Things get more interesting, and a little raunchier. All tasteful and in good fun, I swear! Pizza Cats honour :)
Everybody 'Talks'
Narrator: After Guido fled from the Parlour like a big frisky WIMP, he bumped into Speedy on the street. Speedy, by the way, appears somewhat … dishevelled.
Guido: Dang, Speedy … (giving Speedy a harsh look-over) … did Lucille explode near you this morning?
Speedy: (disgruntled) No! I just finished my delivery, and Francine aimed for a building as usual! You'd THINK she'd be more thoughtful considering –
(Speedy's about to refer to Francine's letter, but stops himself before going further)
Speedy: Ah … never mind! He eh! No need to go there …
Guido: (whose thoughts are firmly on Polly's letter) Well, seeing as I've run into you … Speedy, can we talk?
Speedy: Don't girls use that line?
Guido: Speedy!
Speedy: Sorry. Actually, I have to talk about something too … but you go first.
Guido: Okay. Geez! Where do I begin … (nervously rubbing the back of his neck) … ah, okay! What would you do, hypothetically, if a person you considered a good friend … an attractive friend … (losing concentration) … a really attractive friend … it's not like you haven't entertained the idea before! All those times alone in the Catatonic, you're bound to –
(Guido stops talking when he catches the puzzled expression on Speedy's face)
Guido: Eh, I mean … (retracing his words) … what I'm trying to say is, how would you feel if a friend wanted to …
Speedy: … to?
Guido: … take your friendship to the next level.
Speedy: What kinda level?
Guido: (cutting to the chase) The casual sex level.
Speedy: The casual WHAT!
Guido: ('sshhing' him) Pipe down, dude! The extras are listening … (peering around at the people passing by)
(Much to Guido's annoyance, Speedy has started giggling)
Guido: What's so damn funny?
Speedy: You said sex! No one says 'sex' on this show!
Guido: (rolling his eyes) Speedy, how old are you? I say sex and you turn into a school girl!
N: Let's force him into a Sailor Moon outfit!
Speedy: (talking back at Guido) Nuh uh! You're the girl for using the 'can we talk' line!
Guido: Are you gonna be serious?
Speedy: (giggling some more) Sorry, sorry! I'm over it. But Guido, buddy! I didn't know you found me attractive … (laughing) … I'm flattered!
Guido: I wasn't talking about you, you bonehead!
Speedy: What, I'm not good enough for ya?
Guido: FORGET IT! Forget I said anything.
(Guido's walks away from Speedy in a temper. Speedy calls out after him)
Speedy: Aw Guido, come back! I was only kidding! I still need to talk to you … GUIDO!
(Guido ignores him)
Speedy: Fine, be that way! Who's the school girl now?
(Standing on his own with his pizza basket, something suddenly dawns on Speedy … in reference to what Guido has just said)
Speedy: (retrieving Francine's letter from the pizza basket and reading out the line in mind) 'I want to take our friendship to the next level' … wholly litter box! Did Francine get Guido to ask me if I wanted to … dear GOD!
N: She did indicate you'd be having kids.
Speedy: Yeah, but not until the third year!
N: So she wants to start early. Quit your whining and put on a Sailor Moon outfit already!
Speedy: (ticked off) YOU -
N: (interrupting) MOVING ALONG! Let's see how Polly and Francine's talk went.
Polly: Sure we can talk Fran! You read my mind.
Fran: I did?
Polly: (sitting up on the front bench) Truth is I'm dying to talk to somebody too! But you brought it up, so you start.
Fran: (nodding) Okay then! Erm … (pacing herself) … let's see. Imagine a friend! Someone you know well – or at least you thought you knew well – revealed out of the blue that he secretly …
Polly: (ears perking up) … secretly what?
Fran: … wanted to be more than your friend.
(Polly abruptly topples off the bench)
Fran: POLLY!
Polly: (bolting up again, flustered) What do you MEAN what if a friend secretly wanted to be more than your FRIEND! You've talked to Speedy, haven't you?
Fran: Speedy? No. Why?
Polly: (holding her by the collar) Fran, don't cover for him! What's he told you? What's he said about me?
Fran: Cover for what? Polly … (pushing her away) … what's gotten into you? I wasn't talking about Speedy, I was talking about –
(On cue, Guido enters the Parlour. He's followed by Speedy a beat later. Everyone stands frozen in their tracks, staring at each other)
N: Awkward much?
Fran: (breaking the silence with a high-pitched voice) I ah, got some new pizzas for you guys to deliver!
Polly: (overly keen) GREAT!
Guido: (also overly keen) COOL!
Speedy: (even keener) SUPER! YAY! I'M SO EXCITED! WOOO!
N: Dumb it down!
