A.N
I would like to start by saying thank you to wonderful reviewer. Corrupted-Phoenix (I hope you don't mind) her review was long and supported; it filled my heart with a stunning urge to write. I love these kinds of reviews, full of praise and advice and its more than one line!
Basically she made me feel all fuzzy inside.
She also made a good point. She was the only one who told me in chapter seven Sesshomaru's and Inuyasha's point of view changed so quickly that she got confused. I understand that, for you see on WORD I had separated it with those little dash lines or and even tried typing &( but when ever I went on Document Management and put up my story, got rid of it and stuck all my lines together becoming the chapters you all have read. It probably did it again.
It's confusing and I need your help! Is some kind of typing button locked onmy log in or profile? Or am I typing things wrong? If you guys don't want to be confused any longer, than please help me!
Thanks for reading my frantic rants and pleas for help.
And thank you Corrupted-Phoenix, keep reading!
Always There
Ch 10
It was pathetic.
It was like there was no meaning to his life now.
And that seemed even more stupid.
It had been weeks now, or so his instincts would tell him as he looked up to the sky and differentiated what time it was by the shape of the moon and the location of the sun.
Must have been only about two weeks or so, two slow agonizing weeks of thinking and walking; his new way of life it looked like.
And with every past day, these stupid torturous human emotions would become even harder to bear.
He damned them, he hated them, and he did not understand why he felt them.
He had no human blood rushing through his veins.
He had had no human parent or any kind of human blood lineage on his side of the family.
He was full demon, a full cold-blooded, malicious murderous demon who did not feel any emotions whatsoever, especially pathetic human emotions.
And yet here he was sitting against a tree, watching Jakken and Rin play with flowers in some random field. Or really Rin was throwing beautiful silk petals all along the grumbling toad's head. And feeling that sickening, twisting, wrenching storm of guilt, he assumed.
Guilt, regret, anger, sadness, grief; human emotions…..but then why was he, Lord Sesshomaru, the unfeeling bastard, being tormented by them?
Because they are your emotions…that tiny voice inside his head wisely mocked him.
On normal compulsion, Sesshomaru scoffed and thought that that could not be so. He could not be feeling these pathetic emotions on his own accord!
But yet he knew it was true.
Since that cold night he looked down upon his younger brother's grave, his emotions had been unlocked from that arctic prison.
He was still suffering from a confusing, meddling grief.
Whenever he would rest or a brief moment of peace and quiet would descend upon his group, those hellish thoughts would tumble into his mind.
Faces and memories, voices and scenes; he telling his brother he loved him and could never hate him and making his golden eyes sparkle with relief; he betraying that innocent trust and clouding those big eyes with grief and despair, broken; he stabbing his brother in the stomach, poisoning him, tricking him on that he had brought his human mother back to life.
He making his poor brother's life the deepest pit of hell.
Regret, guilt….would eat him alive.
His mask was breaking.
Harder and harder it became to not let the raging storm building inside of him to leak through his defenses and portray on his slender face. Harder and harder it became to stay the regular Sesshomaru he was before the death of Inuyasha.
He knew that perhaps…..that Sesshomaru was gone.
Sesshomaru turned his head to the side to look at where his left arm would be if Inuyasha had not hacked it off on one loving brotherly encounter. That was the first time the hanyou had ever gotten past him to actually inflict serious damage. The demon could still feel the pain and the eerie feel of his blood splurging onto the ground and the horribly meddling ghost pains he received for weeks afterward.
For days he actually felt like his left hand was itching…..but there was no hand to itch.
It actually…hurt…for quite a while.
But not like he would admit it.
And it didn't matter; he grew accustomed to only having one arm. He was not weak or pathetic.
However, this….wound…this handicap was a constant ghostly reminder of his younger half-brother.
One look at that stump of an arm and the memories would come to torture him once more.
Sesshomaru sighed and slumped, the bark scratching his skin, and he lazily closed his eyes from the blare of the spring sun.
Wasn't Inuyasha born in the spring?
Great, you see, there they go again.
Pathetic, truly pathetic….and so far Sesshomaru did not like the feeling of being pathetic.
But what could he do? His ice was melting; he couldn't control them or push them back any more. I suppose this is punishment…and what a fitting punishment…but of course it could have helped if it was before Inuyasha died!
"You both hated each other to the very depths of your beings, and you didn't pause showing it."
