Disclaimer: LOTR? STILL NOT MINE! Gah... here you all are, a nice long chapter to make up for the previous ridiculously short one. No, no, no, I STILL don't own Lord of the Rings. JEEEEEEESUS! Sorry, but my Two Towers DVD isn't working and I just got my braces tightened and I am extremely P.O.ed. Okay, even though I only got four reviews for chapter 5, I'm posting chapter 6 anyway! You people better give me five reviews for this chapter, or I shall bring forth the Apocalypse! In other words, I'll discontinue the story. Makes you want to review, huh? (Evil grin)

Shout-Out for the chapter: SPECIAL CONGRATS TO MY CAMP/LORD OF THE RINGS/PHANTOM OF THE OPERA PAL, KATHLEEN, 13OURLADYOFSORROWS13, FOR BEING THE 30TH REVIEWER!

(From Last Time)

"I hate Middle Earth!" I declared. "First I become a hobbit and then I get PMS and then we have to go with the Fellowship and then I have to be carried by Legolas, even though he's sexy, AND NOW I GET ATTACKED BY THE FUCKING OCTOPUS! What next?"

I tripped over a skeleton and came face to face with the skull.

"I FUCKING HATE MIDDLE FUCKING EARTH!"

"Shut up, we have to be quiet," said Amelia in response.

"Hey ya know, we must be going by the movie, cuz in the book, FRODO screwed up and threw a rock into the water, thus drawing out the octopus, and MERRY solved the riddle."

"Don't talk so loud, especially about that," said Rodney. "One, we don't want to be killed by a bunch of orcs, and two, you could change everything if they knew they were in a movie.

"Retard," he added as an afterthought. I glared.

"You better shape up or I might just throw She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named(1) into the story too," I said.

(1 - Once upon a time, we were playing soccer in gym and Rodney accidentally kicked the ball into this girl's face and now she is out for revenge. The end.)

Rodney paled. "No, don't! I would... do something... that would... cause you pain!" he finished lamely. I pretended to tremble.

"I'm sooo scared. Amelia, Saria, Antony, Fish is going to hurt me! Waaahhh... OWW!"

I fell again as a certain elf hit me again with his bow, this time crashing right into Merry and Pippin, knocking them down. (Fangirls run to help them up screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!"; Liana and Lindsay, who are the same person, team up to form SUPER LI! Super Li brandishes sword. "BACK! BACK! BACK, I SAY!")

"Sorry, guys," I said, standing up and extending a hand towards Merry. But since he was bigger than me (FEH, EVIL HOBBIT-NESS) I wound up falling on the pair of them as I tried to pull them up... again.

Laughing rather cruelly, Rodney and Saria helped us up.

"Will you young ones please quiet down?" grumbled Gimli.

"OH, TERRIBLY SORRY, MR. GIMLI SON OF GLOIN!" I all but screamed. "IF YOU WANT ME TO BE QUIET, JUST SAY SO!"

"Valar!" groaned Legolas, clamping a hand over my mouth. "You're going to be the death of us all!"

And that was when I decided that my sole duty was to push Legolas to the brink of insanity before we reached Gondor. Yes, GONDOR, not MORDOR. I had no plans on going to Mordor any time soon. Let Frodo and Sam deal with the Evil Dude. Ooh, shit, Amelia would probably want to go with them.

"YEE-OUCH!" he yelped as I bit his hand. I started spitting.

"Ugh! Blegh! Yuck! Eww! Try WASHING your HANDS!"

"Stop yelling!" loudly whispered Merry, Pippin, Antony, Stimpy, Saria, Amelia, Rodney, Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Molly and Gimli at the same time. Hey, that was the entire Fellowship except me! THEY MUST LOVE ME SO MUCH!

Actually, no, they all looked about to kill me. Maybe they didn't love me as much as I thought.

Legolas POV

I did not like the look Liana gave me one bit. It was what I would eventually come to call the Smirk of Death. Even then, in that brief period of time when I believed her to be a perfectly normal human teenager, I became deeply frightened as she smirked at me.

"Legolas," said Amelia, walking up to me, "watch out. When Liana gets a look like that, it means nothing good."

Liana POV

I WANT MY POV BACK, YA STORY HOG! JEEEEESUS!

ANYWAY, we walked. And we're walking... and we're walking... and we're–

"Ow!" I yelped as some pebble-like thingybob whacked me in the forehead. I looked forward to see Antony, looking like he had made a major boo-boo.

"Sorry, Liana, I was aiming for Rodney," he said quickly, and the Evil Elf from Hell (Rodney, not Legolas) behind me threw a much bigger pebble-like thingybob back at the Retarded Human from Hell.

