Another chapter! And lots of BryanRei 'ness.
It was Jin who answered the door to him the next day. He looked up with big, reproachful eyes. "We were worried." Rei looked down, crushingly ashamed. It always hurt him to do things like this to his family, but this time, this lie...it was the worst of all.
"I know. I'm sorry." He opened his arms and Jin moved into them, butting his chest with his head.
"Mum was crying even after you rang off." As Jin spoke, Mariah appeared from the kitchen, bags under her eyes, eyes which lit up as she saw Rei.
"Rei!" Jin had the sense to move out of the way as his mother flung herself at her husband, hugging him tightly and giving him another stomach-churning kiss. "I was so scared..."
"I know...I'm sorry...I meant I was sorry for using Niu as a go-between last night...I wasn't thinking..." Mariah took a deep breath and gave him one last squeeze.
"Go and say hi to Niu and then we're sitting down and we're talking, okay?"
With a heavy heart, Rei set off up the stairs. Niu's door was closed, as per the usual. He knocked. "Yeah?"
"Is it okay if I come in?" There was a clattering and the door was dragged open.
"Dad!" And suddenly his arms were full of angry but relieved daughter. "You really, really worried us!"
"I know, Niu. I'm sorry."
"Promise you won't do it again?"
"Do what again?" Niu let go of him, looking up into his eyes, furious.
"Sound like you're about to top yourself! Charlie at school tried to and he sent one of his friends a message just like that!" Rei sighed.
"I meant I was sorry for making you tell your mother instead of me sending the message straight to her... I didn't mean to scare you."
"You better not have!" Rei smiled apologetically and ruffled her hair.
"Sorry, Niu." He was rewarded with a kiss to his cheek and a smile. And then Mariah appeared beside them and dragged him off into their bedroom, closing the door behind them.
About a minute later he wanted out. "Rei, are you even listening?"
"...No. Not if I'm honest. I didn't sleep last night. I'm tired. And I don't want to talk about...that." Anything to avoid more lies.
"Rei-"
"I just don't want to discuss it, okay? It's...private." And a complete lie, he wanted to add.
"Even if you won't talk about it with me...will you go and see someone about it?"
"Yes. I'll go to the doctors' and see someone."
"I...I'm not angry with you, or anything. I don't blame you." Rei sighed and stared at the picture of the lemon. He would be willing to bet copious amounts of money that that came straight off an advice website, and that if he went onto their home computer the internet history would be full of things like noerection dot com or something equally as terrible. "I know. Good. I'm glad."
"You don't sound very glad."
"Well I am." Mariah sighed, shifting closer to him and stroking his cheek.
"I know it must be hard for you to admit it to me..."
"Hn." If only she was horrible, he thought, then maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty.
"You probably think I think you aren't a real man any more, but I don't think that at all. You're a man. You're -my- man, and I love you." Rei closed his eyes, sighing.
"I know. I know you do." A warm, soft body cuddled up next to his, and out of what was possibly instinct, possibly guilt and perhaps neither, he turned and laid an arm over it. And Mariah's hair tickled his nose once again.
Rei spent the rest of the day being a perfect husband and father. Which, in all honesty, he didn't mind. The only bad thing was that Mariah seemed to have heard that impotent men need a lot of kisses to make them feel better.
And it made his skin feel funny and made his stomach churn, and not in the nice way kissing Bryan made him feel like. So at seven that night, after Mariah had taken the opportunity to kiss him again, Rei decided he needed some air. "Mariah...I'm going for a walk. Just for some fresh air. Clear my head, you know."
"Okay, honey." Honey. She only called him that occasionally, but now it was in her every sentence to him. Trying to show how much she cared. But Rei knew how much she cared. And that was part of the problem.
He pulled on his jacket and left the house, one hand in his pocket, clasped around his mobile. It didn't take him long to end up at the park, taking in the greenery and the flowers. He made his way to the most remote part of the place, where the park bordered onto private land and the grass was overgrown and no-one ever went. And he called Bryan.
