The entire morning and some of the afternoon up to this point is a blur to me. I think I remember leaving the house, but going to the diner and how I cut my hands is lost to me. The girls showing up seems a faint memory. Yet, I still can feel that rash anger I felt when I trashed the room. That raw bleeding hatred for forces I can't begin to understand.

Here we stand now. Sookie left a few hours ago to go check on the inn, where I haven't been in a long time. Dave came and left, taking Lane with him. They had other things to do, they have lives outside of mine. That's understandable. But Rory's still here with me, she's my constant.

She insisted that we get out of the building and go pick out a casket. Rory took me to the only funeral home in Stars Hallow, where the woman led us around from casket to casket explaining the advantages and disadvantages of each one. I really couldn't say what exactly she said. It sounded like mumbo-jumbo to me. This is a different scene from a different time and with different people.

Luke and I stood here only a few years ago. Actually more like 10 years ago trying to pick out a casket for his uncle. Luke, who never gets shaken, was in a state I never saw him in before. He didn't even like his uncle, but when we went to pick out a casket for Uncle Louie, Luke just couldn't take it anymore. I still remember. And I didn't understand then. But this time it's different.

I know that he didn't hear what the casket man said, or possibly even what I said. All he had were the memories in his head, mostly of his dad's death. It must have been Luke who picked out William's casket and dealt with the funeral. When we looked at Louie in the coffin with his baseball cards and everything else he wanted buried with him, all Luke must have seen is his dad.

It's hard to pick out a casket when you realize that's the last place you're going to see the one you love. The last picture that's going to remain in your mind. And nothing is enough. No casket is enough to explain and help you remember years and years together. And no matter what you decide, all you're going to feel is helpless and lonely.

"We were here before." Rory rubs my arm then and I realize I must have said that last statement aloud.

"What about this one?" Rory asks, running a finger over the edge of the casket in front of us. It's a light brown wood with some kind of border. Really I could care less. What does it matter? He's the one who died, why didn't he just pick it out beforehand? Why did he have to leave me to do this when I'm the one hurting? Why did he have to leave!

"I – excuse me," I manage before I crack. I'm suddenly overcome with dizziness and nausea. I run up the stairs and out of the building. Standing on the sidewalk, I put my hands on my hips trying to hold it together. Trying not to hurl. I take a few deep breaths as I try to make this feeling go away. Try to make all feelings go away.

"Mom, I took care of it," Rory says, walking out of the place. She puts an arm around me, leading me in the direction of home. I know what she wants me to do. I know I need to.

"Are they at home?" I ask.

"I called Marty. He and April have been playing with them and stuff while we've been gone. But, Mom, this can't wait any longer."

"I know," I respond, almost in a whisper.

We pause in front of the house as I take a look at it, for really the first time in a long time. It doesn't have the same feeling as it did when Rory and first moved in. The house was a new place, it was like our own little castle. But when Rory went to live with my parents for that few months and Luke moved in, it really began to be a niche. It became a real home for a man and wife and kids.

"Come on," Rory says, leading me inside.

"Mommy!" Katie exclaims, running to me and wrapping her arms around my legs. I brush the top of her head with my hand, her baby-soft curls so light against my touch. Noticing Will, I force myself to smile but I think he can tell that it didn't come effortlessly. And suddenly I realize, Will knows. He was there. He watched his dad die. Suddenly, I'm no longer sad for myself, but for my son who watched the man he loved and looked up to slowly disappear.

"Katie, Will, go sit on the couch, we have to talk," I say. As I watch them follow my instructions, April walks over to me. Oh April. The poor girl really just got to know her dad and now she has to survive on those few years of memories. If Chris had died, at least Rory would have years of memories to get her through. If only Anna had told April and Luke earlier. I still can't believe she would do that to a child. To never know your father, I can't imagine it. My dad and I may not have the best relationship, but I still knew it wasn't enough when he went to the hospital with angina years ago. And my children. They'll barely remember Luke when they're Rory's age or even April's age.

"Lorelai, I was sorry to hear," she says. I pull the poor girl into my arms. She was sorry? She feels sorry for me? It should be the other way. I had time with him. I got to know him. I have almost 20 years of memories. What does she have? Barely a photo album.

"He loved you," I whisper into her ear. As we let go, I can see the tears in her eyes and I know she loves him too. Sorry – loved him too. This denial, it's a wonderful thing.

I walk over and kneel on the floor in front of Katie and Will, placing a hand on each of their knees. "Hey guys," I begin, still trying to think of how to tell them. I've been a mother for years but nothing could have prepared me for this. "I need to tell you about your dad."

"Is Daddy coming home soon?" Katie asks. Will looks down in his lap. I squeeze his knee, letting him know that I'm still here.

"No, Hun. When Daddy – in New York – Honey, Daddy is dead. He's not coming back," I finally manage. Katie's eyes fill with tears.

"Dead?" She sniffs. "Like Judy's dog?" Her friend Judy had a dog that died a few months ago and Judy is still trying to understand it. They're so young.

"Yes, Hun."

"But he still loves you," April says, coming to sit next to Will. She puts an arm around Katie as she pulls Will into her lap.

"I'll never see Daddy again?" she asks. A lump forms in my throat. How do I explain it, when I can't even comprehend it?

"You'll see him again," April says. "Things will remind you of your daddy and you'll know he's still here for you. I can still see him in each of you and in your mommy's smile. Every time I walk into the house I can still hear him complaining about the lock that needs fixed or making your mommy laugh." I look down at my hands. I can hear him too. Like this morning when I saw him in the diner. I saw him in the gazebo where we celebrated our engagement. I saw him on the porch swing where we sat after I told him I was pregnant. And every night, he'll be in my bed, his ghostly arms around me. And my heart aches, because I know I'll never really feel him again.

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A/N: Okay, so apparently Lane was not the best idea because I recieved so few reviews for the Lane chapter.

Just on a personal note I've had to go back to watching my DVDs after writing these chapters cuz I miss Luke so much. So odd.