"Antony, I dub you Monkey Shit," I said. I think he was bleeding. Poor guy. NOT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (J/K Anthony!) He flipped me off.

So we came to these stairs, that were more like climbing a ladder. Jesus Christ SUPERSTAR, who CLIMBED this stupid thing? I didn't want to complain out loud, but when I almost slipped off, my diarrhea of the mouth came back.

"WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF PERSON NEEDS FREAKING STAIRS LIKE A GODFORSAKEN LADDER?" I screamed. Legolas, who was climbing up behind me (I was wearing pants, you pervert!), growled and seized my ankle.

"Liana, if you do not be quiet, I will throw you off the stairs."

"But there are not stairs, Oh Blond Tall Freak With Ridiculously Pointed Ears! This is a ladder!"

"Liana, I must ask you something. Do you know that you are a hobbit?"

"Please, darling, I do not wish to speak of it. The very KNOWLEDGE that I have become even SHORTER than I already was simply KILLS me inside!"

"I see. Do you know that hobbits have pointed ears, just... like... elves?"

"...Damn you."

In front of me, Pippin almost fell.

"Pippin," I heard Merry say, and he gave him a shove. Merry, now that he was actually taller than me, was hot. Well, he had always been hot, but now that he was taller than me, I wouldn't be made fun of (AHEM HEM, RODNEY, ANTONY AH-HEEEEMMMM).

I'm skipping the part where Gandalf brags about Mithril and crap, cuz I was on the About-To-Die side of BORED during his whole lecture and don't remember much of it. Not until we came upon the three doors where Gandalf decides to suddenly get Alzheimer's Disease and forget where we were did I snap out of my boredom trance.

"Are we lost?" whispered Pippin.

"No, I don't think we are," replied Merry. "Shhh, Gandalf's thinking."

"Merry."

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

"And for that, dear Fool of a Took, you receive what we call CANDY," I said, rummaging in my bag. "HOLY MERDE! I HAVE REESE'S!"

"What are Reese's?" asked Merry curiously.

"CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTERY GOODNESS!" I replied. Rodney, with his new elfy sense of smell, wrinkled his nose.

"Ew, peanut butter."

I threw half of a rather heavy metal pen at him (it had long since run out of ink). "Phooey," I said in a baby voice. And I pulled out the twenty-nine Reese's I had for some reason and pooled them between two of my fellow hobbit-ish organisms and myself.

"Heads up!" I called, and tossed one each to the rest of the Fellowship minus Rodney. "You know," I said to him, "I DO wonder what in the WORLD the drama club is going to do without Rooster and Grace in Annie this year."

"Yeah..." said Rodney, not really paying attention to what I was saying. Then, comprehension dawned on his face. "OH, SHIT! WE'RE GOING TO MISS THE PLAY! WE'RE LEADS, THEY CAN'T HAVE THE FREAKING SHOW WITHOUT US! AND DAMN IT, I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU HAVING TO PLAY SOMEONE WHO'S BASICALLY IN LOVE WITH GEORGE AND I DON'T GET TO SING EASY STREET AND– OW!"

"CALM DOWN, MAN!" said Saria. I threw the other piece of the pen at his head, and he calmed down a bit.

"And I'll have you know that I've been mad at George since September," I snapped. "When we were in Seussical, at CAP and I was in my retarded BRIGHT FRIGGIN' YELLOW Who outfit and he goes 'HEY LIANA TURN AROUND' so I do and HE TAKES A PICTURE OF ME WITH HIS CELL PHONE!" I got pissed off just thinking about it. "He still hasn't deleted it, you know, the picture."

"Wha'd I miss, mans?" asked a sleepy Molly.

"You missed Rodney freaking out," I said sharply. "That only happens every thousand or so millennia! You MISSED it!"

"Liana, do shut up," said Legolas and Stimpy at the same time. Sighing and popping the last bit of my Reese's in my mouth, I lay back, only to sit straight up as someone pounded me in the shoulder.

"THESE REESE'S THINGS ARE GOOD!" Pippin was yelling. I gazed at him in shock.

"It takes that little sugar for you guys to get hyper?" I asked in disbelief, switching my gaze to Merry, who was positively quivering with energy. "Jesus. No more Reese's. Hey, would ya lookit that, I rhymed." Then I looked down. "HOLY SHIT! YOU TWERPS ATE ALL MY REESE'S!"

Crap, I couldn't call them twerps. They were about six or seven inches taller than me. Damn it all...

