The United States of Azumanga Daioh
Chapter 3
Sweet Southern Comfort?
Disclaimer: I don't own Azumanga Daioh, any of it characters or any of the many things I'm about to make fun of.
Ms. Yukari, Sakaki, Kagura, Yomi, Tomo, Chiyo, and Osaka were out on their long journey to get back home, but they hadn't thought about what home thought of their absence. They believed nobody noticed or cared…and they were mostly right. Tomo's parents had already turned her room into a bowling alley. But one man did care, one man was concerned, one man could help them, and that one man was the only person they never wanted to see…Mr. Kimura...
Mr. Kimura was sitting in a crowded airplane seat and held up a picture of a sleeping, drooling Osaka to the person next to him and said, "Have you seen this girl?...Yes…okay…thanks." "You're welcome," Osama BinLaden said to him holding a gun to his head, "Now if you'll excuse me…" "I'm in trouble aren't I?" Mr. Kimura said.
Meanwhile, on the road…"Yomi, I'm bored," Tomo said. "Can it!" Yomi yelled. Tomo started to cry and said, "I'm sad now, for the next few hours I'm just gonna cry and tell you all my problems." Yomi then totally annoyed shoved a poppy seed muffin in Tomo's mouth. "Mmmmmm, muffin…" Tomo said.
Then the car hit a sudden bump in the road. "What was that?" Chiyo asked. "I don't know," Ms. Yukari said, "It smells like we hit a skunk but feels like we hit a person. Either way, we got a flat." They pulled over and saw a sign. "Virwinia Neach." Tomo said with her mouth full. She pulled out what was left of the muffin and said, "Virginia Beach. Weird…"
They pushed the van the rest of the way into town and into the auto body shop. It was a great many hours of Tomo torment (and a few of Yomi's muffins) before the van was done.
Everyone was looking in every direction but they mostly only saw big resorts and ships the size of the city. "Wow," Tomo said to Yomi, "There's actually something in this world fatter than you." SMACK…HIT…BOOM! By the time she was done Tomo was out cold in the back seat of the van. "I should've thought of that sooner." Yomi said.
Ms. Yukari was going to pay the man and asked, "How much do I owe you?" "Well," he replied, "……………" His words were blanketed by the sound of a plane taking off. "What?" Ms. Yukari asked. The man replied, "I said '………..'!" Another plane took off as he was speaking. "Just keep the change!" Ms. Yukari said handing him a bunch of dollar bills. As she walked back to the van he yelled, "Thanks, …………" With yet another plane taking off.
"Hey, where's Tomo?" Kagura asked. "Uh…" Yomi replied, "She's taking…uh…a power nap…" "O…kay…" Kagura said. And they drove away leaving billows of dust behind them.
Meanwhile, with Mr. Kimura. Mr. Kimura was talking with two men (one dressed as a doctor, one dressed as a cop) in a dark alleyway in New York. Mr. Kimura pulled out a picture of Ms. Yukari with horrible looking hair and unclean teeth and asked, "Have you seen this person before?" "Yeah," the "doctor" replied, "We did a birthday party for her a couple weeks ago."
"Party…?" Mr. Kimura asked. "Yeah," the "cop" said now angry, grabbing Mr. Kimura by his collar and pinning him to the wall, "And, she didn't pay! So are you gonna pay me or not?" "Um…" Mr. Kimura said. "Oh, I've seen him like this," the "doctor" replied, "He's all built up with rage and sexual tension. He just takes it out the first person he sees." "Oh, boy." Mr. Kimura said nervously.
Before leaving Virginia Beach Ms. Yukari stopped to ask for directions. She asked a plump man who was spitting into a spittoon. "Sir, how do we get out of town?" He mumbled something and added, "It's not how to get out of town, it's where you should go." "Where should we go? Maybe a place more civilized?"
The man replied, "Well, we're south of the Mason-Dixie line so I don't know about that, but if you want a scenic place you could try colonial Williamsburg about an hour away from here." "Colonial?" Ms. Yukari asked confused. "Yeah," the man replied, "People pretend to be in the year 17 something and live without electricity, running water or indoor toilets." "Um," Ms. Yukari replied, "Isn't that why your people left Mexico in the first place?"
"Anyway," Ms. Yukari added, "Can I at least use your phone?" "You aren't listening," the man said, "You're in the south the closest phone is in Memphis west of here." "Thanks." Ms. Yukari said running back to the car. "What a weird person." The man said to himself.
They drove for hours until even Ms. Yukari admitted they were lost. "We should ask for directions." Osaka said. "There's nobody to ask." Sakaki replied. "Look over there." Kagura said pointing at a trailer close by. They pulled up next to it and Ms. Yukari said, "Who will go ask directions?" Osaka raised her hand and Yomi agreed to go and make sure Osaka didn't get lost. Immediately Tomo woke up and said, "A chance to annoy total strangers? Count me in!" "Why didn't you stay asleep?" Yomi said hitting herself in the head.
