Chapter title: Struggle
Chapter summary: Casey identifies her parents' bodies and receives a touching offer from the squad.
Pairing: They're still just friends.
Publish date: Nov. 10, 2005
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own anyone.

Note: So sorry for the delay. I had a really difficult time writing this, and I'm still not happy with it. I must have rewritten it about 85 million times and I think this is the best one. So if you don't like it, just remember there were 84,999,999 versions worse than this. ;)

SVU Lover4ever – wow, what a compliment! Thank you so much!

Olivia was awakened at 5:30am, merely three hours after she went to bed. She cursed under her breath and turned off the alarm. Still half-asleep, she felt around her bedside table for her cell phone and on auto-pilot, dialed Cragen's office. She knew he wouldn't be there yet, but she needed to call him before she forgot and fell back asleep. "Don, its Liv. Casey showed up last night and, well, her parents died in a car accident. I'm going to take the day off with her and just make sure she's okay. If this is a problem give me a call." Then she searched through her phone list to call the DA's office. "Hi, this is Detective Olivia Benson calling on behalf of ADA Casey Novak. Her parents passed away and she's going to take today off. If you need to get a hold of her, try her cell phone, or you can call me on mine." Olivia left her number before hanging up, turned her phone off, and nestled back under the covers. She managed another three hours of sleep before getting up. Casey was still asleep and Olivia thought it best not to disturb her. She decided to make breakfast, a meal she hadn't made herself since at least high school. She never had time for anything besides a cereal bar or a donut in the mornings. Even though she never made breakfast, she (thankfully) had enough things in her kitchen to make pancakes. She followed the directions on the box meticulously and once the batter was made she went into the living room to wake Casey.

"Casey, wake up," she said, shaking the ADA's shoulder lightly. Casey fought against sleep for a few moments before her eyes fluttered open. Olivia could tell she was a little disoriented, but quickly got her bearings. "Hey."

"Hey." She sat up and brought her knees to her chest, making room for Olivia to sit down.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"Really."

"I've been better."

"I'm sorry I didn't wake you up. You fell asleep so fast last night I thought you should just take it easy."

"It's 9:30. I need to go to work. They're expecting me to be there." Casey started to get up but Olivia gently pushed her back down.

"I called in for you today. I left a message saying why you wouldn't be going in."

"That's not your decision to make, Olivia," Casey said, anger playing on the edge of her voice.

"Hey, no need to get angry."

Casey sighed. "I'm sorry, I just –"

"Casey, you don't have to explain. Besides, I think they'll understand."

"I just – I don't want to sit around moping all day. I'd feel better if I had something to do."

"Well, I talked to Warner this morning and she's going to call when she's done so you can ID your parents." Olivia knew this wasn't the type of thing Casey was talking about but it had to get done.

"…yeah."

"And you have a funeral to plan, and I'm sure you have to meet with a lawyer to discuss the will."

"Ha, like they'd leave me anything," she said bitterly. "And I'm sure I'd screw up the funeral. You know, keep them disappointed in me even in the afterlife."

"Casey, stop it."

"It's true!" she said fiercely. She folded her arms in front of her defiantly, but looked out the window so Olivia wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. Outside the skies were gray and a light snow was falling. The gloomy day matched Casey's mood perfectly and she forced down the wave of misery welling in her heart. All she wanted to do was cry and cry, but she knew that wasn't practical and wouldn't change anything, so she blinked back her tears.

Olivia put her hand on her friend's knee. "Casey, take as much time as you need to get through this. Nobody is going to hold it against you if you take some time off." After a few seconds Casey nodded, still avoiding her gaze."Come to the kitchen. I made pancakes. Or tried to. I haven't made breakfast in years so they may not taste too good."

Casey followed Olivia into the kitchen, wrapped up in the blankets. "Good lord, Olivia, your apartment is freezing!"

"I know, I'm sorry. I like to be a little cold."

"But it's snowing outside."

"I'll turn up the heat. Here you go," she said, sliding a few odd-looking flat things onto the plate. "Eat up."

Casey tried to hide a smile. "Um, Olivia, are you sure these are pancakes?"

"Yes!"

"Okay…" she took a bite and quickly washed it down with a glass of milk.

"Come on, they can't be that bad, can they?" Olivia tried the pancake herself and gracefully spit it into the kitchen sink. "Yes, they can. I'm sorry, Casey. Those were terrible. I don't know what I did wrong." She looked at the instructions and smacked her head. "Oil would probably have been a good thing to add, right?"

Casey laughed. "It's okay; it's the thought that counts. I'm not very hungry anyway."

"Well, I have some day- or two-old donuts and some cereal bars if you want anything."

"Thanks, I'm fine for now. Um, Liv? Could we go to my apartment so I could shower and change?"

"Of course, just let me take one myself."

Thirty minutes later they were making their way up to the apartment. Casey hesitated putting the key in the lock. She wasn't sure why she didn't want to enter her apartment. It wasn't like her parents had ever been in it before. She took a deep breath and went inside. The sensations she felt the night before came rushing back to her and she stumbled back, tripping over Olivia and nearly falling. Olivia and her reflexes prevented that from happening.

