Im sorry...and the door closed.
How did things get to where they are now? there were no warnings, no hints, nothing.
why do people make mistakes like that? even though they know what the risk is, they know that one small mistake can change your life completely.
And why, just why did those mistakes have to happen to me? why me...
"Hermione..." she told me on the phone, having trouble saying what she wanted to say "I need to talk with you...this is not going to be easy, can I... come over?" I didnt know what to think, what can she possibly need to tell me with that kind of tone...a guilty tone? I was sitting on the couch, just sitting, not even thinking..just sitting, waiting for her to arrive, until I finally heard the doorbell ring, I stood up and went to the door, not sure what to expect, I opened the door, saw her face...and felt sick all of a sudden..
How could I have been so stupid? how could I have let her play me this way? she said it only happened one time, ha!...that doesnt matter, she doesnt understand that it doesnt make it any better...
She let herself sit on the couch, and so I sat in front of her on the other couch facing her, I looked at her expecting her to say something, I just couldnt understand why she was here...why she was here..acting this way.
She swallowed slowly and then finally spoke "I...needed to come here because theres something I have to tell you" she wasnt looking at me, she was looking at her hands, her voice sounding sorry.
It was like something stroke me at that moment...I felt anxious to know why she was here..all these thoughts suddenly coming to my head, all these ideas of why could she possibly come to my house at this time, look at me at that way, talk to me like this...
"Ane, why are you here?" I asked her, pushing her to talk, I knew she could hear the anxiety in my voice because she soon lifted her head to look at me, she looked so guilty...guilty? she started into my eyes, trying to say something, but she just couldnt...she couldnt even open her mouth, she was fighting with herself.
I knew something was wrong...so wrong...she saw that in me, she knew I knew...a tear escaped her eye and was slowly falling down her cheek.
I shook my head to the sides..not believing it...her eyes were telling me everything, and it hurt so much.
She kept on staring at me, one hand wiping the tear away...
"how could you!" I demanded of her standing up now, she stood up too.
"Im sorry, it just happened, I...we didnt mean to ..I ..." she started, trying to explain herself, but it didnt matter, none matters now...no explanations, nothing...
I saw the light change from a red blur to a green blur, so I changed the gear and kept on driving, Im driving for God knows how much time now, I just entered my car and drove, anywhere...it doesnt matter anymore...I felt a tear slide down onto my hand, it wasnt even warm...it was cold..just like my whole body..Im freezing, because Im scared..because Iv lost the only thing that mattered...no..I told myself...I am not going to cry...Its not fair...I am not going to cry..but I am..and I cant stop it...3 years of my life...3 years!..and they are all gone to hell now...just like that...just because of one mistake...
I was shaking my head to the sides, with my hands on my ears, to stop all sounds, I didnt want to hear...to stop everything, I didnt want to believe..I couldnt...
"It only happened one time...I swear..and we were both half drunk..." she was trying to reach over to me to stop me from shaking, I pushed her away.
"Dont you dare touch me...I trusted you...you were my friend, and you..you.." I couldnt bring myself to say it.
"you slept with my girlfriend, you slept with Ginny" saying it, these words, admitting to it...I suddenly felt like I had to sit down, so I was dropped down to the couch closer to me...Ane just looked at me still standing...
"You slept with Ginny...my Ginny...I...it cant be...Ginny.." I was crying all of a sudden..it only stroke me at that moment, when she first told me only my brain reacted, but now...now my heart was reacting...
"Hermione...it was a mistake, neither of us wanted to hurt you...I never wanted to hurt you...I dont know what to say" she stood there for a while..in silence, my sobs were the only thing sounding..until I heard her footsteps, and the doorknob twisting...
"Im sorry" and the door closed.
Ginny...my Ginny...I started screaming, punching the steering wheel...my head fell to my hands, cold tears...my heart was breaking, I could feel it, feel it open up and die out...
"Ginny" ..I whispered out...