"Rei! Hey, are you okay?"
"Yeah. Mostly. She keeps kissing me though."
"Ahh. Trying to reinforce your manly pride? Reminding you that she finds you sexy?"
"I think it must be something like that..."
"Well you did tell her you're impotent you know."
"I know, smart alec. If I can, is it alright for me to come over l-"
"Yes. You know it is. It's always alright. Are you senile or something? I keep telling you to come whenever you want and you keep asking my permission. You don't need to, okay? Do you need it tattooed to your forehead?" Rei smiled, sighing.
"Bryan, I love you."
"I know you do. Because I'm wonderful." Bryan hmm-ed at the other end of the line. "Actually, if you come over tonight I have something I want to talk to you about."
"What?"
"About...before. My past. I want to tell you about it." Rei blinked.
"You want to tell...me?"
"I want you tell you. And if you can't make it, doesn't matter. It'll keep. Unlike your sanity." For the first time in what felt like forever, Rei laughed.
"Too right. See you later if I can, okay? Love you."
"You too."
Rei rang off, then beamed around at the scrubby trees and messy grass. Talking to or being with Bryan always seemed to provoke that reaction...
Then, unfortunately, it was time to head back home.
"Rei?" Mariah appeared at the top of the stairs as Rei opened the front door. "You're going out?"
"Martin just called. I think...and I really do think, I'm not just misinterpreting his text..." He added lightly. "I think he's planning something drastic. He keeps saying he needs to tell me something, and that he needs to do something, so..." Mariah smiled down at him, her eyes shining.
"You're always thinking about other people, Rei...say hi to him from me, okay?"
"Will do."
"So, you managed to come. Who am I this time? Your boss? A colleague with a broken leg?"
"You're a suicidal Martin." Rei laughed, hugging Bryan tightly.
"I'm still Martin? Fair enough..." A slight pause. "So are you feeling better?"
"Yeah. Niu was telling me about an outdoor art project she's doing, she didn't touch a videogame all day. And Jin stayed in as well." He shook his head. "You know, they're closer to knowing the truth than Mariah, really. All they know is that Dad has a problem. She thinks I'm impotent and embarrassed about it."
"Could be worse. You could have told her you wanted a sex change." Rei snorted then started to laugh. Everything felt better again now. Back in Bryan's arms, back listening to his voice, feeling his pulse, smelling his aftershave. And his skin...his pale, warm skin that made Rei feel so safe, so wanted...
"I keep thinking about waking up with you on a morning..." He began, sighing. "And I keep thinking...you know...well...is this how it's going to be forever? Will I have to make up lies to come and see you when I'm in my thirties? When I'm in my forties?"
"If you don't want Mariah and your kids to know, then yeah."
"But it isn't...it isn't -fair-! I want to be with you, I want to be able to go out with you when I want to, but I can't because of them but I don't want to hurt them so I can't -tell- them..." Bryan made no attempt to reply, only held Rei a little tighter. "And I hate lying to them all the time...most of what I -say- to them all is a lie..."
"I know. Like I said...maybe this is getting to the point where you need to tell them. But it's up to you, Rei." A short silence. "Come with me a second. I want to show you something."
Rei let Bryan take him by the hand and lead him over to the study door. The first time he'd made to go in there, Bryan had stopped him with a strange look on his face. "There's...personal stuff in there." He'd said. And Rei had never inquired any further, nor had he ever gone and looked inside while Bryan wasn't watching.
"It's nothing...dangerous, and it's nothing weird. In case you were wondering. It's just...things from ages ago." The Russian said hesitantly. "Because I know this whole situation is coming to a head and if you do decide to tell them and you do decide to...be open with them and come and live with me or anything...I want you to know exactly who it is you'll be living with.
"I've done time, Rei...I've done a lot of terrible things..." Bryan chewed his lip, then pushed open the study door. "It's easier if I show you."
