Letting Go

I started this. I know I did. I ran. That's why he's been acting the way he did to me, that's why all of a sudden that murderer is his best pal… I pushed him to it. And now I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. And it couldn't be any bitterer. I distract myself befriending Sawyer, trying to convince myself I could care less about Jack's newfound friendship, when the truth is… he's all I think about.

I sit next to Libby and Hurley by the fire, me in the middle and them flirting all over. I just stare at the fire miserably. That used to be me and Jack. Now it'll probably take a lifetime before we talk normally, let alone flirt. And not to mention that bitch throwing herself all over him…

"I think we're disturbing her pulling a solitary act." Hurley offers leaning closer to Libby.

"I'd hate to leave her all alone though, she seems…" Libby starts and I cut her off.

"You guys, I'm right here." I say disturbed.

"Of course you are!" Hurley says patting my back, "let's go." He mouths to Libby with an anxious look on his face.

"Um, Kate?" Libby asks rising, "if you want to talk, just drop by my tent, alright?"

I reply with a warm smile and they leave.

"She's a cool girl, but when the doctor is giving her the cold shoulder… she's more dangerous than that Hispanic chick of yours." Hurley tells her quietly as they take off.

I smile bitterly. Am I that transparent?

I turn my head slightly, for the 1000th time today, looking to see the exact same person I wanted to see in the previous 999 times. Only this time, I see him. He spots me and lowers his head, approaching uncomfortably. That's got to be a good sign, right? I mean, at least he's still talking to me. At least he thinks this is repairable.

Before I even get a chance to cheer up, he takes a small turn to the left. Where she stands. Words cannot describe the way I'm feeling. If this wasn't a deserted island with about 50 people, now would've been a perfect time to find a quiet room and just scream. I just can't believe it. I've been replaced. By a murderer nonetheless. Does he have a fetish for the bad girls?

Steaming up in my fury, I observe him sitting next to me. I take a deep breath and exhale softly, peeking at him. He's staring straightforward, not saying a word for the longest time.

"You ok?" he asks coldly finally.

"It's cold." I reply at the same tone as his.

I hate it that he's so icy to me. But if that's what he wants – two can play this game then.

"It's a lot warmer at the caves…" he replies shrugging, still not looking at me.

"I wasn't talking about the weather, Jack." I answer tiredly, facing him.

He sighs heavily and runs his hand through his shaved head.

"I should probably head back. Just wanted to check up on you guys before I left for the night." He says.

"Wait," I say immediately and he sighs again, "stop it. Just stop."

"Stop what?" he asks plainly finally facing me.

That hurt look. I've never seen him this hurt before. I've seen him concerned, I've seen him scared, I've seen him confused… but never this hurt. Not even when I pulled away after kissing him.

"Stop acting this way!" I say frustrated, "I get it – you're angry. You're angry at me disobeying you, you're angry at me… leaving, but… just… stop. I can't handle you this way."

"You don't have to." He shrugs and rises, "by the way, I didn't know it was ok to talk about 'that' yet."

And with those last cold words, he turns to leave.

"I'm sorry, ok?" I call out after him and he stops.

I rise from my spot on the beach and approach him.

"I'm sorry I ran off," I grab his arm turning him to face me, "will that really make you feel better? Hearing that I shouldn't have run?"

"It's nothing I didn't know before," he says in a husky tone, "you're apologizing for running off, when in fact you should be sorry that we had a chance and you threw it away."

I stand there flabbergasted, just staring at him. That's the first time he said something so… outspoken about… us.

"Jack, I…" I start whispering but he cuts me off.

"Don't bother. Nothing you'll say will make this better, or take back time. What's done is done." He replies painfully.

"I wish I'd stayed." I confess in a broken voice, sniffing away tears.

"I wish you'd stayed, too." He answers looking away and then leaves.

I wipe away a tear with the back of my hand and turn around.

"So," Ana Lucia starts approaching, "hot doc blew you off, huh?"

Alright. This has gone too far.

"If I ever see you near him again," I draw closer to her whispering, "I swear to God I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you'd hover back home."

"Well, why don't you just shoot me…" she rolls her eyes and I interrupt her.

