The United States of Azumanga Daioh
Chapter 1
New York!
Disclaimer: I don't own Azumanga Daioh or any of its characters and I don't own America, but I'll make fun of all of it just for fun.
Osaka sat at her desk daydreaming as usual until Ms. Yukari threw an eraser at her head and yelled, "Osaka have you been paying any attention?" "Huh?" Osaka said drearily, "I didn't know it cost money."
Tomo giggled a little bit in the corner. "Oh," replied Ms. Yukari, "Then what famous American wrote the American dictionary?" "Hillary Clinton!" Kagura yelled. "Quiet!" responded Ms. Yukari. "Who cares?" said Tomo, "When you stop coming to school drunk we'll start paying attention."
"Tomo, stop being stupid!" Yomi said. "Don't be mean to students!" Ms. Yukari said. "Yeah," Chiyo replied. "Thank you Chiyo-chan." Ms. Yukari replied. Chiyo continued, "Don't insult Ms. Yukari or any other elders."
Ms. Yukari was heartbroken at being called an elder. "That's it," she yelled, "Osaka, Tomo, Kagura, Yomi, Chiyo-chan, Sakaki, all of you get detention!" "What did I do?" Sakaki asked. "I'm just sick of looking at you!" Ms. Yukari responded.
The detention was supposed to be quiet and punishing, but with their supervisor at happy hour there was little control. Fortunately Yomi found a piece of string that kept Tomo entertained for most of the time.
Kagura had her small radio up to max volume on a station that played American music from bands with long names. "Why do you like that music?" Yomi asked.
"I don't," she replied, "But today…" before she could continue the radio host said, "If you're caller number 7 you and six friends will be spending Golden Week (big Japanese holiday lasting a week) in the United States of America New York City!"
"Wow!" exclaimed Yomi. "Yeah," Kagura replied dialing the number. "Hello," the person on the other line said, "You're caller number 7. The question is…What rock group performed the song 'True Men Don't kill Coyotes'?" Kagura and everyone else were stumped at this question.
Meanwhile in the corner of the classroom. Sakaki was eating peppers out of the mega sized jar in front of her when Osaka said, "What are those?" Sakaki replied, "Chili peppers." "Can I have one?" Osaka asked. "Well they're kind of…" Sakaki began but Osaka had already shoved as many in her mouth as she could. Osaka began running around the classroom in search of water.
Kagura, ignoring Osaka was trying to remember the name of the band. "What could it be?" she said to herself. "You're almost out of time." The radio host said. Osaka kept running around yelling until Kagura said, "What's wrong?" Osaka yelled, "Red Hot Chili Peppers!" "That's right!" the radio host said, "You're going to New York City!"
Everyone started cheering until Tomo looked up from her piece of string to say, "Wait, there's six of us and there are seven tickets. What do we do about the 7th person?" "I'll go you foo!" Mr. T said. "How'd you get here?" Tomo asked. "I made a wrong turn on my way to my fanfic, but that don't matter. I'll go!" Everyone stared blankly, then Yomi said, "Um…no." Mr. T sulked away saying, "Can't you have some mercy? They're pairing me with people from Pokemon! Can't you have some mercy?"
Ms. Yukari ran in and yelled, "I'll go with you!" Yomi replied, "I think we'd rather spend the week with Mr. Kimura." Mr. Kimura ran in and said, "You mean it? I've had dreams about this!" Everyone seemed shocked and Sakaki said, "Okay, you can come."
At the airport Osaka was eating more chili peppers. "You know you can't bring those with you. Don't you?" Chiyo said "It's okay, Chiyo-chan. I have a plan…" Osaka said. As Osaka walked through security Chiyo sang a Nursery Rhyme distracting the airport security.
"Wow, that worked," Yomi said, "I hope Osama BinLaden doesn't know any show tunes." As she said this Osama BinLaden walked through security singing "Can't touch this! Da da da da Hey…Can't touch this"
Everyone took their seats on the plane and Tomo was immediately bored. "Come on let's do something! I'm bored. I'm tired." Yomi then pulled out a poppy seed muffin. "Yay!" Tomo cheered stuffing the muffin in her mouth. "I knew that'd come in handy." Yomi said.
"I wonder what the in-flight movie is." Osaka said looking at the TV screen. A trailer popped up saying "It's the hit comedy sequel you've all been waiting for Dumb and Dumbererererer'!'" "Oh Buddha no!" Ms. Yukari yelled, "Eject, Eject!" "But there is no eject," Osaka replied "Oh yeah?" Ms. Yukari yelled jumping out the window. Yomi sighed and said, "How are we supposed to explain this to the flight attendant?"
3 poppy seed muffins, 2 crappy in-flight movies, and one bad case of air sickness later they arrived in New York City. They made their way to their luxury hotel. There was one big room with 7 beds each decorated lavishly. "Wow!" Sakaki said noticing the huge stuffed cat on her bed then recovered by ignoring everybody again.
