Disclaimer - My name is found nowhere in conjunction with Highlander. I do not own any of the characters, or concepts used in this fan fiction.

Journal 2,014 Entry 219

I know that I have not written in a few weeks, but I just couldn't. There has been so much to do, to take care of, that I have not had the time.

Also I didn't want to.

If I wrote about it then there was no denying it, if I wrote about it, then it would be real. I'm not sure I can handle reality just yet. It hurts too much. I miss you too much.

I had to tell Joe.

He couldn't understand my reactions, why I was so upset. He didn't think we even really knew each other, so why was I falling apart?

Then one night he had to take me home.

The look on his face as he stepped into our apartment is hard to describe. There were equal parts dawning understanding, painful horror and grief. He looked around at the shelves with our music, the photos and posters, the sweater shirt you left out on the couch that I haven't been able to put away.

I watched as he turned to one of the shelves above the TV, and picked up of framed photo. It was one of those times I had come to see you at the track. It was of me with an open happy look on my face as you raced laps in the background. It was your favorite.

He held me as I broke down in tears. He has held me a lot in the last few weeks, and I've returned the favor. He loved you too in his own way. I think he saw you as a sort of nephew or something.

Gods I miss you. It is so lonely here at night. I have taken to sleeping on the sofa. The bed is far too big and lonely.

The Highlander has taken off for gods know where. Joe and I handled your, we took care of everything.

It is too quiet here, but I could never think of leaving. I can still feel you here, almost hear you moving around.

Maybe I really am going off the deep end.

I have some vague memories of a woman coming to talk to me, trying to explain something, but it makes no sense. Maybe she wasn't really there, or maybe I really had called upon Mania.

I am not sure

It was the same night, so there are some blanks spots in my memory.

Either way, hallucination or not, she stopped me.

I was prepared to join you, I was ready.

But then I was not, and not because I didn't want to be with you. It, it is almost like a spell or curse depending. I miss you so much, would do anything to be with you again, except that.

I have tried.

I tried that first morning when I woke up and it was real.

I just can't.

I am not sure what to think.

Everyday I wake up thinking that maybe it was a nightmare sent by Prohobetor. Then I am awake and its not.

I miss you my Heart, I miss you so much.