This is a long one...

Long this time, I think….2400 words or something….not bad.

For all of you who have been pestering about the empty birthday thing in his record file, it is IN this chapter….you should be so proud…..

Chapter 29

The Cruel, Cruel World

And other thoughts about it

Sometime in the midst of all that chaos, Radar found himself wandering. It was a horrible habit of his really; he could be doing so many other things, but today he felt like wandering. He would just stroll, rather casually, around and around the camp. Sometimes his walks would last for hours before somebody stopped him to tell him work needed to be done, and other times they lasted merely minutes.

Today was one of the days that he just kept walking and walking. House would pass with out him realizing it. He would think about things, sometimes the war, sometimes the people in war, and even at times he would wallow in self-pity and he would think about his family and wonder why he ever joined this army in the first place.

But today was different. Today he thought about the world and just the cruelty of it, heavy thoughts for some one so young. His Iowan naiveté didn't seem so strong now.

He thought about Hawkeye. He wondered how someone like him could be so tortured into being afraid of his own father. Radar felt a shiver run up and down his spine. These were dark thoughts, dangerous thoughts that he really didn't want to think about.

………

Margaret's thoughts weren't too far off from young Radar's. After they left Daniel and Sidney, BJ led her to the swamp where she broke down and sobbed into his friendly embrace. Whether she was crying for fear or relief she wasn't sure.

"Let it all out, Margaret," BJ crooned softly, rocking her gently. He was the only one who really knew the depth of her and Hawkeye's relationship. If anyone, he could understand.

………

Somehow Daniel had led Hawkeye back into his room, where he now slept, peacefully, literally. No dreams, no nightmares, and for this Daniel was glad. Hawkeye had already been through enough torture, he didn't need anymore.

Daniel gently brushed raven hair out of Hawkeye's eyes, smiling when he didn't flinch away from the touch. He rested his hands on his sons and laid his head down. Soon after, sleep claimed him.

………

They were all assembled in Colonel Potter's office again, this time with the additions of Klinger and Radar who had somehow found out the whole story.

"Where's, Dr. Pierce?" Charles asked innocently.

Potter gave him a sharp look, "with Pierce…..Hawkeye," he shook his head. "This is going to get confusing."

Margaret smiled through freshly wiped tears, "is he going to be alright?" Her voice cracked and another tear slipped. BJ placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder and gave it a small squeeze.

Potter scanned the solemn group and let his eyes rest on the psychiatrist, "Sidney?"

"I can't say for sure."

Margaret closed her eyes at the words, the knot in her stomach tightening.

"This sort of case has never been documented before," he explained. "He had a psychological breakdown, probably from a sense overdose. The results change depending on the person. He could wake up and be perfectly alright…or as well as anyone in his position would be, or he could wake up and be crazy….literally,"

Klinger wisely kept his mouth shut.

"God help him," Father Mulcahny crossed himself. "Who would have known….Hawkeye of all people. He seemed so…happy."

"I'd say he's had lots of practice covering it up, covering all his feelings up." Margaret was still stuck on what Daniel told her.

Potter cleared his throat, "some one should go check on those two." They all exchanged looks, no one wanting to go, really. All afraid of what they might find.

"I will, Colonel," Father Mulcahny offered, "it's the least I can do."

………

What in heaven's name possessed me? Mulcahny kept asking himself and then he would answer himself, God possessed you, you are his messenger.

So he walked down to O.R trying to look calm, he slowly peaked into the Scrub Room, empty. He wasn't sure what to make of that sign.

Letting himself in he crept through O.R then through Post-Op until he came to Hawkeye's private room. He stood uncertainly outside the door until he had enough courage to open it. So he did.

And there they were.

Hawkeye was curled tightly in a ball, head buried in his arms, shivering from the cold. Daniel sat in the wooden chair next to him, asleep, arms folded on the bed his head resting next to his sons, both breathing deeply and calmly.

Smiling gently he walked in silently and carefully covered Hawkeye with a blanket and Daniel with another. He said a soft prayer for both of them and left, leaving them to their peace.

