The United States of Azumanga Daioh

Chapter 4

Don't Mess With Texas

Disclaimer: I don't feel like saying all this so fill in the blanks I don't own XXXXXXXXXXXX or any of its XXXXXXXXX so go XXXX yourselves fanfiction and your stupid rules!

Sakaki, Chiyo, Kagura, Osaka, Ms. Yukari, Tomo, and Yomi were all riding in the car pretending to be interested but were all monumentally bored except for Yomi who was plotting her next attempt at killing Tomo when out of nowhere they hit a pothole waking Osaka up. "Oh, no! It's another Hiroshima!" Osaka yelled jumping up. "Calm down," Kagura said, "It's just a pothole; I think we lost a hubcap or three."

"Where can we get some new ones?" Chiyo asked. "Well," Ms. Yukari replied, "That guy there might tell us where we can find some." Ms. Yukari pointed to a large ranch. "Looks kind of familiar," Tomo said, "Let's go!"

Ms. Yukari pulled up towards the president's ranch and reached the gate and a secret service agent wearing a black suit and said, "Ma'am, are you aware this is private property?" "What'll we do Ms. Yukari?" Chiyo asked. "Relax," Ms. Yukari said, "I used to work for the Centennial Insurance Agency."

"Ma'am, do you speak English?" the man said. "Yes," Ms. Yukari replied, "I'm here with the CIA. I need to see the man of the house to use his phone." "Oh, I'm so sorry," he said opening the gate, "Go right ahead." Ms. Yukari drove the van up to the house. "Wow," the man said to another secret service agent, "That weird Japanese woman is going to destroy the world."

"It's amazing what they'll do for insurance salesmen these days." Ms. Yukari said as they all walked through the door, "Hey, wait, there are three different doors. We'll have to look behind each one."

Ms. Yukari opened the first door to see Ann Coulter arguing with Condelleza Rice. "I'm secretary of state!" Rice said. "Yeah," Coulter replied, "Well, I've written 4 books about how screwed up America is." "Oh," said Rice, "I'm African-American!" "Yeah," Coulter replied, "Well, I'm blonde!" Condelleza Rice started crying and Ann Coulter cheered, "I win again!" Ms. Yukari slammed the door shut.

Ms. Yukari opened the next door to see Dick Cheney holding up a picture of himself saying, "Oh yeah, you're doing so much great stuff in Iraq, oh and I heard you run a big name oil company. Hearing all this puts me in such a….loving mood!" Ms. Yukari quickly slammed the door shut. "Ms. Yukari," Chiyo asked, "What was that nice old man doing?" "I'll tell you when you're older!" Ms. Yukari replied.

Ms. Yukari opened the last door to see George W. Bush packing a suitcase accompanied by his wife. "So, George," Laura said, "Are you bringing Hopalong with you?" "Of course," George replied taking out a stuffed teddy bear with a cowboy hat on, "How could I oversee the Iraqi foreign legions without good old Hopalong?"

"Sir," a secret service agent said to him, "Air Force One has just been hijacked." "Put him on the phone!" Bush said. They put on the speaker phone and Bush yelled, "Identify yourself terrorist!" "Oh, hey," Bill Clinton said over the phone, "Just took old A F 1 out for the weekend…Oh, I'll meet you in the bedroom Monica, Hillary, and whatever your name was…Wahoo and this legally isn't sex!" Bush hung up the phone and said to the secret service agent, "Shoot it down!" Ms. Yukari slammed the door and said, "We don't really need hubcaps. I guess."

Meanwhile with Mr. Kimura…Mr. Kimura showed a picture of Yomi standing on a scale in her underwear to Ryan Seacrest and asked, "Have you seen this girl?" "That's a great voice you have." Ryan Seacrest replied, "If you complement my spiked, fake blonde Mohawk I can make you the next American Idol!" "Um….no," Mr. Kimura replied, "Have you seen her or not?" "Seacrest out!" Seacrest yelled running away. "What a loser." Mr. Kimura said to himself.

Ms. Yukari and everyone else were driving farther down their road to nowhere when they saw a homemade sign that said, "Free Country hospitality." "Wait!" Tomo said, "Hospitality usually means food and where there's food there's muffins!" "No way!" Ms. Yukari yelled, "Hospitality usually also mean alcohol!" "Actually, I agree with Tomo," Yomi said then bit her lip and started hitting herself, "I can't believe I really said that out loud!" "Aw," Tomo replied, "You really do love me!" "Don't push it!" Yomi replied.

They pulled over to a house in the small town and got out to ask one of the locals what all this was about. "Well," he explained, "Once or twice a month we all prepare a bunch of food and some homemade wine and have a party throughout the whole town." "See, I told you," Ms. Yukari said, "Nothing but alcohol poisoning your young minds!" "Actually," the man replied, "There's very little alcohol in the wine. It'd be more dangerous to your health eating poppy-seed muffins. You're all welcome to come. No charge." Everyone started cheering at the thought of free food…everyone except Ms. Yukari. "I still don't buy it," she said, "What's the catch?" "No catch," the man said, "We just stay up all night…eating…drinking…and listening to country music…"

car door slam fast skid marks of van driving away

All of them were going through San Antonio when they saw a band of fat people on a stage nearby them singing:

Bruce Springstien; Madonna

Way before Nirvana

There was U2 and Blondie

And music still on MTV

Her two kids in high school

They tell her that she's uncool

Cause she's still preoccupied…

With 19, 19, 1985

"Aw," Osaka said, "Look at the poor fat people who think they can sing." "Yeah," Tomo said, "My English is really bad but I think they're singing about an era totally forgotten and lost in time." Osaka threw some money at them right before Ms. Yukari pulled them both back into the van yelling, "How dare you mock those people." "Please…" Tomo replied, "They practically mock themselves."

Meanwhile, with Mr. Kimura…Mr. Kimura was on his hands and knees smelling the ground until he found a long single black hair on the ground. "Ah-ha!" he cheered, "This for sure is Tomo's!" "Hey," a man in the distance yelled, "That guy's got White House property! Get him!" "Oh, boy." Mr. Kimura said to himself as the secret service agents came closer and closer.

"Wow," Osaka said as they admired the view from the Grand Canyon, "It's so cool!" "I know," Chiyo replied, "But who's that guy?" Then out of nowhere M.C. Hammer appeared in front of them and said, "Oh, you know you…" "Wait!" Yomi yelled, "We already made fun of you in this fic!" "What?" he asked. "Yeah," she continued, "You can't appear again. Sorry, those are the rules." "Oh, yeah?" he said, "Can't touch this dadadada Heeeeeeeey. Can't touch this…." Yomi then pushed him over the side of the canyon as he screamed the last words of his dumb song.

Yomi then said, "And all you people reading this! This is called 'Don't mess with Texas' and we're way past Texas! So this chapter should be over right about………now! Goodbye!"

A/N: Okay u know the drill. So I won't repeat it and take up all you time. But Bowling for Soup is the awesomist band ever they're just easy to make fun of.