AN: Copyrights as usual- are not mine.
This came about because I've been absoloutely SICK of all the sudden Alt-Pairing fanfics- It's not good enough poor Ban-chan is always paired up with some terrifying Mari-su which suddenly earns the love of all the Seven. Oh no- the masses need to toss out a bunch of unnatural things along with- so this is more or less my own way of stress relief. I'm going to sit back and make fun of everyone.
And as if you couldn't tell before- I'm a Ban/Jak supporter- so with that in mind- I give you-
"Karakai"- Mockery
A parody ficlet by IPT.
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Ahem.
It was a bright and sunny day.
No- really, the sun was shining and everything. Birds were singing- all that good jazz. Bugs buzzing Rabbits- wait. No. Just...It was a nice day.
...You want to argue with me?
I thought not.
Moving right along. -
The Shichinin-tai didn't seem to be doing anything in particular- And were actually rather unconcerned with the fact that this happened to be the SECOND time they had defied all logical reasoning, and returned not only from death- but in several of thier cases- complete obliteration. (After all, Bankotsu and Jyakotsu had been pretty much absorbed in that whole 'Mountain of Flesh' incident.)
But no-one was terribly worried about that you see- because like we said before- it was a nice day- and thinking about deep and meaningful things wasn't exactly their forte anyhow.
Renkotsu was sitting alongside Ginkotsu, having been forgiven for that whole 'killing Jyakotsu' thing- because really, if you thought about it - he didn't -kill- him. And he wasn't about to push the fact that Jyakotsu had no idea another Shikon shard would have ended his likeness to a rather messy jigsaw puzzle.
So the two of them were simply enjoying this oh-so-lovely day- with Suikotsu sitting off to the side, quietly trying a bit of 'meditation' to come to terms with his other self- or something like that.
Kyukotsu was eating, which is absolutely nothing new- And Mukotsu was mixing his poisons. And because no-one seems to care about them- they don't need to be mentioned again for the remainder of this story.
Jyakotsu was reclined back across the porch of the mansion the seven had recently acquired for themselves- just sort of lying empty- war does that... Come to think of it- there seem to be an -awful- lot of abandoned and decrepit villages in Feudal Japan- Realtors could make a -killing.
- But Jyakotsu was laid back, silently pondering his own name, and trying to decide if it really was better dropping that elusive 'y' so many people seemed to either forget, or just pretend lacked existence- perhaps it did. Perhaps this letter- was only in his mind, and the minds of many Doujin-artists- and Viz publishing- ...We may never know- Jyakotsu certainly didn't.
Bankotsu was also on the porch, neglecting the sake which rested between them, which was unusual in itself. He looked terribly troubled, forlorn, lonely, - and a number of other verbs used to portray a state of unrest or poor mood.
To echo this point, he took in a breath, then released it in a deeply dramatic sigh. This of course, caught the attention of the other seven, which regarded him with looks of varying concern. Once it was apparent that he wasn't actually going to -say- anything- despite the fact he had a number of other men staring at him expectantly, Renkotsu ventured a query.
Shut your mouth. Venturing a query is a perfectly acceptable and fancy way to say 'he asked him a question'.
"Oo-Aniki? Is there something troubling you?"
After the author has displayed her grand grasp of the Japanese language- Bankotsu merely let out another long and pitiful sigh- which actually was beginning to get on Jyakotsu's nerves- interrupting his deep and meaningful musings of the 'y'. Not that he wasn't concerned for his friend- no- Bankotsu was surely the sole most important thing in his life-...er...lives...eh...well it really didn't matter. He was important.
Back to the tiny braided man.
...Well he -is- tiny. And come to think of it- one of the only Inuyasha characters that even LOOKS Japanese- ...They must figure him as a mutant- I mean, how DARE he- what? Oh yes!
Bankotsu was also in deep contemplative thought- and had been for quite some time. You see- in all his lives (Certainly a number which was steadily growing). He had been harboring feelings for his third in command. Yes- the feared leader of the Shichinin-tai, was in love with his most trusted comrade.
As if finally hearing Renkotsu- or perhaps realizing that the rest of them were getting tired of standing there and staring at him expectantly, he leapt up- taking on a very dramatic and stylized pose- really- the lighting for this scene is brilliant. You should see it. Take a moment to marvel at it.
Okay. Good.
But suddenly- and with no forewarning or really any particular reason considering that they hadn't even done anything which could remotely qualify as 'evil' since their second resurrection- Inuyasha appeared!
And since he's the title character, he outshone Bankotsu's pose with a nifty musical montage and several sharp angle shots- while the rest of the Inu-tachi just sort of stood in the background- looking unimportant. Because you know- none of THEM have a sword made from their father's broken out teeth which controls wind or...whatever it's supposed to do.
"BANKOTSU!"
The collective previously staring at Bankotsu now turned their heads to the hanyou, expressions blank as Tetseiga was pointed towards their leader.
"I knew I'd find you- Just what do you think..."
But here, his heroic monolog was cut short, as Bankotsu blinked, his expression almost comical.
"You did?"
The hanyou let his sword fall slightly, his ears twitching- which was met with a girlish squeal from Jyakotsu.
"Of course! I'm the hero! And I have those hanyou abilities! You know- the sense of smell, and the claws- never mind that dogs don't really use their claws in any sort of attacking maneuver..."
But he was cut short once again, as Bankotsu, expression almost pained turned back to the effeminate assassin beside him.
This accomplished two things- one- meeting the requirement of all Jyakotsu-oriented fanfics, and using the term 'effeminate'- and two, making all eyes focus once again on the shorter man while a dramatic score began to play in the background.
"Never mind that! Jyakotsu!"