………

Hawkeye woke up to warmth and a soft bed beneath him, which was unusual; he was still with Jackson, wasn't he? This was probably just new sick tortures, but….he wiggled his arms and legs, no restraints. He opened and closed his mouth, no gag, and no blindfold.

He opened his eyes slowly and was met by a blinding light, definitely not in that torture chamber; above him was an aluminum ceiling, a very familiar ceiling. He glanced around and felt weight on his right side. What the hell was his father doing here? What the hell is going on?

"Dad…." He whispered softly.

He thought about waking him, but decided against it, he could probably use the rest, he looked tired.

So he was alive, but Margaret….Margaret! He felt panic overtake him before he forced himself to relax. She was probably dead, the last thing he remembered was BJ and Charles, slavers…..he shuddered, now he didn't know what to believe about them…..they bought him, they paid for him, and for that moment, he was a slave again.

Taking a deep breath he settled back into the blankets and closed his eyes, he wasn't a slave now, that was for sure, so he was going to take advantage of every spare moment he had.

………

Daniel woke instantly, his head snapping up, going rigid. He could have sworn someone had said, 'Dad,' maybe he was dreaming, but it sounded just like Ben. He looked down at his son and smiled. He was curled up, arms hugging himself, shivering; the blanket that had mysteriously got there had slipped off of his slender shoulders.

Gently he pulled the blanket back up and tucked it around him. He leaned in and kissed him on the forehead like he did when he was a kid. "Stay with us, Ben," he whispered softly, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "We still need you…"

…

He wanted to stay with him in case he woke up, but felt like he needed to get out of that suffocating room.

He stopped at the Swamp, but it was empty, as was Margaret's tent, and the Officers Club was devoid of anyone he was looking for. He finally found them all in Colonel Potter's office, where they all stared at him dumbly when he walked in. Normally he would have quipped naturally, getting a laugh out of them all, but not today, he was just too tired.

"Dr. Pierce," Father Mulcahny said walking over and extending a hand, "I don't think we were ever formally introduced, Father Francis Mulcahny."

Daniel shook, "hello Father. Daniel Pierce."

"How is he doing, Daniel?" Margaret asked hopefully.

"Still hasn't woken up. I was just coming out for a bout of fresh air."

Margaret stood, "you look famished. Let's get some food in you before we go see Hawkeye again." She pulled him out of the room with a simple nod at the rest of the group.

………

"How is he really, Daniel?" Margaret asked when they were seated with a cup of coffee, in her tent.

Daniel didn't respond. "I'm worried," he finally stated. "He hasn't woken up yet, so I don't know anything. I'm just afraid…." He trailed off.

"What?"

He sighed, "I'm afraid he's going to shut down again, act like nothing's wrong, afraid that we are going to have to start all over again…."

Margaret smiled softly, "I am too…."

They sat in silence for a while each lost in their own thoughts.

"Daniel….."

"Hmm….?"

"I remember when he first woke up he told me there was something special about some English word, but he didn't know what….Anit-….anitestablish arianism…..?"

"Antidisestablishmentarianism….when he was young and still grasping English, I would get mad at him and would say that word and he would think it was some fancy English curse word or something…." They both laughed.

"What about his birthday?"

"What about it?"

"Well, we've never celebrated it, when BJ and I looked in his files it wasn't listed…."

Daniel's face grew solemn, "he doesn't like to celebrate his birthday, or even acknowledge it."

"Why?"

"It was the same day his mother died….and then 3 years later the same day Jackson and he left for Africa…."

More uncomfortable silence followed.

"He's …he's had a hard life," Margaret said conclusively, "but he's so good at covering it up…."

Daniel smiled sadly, "yeah….I'm just afraid if he does get his memories back he's going to push us all away and hide from us again…"

"We won't let him this time."

"Thank you, Margaret."

"For what?"

"For helping him….you're always in the letters he writes, you know. At first it was about you being a tightwad, high-strung show-off and then slowly it changed….a couple of weeks before you went missing, he said to me he wasn't sure he would have survived this war without you." He smiled again, "he loves you Margaret."