"No more candy for you!" I smacked both guys upside their heads and sidled up to Aragorn. "Can you please not smoke in my presence?" I asked, putting on a high-and-mighty English-accented voice. "I find that the fumes that contain rat poison, nail polish remover and other icky things quite destroy my voice."

"Liana," said Aragorn, "it would be no tragedy to us if you lost your voice."

That FIEND! "Yes it would! Watch this!" I took a deep breath and put on my best Carlotta voice (from Phantom of the Opera). "THIIIIINK OF MEEEEEEEE... THINK OF ME FOOONDLYYYYYY WHEEEEEEN WE'VE SAAAAAAID GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!"

"DEAR ERU!" cried Legolas.

"REMEMBER MEEEEEEE ONCE IN AWHIIIIILE PLEASE PROOOOOOOMISE MEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU'LL TRYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"LIANA! STOP IT!"

Something heavy was thrown at me, and hit me squarely in a place that is really, really painful in girls. Yeah, THAT place, ladies.

"OOWWWWIIIIIEEEEEEE!" I screeched, looking over at... aha! The culprit was Amelia. I picked up the rock (it had been a rock) and lobbed it back at her.

Growling, I slunk away from people and pulled Bloodsnow out of its sheath. I decided that all my hair had to go. It was down to the bottoms of my shoulder blades and way too bushy to be manageable without daily showering (eww...). First I took the top part and cut it to the middle of my head, and the the bottom to the middle of my neck. Once that was done, I poured water from a water bottle all over my head and combed gel through it (how much stuff did I have in that messenger bag? The thing was bottomless!) Then I decided to show it off.

"Hi, Lego-Lass!" I exclaimed, walking over to him. He started.

"What happened to your head?" he demanded. Ooh, smooth.

"I cut my hair, you silly-willy walnut head!"

"Why in the name of Eru would you-"

"It was pissing me off."

Next I walked over to where Amelia, Rodney, Saria, Antony, Stimpy and Molly were. "Hey guys."

"Did your head get attacked by a lawnmower?" were the first words out of Stimpy's mouth.

"No." I stuck out my tongue. "Et nouse est dans Middle Earth, mon cher. 'Tis deprived of head-attacking lawnmowers."

"It's nous sommes, not nous est," said Rodney.

"Oh, shut up."

"You look like Amelia!" exclaimed Antony. Amelia whapped him with the feathery side of an arrow. "Ow! What? You do!"

"I tink it look nice," said Molly.

"Thank you, Molly," I said. "At least SOMEONE appreciates my subtle genius."

"How is that," asked Stimpy, pointing at my hair (or the lack of it) with his paw, "subtle?"

I was about to retort, but a certain old fart cut me off.

"Ah," said Gandalf suddenly. "It's that way!"

"He's remembered!" exclaimed Merry.

"No, he hasn't, he's a geezer," I said under my breath. Antony gave me a disapproving look.

"No, the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose."

"Told ya," I whispered to Antony. We headed down the tunnel-thing. For a friggin' long time.

"Oh, I wish I wish I were a fish for if I were a fish I wouldn't wish I were a fish for I would be a fish, hence I would have my wish," I sang.

"Hey, Rodney's a fish," said Antony.

"Well, you know, Magic Johnson..." began Saria, then, in front of me, she shook her head. "I got nothing."

"Too bad Colby's not here," I said. "She can rattle off anything for hours. Good old Colby.."

To my surprise, my throat kind of tightened a bit and my eyes teared up. I was really missing my friends.

"Liana, what's wrong?'" asked Amelia.

"I MISS COLBY AND KACIE AND DAWN AND SHAZIA AND NICOLE AND THE OTHER NICOLE AND THE OTHER NICOLE AND THE FOURTH NICOLE AND KELLY AND THE OTHER KELLY AND JACKIE AND SARAH AND BRANDON AND ANTHONY AND STEVE AND RAINA AND MAURA AND JANE AND ROSA AND CAITLIN AND JILLIAN AND KRISTIN AND SALLY AND KATHLEEN AND BRI AND-" here I paused for breath "-AND EVERYONE EEEEEEELSE!"

I started to bawl hysterically into Legolas's tunic, much to his (and everyone else's) disgust.

"MARY-SUE," accused Amelia, Saria, Molly and Stimpy at the same time. I grinned as Legolas pried me off of his clothing and bounded to the very front of the line, far, far away from me.

"No, I'm not, he was just the closest person because I had stopped and he kept walking."

"Behold," said Gandalf as we walked into the underground city place, "the great realm and Dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf!"

"Now there's an eye-opener and no mistake," breathed Sam.