Rei's first impression of the study was one of messy creativity. A desk, with a typewriter and computer and piles and piles of paper took up most of one wall, and all sorts of trinkets and ornaments were set out on the windowsill above it. Then there were filing cabinets along the next wall, and more piles of paper, and then...
Bryan shut the door behind them and Rei turned, finally looking at the wall opposite the desk. And it was covered in pictures...photos...leaflets and receipts... "It's...my timeline, if you like. I was in and out of families so much I collected keepsakes and photos just to remind me who they were and what it was like..." He smiled, walking over to the far left of the line of things stuck to the wall. "That was me when I was eleven." The Russian began, pointing at a picture of a much younger looking version of himself with a large dog at his heel. "That was when I was with my first foster family. They weren't so bad, really. But then there was...trouble with my foster mother's health and they couldn't look after me any more. So I got moved on." He pointed to another picture, one of the young him looking moody and angry. "Then the next ones...well they tried to be kind at first, but they didn't know anything about children. They were too strict, and then to soft. I started to hate them, and then I got into...a bad crowd. That crowd, actually."
Another photo, this time of five boys all about the same age- Bryan, a taller boy with shocking red hair, an even taller one with fair hair and a serious face, and a shorter boy with a large nose. And loitering slightly away from the rest of them, a boy with two-tone hair and triangles painted on his face...
"If you're bored and you don't want to hear the rest, just say..."
"No...I want to hear the rest..." Rei assured.
"Well, I was with that foster family for a while, but while I was with them I was getting into shady things. Vandalism, shoplifting...stuff like that. And when they found out, my foster family just shipped me straight out." A sigh, and the barest hint of a shudder. "And then they decided I needed some hard discipline, so I got a foster mother who screamed at me all day about every little fault she could find and a foster father who liked nothing better than to beat me until I bled."
Rei gasped, reaching for Bryan's hand and grabbing it. "I was really...glossing over a lot when I was talking to you the other night. By that time I was about thirteen, and I was even worse of a criminal. Me and that lot-" He pointed back at the photo of him and his friends. "Got into drugs, drink, mugging...anything to get back at the system, to get one over on all the adults. Me and Tala and Ian were all in care, and Kai and Spencer came from families where no-one cared about them and what they got up to.
"But like the last time, people found out. People grassed me up. But they didn't take me away at first, so I ended up in hospital. My foster father..." Bryan tailed off, looking uneasy.
"What did he do?"
"He stabbed me. Three times. There's the band- you know, the one they always give you in hospitals?"
"Bryan..." Rei couldn't find any words to say so he grabbed Bryan around the waist, hugging him as hard as he could.
"You might want to save the hugs for the bits that still make me cry..." The Russian whispered into his ear. Rei let go, looking up sadly.
"Bryan...I..."
"Hey, the scars faded. I got moved onto a different family. They were better. They were lovely, actually." He pointed to a picture of himself with a short blonde woman. They were both grinning, evidently happy. "But I screwed it up. I was still hanging about with the same people, and I kept getting into trouble...they were nice about it at first. They understood where I'd come from, and they knew what had happened to me...but I couldn't change. I was too weak. So they gave up on me."
At that, Rei could clearly see the tears in Bryan's eyes. "They took me out to a nice restaurant and explained to me that they did love me, but they couldn't look after me any more." He pointed. "There's the menu." His voice wobbled. "And inside I felt so empty...I suppose that was when I really started to go off it. I was in a children's home, I was fourteen, and even the people who said they loved me didn't want me. I went so crazy even Tala- and he was always the worst of us- stopped going around with me. I was nasty. I was violent. I committed arson, I burgled people, and then they found me another home."
Rei could tell that this was something Bryan had doubts about sharing, so he took hold of the Russian's hand, squeezing gently. Bryan sighed and closed his eyes for a second before continuing. "They...the next lot of foster parents, I mean...they gave permission for me to be involved in clinical trials. On the sly. So they got money and no-one knew about it. I was messed up. I was always ill, always tired, always being sick, I was depressed and suicidal...all because of the drugs they were giving me. And that went on for, oh, half a year? And I couldn't stand it any more.