No…I did not……stabbing him, hitting him…trying to kill him…of course, I wanted him to know that I hated him………at least I must have hated him……
"You always had a reason…. but Inuyasha, however, only seemed to hate you because you hated him."
Did I have a reason…?
"Get away from me, I hate you! It's all your fault, you killed him, you destroyed everything! You stupid…stupid HANYOU! I'll kill you!"
"But you……you promised…"
"…I…I lied! I hate you, I wish you were never my brother! You're just my stupid, pathetic…HANYOU HALF BROTHER!"
It wasn't his fault……he was only a young pup……I was his big brother……we both lost our family but we had……each other……and yet I failed him……
"His life was hard and cruel…you should have been there…you should have been his older brother………..He needed an older brother……YOU were the one that failed HIM…!"
Sesshomaru wrinkled his nose by the way his feelings bombarded him even harder by these ghostly voices.
Needed me……I failed him……I'm sorry……but now its too late……My apologies are stupid and petty……I failed…he's gone……Inuyasha…
"…but even so….he was proud to be called your brother…"
Proud of what…?
"Nii-san is so good at this game!"
"No, Nii-san does it better! I want Nii-san to do it!"
"Do you promise to always be my big brother?"
"You're the best brother in the whole world. I love you, Nii-san."
"I…I love you too…"
"My…little brother…" I'll protect you.
Inuyasha……I was…it was all my fault……I'm sorry…
"…hated you only because you hated him…"
…but……but I don't think I did……I don't think I ever did……damn it to hell……it's too late now……I'm sorry little brother………it's too late now…
Not quite. It's never too late, my son.
What the…?
Sesshomaru grunted and opened his eyes….what he saw….scared the shit out of him…..or at least surprised him as much as he would show.
Instantly he mustered all his self control and schooled all expressions from displaying on his face.
Father…? His voice was cool and distant.
The tall, formidable stature of his father glowing in the sun nodded his head, his golden eyes sparkling.
Hello, Sesshomaru, how have you been?
Sesshomaru stood up and looked around. They were still in the field but Rin and Jakken had disappeared and the grass seemed to glow a whitish heavenly aura.
Where are we?
His father smiled. A strange look for the younger demon to see, his father never smiled much when he was alive.
You are dreaming of course, I'm dead, remember? I'm here to send you a message. It may surprise you.
What kind of message? No news could render me any emotion.
His father's smile turned into a smirk….a smirk Sesshomaru had seen many times before.
Guilt.
Is that so, Sesshomaru? That is not what I have observed. You seem to not be taking the passing of your weak, pathetic…
Sesshomaru managed to keep himself from wincing.
…useless half breed brother very well. Tell me…what do you think is happening to you.
Sesshomaru knew he could not lie to the ghost of his father. He narrowed his eyes.
I came to the conclusion……that I am suffering from a stupid humane grief.
Stupid….perhaps…it is said that demons cannot ever feel any remorse or grief, any "human" emotions whatsoever. Than why do you think you, my son, are feeling these emotions?
His father walked up to Sesshomaru, his hands locked behind his back, he walked around his son with that same smirk on his slender face. Sesshomaru gritted his teeth.
Why do you think that the one person who despised, and hated his younger half brother to the very depths of his icy being…is feeling such inadequate things like regret, guilt…and sadness by a death that he wanted to succeed in doing in himself?
Why, my son? Shouldn't you be feeling….satisfied? Or are you going to give me the worthless excuse that you are only feeling this way because you are angry you could not kill Inuyasha yourself? Tell me…I would like to hear your answer…
The younger dog demon tried with all his might to keep from growling…dammit
You are amused, are you not father? You know I do not have a sufficient answer.
His father grinned, his fangs gleaming and he stood back in front of his son.
Yes, I am quite amused, Sesshomaru. I feel great delight in seeing you squirm with your feelings. It has frustrated me how you always pushed them away. I suppose you are correct that this could be called punishment. But that would be….what would be the right word….inadequate? I find it quite stupid that you are feeling this way.
Now Sesshomaru was suffering from anger and confusion. Dammit, damn it straight to hell!
What the hell do you mean, father? I thought you said you are…glad that I am feeling this way.
So you admit you feel such feelings, that they are your own?
