The Truth of a Lie
a/n: I do not own Labyrinth. Beta-ed by AngelaScarlet.
Chapter Fifteen – The Castle by the Sea
Sarah awoke to the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks near the castle. And, with a slight smile that felt oddly out of place on her face, she realized that was not the only sound that she heard. She looked slightly up and saw that Jareth was still sleeping soundly. His wild hair looked even wilder in the morning light, and she noted with some amusement that their legs were still tangled together.
Sarah moved quietly and softly to extract herself from Jareth's embrace. She took off her nightgown and pulled on a simple pink gown that stuck close to her body. It was some lightweight material that Sarah had never inquired about, but it flowed nicely. It was the lightest color she had dared to wear since she had come Underground.
The castle was quiet as she walked down the stairs and out the kitchen door. There was a pathway that led down to the beach not far from this entrance, and Sarah walked down it until she reached the warm sand.
"It must already be mid-day," Sarah said to herself as she squinted at the sun. She walked until she got close enough to let the waves lap at her ankles. The cool water felt good. It felt cleansing. She actually thought it felt a bit better than it did yesterday, when Jareth had thrown her in.
Sarah found a patch of smooth sand that pleased her and she sat down on it. Her legs were folded to the side, and her hair was being blown about gently by the ocean breeze. She trailed her fingers in the sand, drawing nonsense figures that she would erase and re-draw. She had a lot to think about, and she was in the only place she felt she could do that without everything else overwhelming her; without him there to speak to her and to urge her to try.
So what if he had been right? She should have known it would have come to what it came to. Looking back, she could not even begin to remember where everything had gone so wrong. It seemed like a nightmare now, where she lost everything she had been and became some terrible wraith-like version of Sarah. She had been trained in psychology to some degree; she should have been prepared for the fall-out of the raping and the subsequent trauma. She knew all about post-traumatic stress, and she should have been prepared for that eventuality.
"You know what they say, Sarah. A shrink always needs a shrink," she said out loud. And it was true. She had just been too close to see, and she did not let anyone else close enough to see it for her. Not even Toby.
The thought of her surrogate brother made tears come up just behind her eyes, threatening to spill over. She had so much apologizing to do, and not just to Toby. She had not even thought of his well-being when she had decided that he would be the one to find her after she had tried to kill herself. Jareth had told her that Toby had still been experiencing nightmares of not finding her in time when he had spirited her away to this place. She had a lot of making up to do, and she could only hope that Toby would forgive her.
But Jareth was the one she had to apologize to the most. For months he tried to get close to her while she stayed at the Castle Beyond the Goblin City. He ate with her, tried to converse with her, include her; but she had not been receptive to that. And so, he had sent her away, fearing that she wanted nothing to do with him. And then, he had taken time away from his kingdom to bring her here, to look after her himself. She truly did not deserve him.
Sarah shook her head. No. She could not let herself get lost in those thoughts again. Last night had opened her eyes to a lot of things, one of them being the fact that she really did have a problem. She knew there were five stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She supposed she had finally gotten to the last stage. Like someone who had lost a loved one, she had lost a part of herself when she had come through that portal for good. Now, she could accept that that part of her life was over. Sarah the assassin, Sarah the courtesan, Sarah the spy; she was not a creature for this world. She still existed, she always would, but now Sarah could accept that there were other things she was needed for, and there were other people who needed her.
Sarah did not believe in regrets. Anything that happens to you while you are alive brings you to where you are in that moment. And right now, she pretty much thought that things would eventually be completely okay.
"Everything will be okay," Sarah said with that small smile.
&&&
Jareth awoke and knew she was gone. Her soft hair was not on his chest, and her warmth was gone. He felt her pillow and realized it was cold. That meant she had been gone for some time now. He sat up in alarm and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He twisted his wrist and a sphere appeared.
"Show me Sarah!" he barked, not sure what the sphere would show him. He breathed in relief when he saw her slight figure lounging on the beach outside. He willed himself into gray breeches and a loose white shirt, and pulled on the black boots that appeared from nowhere. He walked the same path that he figured she had traveled, and saw her sitting just as the crystal had shown him. He walked to her and stood behind her, waiting for her to speak.
"You can sit, you know," Sarah said softly as her fingers traced circles in the sand. Jareth did as she said, sitting with his long legs stretched out in front of him. He crossed his ankles and leaned back on his hands. Sarah gave him a shy smile that nearly stopped his heart.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"What do you have to be sorry for?" Jareth thought he knew why, but he knew she needed to say it. It was just another step. She needed to apologize for all that had gone wrong. It was cathartic.
"I never tried. I never even tried to live in your world. I came here expecting it to be easy. When it wasn't, I tried to escape as best as I could. I ultimately ended up hurting you and everyone else I care about. And I hurt you the most. You could have chosen to make my life here a living hell. You went out of your way to make things nice and easy for me, and I never even noticed. And now, you have brought me here, and you have done everything for me without any kind of expectations. I won't even act like I do not know that you want me to marry you; you have said it often enough. But you have not pressed the issue. So thanks, and I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you," Sarah fingered the edge of her dress and looked sidelong at Jareth.
"Are you – Do you think you are going to be okay?" Jareth asked.
"Eventually, yes. I think so at least. But I do not think I am anyone to be trusted yet, and I do not think I can face anyone yet. How much longer do you think we can stay here?" Sarah asked, knowing Jareth had to be worried about his kingdom.