"So that was when I pretended to be schizophrenic. I was desperate. I would have done anything to get away from them. I went into school- as a one-off thing, I never usually did- and started showing off as many schizophrenic symptoms as I could think of. Pretending I could hear voices, yelling that 'they' were trying to kill me...so they sectioned me, and they interviewed me and it all came out." Bryan stopped short, and then opened his arms, asking Rei for comfort. The Chinese obliged, and Bryan whispered the rest into his ear. "But only that I was faking it. I couldn't tell them about my foster parents...I was too afraid. They said that that along with the other things I'd done was the last straw, and..." A pause. "I...got put into a Youth Offender's Institution. For a year. And I -hated- it. And that was when I was at my worst. When I got out of there. I hated everyone and everything, and all I wanted was for people to hurt like I hurt. I started fights deliberately. I beat people up who I didn't even -know-...who'd never done anything..."
Bryan let go of Rei, walking along the timeline a little way until he came to a newspaper clipping. "'Luke Rabinsky. Loved son of Katya and Daniel.' 'Rabinsky, Luke. Killed before his time. Forever missed.'"
"Bryan..."
"I'd just turned seventeen, Rei. Who knows, maybe while you were getting Mariah pregnant I was stabbing this guy in a back alley?"
"Oh Bryan..." The Russian turned to face him, eyes glittering.
"They never caught me. I didn't get sent down again like I should have. But I didn't need anyone else to punish me. I was punishing myself enough. I cut myself and I maimed myself and I starved myself. They found me one day in a squat, bleeding half to death and dying from lack of food and drink. They had to take pictures for evidence because they thought at first someone had tried to murder me. They gave me one when I asked. But I keep it hidden." He continued, pointing to a sheet of tissue paper. "I only look at it when I really need to remind myself of how lucky I am now."
Rei reached out a hand to the flimsy purple paper, looking to Bryan for permission. "Look if you want. I don't...mind. Not if it's you." Rei pulled up the paper and then wished he hadn't. It was a very good photograph, but in that instance it made it all the worse. Someone, barely recognizable as Bryan, with long matted hair and tightly closed eyes was lying on a wooden floor. He was almost naked and covered in blood and cuts. His ribs were standing out so far it made Rei wince to see them. He was so thin, and looked so weak and defenceless...
"They patched me up and then...I was in therapy. For a long, long time. Three years, like I said before." Bryan seemed to cheer up now he'd reached that part of the story. "So when I was twenty-one, I moved. To here. I was in a smaller flat then, and I was just starting out as a writer..." He walked on, smiling now. "My first published poem." He pointed, looking proud. "First paycheck. A lot of firsts, actually. First novel published. First public speaking thing. And then there's now..."
Now they were at the end of the timeline, and Rei was shocked to find a picture of himself. He was so busy staring that he didn't notice Bryan moving away from him, retreating to the other side of the study. "So now you know about me...you know what I was."
"Is that why you write..."
"Depressing things? No, I do that because I'm good at it. Sometimes I make -myself- cry when I'm writing, I'm that good." Rei looked at the barely-visible floor and then up into Bryan's eyes.
"Thank you for showing me."
There was a second in which their eyes met, and then they were together, hands seeking and lips locked. "Rei, I love you..." Bryan managed to pant, holding Rei back for a second. The Chinese nodded, eyes blazing up at him.
"I love you too." And they were back as one again, kissing each other in a desperate, passionate frenzy.
"Rei...I want you to wake up beside me in the morning..." The Russian whispered.
"I want that too..." The Chinese took a deep breath, feeling his cheeks burn and his heart race. "But before that I want you to fuck me."
Next chapter: Mariah does some slapping, Rei gets angry, and Bryan is not in.
R&R please!