Yomi, Osaka, and Tomo rang the doorbell and Jeff Foxworthy opened the door. "Hi," Yomi said, "Do you know how to get to Memphis?" "You know you're a redneck if you have 50 cars that aren't mobile and one house that is." Jeff Foxworthy said as he opened the door wider and they walked in.
"Well," Yomi said, "We can't stay you see…" Jeff Foxworthy interrupted saying, "You know you're a redneck if the judge sentences you to 'the usual'." "Yeah," Tomo said then noticing a birthday card on the table that read "Happy Birthday Uncle dad." "That's weird." Tomo said then Jeff Foxworthy said, "You know you're a redneck if your family tree does not fork." "This guy's a total hick." Osaka said. "I agree," Yomi said, "Let's go."
They turned to leave then Jeff Foxworthy laughed and picked up his shotgun and said, "You know you're a redneck if you kill annoying Japanese kids!" he started firing at random hitting almost everything other than Tomo, Osaka and Yomi. "Hey Jeff," Bill Engvall said walking through the door and was immediately shot in the head. "It's an honor to meet you Mr. Foxworthy." Robert Tobias (me) said walking in the door also getting shot and yelled, "You shot me! I was shot by a national celebrity! I should sell this bullet on ebay!"
Tomo, Yomi, and Osaka ran back to the van and drove away as fast as they could. After they told their story Ms. Yukari said, "I guess we'll never make it to Memphis." "What's that?" Chiyo asked pointing out the window to a big city with a bunch of neon signs saying "Memphis". "Uh," Ms. Yukari said, "Anybody want to go to Memphis?" "Yay!" Everyone cheered.
Everyone split up to look around the city. (Pause! Tomo in a big city, by herself, without her leash this practically spells trouble in 40 different languages!) Sure enough five minutes later she ran into someone with black, gelled hair wearing a white suit, sunglasses, and a guitar over his shoulder. "Hey," Tomo said, "Haven't I seen you in some movie somewhere before?" "Thank you," he replied, "Thank you very much." "Are you Elvis Parsley?" Tomo asked. "You bet." He said smiling. Tomo cheered, "I have to show you my friends!"
Tomo ran back to the van and saw everyone back there before her. "You wouldn't believe who I met!" Tomo yelled. Then, she looked and there were people dressed like Elvis Presley. "What?" Ms. Yukari yelled. Then she raised her voice so loud that practically everyone in the city could hear her, "Who here is the REAL Elvis Presley?" At once everyone in the city raised their hands high in the air. "This is insane," Yomi said, "Let's get outta here!" Then a bell rung that everyone could hear and one Elvis yelled out, "Time to take our pills and sing 'Hound Dog'!" Everyone cheered, swallowed a pill and instantaneously passed out.
Meanwhile, with Mr. Kimura. Mr. Kimura showed a picture of Tomo in her regular hyperactive mood to Donald Trump and asked, "Have you seen this girl?" "Seen her?" he said angrily, "Why? Are you her father?" "No," Mr. Kimura replied, "I'm her teacher…." "Really," he said, "Did you teach her to publicly humiliate people? Didn't you know that that's my job? Mr. Kimura…you're fired! Security!" "No, wait!" Mr. Kimura said. Mr. Trump continued, "If he resists send him to the police." "No," Mr. Kimura yelled, "Not the police! Not again! No……….!"
While everyone sat in the van someone said, "Where are we going anyway?" "I'm not really sure." Ms. Yukari replied. "Hey everyone," Tomo yelled, "I found this old brochure and through all the mold on it, it says 'Visit New Orleans'. Let's go there! It says there's a bunch of stuff to do there!" "Sounds cool!" Kagura exclaimed. "I'm in!" Chiyo cheered. "Muhuvhvuh." Osaka said in her sleep. "Anywhere but here." Sakaki said. "Well," Yomi replied, "I can't argue with all of you." "Yay!" Tomo cheered, "Here we come New Orleans!"
They were all stopped in their tracks by all the destruction they saw. "Amazing," Tomo said, "Chaos, mayhem, death, destruction…what I'm doing to Tokyo they've already done to New Orleans!" Osaka looked at a small pamphlet and said, "It says here all this was done by someone named 'Katrina'." "Katrina!" Tomo yelled at the wind, "From now on we're rivals!" "Are you done with your rant," Yomi asked, "Can we go?" "I'm just getting started!" Yomi sighed and held up a muffin. "Oh……ah….." Tomo said shoving the muffin in her mouth. While she was eating Yomi hit Tomo in the head with a baseball bat knocking her unconscious. "That'll come in handy more." She said to herself.
And so the chapter must come to a close. I think they all liked the south about as much as they like the north. But it was time for all of them to continue their long adventures. With much good and bad…but mostly bad.
"Come back Kimura!" the "cop" yelled at Mr. Kimura who was now running away as fast as he could, "We haven't even done the cavity search yet!"
A/N: Okay, all the usual stuff: Review and tell me how u were totally offended and laughed ur pants off at the same time.