"I'm NOT you." I reply persistently.

She gives me a stare that could kill. Which is not a good thing for me, 'cause you never can tell with her when the mood to kill would strike.

Suddenly I feel someone grabbing my arm and pulling me away from her.

"Play nice, Kate." I hear his warning tone.

"I thought you left." I say surprised as he takes me to the other side, still holding my hand.

"I did, but then I started hearing this crazy girl threatening a fellow survivor…" he replies sarcastically.

"She's not a fellow." I reply coldly.

"it was an accident." He stops and looks at me.

"No, it wasn't. An accident is when you forget to RSVP, or to pull the arm break up when you park. Not when you shoot a 20-year-old leggy unarmed blonde chick." I mutter.

"Kate…" he starts tiredly.

"Stop protecting her, Jack!" I call, "what is it with her, she's blinding you!"

"I'm not stupid, Kate!" he calls back, "don't you get it? That's exactly what people told me about you! But she feels bad enough, and instead of pushing her away, I could really use her in protecting the people around here. I get tired Kate. It's the others, and it's the survivors, and it's finding Walt, and it's Sawyer… and it's you."

"I tire you?" I ask hurt.

"This tires me, Kate." He answers, "This "triangle", this… constant running of you, the lack of trust we have for each other… it's tiring."

"Will it help if I'll say the so-called triangle never existed?" I ask softly.

"It cushions the blow." He shrugs, "but there's a blow, Kate. We can't deny that."

"Guess not." I answer biting my lip.

Great. We smoothed things over and it's still irreconcilable. And what kills me the most is that I know he's right. I started this, once again. the whole trust issues, the running away from him – sounds about right. That's me.

"I should really go." He says suddenly and I look up at him, "I, uh… I'll go check up on Ana Lucia, see if she's ok and then head back to the caves."

I nod vigorously, biting even harder on my lip as I feel the tears welling up. Her again. it always comes back to her.

"Good night." I choke off, whispering.

He looks at me closely one more time before speaking.

"Night."

As soon as he walks past me, I refrain from holding back and let the tears stream down my face. The only person here, or even at all for the longest time, who really cared for me, who really accepted me – and I blow it.

I wipe the tears off my eyes, for the second time in 10 minutes and turn back to return to my tent. Then I suddenly bump into him.

Ruining

"What…?" I ask not understanding what he's doing back. Again.

"You know it's about you, right?" he asks grabbing my arm lightly, "It's been about you from the beginning. From the day we met."

I look at him amazed, opening my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. How is it that he's always capable of making my fears and doubts go away?

He offers me a small, embarrassed smile.

Before he gets the chance to leave again, I grab the collar of his shirt and bring him closer to me, standing on my tiptoes – ready to kiss him.

"Don't do it if you're only gonna run afterwards." He manages to warn me.

I lock eyes with him for a second, giving him a look that lets him know I couldn't be more serious about this. I hold his face in my hands and bring his head lower, again standing on my tiptoes to kiss him. My lips crush against his as I feel his hands instinctively wrapping around my waist. He brings one hand to the small of my back, pushing himself closer against me. I deepen the kiss, allowing my hands to trail down to his chest, and when the need for air is too much for both of us to take, we pull away flushed. He presses his forehead against mine, inhaling sharply.

"Are you gonna run?" I whisper teasingly.

He chuckles in reply and cups my face, pulling away a bit to look at me.

"No. I'm gonna walk. But I'll definitely be back tomorrow." He reassures.

I give him a small smile in respond, disappointed that he's leaving, but understanding the situation.

"Sleep tight, Kate." He smiles.

"Not sure I'll even fall asleep." I reply laughing.

"Ditto." He nods smiling shyly, "good night."

"Good night, Jack." I say and with a last smile, he leaves for the night.

I grin to myself, extremely satisfied with the progress that's been made. We're not perfect, we're hardly a 'we'. But knowing we can work on it… knowing not all is lost, gives me hope.

On my way to the tent I walk past Ana Lucia, who just stares at me blankly.

"Seriously, way out of your league." I comment cruelly before leaving.

It was a good night after all.