And Ane, I cant belive Ane would do this to me, after all these years of us being friends, of her coming to our house for dinners, me trusting her, and she slept with Ginny, and Ginny, how could she do that to me? how could she touch someone else, make love to someone else, and how could she possibly hide it from me for this long...
Bang Bang Bang...a noise was coming from outside of the car...I lifted my head to see what or who it was...my eyes were blurry and they hurt...I thought I saw a fire...even though it was pitch black outside, but somehow I could see a red light, I focused on what it was, someones face, a girls face, her face, Ginnys face ...it was Ginny...she smiled at me and let herself into the car.
I froze, not sure if I was dreaming, If my mind was making this whole thing up...like some kind of torture..
I could smell her perfume, the perfume she always wears, that I love so much, could see her fiery hair light up the whole place, could see her gentle skin, her lips, her eyes...
"Hi" she said happily, she was really here, she made to give me a kiss, I didnt move...didnt get my mouth to hers like I always did when I saw her...I felt disgusted with her mouth..with her...
She kissed me on the cheek instead, I knew she was surprised by my actions.
"I saw your car drive this way and so I stopped you, its such a nice surprise to see you here, I didnt know you were supposed to come and pick me up" she said from her side, looking at me...
Here? where was I? I looked to the right past Ginny and into the window, the Cafe Ginny always hangs in...I drove here..without even knowing I did.
I looked at Ginny...she looked confused...her eyes asking me quietly why I was acting so different all of a sudden.
"Is something wrong..?" she asked me unsure of herself, searching my face, questioning my tired and red eyes.
I didnt answer...just looked at her...I could see her and Ane together, kissing, touching, I could see her scream her name out...
I felt a tear slide down..cold...I quickly tried to wipe it off and turn my head to the other side...I didnt want her to see I was crying, to see something was wrong, I wasnt ready for her to know I knew everything...I needed more time to think...but it was too late now.
"Hermione whats wrong?" worried...always that concen in her voice...always when I cry she sounds like that, she hugs me for hours telling me it will be okay, that she is here for me, always and forever...
"why are you crying?" she moved her hands to my face and turned my head to look at her...I couldnt fight, I couldnt fight back, I was weak, I couldnt push her away...I needed her...she hugged me..my tears increasing.
"shh...its ok baby, Im here...its all going to be ok"... Ginny...how could you...I love you so much..how could you do this to me..why did you do this to me...why dont you love me? what did I do wrong?
She had her hands wrapped around me the way she always did, protecting me, but her touch didnt feel warm anymore, it was cold...it wasnt safe, it was scary, it was like a sickness, she was a stranger now, she didnt belong to me anymore, I needed to get away form this, I pushed her away, she let go looking puzzled, I turned my face from hers, and the engine on and pressed on the gas...I started driving, nowhere, but I was gaining speed with every second, I was driving like crazy, not stopping in red lights, just driving, and fast...
"Hermione slow down, what is going on with you?" I could hear the fear coming from her voice, she was even slightly angry at my behavior.
"How about you tell me what is going on with you Ginny?" I said finally, the first words coming out of my mouth...they were full of silent accusations...
"wha...what are you talking about?" was all she could say, but I heard something in her voice, she was scared...scared that I might know something...something deep inside her knew...
"Oh I dont know, have you been visiting some of our friends lately...like Ane maybe" ..silence...she wasnt even breathing...
"I...no..." she mumbled after a long time..
"really" I laughed..it felt so unnatural, "well, Iv heard the exact opposite of that...Iv hear you saw quite alot of her lately...too much of her, actually" the anger was finally coming out of my body, for so long it was destroying my body from the inside, and I couldnt let it anymore, so I took it all out, my leg pressed the gas even harder so the car went faster, too fast.
" Hermione slow the car down.. s..so we can talk" she was panicking now...am I scaring you baby!
I pressed the gas even harder to that.
"H..hermione..s..stop it..." I could hear her voice shaking in a way I never heard before, I turned my head to look at her..she was crying!
