Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR, I'd write it in the morning, I'd write it in the evening. All over this land I'd write out danger! I'd write out a warning! I'd write out the love between my brothers and my sisters... all over this land. (That's a song with its lyrics changed, which I don't own) But I don't. I don't own Titanic either.
(From Last Time)
And then the drums again.
"Ooh, shit, here come the hyenas," said Rodney very uncharacteristically.
"Hyenas?" asked basically everyone except me, Stimpy, Molly, Amelia, Saria and Antony.
"Never mind..."
"To the Bridge of Khazad-Dum," said Gandalf quietly.
"RUN FOR IT!" I yelled as Gandalf led the way out of the friggin' tomb room place thing. Stimpy and Molly ran at the front with him. Unfortunately, I was probably the worst runner there. Saria wasn't great either, but as she was not a hobbit, my legs were shorter than hers. Rodney, I knew from his many laments about not being able to run unless he stretched as we ran laps in gym, wasn't very fast, but as he was an ELF (haha! I have no idea why that is so funny...) he could barely jog, and be in front of all of us except perhaps Aragorn and Legolas.
"Oh, shit, I can't run," I moaned. "In through the nose... out through the mouth... in through the nose...EWWW!"
More spider-ish orc things were crawling from the floor and the ceiling and I felt like we were in that movie Alien, where they're trapped in space with an alien in the ship. Ew. Only we had about a million aliens.
"BREATHE, LIANA, BREATHE!" I yelled at myself, fighting not to fall behind. Jeez, all the shitty stuff did happen to me.
Soon enough, we were circled, and even though I knew what would happen, I was scared out of my mind. I mean, duh. Even though the spider-ish orc things wouldn't end up killing us, the Balrog might, or I might fall off the stairs.
"SQUAWK! CACKLE! REEEET!"
"OO!" The Balrog noise sounded.
The corridor at the back of where we were lit up, and all of the orcs ran away. Gimli started laughing at them, but us people who knew what would happen were scared out of our minds.
"What is this new devilry?" asked Boromir quietly. Gandalf had this vacant, WE'RE DOOMED expression as if he had been whacked by a hammer.
"A Balrog," he said ominously. "A demon of the ancient world..."
"Leggy?" I asked, walking up to him. He looked scared.
"This foe is beyond any of you," continued Gandalf, still looking as if he had gotten clobbered in the head. "RUN!"
"Shit!"
We kept running. When we got to the Place of Death with all the stairs and Boromir almost fell, Antony looked like he would faint or purposely throw himself off the stairs or something.
"Lead them on, Aragorn," I head Gandalf order raggedly. "The bridge is near!" Then, "DO AS I SAY! Swords are of no more use here!"
"Although I wouldn't mind a helicopter," I muttered to nobody. We started running down the stairs and Legolas did his cool little jump-from-one-staircase-to-the-next thing. I was dizzy. The pit below was bottomless and I didn't fancy falling down it like Gandalf.
OH, SHIT, NOW I WAS TALKING LIKE THEM! I DIDN'T FANCY? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
(Regains composure) All good now.
We came to the gap that was about five feet wide. As I had only gotten 3.5 feet in our distance test in school last year, I was feeling very doomed. Legolas jumped across, closely followed by both cats, Rodney and Amelia. The younger elves ran over to the back of the staircase they were on, where they wouldn't be in the way.
"Gandalf," said Legolas, beckoning him over. Gandalf jumped across next.
"Oh, shit here comes the-" FWISH! ZHING! Arrows were flying at us. Rodney and Amelia wasted no time in running to the back of the stairs and firing arrows right back at the remaining evil hyena orc things. I was surprised when Rodney's arrow hit one of them right in the stomach.
"My aim's off," he said, shaking his head. "I was aiming for his throat."
"Saria, jump!" called Legolas.
She looked over the space, nervously biting her knuckle. "You're biting!" I accused her. She stopped.
"FOR GHANDI!" she yelled, jumping across. Legolas caught her and she joined Amelia and Rodney, dodging arrows, and at times, blocking them with a sword.