"You okay?" Olivia asked, concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to get out of here." Casey went to her room to get her clothes then headed for the bathroom.

Olivia walked around the living room and looked at pictures, noticing there were only a few displayed. She looked at the picture that was face down on the end table. It was before Jake died, probably close to the accident. Everyone looked happy. Casey and her brother both had that deep red hair and green eyes and they definitely took after their mother. She wondered what happened that caused them to treat Casey the way they did. They certainly looked like your typical, all-American family in that picture. She shook her head and set the picture back down, upright.

Casey had reached the point where she felt numb to everything. She just wanted it to be a month from now so she wouldn't feel this raw, internal pain. She hated feeling so vulnerable. She let the water run over her but she barely felt it. She couldn't even bring herself to cry. She got dressed and then examined her face in the mirror, noting for the first time the black bags under her eyes. "I look like shit," she muttered to herself. As she stared at her reflection, she noticed she was looking more and more like her mother, and she hated that. She hated that she had once been a part of somebody who had severely mistreated her, who clearly did not love her. She had thought her parents' passing would bring her relief, but instead it brought on a wave of insecurity and abandonment. Casey closed her eyes clutched the sink, and when she opened them again she could see more of her mother in the reflection than herself. Without thinking, she picked up the candle she kept on her toilet and hurled it at the mirror, the cracking sound oddly satisfying.

Olivia knocked on the door, snapping Casey out of her reverie. "Everything okay in here?"

"Yeah. I kind of broke my mirror."

"I can see that. Any reason why?"

"I saw too much of my mom in my reflection. Stupid, I know, but I kind of feel better now." Casey put the intact candle back on the toilet. "Olivia? I don't mean to impose, and you can say no and I'll completely understand. But could I stay with you for a couple of days? I just don't want to stay here, and I really don't want to be alone."

"Of course. Stay as long as you need. Get your things together; Warner called while you were in the shower and she's ready for you."

Casey froze. She had seen people identify the bodies of their loved ones but never thought she'd have to do it herself. She moved in a daze, stuffing clothes into a duffel bag. Finally, she was ready. Well, ready to leave the apartment. She wasn't sure she was ready to identify her parents.

Elliot was waiting outside the viewing room door, leaning against the wall. He straightened when he saw the two women approach. Casey was confused yet touched that he was there and was surprised when he pulled her into a hug. She barely knew Elliot – he was just her co-worker. Until today. Today he stepped over the line to become a friend. His embrace was so strong and reassuring she didn't ever want to let go.

"Why are you here?" she asked. It was an honest question, not an accusation.

He simply answered "why wouldn't I be?" and held open the door. Casey realized that during the past few months she hadn't necessarily given her co-workers a fair chance. She had been so busy trying to fit in and make a name for herself, she had somehow missed the signs that these people cared about her and considered her their friend.

Casey walked up to the window. The blinds were drawn on the other side. She could see a soft blue glow emanating through the cracks in the slats. She wrapped her arms around herself, squeezing the inside of her arms in order to stay calm. She nodded at Olivia, who knocked on the glass and stepped back, next to her partner. The blinds were pulled up and there were two gurneys in front of the window, the outlines of bodies just visible under the covering cloth. Suddenly, Casey couldn't do it. She didn't want to see the waxy faces of her parents when the cloth was lifted. She didn't want to know it was them. Moreover, she didn't want them to be dead. Even though she had these terrible memories constantly floating around in her head, she loved her parents. She wanted them back.

She felt herself starting to hyperventilate and applied more pressure to her arm. When that didn't work she used her fingernails and felt an odd sense of comfort when she felt blood. Warner stepped back from the window and stood behind the first body, gently lifting the cloth and exposing the face. Her father. Casey choked back the sob that was bubbling in her throat and covered her mouth with one hand. Warner covered the face back up and moved to the second body. Her mother. A tiny sob escaped as her legs turned to jelly. Elliot was there in a heartbeat, catching her at the waist before she fell and securing her into a warm embrace. She felt his hand on the back of her head, holding it against his shoulder. She felt numb, and even though she wasn't crying, he rocked her gently. After a minute or two, he pushed her back, holding onto her arms.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Is there anything you need? Help with the funeral?"

"Oh god. The funeral," Casey sighed, not wanting to face the daunting task ahead of her. She didn't think she had the strength to do it. Right now she was in her own zone; a state of shock. Things weren't registering and everything seemed to be floating by her. She barely felt Elliot's encouraging squeeze or hear him tell Olivia to meet him in the squad room in an hour.