"Let's go shopping!" Tomo proposed. "Okay," Ms. Yukari replied obviously tired (and yes I'm sorry that she's still alive), "Be back here by sundown." "Are you okay Ms. Yukari?" Chiyo asked. "Muhvuhm…" Ms. Yukari mumbled falling asleep on her bed.
"Apparently she's not good with jetlag," Yomi said, "It's a shame she'll sleep through her own birthday." "It's her birthday?" Osaka asked. "Teachers have birthdays?" Tomo said, "I thought they just unplug them after school."
"I didn't know about this!" Osaka exclaimed, "We have to do something for her!" "I'll pass." Tomo replied. "Me too." Kagura replied. "I've got better things to do." Yomi replied. Sakaki said, "I'll stay here and…uh…yeah…" Everyone left except Osaka and Chiyo.
"Well, I'll help, Osaka." Chiyo replied. "Okay," she replied, "I'll get the cake you get her a gift, and get creative." "Yes ma'am." Chiyo replied saluting.
Osaka carried a large shopping bag with her. "Okay," she said to herself, "I've got eggs, flour, and…oh, I need sugar!" a man wearing a large trench coat said, "Hey, did I hear you need some 'sugar'?" "Yeah," she replied, "Wow Americans are smart."
"Yeah," he replied, "Special today, only $400 (American commoner: rent payment, American Politician: Hamburger and a large drink)." "Wow," Osaka replied, "Stuff here is expensive." "Yeah, you want it or not?" he asked. "Okay." She said handing him $400. "Is this enough to make a cake?" she asked. "Yeah, sure, whatever." He said walking away swiftly.
Tomo and Yomi were walking down the street; Yomi was carrying all the shopping bags. "Why do I have to carry all this stuff?" she asked Tomo. "Because," Tomo replied, "You have to respect your elders." "But you're younger than I am." Yomi said "So," Tomo replied, "I'll respect you by allowing you to carry all the bags."
Just then a man with shaggy, blonde hair in a business suit approached Tomo and said, "Hey, you look like a smart person how'd you like a job at my building?" Tomo giggled a little and decided to make fun of him. "You know," she said, "In Japan, we close business deals by rubbing the employers head."
"Tomo, don't!" Yomi yelled dropping the bags, but it was too late. Tomo pushed her hand through his hair until his toupee fell off. Suddenly a crowd of paparazzi crowded around taking pictures of the balding man, until he ran away crying.
Tomo picked up the toupee and said, "I could sell this on ebay!" A police officer approached her and asked, "What are you doing with Donald Trump's hair?" "Uh…" she said thinking of something to say, "Me speaks no English." Tomo then ran away leaving a billow of dust behind her.
Kagura went by herself to a football game between New York and Seattle. When she saw the teams come out she told the person next to her, "Those New Yorkers are like giants!" "Ladies and gentlemen," the voice on the loudspeaker said, "Please rise for the national anthem sung by Mr. T!" Mr. T got up and sang, "O say can you see I pity the foos!" Everyone booed and threw popcorn, beer, and smelly jerseys at him. One guy even threw the mascot at him until he finally left.
Later, during the fourth quarter the ref made a bad call on New York and Kagura yelled, "Boo! The ref's blind!" Kagura then noticed a man sitting in front of her holding a can and wearing black sunglasses. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" Kagura said. Then hordes of blind people came and surrounded her. Without thinking she jumped onto the field and started running. The ball fell into her hands and she kept running. She ran past the touchdown line through the locker room. "Touchdown!" the voiceover said, "Giants win!" Kagura ran through the locker room and passed Mr. T being beat up by the mascot yelling, "Run you foo!"
Sakaki was still staring at the stuffed cat now with great joy. She would've jumped on the bed hugging it if not for the possibility of Ms. Yukari waking up.
For only a moment she looked out the window and then noticed that in the apartment building across the street a cat jumped off the second floor and an old lady tried to catch it before it jumped.
Sakaki ran to her balcony and jumped down to where the cat was. Then with God-like speed she raced across the street. A car was about to hit her but she smashed the hood of it to get the cat.
Sakaki picked up the cat and handed it to the old lady. "Thank you young lady," she said, "Is there some way I can repay you?" "Oh, it's nothing." Sakaki replied. "Well," the woman responded, "At least come and have a cup of coffee." "O…k…" Sakaki replied following her.
"Hey," the man who had his car wrecked by Sakaki yelled, "Hey, what are you gonna do about my car?" Sakaki looked back and her eyes filled with fire and the man drove away as fast as he could.
Sakaki walked in the door and saw more cats then she'd seen in her whole life. They were everywhere. In some places she couldn't see the floor. "Your cats are so cute." Sakaki said.
