Karen: All right, before we go into River Belle Path, let's assign the roles and Magicites. Since this is our first level, it really doesn't matter.
Sarah: I call Curer!
Karen: OK, Sarah is the Curer and gets the Cure Magicite. Now, Aaron and me are in the front lines while I get the Blizzard, and Aaron gets the Fire. Rutker and Depre will be in the back attacking with spells. Rutker has the Life, and Depre has the Lightning.
Daemon: What do I get to do? Stay behind you?
Karen: No. You'll be distracting the enemies while they chase you.
Daemon: WHAT?
Karen: You also get the Clear, which you'll have to use because I say so. And I'll allow that you don't get any other Magicites.
Daemon: Oh come on! I can do more than be bait!
Karen: Like what? Beat up Rutker? I doubt it.
Daemon: I bet I can beat you!
Karen: Try it.
Daemon: OK. charges at Karen
Daemon trips
Karen: Pathetic. Karen steps on Daemon
Daemon: Ow, that hurts.
Karen: Like I care. All right, let's go in there!
Depre: But wait, shouldn't we organize Spell Fusion?
Aaron: Say wha?
Depre: Like, who combines spells with who?
Karen: Sighs All right. Since you and Rutker are getting Life and Lighting, you guys will be doing Holy. Aaron and me will do Gravity.
Rutker: What about the –aga spells?
Sarah: Like we'll need them.
Karen: Let's see, I'm getting this picture in my head being surrounded by Fire-weak creatures and us dying. So, no we don't need the –aga spells. Let's go already.
Rutker: But-
Karen: You wanna be bait too? I can put you in with Daemon if you want. Starts going towards Rutker with her paddle
Rutker: N-no, I'm fine.
Karen: You sure?
Rutker: Y-yeah, I'm sure.
Karen: Ok then.
Karen kills a goblin
Karen: Die, bitch!
Sarah: OK, I think he's dead now.
Karen: Let me check first.
Karen twists his head off
Karen: Yeah, he's dead.
Rutker: I'm scared, mommy.
Sarah: Karen, I know you like to kill things, but was the horrible mutilating really necessary?
Karen: No, but it's fun.
Daemon: You want to know what else is fun?
Karen whacks him
Karen: Yeah, kicking your ass.
Daemon: I've been violated again! And I like it!
Karen whacks him into another group of monsters
Daemon: OH COME ON! GIVE ME SOME SLACK!
Karen: Let's go already.
Sarah: I see a group of monsters ahead!
Aaron: What monsters?
Sarah: I think Goblin chiefs, or Muus, hell I don't know.
Aaron: Let's get them!
Charge
Karen: Sarah, we need to be cured!
Sarah: Hold on! I'm watching my soaps!
Karen: Sarah, dammit! You better cure us right now!
Sarah: Don't marry her, Fred!
TV: Fred, she's a fake! Commercial Break
Sarah: OK, now…Where's Karen?
Karen: Dammit Sarah!
Sarah: Hey Karen! I can see right through you!
Karen: No duh! I'm a freakin ghost, man!
Sarah: Pokes Cool You're like a hologram!
Karen: What the hell is a hologram?
Sarah: Don't know!
Karen: Where's Rutker? He has the Life spell!
Rutker: Hold on. I'm watching these monsters eat my liver.
Karen: Ah, crap.
Sarah: What about Aaron?
Karen points to a pile of crap.
Sarah: It smells…oh.
Aaron: Dammit, Sarah! This is all your fault!
Sarah: Why is it my fault? You're the one who died! What's the big deal? You look like that all the time!
Karen: Sarah, just look for a Phoenix Down and revive Rutker.
Depre: Come on Sarah, let's go.
Sarah: Pokes Hey, you're solid.
Depre: Because I'm not dead, stupid.
Sarah: Why?
Depre: Because I used Aaron as a shield.
Aaron: Bitch.
Depre: Where's Daemon?
Karen: Who cares? I think the monsters are still eating his liver.
Daemon: Hey guys! I just got my arm back! Why are you guys like that? Pokes Karen
Karen: Dammit, I can't whack him. Sarah, whack him for me.
Sarah: OK.
Daemon: Not the face!
Sarah: So, where would we find a Phoenix Down?
Karen: Obviously, from a monster or chest, you dumbass.
Daemon: I can't feel my toes! Sarah, can I lean on you fo-
Sarah: NO.
Daemon: But I'm handicapped.
Sarah: Walking makes it heal faster. Now get walking!
Depre: There's a Phoenix Down!
Sarah: And there's a Goblin horde! Run!
Daemon: Oh come on, they seem nice AAHHHH! THEY'RE HURTING ME!
Sarah: Leave him. We'll be better off.
Depre: LIGHTNING!
Monsters don't feel anything
Depre: 00 Why didn't it work?
Karen: MAYBE BECAUSE YOU DROPPED YOUR LIGHTNING FOR A FREAKIN' FRUIT SEED! What use is a fruit seed?
