my parent's angel. She talked about her coming out party until the day she actually became a debutante. On the other hand, I hoped that time for me would stay far far away. I couldn't see myself walking in front of strangers, pretending to be beautiful and perfect and rich and hoping that the right man would come around and change my life. I wanted to be the one to change my life. More than anything, I admired the Eleanor Roosevelts and Jackie Kennedys of the world, who never let society get to them. They rebelled against society, which only made it chase after them more.
Of course that all changed when Hope ran away. I, a year older than my sister, had been the belle of the ball. I had joined society, the DAR, and various high class service organizations. And I had caught the eye of a young man named Julius Stewart. We were, at least we thought we were, hopelessly in love.
When Hope left, my father began to drink and my mother hid in her room. The household strayed from society and my parents were no longer invited to be a part of it. But suddenly, I wanted to. I wanted to be the belle of the Stantons. I wanted to prove to Hope that she ruined her life. That society could offer more than she ever dreamed of, that by staying and not running away from this life, I had made the best decision. And I got rid of Jules, who still wished I was the rebellious teen I had once been. I became the queen of society and suddenly I reveled in it. But Hope never saw what I saw. And Lorelai never saw what I saw either.
"I'm going to get Rory to bed," Marty tells us. Good. That girl needs to get some rest. He's a smart boy, that Marty. He's a good husband and he's going to be a good father.
"She fell asleep," I comment, glancing at Lorelai. I notice Sookie let out a sigh of relief. Lorelai must have been in such a state when Sookie arrived, I can only imagine. She's prone to hysterics about the littlest things, I can't imagine what she must have been like when she heard the news.
"Can I get you some coffee?" Sookie asks me. I take a look at her. She seems sad also. Why is she offering me coffee? Shouldn't it be the other way? Shouldn't the person offering the coffee be less emotional than the one receiving it?
"I'll make it," I offer and we go into the kitchen. Thankfully I know that coffee supplies are the only things that Lorelai puts in the same place time after time. Strange. As if coffee is the most important thing in her life. "Where are the twins?" I ask.
"I'm not sure," Sookie says, sitting down at the table. I turn on the coffee pot and pull up the chair across from her. "I suppose Rory found someone to take them in until she and Lorelai can take care of them." She shakes her head. "Those poor children."
Poor Rory. This is too much for her. Lorelai never grew up after having a child. Rory was always the adult. She was always the one watching over her mother. And now she's going to be a mother, she doesn't have time to mother Lorelai and her siblings as well. She shouldn't have to be the one telling people the news, finding the doctor, calling her mother's work, taking care of the twins.
There's a knock at the door. We hear the door open and close and footsteps. "Emily?" I hear. He's here. I'm instantly relieved.
I walk quickly into the front hall, hearing Sookie following after me. "Hal," I say.
"I came as quickly as I could," Hal says. I've known Hal for years, he went to Yale with Richard. And he's always number one on my list when I need a doctor. He leans over and kisses my cheek.
"Luke!" we hear from the other room. As we rush into the living room, we find Lorelai suddenly sitting up on the couch. She is breathing hard, but staring at nothing.
"She must have woken herself up," Hal murmurs. Lorelai rubs her head for a moment, trying to remember where she is, I think.
"Luke!" She glances around, but not really because I don't think she actually sees us. "Luke!" she shrieks, tears beginning to run down her face. Lorelai takes off up the stairs.
"Lorelai!" Sookie exclaims. She follows Lorelai up the stairs. What on earth is going on? I glance over at Hal.
"Five stages of grief," he notes. "Denial's first." Denial. How on earth? There's a loud crash from upstairs.
"Oh, God," I worry as I run up the stairs. In the bedroom, Lorelai is on the floor in front of the closet, the rod from the closest has been pulled down and there are clothes and boxes of things everywhere. Lorelai's hands are covering her face as she sobs and Sookie sits next to her rubbing her shoulder.
"I've got it," Hal say, coming up behind me. Marty and Rory follow. Taking a pre-filled syringe from his pocket, Hal convinces Marty to hold Lorelai down for a moment. He injects whatever the medication is into my daughter's arm as she screams in fear, terror, sadness, and anger.
"Mom!" Rory exclaims. She's instantly by Lorelai's side, pulling her mother's face to her shoulder. Hal comes back to my side.
"She'll be asleep in a moment. I can stay for awhile, make sure things are okay and then just have Rory call if she needs more help," Hal says. I nod slowly, watching Lorelai for a moment.
I've never seen her like this and it breaks my heart. My daughter is hurting and I can do nothing. I can't pull her into my arms and hold her. I can't say any words of comfort. I can't help her to sleep or sing to her or take care of her. My poor girl. How much I love her, she'll never know. How much I respect what she's made of her life, she'll never know. How much I long to tell her the truth, she'll never know. All I can hope is that I can do something, even minute, to help my daughter get through this.