Yes, dammit! I don't like it…it's stupid, pathetic, weak…but I know I am feeling them! I hated looking down onto Inuyasha's grave and having Tenseiga lay useless against my side! I hated knowing that I made his life……that I…
Sesshomaru bared his fangs and looked away.
Betrayed him….failed him…? Are those the words you are struggling to find?
Sesshomaru didn't answer. His father gave a sad sigh.
I know that is what is bothering you. We dog demons have strong feelings for our clan, so I was amazed you and Inuyasha could push them away and try to kill each other for so long. But yet I always have known that they were there…underneath the hatred…the ice…or fire concerning your brother…quite a temper that boy…
There was a pause as each demon stared off into space. Sesshomaru finally broke the silence with a soft monotone voice, like stating the weather.
He still hates me…doesn't he? I would like to think that you have talked to him in the afterlife. What were his exact words……I don't see how he could have gotten rid of all that hatred…
His father blinked…a bit surprised by the question…but then he smiled.
Yes….yes I have spoken with him. I have not seen Inuyasha in life since he was but a pup…so it should not surprise anyone that I wanted to see him face to face…..man to man…
The reunion must have been to your liking.
Quite, it's frustrating watching over all of you but not able to say anything.
Than why are you here talking to me now?
It is a special…occasion…I guess you could say. The news I must deliver…and advice as well…is quite important.
Than why don't you tell them to me now?
His father chuckled and shook his head.
I have not seen you for awhile, also, correct? I can tell you are a little angry with me though…or more likely with yourself. But didn't you ask me a question earlier? I should answer it for you. Come…sit down with your old man, Sesshomaru.
The great Inu-tai-youkai sat down in a cross-legged position and raised his brow to see what his son would do. It was a challenge that was clear.
But Sesshomaru wasn't afraid of any challenge.
He would never back down…especially to his father.
The younger youkai sat down and relaxed, though his mind was wary and extremely cautious to what would happen next.
His father smiled and then turned away, his grin falling into a serious expression.
You had asked how Inuyasha could have gotten rid of all that hatred towards you. I believe you got that notion by what his monk friend told you a while ago? Am I correct?
Sesshomaru nodded and kept staring out at the glowing ghostly horizon of his dream world.
Funny…he didn't think his dream landscape would be so…bright…
His father gave something akin to a snort and a chuckle as he shook his head in awe.
I must admit…I didn't really expect that from little stubborn Yasha. He and his pride…probably got that from us…sure gets us in trouble sometimes. Like Inuyasha and that human girl…Kagome, I believe. Nice girl, I like her. I think she's the one who helped Inuyasha the most.
Are you buying time, father?
His father sighed.
I have a lot of time Sesshomaru. At least now I do.
He smiled and looked up.
I'm with my love again…and I spoke with your mother…we have no grudges or hatred towards one another anymore. And now I'm in peace with my beloved Izayaoi.
But then his smile grew sour and he turned to Sesshomaru, who was watching him intently.
Its life that eats up time and you are wasting it, my son. You don't know what you have until it is gone. Death is fine, not as horrible as I thought it would be. But that does not mean you should waste your time in the living world. Yes, there is pain…regrets…sorrows….you lose things and feel that all is for not. But you do have a family Sesshomaru…you have that cute little girl Rin…even that annoying toad…who both stick by you no matter what situation.
He paused.
You have things to protect my son.
Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes and turned around to face his father.
I understand father……I know what you are saying…I've discovered that if you will. But it feels that you are dodging something with me.
Ah, yes! His father's sad wisdom, as fast as it had come…vanished with a smile. You wished to know what I spoke with your brother about.
Sesshomaru blinked and bit back the oath he wanted to shout. He knew there was something more. His father, it seemed, was amusing himself way too much with dancing him in circles. Strange….Sesshomaru had never seen his father like this when he was living; having fun, speaking his mind….at peace. Sesshomaru cut off a sigh and listened to what his father was going to say.
It was…….nice to see him again…
It's quite funny, in a weird way; after your brother died he had to…wait for awhile.
That must not have been pleasant.
His father chuckled.
Of course not, knowing him…but don't judge him too quickly. He was, for the first time, patient. Did a lot of reminiscing and thinking, when he was by himself, you could tell. But what I thought was…a tad bit amusing…was that he was absolutely bent…that he was going to be sent to hell.
Sesshomaru blinked.
His father chuckled again and nodded his head.
