Following in Your Footsteps
By Halcyon Clouds (A.K.A. Sal)
Intro: (Last time on Following: Akira, upon discovering the truth behind the accident, turns away from Hikaru.)
Due to the lack of sleep I feel very inclined to not write, but I can't do that.
This is a boring chapter, at least I think so. Just layer upon layer upon layer of angsty thoughts. But there is some plot development…and it's mainly focused on one new character this time.
There has been some confusion. This is the chapter BEFORE the chapter called "Following in your footsteps". Now it's in the right order. The story is COMPLETE.
Disclaimer: I'm out of creative things to say. I don't own Hikago.
Chapter 4 -- A piece of your mind?
A woman with dark hair tied into a bun set a pan on the stove and poured in a little oil. From her slick actions one could tell she was a skilled housewife, but no one could tell she had a troubled mind of her own. For a mother's troubles were always overlooked.
Her only remaining son was not back from the "arcade". For the past 8 years he had been a reclusive child, often locking himself up in his room and reluctant to show his face to the family, which mainly consisted only of him and her. Her husband was always away on business trips, he never got to bond well with his son before leaving for weeks on end. Mother's instinct told her it was not a healthy family relationship, Hikaru, her son, shirked often from her, avoiding eye contact and heart-to-heart talks. She knew what was bothering him, for whole 8 years she knew it tortured him, but there was nothing she could do. She had long since gotten over the incident, as an adult, as a guardian, she could not show weakness to the weak, and to the one she must protect.
Speaking of which, he was still not back. The mother was getting anxious… with a deft dig with the cooking paddle, she made up her mind to seriously talk to him at the dinner table tonight.
Touya…you…everyone…they would not forgive me…
Burdened with his thoughts, Hikaru wandered aimlessly for a while on the streets, the afternoon was getting late, yet he still could not bring himself out of his own destructive thoughts. How he wished for redemption, for someone who would understand him… But people like him, who took away a life of such brilliance, was not worthy of such salvation. The look on Akira's face still stung like a slap across the face, that look embodied the pain, everything and more than what Hikaru could condemn himself for.
Am I not allowed even a sliver of salvation?
He found himself heading towards the only place where he could reflect on himself in peace and quiet. He stood at the doorway to his home in the slightly arching sun of late afternoon. Bracing himself for the lecture that was about to be launched, Hikaru pushed open the door and walked in.
To his utter surprise, his mother said nothing as he quietly toed through the doorway to the kitchen, she could usually tell when he was back and trying to sneak his way upstairs, usually giving him heck for coming back late, not calling and such.
"Hikaru, it's dinnertime, I want you to stay at the table today."
It's worse than I thought. The brief moment of relief was shattered.
"What is it?" Hikaru replied irately, turning towards his mother.
"I think we need to talk…you've been so locked away for the past years, I feel like I don't even know my own son anymore." The housewife took a hot pot from the stove and placed it onto a mat on the dinner table. "Why don't you sit down, we never had a good mother-to-son talk…"
"I'm not hungry, and I don't feel like talking." Hikaru mumbled, turning away.
"Hikaru…" suddenly his mother's voice sounded extremely weary and small. He didn't turn around to face her, nor did he move to go up to his room.
"Why is it still troubling you, Hikaru?" The weary woman got straight to her point. "I've already accepted that which has happened, you shouldn't-"
"No, you don't understand." The young boy cut her off. "I really don't want to talk about this… you know I don't want to."
"But it's not your fault! How many times must I tell you, why will you not forgive yourself?" The mother shouted out of desperation, "If it was Sai, he would have forgiven you a long time ago… Hikaru, you are still my son and I love you, I don't want to lose another family member. Please, just, let the past go and live for the future…"
"I can't! How can I let it go? Me being young and stupid… it's… Sai was your favourite, I know that! Why can't you leave me alone? I never asked for you to care about me…" Hikaru blurted out, back still on his mother, but tears of frustration flowed down his face. He didn't deserve anything like this, he will not allow himself to indulge in the pity of others… Biting his lower lip, he ran up the stairs and slammed the door to his room behind him.
Below, at the dining table, a mother leaned her forehead on a hand. In the stove, the ramen emitted a delicious waft that no one had the mind to enjoy.