I started humming the music from the soundtrack at this particular point in time, and was about to be murdered by two P.O.ed elves, two P.O.ed humans and two P.O.ed cats when–

"Hoh!" exclaimed Gimli, running towards the room which I knew was Balin's tomb.

"YOU INTERRUPTED THE NARRATIVE AGAIN!" I yelled before I could say in my mind, Liana, you are retarded. Stop talking. Whenever I warned myself against doing something stupid, the voice sounded eerily like Stimpy. Oddly enough.

"Well, we have to get ready to fight a bunch of smelly hyenas now," said Saria, shouldering her backpack and following the Original Fellowship (DUNDUNDUN) into Balin's tomb.

"What the hell did you just say?" asked Antony warily. Clearly he did not know the sound of a smelly hyena when he heard it. Or maybe it was because the ignoramus had never watched the movies? Well, whatever it was, the poor guy was clueless.

Gimli was kneeling at the tomb when we walked in. Gandalf was already reading from the book.

"We must move on," said Legolas, "we cannot linger."

"You JUST figured that out?" demanded Amelia.

"Liana. Saria. Amelia. Rodney. Molly. Stimpy. What. The hell. Is about. To happen?" growled Antony.

"Battle," I said quietly, not wanting any nosy blond elves (cough cough LEGOLAS cough) to hear. "Big, bloody battle."

"Anyone die?" he asked nervously.

"Almost," I said wistfully, and Amelia hit me with a rock. I was about to retort, but–

CLANG! BAM! BOOM! SMASH! CRASH! BASH! CLASH! CRUNCH! CRACK! BANG!

Pippin shuddered with every interjection (if you didn't know what that meant, brush up on your grammar). Once they had faded away, Gandalf looked livid, and Antony about to faint.

"Fool of a Took," the old geezer said quietly. "Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity."

Suddenly, we heard the drums and the evil cackles of Orcs On Crack.

"Ooh, shit," I heard someone mutter.

"Orcs!"

"Thank you, Sir Points-Out-The-Obvious-A-Lot!"

"LIANA, SHUT UP!"

"Jesus, that was the entire Fellowship minus me again, wasn't it?"

"SHUT UP!"

"OW! No need to get violent!"

"Get back! Stay close to Gandalf! Bar the doors!

As Gandalf sheparded us hobbit-types and Saria and Antony over near the tomb, Boromir was closing the doors, with Aragorn helping. Rodney and Amelia ran to help. We heard a roar.

"They have a cave troll," Boromir said dryly.

"Less talky, more blocky!" I said as Legolas tossed an axe to Boromir, which he used to block the door. Legolas grabbed Rodney's shoulder and Amelia's thrust them backwards.

"Stay close to Gandalf!"

"Stimpy, Molly, get into that crawlspace!" Saria yelled, pointing to it. Since they couldn't help us in the battle, the two cats obeyed.

"Let them come!" growled Gimli. "There is one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!"

Boromir and Aragorn finished blocking the doors and came back to where the rest of us were standing. The three elves had arrows nocked, Gimli's axe was nearly quivering, Aragorn also had a bow, and the rest of us had our swords (or in Antony's case, twin knives) drawn. Sting was glowing blue, and the rubies on Bloodsnow were casting a blood-red light.

"Well, that's convenient," I said.

Legolas managed to shoot an arrow into the little hole an orc had made, and a shriek of pain was heard. Aragorn shot into another little hole, but when Rodney and Amelia tried, the arrows simply stuck in the door.

"Damn," I heard Amelia mutter. But once the door broke down and all hell broke loose, she'd have plenty to shoot.

And speak of the devil.

"Prepare for hand-to-hand combat!" I yelled because I wanted to feel important.

Orcs spewed into the room, and the battle met head on. Ew, ew, and EW! These guys REEKED! Frodo, screaming, ran into the fray, followed by the other three midgets (who were, sadly, all more than five inches taller than I was) followed him. Yelling something in Spanish, Rodney joined the battle, closely followed by Amelia and Antony. Saria and I looked at each other.

"Ghandi would want it so," she said in an old-person voice. We ran into the fight.

"COMPLEMENTS OF THE CHIPPEWA FALLS DAWSONS!" I yelled as I stabbed at the first orc to get in my way. I managed to get Bloodsnow into his shoulder, but sadly, all I did was break his armor, without cutting his skin. "Aw, shit..." I dove between his legs like Sam was doing AT THIS VERY MOMENT with the cave troll, and grabbed up a rock. Weapon in hand, I jumped onto the orc's back and hit him with the rock, causing him to fall forwards. I yanked on his shoulder, pulling him back, and he landed, unconscious, with a thud. Feeling very proud of myself, I pulled Bloodsnow out of his shoulder and beheaded him. "Well that took longer than it should have," I mumbled, running to sever an arm off one of the orcs that was about to smash Merry's head in. While it became distracted trying to hurt me, Merry plunged his sword into the thing's stomach.