Yes, I thought it strangely…out of place as well. He did bad things…but most were accidents or for survival. And there was no way he was going to go to hell for the circumstance on how he died. But he thought he was for sure, going to go to hell. It's an understatement, but Inuyasha was feeling a little guilty about his life.
His father laughed.
You would have loved to have seen his face when he told him he was actually going to come back to life…
What?
Sesshomaru immediately took a hold of himself. His first outburst...in front of father….!
Sesshomaru was beginning to experience a new sensation…..embarrassment.
The great tai-youkai seemed a little surprised himself but then he smiled…his smile turned into a grin….and before long the great powerful demon who had slain hundreds…was laughing his head off.
Sesshomaru frowned and ignored it.
Which was increasingly a hard thing to do….his father did not laugh….at least not the father he knew.
And his father did not slap him on the back in his mirth either.
That face! That face was almost like Inuyasha's! So priceless! I knew you two had more in common than you had first thought. I was hoping this conversation was going to prove amusing.
If you could kindly stop laughing, father. I would like to demand for an explanation.
His father managed to turn his guffaws into tiny chuckles. I'm sure you would, son.
Sesshomaru frowned as his father let loose another bark of laughter before trying to put on a solemn face. You could tell he was struggling to keep it under control.
So…Inuyasha is alive…Sesshomaru struggled as well to get the conversation to turn more serious. He did not mind for this new emotion. How is that possible…and why have I not smelled him at all?
Fortunately the great dog demon became the somber man he was known for, or at least the man Sesshomaru had known.
You wouldn't…his scent his familiar to some…but it's…uh, his appearance that quells the stroke of similarity. When you see him and look hard…you see a lot of things that were the same before he had died, such as his eyes and ears. But everything else… he rolled his hands in the air…is…well…not Inuyasha.
What do you mean?
I'd rather…let you find out for yourself. And I'll have Inuyasha explain everything to you as well. I cannot stay long.
Sesshomaru looked away and mulled over this…interesting piece of new information.
Inuyasha was alive.
By that sudden realization sinking in there was a sudden surge of warmth in his chest…and there was another sensation…as if a huge boulder had been lifted off his shoulders.
His little brother had not died.
Well…he did…but he came back.
He seemed to be starting to get used to these emotions.
Relief…was one that he could learn to like.
Sesshomaru shook his head which was spinning with thoughts and turned to his father.
What…is supposed to happen now?
His father smiled that soft fatherly smile at him once again.
Inuyasha is maturing everyday. He has come to terms with many things. You and he are…to me at least…the final relationship that is still broken. But it is never too late to fix it. Remember to not waste life…especially about such trivial things. He still needs you, my son. Evil is still afoot and you cannot win with separate forces. He still needs his older brother.
"Yay, Nii-san is here!"
"You're the best brother in the whole world."
Sesshomaru shook himself out of his thoughts when suddenly his father stood up. He joined him to his feet. Out of no where his father wrapped his arms around him and gave him a quick, manly muscular hug.
His eyes must have still been wide and his body was still stone stiff when his father let go and gave him a serious look.
Help your brother, Sesshomaru…and most of all…enjoy life. We'll see each other again soon.
He stepped back and his outline began to grow fuzzy and distorted.
Wait…father…!
Sesshomaru stepped forward and he could see his father smile.
I'm still proud of you my son….and I still love you. Oh, and I almost forgot…here's a gift that could prove useful.
His father snapped his fingers and Sesshomaru abruptly fell to his knees as white hot pain lashed up his arm, billowing down his spine all the way to his toes.
It may be painful but I think you'll thank us.
The younger demon's vision began to waver and blacken. F-father…
Goodbye my son.
The last wisp of the tai-youkai's voice merged and lessened into a hum and Sesshomaru fell into a drugged sleep, finally being relived of the pain still coursing down his arm.
It was the deepest sleep he had ever been in.
A.N It's short but I just had to update something. Send me what you think is going to happen next, its amazing how close some of you get. I'll put up another chapter soon; I have a two hour computer time curfew now and can't be on it long. But I will see you guys soon!
And sorry for the OOCness, Sessho is hard,I got bored and didn't give a real damn. Also I saw the third movie and you guys were right. Their dad was WAY OOC IN MY STORY! But...whatever...I don't want to fix it...it would ruin everything (to me at least) and besides I like my Dad version better.
OKAY, BYE BYE: ) ...for now...BWAHHAHAHAHAHA!