"Thank you young lady," The woman replied walking into the kitchen. "How do you take care of all of them?" she asked. "Well, they have a special diet," The woman said manically laughing and pulling a knife out of her pocket. "I think you're on the menu today!"
The old lady lunged at Sakaki with her knife. Sakaki tried to run away to the door but the cats created a wall stopping her. The woman laughed evilly and the cats grouped together to form one cat she rode upon.
"Crap this story's getting weirder and weirder," Sakaki yelled, "Curse you Robert Tobias for writing this!" "Don't blame me," I yelled running away from the giant cat lady. "Ahhhhhh! Help!" I yelled as the cats caught up with me and swallowed me up. "Sorry Robert." She said jumping out the window to escape.
She jumped and landed on the same car she'd smashed earlier. "Hey!" the man yelled, "My car…again!" Then the cats followed and ate what was left of his car except the wheels. The man sighed and said, "There's no way my insurance will cover this."
Ms. Yukari opened her eyes slowly and saw Tomo, Kagura, Yomi, Osaka and Chiyo wearing party hats and holding a birthday cake. "Surprise!" they all yelled. "Fire!" she yelled jumping to her feet. "Oh," she continued, "It's just you. Oh, thanks! How'd you know it was my birthday?" "Uh…" Yomi replied, "Happy Birthday!"
Sakaki walked in with scratches all over herself. "What happened?" Chiyo asked. "I…uh…fell down the stairs." Sakaki replied. "But you have scratches all over your face." Chiyo replied. "Uh…" Sakaki said, "Oh, cake!"
"Yeah," Ms. Yukari said, "This cake looks great!" Everyone cut themselves a piece of the cake and took one bite and spat it out except Tomo. "Wow, this is great!" Tomo exclaimed putting the rest of the cake in her mouth and then passed out. "What did you put in this cake?" Yomi asked. "Well," Osaka replied, "Same old stuff, but the sugar was really expensive, like $400." "What?" Everyone yelled. "Uh…Osaka," Kagura said, "That wasn't sugar."
"Forget it," Chiyo said, "Let's bring in your gift Ms. Yukari." Just then two male strippers walked through the door. "What?" Ms. Yukari yelled, "Okay stop! This was all nice and stuff, but it's…"
"Ms. Yukari!" Yomi yelled, "Look." She pointed at the TV of the news report. The reporter said, "Japanese Radio D.J. Um…I can't seem to read the name. But anyway he's been accused of fraud and now all prizes given away are now void. If you received one of these prizes please contact the police immediately."
"Hey," Osaka said after a long awkward silence, "That's the guy that gave us the tickets. We should call the police or Mr. T or something." "No way," Yomi said, "How are we going to explain the crack cake?" "Well," Ms. Yukari said, "First we need to leave. Pack only the essentials!" Ms. Yukari picked up the mini-bar and walked towards the door. "But, Ms. Yukari, aren't you forgetting something?" Chiyo said, "You're right," Ms. Yukari said and then pointed to the strippers and said, "You two come with me!"
"No," Kagura replied, "How do we leave if we don't have plane tickets or a car?" "Hey look." Osaka said holding up a flyer. "It says here there's a police auction they'll sell confiscated items like clothes, electronics and cars!" "But, thanks to you and Tomo we don't have any money." Yomi replied.
"That's okay," Chiyo said, "I have this theory that Americans are so stupid you can lower the prices at auctions without them noticing." "That's a great idea," Tomo yelled getting up, "Is there any more of that cake?" "No!" everyone yelled in unison.
Everyone sat by each other at the auction until the auctioneer said, "Our next item for bid is this 1980 Chrysler mini-van. Do I hear $300?" "200!" Ms. Yukari yelled out. "Splendid biding!" the auctioneer exclaimed. "100!" Kagura yelled. "Okay," the auctioneer said, "I've got $100. Are there any other bids?" "$75 you foo!" Mr. T yelled. "What are you doing here?" Osaka asked, "Oh, never mind, $50!" "Anyone else?" the auctioneer asked. "$25!" Kagura yelled. "Oh my," the auctioneer replied, "25 going once, going twice…" "$1!" Tomo yelled. Everyone was shocked. "My goodness I've never heard a bid like that," the auctioneer said, "Going one, going twice, sold!"
Everyone started cheering. They loaded their stuff in the car as fast as they could and drove away quickly. "You foo!" Mr. T yelled at the auctioneer, "They just ran away buying a car for a dollar!" "Hey, you're right," the auctioneer said, "Come back here!" but they were long gone on their way to nowhere.
A/N: Well this has been chapter one of "The United States of Azumanga Daioh" If you want your state included in my story just write me an email and I might consider it. If you want more insight into my twisted mind give me some reviews!