"Antony, you next!"
Looking like he wanted to die, Antony jumped just as a piece of the stairs broke off, elongating the gap about two feet. He landed safely and nervously joined the other members of our posse. I suddenly realized that I was standing next to Pippin... with Boromir behind us...
"Pippin! Liana! AAAAGH!" Boromir jumped across with Pippin and I, crumbling more of the stairs. Aragorn quickly tossed Sam and Merry over, and made to toss Gimli.
"Nobody tosses a dwarf! YAAAGH!"
I was running towards the rest of my posse (hah, yeah, right...) and didn't see what was happening, but I played the part in my head, grinning as Gimli yelled, "NOT THE BEARD!"
So Frodo and Aragorn did their little steer-the-stairs-toward-the-other-stairs-and-land-safely-therefore-defying-all-laws-of-realism thing, and soon enough we were back on our not-so-merry trek to the bridge. I was scared shitless as we ran.
"Over the bridge!" yelled Gandalf, stopping short. "Fly!" We ran past him. And presenting, ladies and gentlemen, the Balrog of Moria!
"SWEET MOTHER OF SHIT!" I heard Saria yelp.
"As we say in Jamaica, man... RUN!"
"How would you know? You haven't been to Jamaica since you were a kitten!"
"Less wit' da talkin' and more wit' da runnin'!"
We ran over the bridge, Merry skidding in front of me and almost falling (HE DOES THAT IN THE MOVIE) but we all made it across. All, that is, except Gandalf. The old fart stood with his sword in one hand and his staff in the other.
"You cannot pass!" he yelled.
"GANDALF!" screamed Frodo.
"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun!"
The Balrog brought his fire-weapon-thing down on Gandalf, who had encased himself in this odd dome of light thing. I glanced uneasily around at the people from the actual movie. Six of us seven "real" people knew what would happen... but the original Fellowship, and Antony, had no clue.
"Go back to the Shadow!"
Antony was pale. Pippin looked like he wanted to cry.
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
Merry had one hand on Pippin's shoulder comfortingly, but he was scared too. Sam was wide-eyed, and Frodo beside himself. The bridge shattered, and Gandalf stood with his back to us. I played the scene in my head as the Balrog flicked its whip upwards and curled it around the wizard's ankle, pulling him down. He held onto the bridge, trying to no avail to pull himself up. As he realized it was useless, he stopped.
"GANDALF!" screamed Frodo again, trying to run back to help him, but Boromir held him fast.
"Fly, you fools!"
And then he let go.
"NOOOOOO!" screamed Frodo, clawing at Boromir, as the latter was holding him in place. Boromir hoisted him into his arms. "NOOOOOOOO!"
"ARAGORN!" yelled Boromir over Frodo's cries of distress. I tried to ignore it, to shrug it off, but he was right to be screaming. If I'd been him...
Snap out of it, Liana, we hate Frodo, remember? He sent Sam away? He almost KILLED Sam? He didn't BELIEVE Sam?
My head was spinning. I didn't know what to think. I suppose it showed on my face, because–
"That'll be the shock of losing Gandalf, Liana," said Stimpy's voice, and for one bizarre moment, I thought it was that voice that I used in my thoughts when silently chiding myself. We ran out of Moria, onto the rocky terrain that was the bottom of the mountain. "You knew he was going to go, but you didn't really think... you know?"
I nodded. Why was I so sad? I knew that he didn't REALLY die. We all found our little places to sit, and the seven of myself, Saria, Amelia, Antony, Rodney, Molly and Stimpy sat together.
"Did that really just...?"
"No, Antony," Amelia said. "Gandalf survives and becomes more wizard-ish and powerful... but ya can't tell anyone."
Antony nodded, looking happier. "Right. How does he survive?"
Amelia and Stimpy set to work explaining what happens with Gandalf, while Rodney twiddled with his bow.
"Geez, a little obsessive there?" I asked him. "You friggin' slept with the thing next to your pillow. I meant to make fun of you about it, but there wasn't time."