"Sarah, if it means you getting better, then we will stay here as long as you need," Jareth slipped an arm around Sarah's should and pulled her close to him.
&&&
Sarah and Jareth spent the next couple of weeks proceeding with the shorthand version of falling in love. They went for walks, played games, had long talks, and slept in the same bed. Sarah did not like sleeping alone anymore. The nightmares seemed to stay away when he was with her, and that suited her just fine. He offered to give her magic back, and she told him no. She did not think she would last very long right now. She was not sure that if things even started to go slightly south, that she may just start her cutting again. She did not want to be that low again.
"Why can't you just take it away permanently?" Sarah asked as they laid in bed one morning.
"Sarah, your magic is just as much a part of you as your skin or your eyes. You cannot get rid of it. And I hate to say it, but you are going to have to learn to live with it, I cannot block you forever," Jareth told her as he stroked her hair.
"What if I can't?" Sarah asked, sounding like a small child.
"I tend to believe that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, Sarah," Jareth smiled a wry smile and stroked the soft skin on her arm.
"You know, you are so much different now than you were then," Sarah told him.
"Back then I was working under different assumptions and different feelings. I didn't know losing you the first time was going to hurt so bad. The second time, when you were my responsibility, I thought I was going to die too. There is a clarity that comes with almost losing someone you love. It humbled me, I guess you could say," Jareth turned onto his side and looked at Sarah.
"The Goblin King, humbled? Where's the 'obey me, love me, and I'll be your slave' speech?" Sarah teased Jareth.
"I'll still be your slave," Jareth murmured.
Sarah only laughed and hit him on the arm.
&&&
It was a month and a half after that night that Sarah finally decided that she wanted more than the gentle kisses and caresses she had been receiving from Jareth. Only a small part of her protested, and that was the part that still remembered the pain of being raped. He had been right; it could be good between them. She knew it would be good.
And she was never one to think about marrying someone before she found out the sex would be good, right?
Sarah thought about it all through dinner, which she ate little of. She still could not eat too much, it made her stomach turn; but she could eat now without needing to throw it up. She knew it was like alcoholism: she would never be cured. She would always be a recovering bulimic. But tonight, it was more nerves than anything else. One time, she had offered herself to this same man, and he had turned her down flat. This time, she hoped that being a different person would tip the scales in her favor.
Sarah came out of the bath and combed her hair. She left it loose and pulled on a white silk nightgown that Jareth had packed for her. She did not even know she owned it.
"Jareth? Can you come here please?" Sarah asked from in front of the bathroom mirror. He was there in only a second, he always was. She turned to him and asked him nicely to dry her hair for her, because she did not want to get her pillow all wet.
"The only pillow you have been using lately is me," Jareth joked, but he did as she asked.
"I don't see you complaining," Sarah smiled at him in the mirror. Her smiles had gained confidence in the last couple of weeks, and Jareth liked that.
Jareth walked back to the bed in his black sleeping pants. He tried not to think of Sarah in that nightgown. He had not even seen it when he had made sure her things were packed. He had promised himself that he would make her come to him when she wanted it, but damned if it wasn't, well, HARD to keep from trying to seduce her.
Sarah climbed into the bed and wrapped her arms around Jareth like she did every evening.
"Sarah, shouldn't you blow out the candles?" Jareth asked.
"In a minute love," she said as she snuggled close to him, burying her face in his neck. He smelled like he had always smelled, like desert air and cinnamon. She stuck her tongue out and licked the skin there, barely glazing it with her tongue.
"Sarah, what are you doing?" Jareth asked a little stiffly.
"Trying to seduce you, is it working?" Sarah asked as she gave the shell of his ear a long and slow lick.
"Yes," Jareth confessed as a tent started to appear in his pants.
"What do you plan to do about it?" Sarah asked.
"Are you sure?" Jareth asked in a serious tone.
"Never been more sure," Sarah breathed into his mouth as she looked him in the eye. Jareth could see desire and love there, and also a little fear. He knew the fears were unfounded, but it was his job to dissuade her fears and let her know that he would never hurt her like that.
"Well, when you say it like that…," Jareth smirked and brought Sarah's head down to his.
After that, there were only the sounds of gasps and moans until they both cried out each other's names in the candlelight.
Then there was silence.
&&&
Toby was waiting for them when they appeared in the courtyard of the castle. Sarah rushed forward and hugged him close to her, sitting on the ground despite her gown. Sarah was crying and holding Toby tight.
"I'm so sorry Toby, I am so very sorry!" Sarah gasped.
"It's okay Sarah, I'm still alive and so are you. We'll be okay," Toby told her, "You missed my birthday by the way. You owe me"
"Ah, that I do," Sarah said as she wiped her eyes, "What do you want?"
"I got what I really wanted. You are alive and okay. But I am thinking that we have a lot of 'us' time coming to us, right?" Toby asked.
"You are the best little brother a girl could have," Sarah said as she stood back up.
"Everything go well?" Toby asked Jareth.
"Yes, everything is fine," Jareth winked at his young protégé as he took hold of Sarah's hand.
"When's the wedding?" Toby asked.
"We cannot seem to come to an agreement on that it seems," Jareth smirked.
"Oh, Sarah, do you know what you can get me for my birthday?" Toby asked innocently.
"What?" Sarah asked him warily.
"Your damned wedding!" Toby threw up his hands, exasperated.
"Watch your language!" Sarah snapped warmly.
"Boy, she has changed," Toby said to Jareth.
"Only for the better Toby, only for the better"