Depre: …For fruits? You never know when we'll get hungry.
Karen: If we get hungry with no food, we'll eat Daemon first, then Aaron.
Aaron: WHAT?
Karen: Hey, be happy you're not first.
Aaron: Meh.
Rutker: Hey, the goblins are coming towards us with clubs! Maybe they'll give us a present!
Karen: No, dumbass. They're going to kill Sarah and Depre. Well, nice knowing ya.
Sarah: Wow, thanks a lot.
Karen: No problem. Now start fighting!
Daemon accidentally lets off a bomb
Aaron: Smooth.
Sarah: Hey, he killed all of the monsters. NICE JOB, DAEMON!
Karen: You said the forbidden words! You shall be punished as soon as I live again!
Sarah: Wha? Did I actually say that?
Karen: Yeah, dumbass.
Depre: Let's just get the Phoenix Down now.
Sarah: Yeah.
Sarah revives Karen
Karen: Sarah.
Sarah: Yeah?
Karen: Remind me to kill you after we get the myrrh.
Sarah: Why?
Karen: Because you were supposed to revive Rutker, not me!
Sarah: …Why?
Karen: Because Rutker has the Life Spell, and we don't have anymore Phoenix Downs, dammit!
Sarah: Oh.
Karen: Great, we're going to have to find another Phoenix Down. I'm leading.
Daemon: Yay! I can touch Karen again!
Karen: Sarah?
Sarah: What?
Karen: Remind me to kill Daemon too after getting the myrrh…Slowly.
Sarah: Yeah, OK.
Depre: Hey, I found my Lightning Spell again!
Karen: Whoop-da-de-freakin-do-da. NOBODY FREAKIN CARES! Now let's go.
Daemon: Hey, there's a chest with a Life Spell in it!
Karen: How would you know?
Daemon: It's says so right here in the Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles Guidebook on page 23.
Karen: What? Where the hell did you get that?
Daemon: I've had it for awhile.
Karen: All right, let's just get it.
A Griffin comes
Daemon: Hey, those don't come till cycle 2!
Karen: So? Let's just kill it. Depre, Gravity! Let's go!
Gravity
Karen: Now kill it!
Fight cloud
Karen: Well, we have dinner now. Let's get that Life Spell.
Karen revives Rutker
Aaron: Hey, Full-Life me!
Sarah: Why?
Karen: It doesn't make much difference. You only have 4 hearts. Won't do anything extra.
Aaron: Well, I just wanted to see what it was like…I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!
Everyone: 0o OOOOOOKKKKKK. Let's just continue.
Party Revived
Karen: Finally. Now, before we go, let's just see what items we have.
Food, Gil, Iron, Bronze, Novice Weapons, Gloves, Belts, Sallets, Shields, Armors
Karen: Meh, it's pretty good. Now, I'll be taking those.
Aaron: WHAT? I just got that novice weapon! And you already have one!
Karen: Well, it sells for 50 or something gil, and so does a lot of this stuff.
Depre: Bitch.
Karen: Hey, you can go with Daemon over there WITH THE GOBLINS!
Depre: OK, it's OK. It's cool, it's cool.
Karen: OK, good. Let's get ready for the Giant Crab. Crappy name.
Ominous Music
Giant Crab appears
Red Mage: Dun-dun-duuunnnn!
Black Mage: You idiot! We're in the wrong game, you dumbass!
Red Mage: Oh, sorry.
Black Mage: And stop doing that! I'll kill you next time you do that.
Rutker: Totally random. Let's just fight.
Karen: Aaron, Gravity!
Gravity
Giant Crab: Hey! Watch it! I just got my shell waxed.
Karen: Holy crap, it's smarter than Daemon! Which isn't very hard to do anyways.
Sarah: You can talk!
Giant Crab: Of course I can talk! What do you think I was, some kind of dumbass?
Karen: Actually, yes. Well, let's just kill you know. Rutker, Depre, Holy!
Holy
Giant Crab: I'm mad! Thundara
Daemon: I can't move!
Sarah: Good. You stay there, while he goes after you so we can attack him.
Karen: Depre, you have a Blizzard, right?
Depre: Yeah.
Karen: Then Blizzaga! Blizzara Dammit, Depre. You have to wait longer! Blizzara Depre, get it right! Blizzara
Giant Crab: You guys done? I'm freezing over here!
Blizzaga
Karen: Finally.
Giant Crab: OK, that's it. Thundaga
Karen: Oh, son of a- Paralysis Sarah, cure us! And get it right this time!
Sarah: OK, ok. Cure
Aaron: Charge! Lance stuck in leg
Giant Crab: Ew, bad onions.
Aaron: I'M NOT AN ONION!
Scrape off Aaron
Aaron: Ow, ow.
Karen: I've had enough. Sarah, Double Smash!
both do Focus Attacks
Giant Crab: I…only…wanted people…to remember my name. Dick Head.
Karen: Now shut up and die, you Dick.