Disclaimer: I have not owned LOTR for, what, four chapters? What MAKES you think I own it now? I don't own anything I might throw in here either. As a side note, thanks to ArwenEvanstar83, I now know that I am extremely retarded and that it's Drualt, the LAUGHER, not laughter. Damned phonetic skills... Warning: Liana has an extremely foul mouth. I apologize for the shortness of the chapter. And remember, five reviews! So review if you don't want my army of toasters to - wait. Brianna melted those. I keep forgetting about my NEW army. My army of AIM guys with machine guns! Wait a second... she turned those into candy. (Shakes fist at sky) ONE OF THESE DAYS, BRI...
"I've endured happier things," I informed Stimpy from where he was in my messenger bag, "than Caradhras."
"I have as well," he said. "I think my tail has frozen off.
Up front, Frodo was talking to Gandalf about the Ring. Blahdy blahdy blahdy blah. We were almost at Moria, when–
"The walls of Moria," breathed Gimli.
"You interrupted the narrative!" I snapped. Gimli's awesome, but he has to learn when to speak and when to wait until the narrator had finished her sentence.
"What?" asked Gimli and Stimpy together.
"Oh, never mind..." Shaking my head angrily, I walked around talking to people as other people tried to find the doors. Stimpy settled on a rock, and Molly curled around Saria's shoulders, asleep. Saria walked up to me and stared me in the eye for about thirty seconds.
"Pastry products."
I looked back at her blankly. Once upon a time, I had laughed at that, but those days were over.
"Damn!" Saria yelled. "No one laughs at that anymore!"
"It's old, Saria." I almost laughed, but then I realized something. "OH GOD! SARIA! I JUST REALIZED THAT THE THREE-DISK SPECIAL EDITION OF TITANIC CAME OUT WHILE WE WERE HERE!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screeched both of us. We collapsed on each other, nearly sobbing.
"Dwarf walls," said Gimli over our wailing, "are invisible when wished so. Carefully hidden, even masters cannot find them, if their secrets are forgotten."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" muttered Legolas to Rodney.
"Itidin," said Gandalf quietly, running his hands over a section of the wall. "It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.
Badabing, here comes the moonlight! The door lit up.
"It reads-" began Gandalf.
"-the doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter." Amelia looked very proud of herself. "TWO POINTS FOR THE CHICKEN!"
"...Chicken?" Legolas dared to ask. Amelia, Saria, Antony, and I burst out laughing, while everyone else just looked uncomfortable.
"You speak Elvish?" Frodo asked her. Amanda started to nod, but I hit her in the knee (as I couldn't reach her head).
"No, she doesn't," I said.
"We just know things," said Saria.
"Except Antony," added Rodney.
"Shut up, Fish."
"What do you think it means?" asked Merry, trying to return normality to the conversation.
"Oh, it's quite simple," said Gandalf. "If you-"
"If you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors will open," Saria finished for him. He gave her a very piercing glare and put his staff on the door. Grinning, I sat to watch him act retarded.
"Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!"
I started laughing. I couldn't help it. He turned to me, angry. "And what, dare I ask, is so funny?"
"YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!" I sputtered around laughter. Rodney beaned me over the head with his bow. "OW! Hey, thanks... I needed that..."
"It made me feel better too," quipped Rodney, and I scooted away from him.
"Don't even think about it," I cautioned. "Keep that prissy bow to yourself."
"Prissy?" demanded Rodney. "You're the one with a white sword!"
"Yeah, and it kicks more ass than your brittle little twig there."
BONG!
"Ow!"
"Twig, huh?"
BONG!
"OW!"
Rodney rolled onto his side, clutching his head dramatically. I laughed maniacally, sheathing Bloodsnow. Hitting people with the flat of my sword was fun! But Rodney recovered very, very quickly and started cracking me repeatedly with the bow.
"OW! SHIT! QUIT THAT, FISH! OW OW OW! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! YOU FORGET WHO HAS A SWORD HERE! STOP HITTING ME SO I CAN GET IT OUT OF THE SHEATH!"
Ugh. Finally, I managed to get behind him and shove him forwards between the shoulder blades, causing him to whiplash a bit (he hates that) and I walked away, intending to bug someone else.
"Fennas nogrothrim, lasto beth lammen!"
"Yeah, Gandalf? That's not working." Gandalf pointed his staff threateningly at me and I clammed up. Merry and Pippin started throwing rocks into the water. Shit...
"Liana, I'm testing you," said Saria suddenly. "Richest."
"That's John Jacob Astor," I said, pointing to Rodney and completely forgetting about the rocks, "the richest man on the ship. His little wifey there, Madeline," (here I pointed to Antony; both looked livid) "is my age and in delicate condition. See how she's trying to hide it? Quite the scandal. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
I had just recited a part from Titanic, but the scream wasn't part of it. That was because Rodney and Antony, brandishing their respective weapons, were chasing after me. I ran past Merry and Pippin, who were throwing rocks into the pond thingy, and then over to Legolas, who was examining the walls with something close to distaste. Pathetically (yes, I am pathetic), I threw myself at him.