I slowed the car down.
As soon as it stopped she opened the door and went out...I followed..I always do.
She was grabbing onto a bench, like she was about the fall, one hand on her chest like she had trouble breathing, I walked toward her, she lifted her face and looked at me, complete shock and fear in her eyes, like I was about to hit her.
"How could you do this to me, how could you?" I asked her pleading for a answer, tell me why, what did I do wrong, why if everything was so perfect..just why...!
"Hermione..." she opened her mouth to speak, but I didnt even give her time for explanations.
"why Ginny, why..I love you so much..." I felt like I was going to fall, like my heart finally died out completely, like these were the last few moments of my life.
"It just happened.." tear.." we were drinking and it... just happened" another tear " but it ment nothing Hermione I swear it meant nothing!", nothing..." you know I love you" ..you love me...nice way of showing it.. she reached out to me, I pushed her away hard and she almost fell onto the bench behind her.
"you fucked another girl Ginny..do you understand that...do you?" I shouted at her, ignoring passerbys who were watching us...
She only looked at me, afraid to get any closer, holding to the bench again, like it might protect her.
"fucked her like you fuck everyone...you slut" I sped at her, my eyes shouting war!
"Hermoine, that was 4 years ago, Iv only been with you since than, you cant just...".
"you are a slut, and it doesnt matter how long ago it was...you are still a slut, 4 years ago, a 16 year old girl going around school sleeping with eveyone..that makes you a slut." she looked at me, angry too now.
"How did you fuck her this time uh?" I was walking toward her, feeling strong all of a sudden, I wanted to hurt her, to bring back all these memories that hurt her so much, all those things that she told me about, that she cried at night because of, how she told me she felt so guilty, treating her body like it was a toy, sleeping around with everyone, and then the whole school finding out about it, and treating her like crap, calling her a slut, not talking to her, and now I was betraying her too...just like they did.
I couldnt stop myself, evet hough my body was screaming for me to stop..."did you finger her like you did half the girls in school, or maybe eat her?" I was an inch away from her.
"did you scream like a whore and beg her to fuck you after you finished with her?" ..face to face with her now, and could see the anger coming out of her eyes, the past always made her mad.
"Actually hermione" she said, moving toward me now, so I had to back down abit, looking me deep in the eye.
"I fucked her just the way I fuck you, I fucked her just like that time I fucked you in the old classroom..do you remember that time?", she stopped, and I did too.
I couldnt believe she would dare to say that to me, how could she ever dare say that, that time in that old classroom was the first time I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me, it was the most amazing love making we ever had, passionate and...and now she is telling me this...
I slapped her...all my anger, all my hurt..everything was there, it wasnt only a physical damage, it was more then that, her hand traveled to the infected wound the second my hand left her face...
She tuned her face to look at me, tears in her eyes, then I turned around from her and started walking away fast, she followed, until she finally reached out and stopped me, turned me to look at her...
She looked scared ,helpless, I wanted to hug her and tell her how sorry I was..but Im not...I cant be sorry after what she did...
She stood there not making a move, and I didnt either, until she finally spoke..
"Theres nothing I can say or do to change what happened, and Im sorry it did happen".
This is Ginny, I cant lose her, I dont want to let her go, but I cant be with her, not now, not after what she did, but its Ginny, how is my life going to be without waking up with her next to me, without touching her, and kissing her, without her.
"I love you Hermione, and one mistake like that doesnt change that, it meant nothing, you are the one I want to be with, for ever."
I guess she took my silence as some kind of a truce, because all of a sudden I could feel her hands on me, her body pressed to mine, her hands on my hair, holding me tight.
It felt so good, but it wasnt the same, this wasnt Ginny anymore, and I couldnt...I just couldnt...I pushed her away, the left side of my brain telling me not too, that I would lose her forever, and the right side telling me I needed to.
She looked at me, knowing it was the end, with eyes full of tears.
"I cant"..I turned around and left.