The green-haired young Go player also had a myriad of thoughts on his mind. He did not understand why he walked away from Shindo Hikaru, only knowing that something in his heart twitched at the thought of that unruly hypocrite. It was not his hypocrisy that prompted him into such a move… he understood the reason behind Sai's death, the person to be his rival was the one at fault. Yet Akira cannot explain why he acted so cruelly. The last look he gave Hikaru was one of hatred, blame, and disappointment. The lingering image of Hikaru was one of pain, regret, and beseeching.
When he got home, the Meijin was not around. Only his mother, she smiled at him, set down a cup of green tea and inquired about his match.
"I won." Akira replied curtly and sipped his tea.
"Just as I expected." Akiko gave a small shake of the head as she sat herself down at the table with her own drink.
"Say, Akira-san, you've grown up so much. So full of the seriousness your father possess in copious amounts." She chuckled softly, "not my little boy anymore."
Akira was somehow embarrassed, or it was the hot tea that was making him feel a bit warm.
"You know, you can still share your problems with okaasan. Anything at all. Your father was never good at those kind of talk."
This was true, since his father was never very concerned about anything other than Go.
"Well." Akira fidgeted a bit uneasily. "It's a bit of a general question… but should anyone ever condemn a person for causing the death of another?"
"I never knew you pondered these things." Akiko sighed at the young and reserved teen. "If you want me to give an opinion on that, I'd ask if the cause was intentional or not."
"What if it wasn't?" Akira thought, surely, Shindo Hikaru wouldn't have meant for it to happen.
"I guess, no."
His mother's answer startled him a little. Akira looked up from his tea.
"If it was an accident, no one can be blamed. It's only fate that it should happen."
"Why is that? Isn't the person who caused the accident at fault?"
"Maybe," The short-haired woman swirled and drank the last of her tea, "But what's happened has already happened, and nothing can turn back time. There is always a cause, a reason, and it's always better to forgive." With these last words, she patted her son on the back, stood up and went into the kitchen.
Akira sat very still as his mother's words seeped into him.
It's better to forgive… Perhaps I was a little unfair and rash at my judgement back there. If there is a reason for forgiveness, I don't see why not...
It was 2:30 am, Hikaru lay wide awake on the mattress.
He had been awake ever since he came home from the Ki-in. In all this time, he thought about nothing in particular, yet he cannot have peach in his mind. He always felt, for 8 years, that he must wait for something, must never stop serving the life sentence he put on himself. Every word, every look, even from his parents, he could not meet their eyes out of fear, fear of rejection. Yet rejection is what he seeks, what he feels he truly deserves.
Hikaru can no longer stand to lie there thinking about nothing. There was only one place where he could feel the presence of Sai, where he would feel both happiness and sadness at the same time.
He silently slipped out from his room, and walked to the far end of the corridor.
The closed door.
Hikaru turned the knob soundlessly, and entered the room.
It was an empty room, almost desolate except for the goban in the middle of the room, and 2 tubs of stones. The transparent curtains fluttered in the night breeze, and an ethereal blue glow filled the room. In an almost trance-like state. Hikaru shuffled towards the Goban and sat down in front of it. Stretching out a hand, he allow himself to feel the hard cool wood of the board through a thin layer of dust. The etchings were in some places worn flat, and he remembered well the days he and Sai used to spend hours sitting together, contemplating over this very same wooden table, and laughing, and talking…
And feel the tears trickle down his face.
Akira rang the doorbell, he knitted his fingers together nervously, not know what to expect and what to say as he heard footsteps within the house.
A middle-aged woman answered the door, someone he took to be Shindo's mother.
"Hello, I am looking for Shindo Hikaru, is he in?" Akira inquired politely.
"Hikaru went out this morning," The woman replied a little wearily, "he hasn't been back since, and I don't know where he is…would you like to come in for a while?"
"Sorry for intruding." Akira apologised as he stepped into the house.
"Don't worry about it." Hikaru's mother slipped into the kitchen, "Would you care for some tea?"
"That would be wonderful." Akira agreed, thinking how similar their mothers are in nature. Hikaru's mother set down a cup for him and invited him to sit on the sofa.