"It's weird," he said, totally ignoring what I had just said (rudeness!). "We knew he was going to fall, but... I dunno, now that it did happen..."
"Well, he's happily falling into the land of Balrog-fighting-free-falling-snow-ish things, so he's good," I said.
"And Ghandi's helping him," added Saria importantly.
"Legolas," said Aragorn. "Get them up."
"Give them a moment, for pity's sake!"
Yeah, blah blah blah.
"Shut up, Bigmouth," I muttered to no one.
"Yeah, let's just get to Lorien already," added Saria. We shouldered our packs (Stimpy decided to hitch a ride in my messenger bag again) and moved off.
We splashed through that stream that Aragorn goes through and stares at the woods in the movie, and somehow or another, I got drenched as Antony mysteriously pitched forward into the water.
"WATCH WHERE YOUR TRIPPED VICTIMS FALL, FISH!" I yelled at Rodney, shaking off my wet hair at him. He grinned innocently, fooling let's see... (counts on fingers) NO ONE!
"Who, me?"
I tried so hard to trip him, but since he was a god damned elf, he didn't fall.
"CHICKEN!" yelled Amelia out of nowhere. "Random..."
Both she and Antony started laughing their asses off. Saria joined in, and both the cats, and me, and soon enough, Merry and Pippin. Rodney started laughing too, but more out of "wow, you guys are pathetic" than "HAHA THAT WAS FUNNY." Mean...
"Come, young ones!" called Aragorn. "Amelia, Liana, Saria, Molly, Stimpy, Antony, Rodney, Merry, Pippin. We must move."
We jogged (sped) across the big happy field (of death). Rodney was running with Legolas and Amelia, as the three elves were ahead of us all. Aragorn and Boromir were right behind them, and the rest of us lagged behind.
"Can't...breathe...esophagus...burning..."
"Must...not...collapse..."
"Fat...cat...in...messenger bag... not... helping... run..." Stimpy jumped out, looking haughtily at me, and I grinned. "Thank...you...Stimpy..." He looked put out and ran ahead of where Gimli, Saria, Antony, Merry, Pippin and I were at the very back of the group. Molly was alongside Frodo and Sam, talking to them comfortingly in her Jamaican accent.
As soon as we got into the trees, I lay down flatly and refused to move.
"So...tired...can't...move..."
"Ah, come on, Liana," said Saria bracingly. Obviously annoyed, the "senior" members of the Fellowship came over.
"We must move," said Legolas. I shook my head, tired out of my mind. "Well then, Liana, you have a choice. You may walk into Lorien, or you may have your unconscious body carried into Lorien."
I jumped up. "You wouldn't!"
He smiled rather evilly. "I would. Move."
Well, I swear. Huffing, I walked alongside Merry and Saria, with Pippin on Merry's other side. The four of us exchanged glances and grinned. Time to bug a certain blond elf.
"Hey Leggy, we need a new nickname for you," I said, sidling up to him.
"No, Liana, I could write a book with all the nicknames you have given me," he replied.
"What should we call him, Liana? Saria? Pip?" asked Merry.
"Well, we can't call him Ghandi, or Magic Johnson, or Bill Cosby, or William Shatner, or-"
"How about Blondie?" I suggested, interrupting Saria. "Actually, no, that's much too flattering."
"I've got it!" exclaimed Saria, not bothered in the slightest by the interruption. "...No wait, I lost it."
"Damn it."
Legolas raised an eyebrow at us, and I grinned sweetly, nearly walking straight into an arrow.
"JESUS!" I screamed. The elf holding the bow jabbed it at me and I squealed, jumping back. I looked around. Saria was looking mildly surprised (I had gotten distracted and totally forgotten about the Lorien elf peoples), Merry and Pippin scared out of their minds, and Legolas alarmed.
"That dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark," said Haldir, striding out of the woods like some king dude or whatever.
"Yeah well... you people are... um, blond? Except those guys-" I pointed to one of the elf archer peoples, who had dark hair. Another guy had hair that was lighter than the first's but still not blond– "OH MY GOD, BRENDON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"Liana! Amelia, ohmygod! Saria, Rodney, Antony! How the hell did you get here?" Brendon was here! And he was an elf, too!