Giving him a rather concerned look, still not quite sure about the y- after all 'Jyyaa' rolled so nicely off of Bankotsu's tongue...this thought in it's own bringing about delicious images, but 'Ja' was fairly simple- so still distracted, he replied with the ever intelligent-all-purpose-
"Mou?"
Suddenly Bankotsu's hands were clasping his own, the boys bright blue eyes looking up into his own, tears shining within them.
"I can't keep it inside any longer! Jyakotsu! Since the day we met- I've wanted you by my side- out of all my men- you are the only one I trust- and so- I find it only fair to admit my feelings for you- but I fear our love is not to be!" Here he choked on a sob. "There's someone else!"
Ignoring the expression of complete mortification on the taller man's face, he broke away, leaping deftly off of the porch, and holding out his arms. "Kagome!"
With a heartfelt sob of her own- the young girl propelled herself forward and into the mercenary's arms, soon locked in an embrace with the two of them whispering deep words of affection which made absolutely no sense to any of the others present.
Inuyasha and Jyakotsu were too busy gaping at the two of them to really process just what was going on- When Renkotsu finally found the courage to speak.
"But Oo-aniki... Until this moment- you have not so much as looked as this girl as anything but Inuyasha's wench- simply an obstacle in our previous goal..In fact- Until now- I don't even think you've said an entire sentence to her- I'm actually surprised you even knew her name."
Bankotsu however- paid him no mind, simply gazing deeply into Kagome's eyes- she seemed to have shrunk somehow to allow him to be taller- because everyone knows the girl MUST be shorter than the boy for any sort of pairing to work.
Sango decided- at this time, to assert her place once again as a strong female character, and -not- simply a convenient plot point, and add her voice.
"Kagome-chan! You can't be serious- He's our enemy- even if he and his army haven't done anything worth noting that we know of- and we have no idea why Inuyasha stormed off in this general direction- you couldn't possibly have fallen so deeply in love with him- Even if he is amazingly strong for a human- and his soul cries out for understanding!"
She fought back tears at this point- proving her strength- "It can't BE Kagome-chan! Think of Inuyasha!"
Hearing his name, Inuyasha snapped out of his brief trance, blinking at Sango- as if she'd grown another arm.
"Eh? What about me?"
This was completely disregarded of course- as suddenly, the hanyou was shoved roughly aside- falling none-too-delicately on his face as Jyakotsu made his way to Sango- eyes sparkling.He then grasped her hands, gazing deeply into her eyes.
What is it with these people and deep gazes? Does anyone ever gaze shallowly? Kami-sama!
"It may be true- I loathe women, and though I am obviously homosexual, with a severe blood fetish, and sadistic tendencies- I cannot deny any longer- I am hopelessly attracted to you- for reasons beyond my control...Sango- bear my children."
Ginkotsu, Renkotsu, and Suikotsu, all stared uncomprehending at the two couples, as Shippou, Kirara, and Miroku gaped- Inuyasha still splayed out on the ground- giving an almighty twitch.
Sango blushed, promise to Miroku completely tossed aside, as she looked away, whispering a soft acceptance of his proposal.
Bankotsu- pulled from his attention to his young miko- regarded his third in command and the demon-slayer met Sango's eyes as she cast them toward him- still glimmering with tears- They both knew their own love was impossible- neither wanting to hurt their friends.
Actually, how one can cast their eyes at ANYONE is beyond me- it sounds painful.
Renkotsu was slowly coming to the conclusion that -everyone- was insane, as Inuyasha- finally having drawn himself up from the dirt- merely 'keh-ed' at the pairs, and gathered Miroku into his arms before breaking into a run- in the direction of the setting sun-
Apparently this had all taken a terribly long while you see- because the sun was setting now.
Suikotsu finally seemed to give up- this- or his eyes simply got tired after all the staring, and turned to make his way back into the mansion, muttering about herbs, flowers, and some dead miko.
Ginkotsu- having remained rather quiet throughout this entire escapade- had set his good eye on his companion- with what seemed to be a mild hint of expectation... Renkotsu met his look with a scoff.
"What do you want me to do? Skip off and proclaim my devotion to Suikotsu?"
With the quiet chuckling- or 'Geshing' if you prefer...because the 'Gesh' just rocks- Ginkotsu replied met his question with an amused reply- not that it wasn't obvious with the laughter. "That seems to be the way things are going doesn't it?"
Shrugging lightly, and wondering briefly how everyone's vocabularies had become so vast, he finally clapped Ginkotsu over the shoulder. "Iie Koi- you know the only one for me is you... Let us go back inside before something more disastrous happens."
And with little more than another 'Gesh' they did.
And they all lived with sunshine and stars and butterflies and such nonsense.
The end.
...No. Wait.
A few hours after the sun had set- a womanly scream cut through the air- ...Womanly you see- because it wasn't really a woman- it was Jyakotsu. Apparently, he had come to his senses when Sango had finally gotten the two of them into a further state of undress.
Storming half-clad from the woods he had been spending quality time with the demon slayer in- he rounded on Bankotsu, who had Kagome pinned precariously against one of the village huts- Grabbing the younger man by his braid, he turned, and began storming off- the few sentences assertable being 'hotsprings' 'wash away filth' and 'have you screaming my name'.
The girls themselves, terribly confused, made their own way back to camp- which sported Shippou and Kirara- quietly nibbling apon some roast fish-
Don't you imagine they get SICK of it by now? It's -always- fish on a stick with them. Poor bastards.
Later- Inuyasha and Miroku joined them- though for the next two weeks- nither the monk or the hanyou would dare look at one another- and both stuck terribly close to their respective women.
Bankotsu on the other hand- finally returned early the next morning, sporting a discomforted walk, with a rather satisfied looking Jyakotsu at his side.
And no-one ever spoke of this incident again.
It was much better that way.
(End)