As requested, Olivia and Casey arrived in the squad room an hour later. Casey hadn't felt this awkward in there since her first week. She felt like she was in the spotlight, that she had "my parents abused me and now they're dead" stamped on her forehead, the way people stared at her as she walked by. She quickened her pace and went through the door Cragen held open and into the questioning room. Her gang, save Munch, was in there, leaning against the walls. Nobody was sitting in the chairs so she sat on the table. A few seconds later Munch came in, and Cragen closed the door and shut the blinds. She started to feel uncomfortable, like she was some science experiment being scrutinized. She waited expectantly for someone to speak. Right now all she wanted to do was go back to Olivia's, curl up on her couch with a bottle of vodka, and wallow. She wasn't up for a chit-chat with her co-workers.

Cragen didn't waste any time. "Casey, we know your parents' death has come as a shock and it was completely unexpected. And we know you can't possibly take on planning the funeral by yourself. That's why we're going to do it for you. Just let us know the church, the burial site, and anything specific like music or Bible verses or whatnot you want included, and leave the rest to us."

"Wha-what?" Casey asked in disbelief.

"You've done so much for us, worked so hard, the least we can do is plan the funeral."

"But, you've worked hard for me too. I don't deserve this, I –"

Munch sat down next to her on the table and looked at her over his glasses. "Don't argue Casey. You'll lose." He nudged her gently with his elbow. "We care about you and want to do something for you during this time."

Casey's eyes filled with tears of gratitude. "Thanks you guys. This means so much to me. I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything." Munch patted her leg, hopped off the table, and left, followed closely by Cragen and Fin, who gently punched her shoulder, his own version of a comforting touch. After the door closed Elliot took Munch's spot on the table and Olivia stood next to him, her arm casually resting on his shoulder.

"I hope you aren't mad," Olivia began.

"Mad? I'm more grateful than you can possibly imagine. I was terrified about planning it. You guys – thank you. I can't think of anything else to say besides thank you." She paused. "I'll get you guys the money. Or something. I don't know how it all works. I know my parents had some sort of fund set up specifically for their funeral. I'm assuming I'll find out about it when I meet with the lawyer about the will," she said, looking at her watch. "Which is in an hour. I'm going to head over there."

"Do you want any company?" Olivia asked.

"No, I'll be fine. But thank you."

"I can drive you over there if you'd like." Elliot offered.

"No. I need to just walk around outside. Olivia, will you be at your apartment later?"

"Call my cell when you're done. I'll meet you for dinner then we can go back to my place."

Casey nodded, and put on her coat. On impulse, she reached for her briefcase. She withdrew her hand and gave an embarrassed laugh. It was incredibly strange leaving the squad room without it.

The detectives watched her leave. "She's holding herself together pretty well," Elliot noted.

"I'm a little worried about her, El. She told me all these things last night, these terrible things her parents did and said to her. And she said that she used to be self-destructive. I'm afraid she might revert back to that."

"I don't know, Liv. She seems to be coping fine right now."

"Elliot, surely you see past that. That's just it. She's not coping. Sure, she broke down last night but it wasn't about her parents dying. It was about what they did to her. I'm just worried about her."

"Well, she's staying with you for a few days, right? Just keep an eye on her. Casey is a strong woman and she isn't irrational; she isn't going to harm herself because her parents died."

"I hope you're right."

A few hours later Olivia met up with Casey, who looked rather shaken after her meeting with the lawyer.

"How'd it go?"

"Okay, I guess. I got half of everything. The rest went to brain cancer research. At some point I'm going to have to go sort through all their things. I really don't want to do that." Casey sighed. "This is all so surreal. I feel like I'm in a dream and watching everything that's going on and I keep expecting to wake up. There's so much to do, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed."

"That's why we're stepping in to help."

"I know, and I thank you in all the languages in the world."

"So where do you want to eat tonight?"

"Honestly, Olivia, I'm not in the mood to go out and eat. Let's just get a sandwich or Chinese or something."

Thirty minutes later they were back in Olivia's apartment. Casey sat on the couch in her pajamas, swishing the wine around in her glass, and staring fixedly at a spot on the coffee table.

"Careful, my table might grow fangs and bite you," Olivia said, joining her friend on the couch. Casey snapped out of her reverie and took her plate from Olivia.

"Oh you witty one, you," Casey mumbled through her sandwich. They ate in silence. "I can't believe it's barely been a day. You know, two days ago, they were alive. I wish I could go back and change it somehow. But I know no matter how hard I wish, no matter how much I think about it, there's nothing I can do."

"Nothing is going to come out of regret."

"I know. I shouldn't let it bother me, but I can't help it." Casey sighed. "So, the funeral…"

"Elliot got the church for three on Sunday, with a reception there before the burial. He said to call the church about anything specific you want included in the service. Cragen is dealing with the catering for the reception. Fin found a beautiful flower arrangement and Munch was looking at caskets as I left."

"I want a really beautiful song played, but I'm afraid anything I pick out will be dumb. Or that they won't like it. I don't know what songs work in a funeral. If you have any ideas, surprise me. If not, I'll just tell the church to do what they want."

"Actually, I do have a song. They played it at my friend's funeral a few years ago. I'll call Elliot and he can notify the church." Olivia studied Casey for a few moments before going into the kitchen to call Elliot.