"Wait - Liana?" The other guy, with lighter brown hair, lowered his bow. He wasn't an elf at all, oddly. But it was another guy I knew.
"JOHN! YOU'RE HERE TOO! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE LISSA'S BAT MITZVAH!"
"STALKER!" yelled Amelia. Stalker was Brendan's nickname. He had gotten it because we were at the Valentine's Day Dance in seventh grade and he kept taking pictures of us with his cell phone.
"No, it's Monkey Dude!" And he's been trying to get us to call him Monkey Dude instead of Stalker.
"John, THIS is Saria, and THIS is Rodney and THIS is Antony and THIS is Stimpy and THIS is Molly - yeah, they can both talk - and THIS is Amelia, and THESE are Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam and Boromir!" I was introducing him, in case you couldn't tell. "Guys, this is John, and that's Brendon, but we call him Stalker!"
"MONKEY DUDE, DAMMIT!"
"More children from your world?" asked Legolas disbelievingly, and I nodded happily. John seemed excited about something.
"Liana, Lissa's here, too, and her cat - Hobbit - and he can talk like Molly and Stimpy! And more people who say they know you - Raina and Jen-"
"Wait." I was stunned. "Is Jen really skinny and does she talk obsessively about Whose Line?"
"Yes."
"And is Raina infatuated with Drew Fuller?"
"Yes."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" I screamed. I ran up to Haldir. "I WANNA SEE MY FRIENDS, DAMMIT! WHERE ARE THEY STAYING?"
Legolas strode up to me and seized the collar of my cloak. "Liana, control yourself. There are more of you?"
"YUH-HUH!" I turned to Amelia and Saria. "Guys, you remember Melissa, Lissa for short, from when we went to the fair?"
"Yeah, of course!" exclaimed Amelia. Saria nodded. And yes, Lissa does have a cat named Hobbit. What a coinkidink, eh? "And Jen's here too!"
"And Raina!" added Saria. "This is so cool!"
"Well, before we can take you to meet your friends, young travelers, we must find a talan and stop for the night." (Author's Note: I know this happened differently in the book, but I DON'T CARE! So if I get any reviews telling me that it happened differently, I shall be very put out. And before they actually got to Lothlorien, you see peoples asleep, with Aragorn arguing with Haldir. So there.)
The elf people started climbing trees, and a ladder was thrown down from one. Legolas immediately started up it.
"Liana, Saria, Amelia, Molly, Stimpy, Rodney and Antony will sleep up here," he said. Jon and Brendan cleared their throats expectantly.
"Haldir, can we stay with our friends?" asked Brendon.
"I suppose you must," replied Haldir easily. Well, that wasn't hard. As I started up the ladder, I was grinning my ass off. Could Middle Earth GET any better?
Apparently, it could. Once we were all up in the talan, Saria was digging around in her backpack. Suddenly, I heard her scream.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"What? What? What is it?" everyone asked, or words to that effect. Saria pulled a portable DVD player out of her backpack.
"AND THAT'S NOT ALL!" she was practically screaming. She then brought out–
"TITANIC!" we both screamed, hugging each other. Molly groaned, Amelia squealed, Rodney, John and Brendon sighed and Antony just looked weirded out. Saria immediately put the disc in and we yelled at everybody to either shut up or die.
One Movie Later...
Saria, Amelia and I were sobbing. Titanic, for all of you people who live under rocks, is the SADDEST movie ever made. One of the BEST, yes, but it was so sad.
"I'll never let go, Jack!" we all whispered at the same time. "I promise!"
We all started crying at different times. Saria started as soon as Rose started singing "Come Josephine," I started when Jack sinks under the water, and Amelia started when the camera is screening past Rose's pictures right before she dies and marries Jack. By the end, though, we were hysterical. Everyone was either shaking their heads or fighting back tears. However, this holds no relevance to the plot. But I don't care. Titanic is one of the best movies ever made