Essence of Her

by

Alyson Grant

Stuart Harrison

"I can't even begin to explain my actions. I'm not even sure to begin. I don't really know why I did what I did. It started out as something innocent and then led to so much more. But you have to know that I never meant to hurt you."

"Any of you," He added hastily with misery tingeing the crevices of his voice and painting it black.

"You mean you never meant for us to find out," a sullen voice spat out bitterly.

Hurt was immediately etched in the face of a father as he looked into that of his youngest.

Intensity shaded and colored her stormy blue eyes as she looked back,
while her very stance and set of face seemed to say,

I know what I said.
I meant what I said.
And I'm not taking back what I said.

"Please." A soft voice admonished. "You have to let him speak. You must. Uninterrupted if at all possible. It's the only way we can begin to make some progress."

The melodic yet stern tone of those words broke into the sudden silence that filled the room like a sharp chisel connecting with hard rock. Unlike the relief of rock becoming debris, breaking and shattering into dozens of tiny pieces however, the room was still filled with an energy that was thick and palpable like a city's smog or a sea ports early morning mist and fog.

Angry eyes flashed the words with thinly veiled hostility: I don't have to do anything.

"I don't know exactly what was missing that I was trying to fix in all the wrong ways. In all the wrong places… but I'm sorry. It's complicated. It's very complicated."

He paused as a rude noise filled the quiet, silent room.

"Sometimes you do what's wrong because it seems like it's easier to do then what's right. And even though you know it's wrong you try and delude yourself into thinking that it's okay even though deep down you know that it's not."

"Jude, I'm sorry I pulled you into this. I'm sorry you find it difficult to respect me and feel that you can't trust me anymore. That I let you down... I can only hope that someday that can change. That someday you won't be as upset as you are right now and can work in your own way towards forgiving me."

"Sadie, I'm so sorry for burdening you with this and for not doing the right thing right away. I'm sorry for making your year so much more stressful then it could have been. I'm sorry for putting you in this position, a child caught within an adult problem when it wasn't rightfully yours to deal with from the start."

"You seem so strong but really you are just so fragile on the inside and I…"

He broke off with a shake of his head that was both weary and sad and when he continued there was a telltale hitch and waver in his voice.

"I helped break you. Helped take away some of your innocence and I'm not sure if you can ever get it back."

"Both of you..."

"Victoria, I'm so sorry for breaking our vows and hurting you. I'm sorry for everything. And know that my everything isn't enough. Not now. Not anymore."

She looked down to the pale area on her finger where her wedding ring used to be. The brilliant symbol that on many occasions hadn't been taken off for months at a time.

Now…it was gone.

Tucked away in a box of painful memories.

"Oh please Dad! What does it matter?" Exasperated words tinged with hurt rushed out.

"Sadie, do you have something to say?" The round woman with friendly pink cheeks and short grey hair directed this question towards her as she tapped her pen along the raised edge of her seat.

"He's not sorry. He's not sorry for any of this! He can't be." She burst out with angry emotion and then viciously accused, "He's just trying to make himself feel less guilty. Well, I don't buy it and you all shouldn't either."

"Don't you all think it's a bit too late? I mean, you've tried therapy before and now… now, well what's the point?"

Tears ran down her cheeks as she struggled out of her chair and made her way toward the door.

"Sadie, honey, wait!" Her father called out frantically, already beginning to rise from his seat while her mother stayed in hers and just looked at the blank spot on her finger stoically.

Her blond hair whipped over her shoulder and angrily slapped the air as she turned back to her father and silently told rather then asked, just as he'd silently asked her the unthinkable for many months…

To just let her go.

Jude was left behind in the wake looking after her sister.

Unhappiness was etched in her face as she sighed and blinked back tears. She looked at the woman dressed in muted shades of sage and said calmly, "She's right. This means nothing."

Panic stricken, her father rushed and hurried to say,

"It does mean something Jude. We're trying to-"

"It doesn't mean anything," She interrupted softly as she said the words more to herself then to anyone else. "What does it mean? What does it matter?"

"They're getting a divorce."

A tense hand crumpled a messy tear stained page of words

and sad eyes with bright unshed tears

watched as the lined page fell slowly to the ground.

Unsteady feet met the floor and the click and tap of black boots as they traveled to the door resonated throughout the small room and on its hardwood surface. The tempo didn't stop or change even after the name of the girl they belonged to was called.
In fact, if anything they just moved faster…

Then three were left sitting in the small room shrouded in shadows.

Psychologist. Adulterous husband. And soon to be ex wife.


Essence of Her

Author's Note

A.G- So, this was a short story separated into four chapters and points of view. And now it's over.

This story has got to be one the most edited I've ever done. Before Sadie's scene was much shorter…

Everything was just different at first.

Why did I write it? I don't know. It's not the typical Tommy and Jude big romance story that everyone (including me) seems to love but it's a topic that definitely was part of the show.

And it all began with one line "You might think that what you did has nothing to do with me but father it has everything to do with me." At least I think that's where it all started. Maybe the line that began it all was, "I'm not the disappointment here. You are."

And you have to wonder given the whole situation…how does everyone react?

You have the father who let down himself, his wife, and his daughters.

You have the older sister who used to have it all who was dealing with everything alone for the longest.

You have the younger sister who seemed to put her father on a pedestal or at least her older sister thought she did and then bam! Problem. Daddy isn't perfect.

And then you have the mother who has to deal with the fact that her husband cheated on her and everything she feels…

Thank you for the reviews. You guys are really sweet.

People really seemed to like Sadie's point of view which is interesting. Thank you.

And for everyone who's been reading and not reviewing (I've got the stats. I see you baby) I hope you liked it too even though I don't know your opinion.

Try reviewing next time. : )

So now that this story is over I do have a question for you.

At the end with the kind of poetry format 'A tense hand…' whose hand do you think that is? I know who I meant for it to be but the way I wrote it I think it can be interpreted as two people so I'm curious…

And was 'sad eyes' as obvious as I think it is or could that also be someone else? I guess it really is all about individual interpretation.

I guess I'll post the answer to that in my bio or in my next story. Later people.

I'm glad you liked reading this.