"Thank you, Liana!"

"You owe me!" I yelled in response. He ran to pull Frodo off to the side with Pippin, and I concentrated on my orcs. I looked up to see Legolas ducking as the troll tried to swipe his head off with the chain. "YEAH LEGSIE! WAY TO GO, LEGOLAS! GO LEGO! GO LEGO!" He ran up the chain and fired into the troll's head.

"YAHHH!" yelled Antony, slipping his twin knives into an orc's head.

"Having fun, Anthony?" I asked him, ducking as Rodney and Amelia shot volleys of arrows at oncoming orcs.

"Not really!" he replied as black orc blood spewed all over him.

I looked around to see if Saria needed any help, but she was doing great! She was surrounded by about six orcs, and four dead ones lay at her feet.

I heard the troll roar again, and saw Frodo playing hide-and-seek with it. Suddenly, some orc guy tried to grab my hair and instead just wound up smacking me in the back of the head, my hair too short to be grabbed with huge fingers in bulky armor. "WHO'S THE LAWN MOWER HEAD NOW, EH? I KNEW SHORT HAIR WOULD COME IN HANDY!" I swiped its head off.

"Aragorn!" I heard Frodo scream. "ARAGORN!"

"FRODO!"

Another orc came at me and I stabbed it through its... well... fill in the blank. It keeled over in agony and I plunged Bloodsnow into its back. As I was able to look up again, I saw Saria and Amelia fighting back-to-back. Rodney had climbed up one of the pillars and was shooting arrows from above.

"JESUS!" I screamed as one landed about an inch away from my feet. "WATCH IT, FISH!"

He pointed the next arrow at me threateningly, and I yelped, diving out of the way. Of course, I dived into another orc.

"YEEK!" I thrust Bloodsnow into its neck. Finally, I heard the grunting noise from Frodo that meant the battle would be ending soon. I looked up. Merry and Pippin were looking at each other in horror.

"AAAARGH!" they both yelled, jumping onto the troll. The canon Fellowship, along with Antony, began fighting with a newfound fervor, until everything except the troll was dead. As I watched, it grabbed Merry from its back and swung him around, the latter screaming his head off.

"HA!" yelled Rodney, shooting an arrow at its tail. It threw Merry at him, much to his dismay. Hobbit crashed into elf, and both tumbled towards the ground.

"FIIIIIISH! YOU FELL!" I laughed at him as he stood up blearily. "Is Merry okay?"

"I think so," Rodney said, leaning down to shake his shoulder. Merry sat up dizzily.

"I'm all right... Rodney's head broke my fall," he said, grinning weakly. Then he saw Pippin stab the troll in its neck. "GO PIPPIN!"

Legolas shot up its throat.

"GO LEGGY!" Merry and I screamed at the same time. We met each other's eyes and smirked the Twin Smirks of Evilness. A certain elf was not going to keep his sanity for much longer...

The troll fell, dead, and Pippin lay there on the ground, stunned.

"Frodo!" wailed Amelia, practically throwing herself at him.

"Okay, stop with the dramatics, Drama Queen," I snarled rather nastily. Everyone turned to me, angrily.

"What is wrong with you?" demanded Stimpy, coming, with Molly, out of his crawlspace.

"What?" I said. "We all know he'll be okay."

As if on cue, Frodo sat up, coughing and groaning. "I'm all right," he said. "I'm not hurt."

"You should be dead," said Aragorn in relieved disbelief. "That spear would have skewered-"

"Stimpy!" I said. He hissed at me. "What? You're fat!"

"I think that there is more to this outfit than meets the eye," said Gandalf knowingly. As Frodo unbuttoned his shirt to show us his Mithril bra, I shook my head as Amelia squealed.

"Ew," I said. (Author's Note: Okay, quick anecdote. Once upon a time, Liana and Amelia were at lunch and Liana, in all her intelligence, realized that Elijah Wood's initials were E.W., hence saying EW whenever he was talked about.) "Amelia, you called ME a Mary-Sue."

"Shut up, Liana."

And then the drums again.

"Ooh, shit, here come the hyenas," said Rodney very uncharacteristically.

"Hyenas?" asked basically everyone except me, Stimpy, Molly, Amelia, Saria and Antony.

"Never mind..."

"To the Bridge of Khazad-Dum," said Gandalf quietly.