"May I ask what business you have with Hikaru?" The housewife questioned, although she was formal with him, her tone does not conceal her concern about Hikaru.
"I came to…" Akira wondered how he should express this to another one of Sai's family members.
"Shindo had informed me himself that…he was to blame for Shindo Sai's death. To tell the truth, I am very concerned about Shindo Sai…so I came to find out more about this matter. I do not think Shindo is to blame for this, yet… I am not here to insult or bother but if this is sensitive…" Akira decided to go straight to the point, but found himself at a loss for words.
"I wouldn't dream that you came to bother us," Hikaru's mother answered the teen, easing his apparent uncomfort. "But Hikaru… that boy has shut his heart away for many years. He will not even open up to me."
"What exactly happened, Shindo-san?"
The brown-haired woman gave Akira a weak smile. "I wouldn't normally talk about it, but seeing that you genuinely care…"
"Hikaru was always close to Sai, ever since he was a toddler, he'd be following Sai wherever he went. I didn't know much about Go, except that Sai was the star of our family, he was earning his own wages and prestige. Because of his games, Sai must always go far away, just like my husband. As Hikaru grew older, Sai became busier, and the time he spent at home became scarce. Hikaru soon noticed, and wouldn't let Sai leave once he comes home. That boy really did love and look up to his brother…"
Akira sat quietly hearing the story, he felt a little sorry for the brothers, yet he himself could not tell which was more important to himself, Go or family.
"Then one day, when I was out, Sai came back home, he apparently promised to Hikaru he'd stay or something like that. Hikaru was all ecstatic when I arrived home. But I picked up a letter the day before, apparently it was urgent, and Sai had to take back his promise. Hikaru was young and rash, he was devastated. If you lie to a young child, they would become devastated, and do things we never expect… Hikaru ran away, Sai chased after him……and…half an hour later, I got a phone call…" The mother clutched a hand to her mouth, unable to speak any more.
"Are you alright, Shindo-san?" Akira asked, alarmed.
"Yes, yes. I'm quite alright, I thought I've already gotten over this, ha, ha." Hikaru's mother laughed nervously, but it was full of bitterness. "If I don't become strong for Hikaru, no one will. But that boy keeps on blaming himself. He sealed away his desire to be loved… but all I want him to know is that I care for him, because he is my son too… I do not, and never blamed him for Sai's death."
Akira was a little shocked, but also moved from this. The benevolence of this woman's thoughts washed over him like an antidote, in his heart, he felt like he also wanted Shindo to understand, to let go of his long-held troubles. He now comprehended his mother's words, if there is a cause, there is a reason to forgive.
"I respect your love for them, Shindo-san." Akira said in an attempt to comfort Hikaru's mother. "I think I need to talk to Shindo myself, he needs to listen to some sense, he needs to know that you care for him."
Wiping away a tear, the mother smiled, with a little less melancholy. "You're an understanding child, er…"
"Touya Akira."
"Akira-kun," She repeated, "well, there is one place where you can look for Hikaru, if you go out the house, around the back, not far, there is a small playground. He would always go there when he needs to be alone."
"Thank you Shindo-san." Akira stood up, bowed, and promptly headed for the door.
"No, thank you for listening, I appreciate your sincerity, Akira-kun." The housewife stood at the door and saw the green-haired youth off.
After some searching, Akira found the park. It was actually a quaint little playground, in the late afternoon, the children have all gone home. He scanned the slide, playhouse, sandbox. Then his eyes rested on a figure sitting motionless on a swing at the far corner of the playground. It was Shindo Hikaru.
Gathering his thoughts, Akira walked towards the boy on the swing.
A/N: Well this is the "missing" chapter that I said I'd write someday. If you read it hopefully it will fill you in on how the minds of people work in this fic, since it's so different from the original series. Hope you enjoyed the presence of this fic in the Hikago section. This is really the end, no more input from me on this story. Thank you and see you in other stories if I'm not lazy Hope you like Ragnarok Online/Digimon related fics too.
On a side note (things about to be said is not suitable for children), I by chance came across some pornographic material featuring Hikaru and Akira's moms with huge jugs, disturbing, I must say… . Please pretend I didn't just type that, I needed to get it out of my system.
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Sal