Margaret looked down, "I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore…." She trailed off, "I'm not sure I know what he's like anymore. I'm afraid that when he gets his memories back, I won't love him like I used too, and I don't want to hurt him…."

………

Margaret literally forced Daniel into the VIP tent to get some REAL rest. She knew he must be tired...when he agreed. He ordered her to wait in Hawkeye's tent...

She walked in and found him sleeping peacefully, hair falling in his eyes, blanket pulled up to his chin.

She sat down next to him and gently stroked his cheek. Even in his sleep he let out a content sigh and leaned into her touch. "Hawkeye….." she whispered softly, letting her hand rest on his elegant fingers, piano fingers….she couldn't deny it, whether she knew him or not, she still loved him, yet hated him at the same time.

Hated him for nearly getting himself killed just to save her, hating him for pushing them all away, hating him for so willingly loving her, willingly put himself at risk of getting hurt again to love her. She hated him and loved him.

Tears pricked the corner of her eyes again and she gently caressed his cool skin, "please Hawkeye…." She rested her head next to his chest, his familiar scent washing over her.

Yes, it was true…she definitely still loved him….

………

Colonel Potter took another gulp of whiskey and slammed it back down on his desk. I-Corp had called and said they were on a temporary truce, so that meant in a couple of days the truce would end and they would get a hell of a lot of wounded.

"R-"

"Yes, sir?"

"Call the replacement doctors; I will be relieving them of their duty."

"Yes, sir," and Radar ran off.

He knew it was stupid to relieve them but with the three of them (Charles, BJ, and himself) back and the added hands of Daniel Pierce they would be alright.

But he had to admit he was worried. They couldn't afford to loose Hawkeye, he was literally their best surgeon. Daniel couldn't hang around forever. Potter wasn't just thinking about loosing Hawkeye's talent. He'd already seen what the camp is like when Hawkeye is hurt…it was a shy below chaos; he couldn't imagine what would happen if he died…and that wasn't even what he was worried about. If Hawkeye even lost his mind, which there was a chance, the camp would fall apart.

Potter never really realized how much this camp relied on Hawkeye; his devotion to his work is what kept there moral up. When he was angry, most of the camp was angry, when he was sad, the camp did their best to cheer him up again, and yet no one noticed anything. They didn't notice the shielded look in his eyes or the way he guarded himself from people.

Potter always wondered about his 'love 'em and leave 'em' attitude. He was such a caring man; Potter just couldn't see him normally being like that…he suspected that he was guarding himself. He'd been around long enough to know when people are acting or being sincere even with someone as good as Hawkeye.

……….

They didn't speak as they went through their normal nightly rituals. They didn't want to break the silence that gently wrapped them around a fake source of confidence. A confidence that kept telling them that any minute now Hawkeye would walk (or stumble) through the door of the Swamp laughing at them, explaining that it was some elaborate joke he and Margaret cooked up.

BJ shook his head and laughed to himself, Hawkeye was a joker, but he didn't think he would fake his own death. That would be going too far.

"What are you laughing at?" Charles snapped, turning another page in his book.

"Just thinking," BJ angrily returned. He was not happy with Charles…and that was an understatement. Charles had just been so….casual about the whole situation.

Sure Charles never liked Hawkeye, but he did save Hawkeye's life and seemed to semi-care, then Daniel shows up and Charles gets all snooty about foreigners….damn bastard….but that was just BJ's thinking.

Charles' thoughts on the situation were much different.

………

He never considered Hawkeye a friend. Hell, sometimes he had trouble thinking of Hawkeye as human with the amount of alcohol that man drinks. But he didn't hate him, or resent him. Dislike him, yes, but not hate.

Charles was simply bothered by the whole situation really, though that was no excuse for the insults he threw out about foreigners, but he couldn't help himself.

Maybe it was his mind telling him that he just wanted things to go back to normal, back to the way things were. He hated the fact that the man who was like a rock to his camp just broke, had been slowly breaking for a long time, there was just no one there to help put him together again.

Chapter 29

The Cruel, Cruel World

And other thoughts about it

TBC