"LEGGYYYYYYY!" I screeched, hiding behind him. "THEY'RE TRYING TO HURT MEEEE!"
"Are they?" he asked, looking uninterested. "What did she do?"
"Something that made us angry," growled Rodney. Legolas looked at me, then back at them.
"Fair enough. Here, take her."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"It's a riddle!" Frodo said, shouting to be heard over the noise I was making. "Speak 'friend' and enter... what's the Elvish word for friend?"
"MELLON! DON'T KILL ME!" I screamed, hiding behind Amelia this time. The doors opened.
"Quit it, guys, we have to go see a bunch of dwarves," she stressed the word subtly enough that Rodney got it.
"Oh, right."
Antony would have a heart attack. Muahahahahahahahaha. No, actually that would be mean if I didn't tell him.
"Antony, if I warn you about this next part, promise not to kill me?"
"Sure, whatever..."
"That cavern placeybob is full of dead things."
"So why are we going in it?" Hah, his face was pale.
"Because the canon peoples don't know it's full of dead things."
"Oh."
"Yep." I paused. "Did you hear that?" A little swish of water... oh JESUS! I scurried up right behind my fellow hobbity ones, Antony a bit ahead of me. Everyone else was in front of the hobbit-types.
Gimli started rambling about dwarves and poor little dead animals being ripped from their bones and fire and whatnot, and blah blah blah, I didn't care. ("Quit yammering, furball, no one cares," snapped Rodney. The three elves and Gimli were not getting along.) Until–
"This is no mine..." Boromir began.
"Again, someone interrupts the narrative," I grumbled under my breath.
"...it's a tomb."
Gimli started moaning "No!" and I could SEE that Legolas, Rodney and Amelia felt bad, though I'd sooner die that admit it to them. Well, I just did admit it, does that mean I have to die now? ...Okay shut up.
"Goblins," spat Legolas, examining an arrow he had pulled from a skeleton's chest. Eww...
"We make for the Gap of Rohan," said Boromir grimly. Who put him in charge? "We should never have come here. Now get out of here, get out!"
We all started backing up. I felt something cold, wet and slimy wrap around my ankle and yank me off my feet, and I did the only thing my brain wasn't too scared to do:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
Legolas POV
A scream from Liana made us all start, and as we turned, she was being dragged into the water by a giant tentacle. As we rushed to help her, another twenty tentacles came up and one seized Frodo.
"First she becomes a hobbit, now this!" yelled Amelia, severing a tentacle that had wrapped around Antony. "Why does all the shitty stuff happen to Liana?"
"Because she's based on the author!" replied Stimpy, running towards the cave because he couldn't do anything to help. Saria ran over, put Molly next to Stimpy and came back to help.
"FUCKING SHIT!" I could hear Liana yelling. "PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN! FUCKING SHIT-BAG OCTOPUS!"
"QUIT CURSING OR WE WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP THIS AT PG-13!" yelled Saria.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Merry demanded. He had already picked up the language the five teenagers, plus their cats, used.
The two tentacles holding the two hobbits dangled their small forms helplessly over the creature's gaping mouth, and both screamed in terror. Liana stopped cursing and emitted a wordless screech. The scream was deafening everyone, as she had a rather high-pitched voice to begin with. Finally, Saria and Boromir severed the right tentacles. Liana tumbled into Aragorn's arms, and Frodo into Boromir's.
"LEGOLAS!" the latter called. I shot an arrow about a half a centimeter above his head and it hit the creature squarely between the eyes. Aragorn rounded up the dry hobbits and Liana's friends.
"Come on!" he yelled, running into the mines.
"INTO THE MINES!" Gandalf added. As we started running, the octopus, if that was indeed what it was called, pulled itself out of the water and tried to follow us. The doors of Moria crumbled behind us and we were sealed in.
"We now have but one choice," said Gandalf ominously. "We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things that orcs in the deep places of the world."
I nodded. I knew the creature of which he spoke. An enemy so deadly, so powerful, that death was–
Liana POV
Would ya shut up, Legolas? Jesus Christ SUPERSTAR, you're annoying. Anyway, Boromir put me down and the light from Gandalf's flameless candle or what the hell ever it was, and I ran to catch up with Amelia.
"I hate Middle Earth!" I declared. "First I become a hobbit and then I get PMS and then we have to go with the Fellowship and then I have to be carried by Legolas, even though he's sexy, AND NOW I GET ATTACKED BY THE FUCKING OCTOPUS! What next?"
I tripped over a skeleton and came face to face with the skull.
"I FUCKING HATE MIDDLE FUCKING EARTH!"