Chapter 5

Some more angst, I'm afraid. This has gotten a little dark. What can I say; the story has a mind of its own.

Greg frowned as Sara slid into her chair. "You okay? You were in there for a while."

She smiled reassuringly. "I'm fine. Just had to adjust my makeup."

"Uh - huh. You aren't wearing any, but okay." He sighed. "Look, I saw Angela go in behind you. I can only imagine what she told you. You should know that if she was the last living woman left on earth, I would take an oath of celibacy on the spot."

Sara raised her eyebrow. "I believe you."

"What did she tell you?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Please."

Sara sighed. "Fine. Okay, she explained your... the history of your relationship with her."

"Do you want to hear my side of it?"

"If you want to tell me, although it really isn't any of my business."

"Yes, it is." He took her hand. "Let's take a walk on the beach."

They were several hundred feet away from the restaurant when he began to speak. "Alice had asked me to come for the summer to help out. I jumped at the chance. I was young, naive, nerdy, painfully shy around women - I'd never even had a steady girlfriend at that point. Angela was here with her boyfriend. When she started flirting with me I couldn't believe it. She was beautiful, confident - the type of woman who would never give me a second look, yet there she was, actually seeming interested. I developed a huge crush on her. With time I've realized it wasn't love, but at the time nobody could've convinced me of that. We got, um, involved. The boyfriend would go away for days at a time, and when he was gone... well, I'm sure you can figure it out. I thought, since she and I were lovers, I thought she would call off the wedding, break it off with the guy. We didn't talk about it, I just figured that was how it would go. " He sighed. "I will never forget the last time we were together. Afterward she turned to me, then matter-of-factly told me her wedding was the next day. I told her I loved her, asked her to call it off, asked her to be with me instead. She laughed at me, Sara, laughed and said it had been fun, but she didn't love me. Besides, she said, I wasn't the kind of guy she'd ever even consider getting serious with. She got married the next afternoon right on the beach behind us. I had to serve punch at the reception. It was pretty humiliating."

Sara squeezed his hand. "That must've been horrible for you."

"Yeah, you could say so. When I got home I, um, went into a pretty heavy depression after that, started doing a lot of drinking, not leaving the house except to go to work. One night I decided life wasn't worth the trouble, took some of the Valium I'd been on for years for anxiety, then slit my wrists. I woke up hours later covered in blood." He sighed. "It scared me enough to realize I was out of control. I didn't REALLY want to die, just wanted to stop hurting. I stopped drinking, got on Zoloft, and found a therapist I could trust. With her help I realized that I had really severe self-esteem problems, that the only positive I'd ever been able to find in myself focused on my intellectual achievements. With time I began to understand that I had a lot to offer a woman, that I really was a pretty decent guy. I dropped the nerds-r-us hair and clothes and started to develop my own style, started making myself break out of the shyness and approach ladies more. To my utter astonishment not all that many of them seemed horrified, although like everyone else I got turned down a lot. A year later I got the job in Vegas and left the past behind. I still have confidence issues, and anxiety problems, and inside I'm still a little shy, but I've realized that nearly everyone else has some of the same self-doubts I do, and I try to look past myself and help the people around me feel better about themselves. What happened made me understand the importance of not playing games with other peoples' feelings. I never misrepresent what I feel for a woman. Yes, I flirt, and I like to go out, but I'm not a user. I figure, if things had happened differently, I might not be able to say that."

"Thank you for telling me all this. You're such a positive, optimistic person now, I never realized you'd battled depression."

He smiled sadly. "Still do, at times. I have a hard time not getting down when I see all the horrible things people manage to do to each other."

Sara sighed. "That's the CSI syndrome, I'm afraid. There are cases you can't help taking to heart. I fight it myself, probably more often than is healthy."

"We can't help what we feel, Sara. You do need to have more of a life outside of work, though."

She chuckled. "Why is it when other people tell me that I want to strangle them, but when you say it I can only agree with you?"

He shrugged. "Maybe it's my charm." "Probably."