Confrontations
Narrator: The first 'confrontation' occurred around lunchtime. Predictably, Speedy snuck time off work to charm Lucille – and by 'charm' I mean make stupid faces at her and foam at the mouth.
Speedy: I do not foam at the mouth! Lately … besides, I need something to get my mind off my supposed 'life-partnership' with Francine!
(Scene: Speedy prances up to Lucille outside her tea house)
Speedy: Hey Lucille!
Lucille: (happy to see him) Speedy! Another break from work?
Speedy: Nope, but that's never stopped me before!
Lucille: (giggling) Oh, Speedy! Any stupid faces for me today?
Speedy: You betcha! I've been practising.
N: What an ideal time for Polly to be passing by. Predictable yes, but ideal!
Polly: (catching him in the act, enraged) SPEEDY!
Speedy: (cross-eyed with his right leg over his shoulder) Polly! Ah crap …
Polly: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH LUCILLE?
Speedy: (afraid) Nothing! Saying hi, stretching my leg …
Polly: A LIKELY STORY! And I suppose she got a letter TOO!
Lucille: Are you talking about my bank statement?
Speedy: I was only stoppin' for a minute Polly, honest!
Polly: Pickled eggs? Sodium? Chow in the chowder? DO THESE WORDS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
Speedy: Ah … (utterly confused) … yes?
(Losing her temper, Polly karate-kicks Speedy in the head and knocks him down flat)
Polly: JERK!
(Polly stomps away, fuming)
Speedy: (lying on the ground, with a lump growing on his head) I think I gave her the wrong response … (wince!) ... I also think I need a first aid kit.
Lucille: Sodium is a preservative!
Speedy: (vying for medical attention) Lucille!
N: This brings us to the second confrontation! Taking place at the Parlour where Guido has recently returned, after his lovers spat with Speedy.
Guido: Fran, got any deliveries on standby? I'm good to – WO!
(To Guido's surprise, Francine grabs him by the wrist and leads him into the kitchen)
Francine: This way!
Guido: Am I being offered a choice? What are you –
(Surprising Guido further, Francine forces him into a confined and stuffy broom closet, before shutting them both in)
Guido: It's dark in here! OUCH!
(Francine promptly turns on the light. Guido's shoved uncomfortably up against the back shelf. He looks down at her with severe bewilderment. They barely both fit inside)
Guido: I'm afraid to ask …
Fran: Guido, we need to clear a few things up!
Guido: (misunderstanding her) Fran, if you want me to clean we'll need to take the broom outside the closet! And us, for that matter.
Fran: This can't go on!
Guido: Are you trying to become a claustrophobic?
Fran: No …
Guido: Then why are we in here?
Fran: I don't want to distract the customers, silly!
Guido: Distract them from what?
Fran: (hands on hips) Quit pretending like you don't know what I'm talking about!
Guido: But I don't know what you're talking about!
Fran: I've read it, okay?
Guido: Read WHAT? Francine – mphmo!
(Francine puts her hand over Guido's mouth)
Fran: Don't talk … (sounding like she's on a soap opera) … just let me say what I need to say, and then we can both move on with our lives.
Guido: (muffling) Wnmph –
Fran: HUSH! I know you're in 'agony' and all, and I appreciate the radiant beauty comment, really I do. But this can never be, Guido! You might think that's hard to hear, but its how I feel. I only hope we can remain friends. Do you understand?
(She takes her hand from his mouth. Guido's expression of 'severe bewilderment' remains in tact)
Guido: … no … ?
Fran: Oh, Guido!
(She hugs him, thinking he's hurt)
Fran: You'll get over it. You always do!
(Giving him a smile, Francine turns on her heel and opens the closet door. She walks out – then, recalling something, walks back in and steps hard on Guido's foot)
Guido: (in pain) Ah!
Fran: That's for the part about my bosom! AND your loins!
(Francine walks out again, leaving the door open)
Guido: (nursing his foot) How uncalled for was that? She's gone mental!
N: You're lucky she didn't aim for your loins, if you catch my drift.
Guido: I have absolutely no idea what's going on … POLLY!
(As stated, Polly's standing at the door of the closet, staring in questioningly at Guido. She's only just arrived back to the Parlour after finding Speedy with Lucille)
Polly: (confused, but intrigued) Guido, what on earth were you doing in the broom closet with Francine?
Guido: (thinking she'll be angry with him) It's not what it looks like!
Polly: What was it supposed to look like?
Guido: (tongue-tied) We weren't … ! I wasn't … ! We were just … ! I DON'T … !
Polly: Guido, speak english! Have you forgotten your lines again?
Guido: Nothing happened between me and Fran, I swear! Please don't hurt me … (grinning timidly)
Polly: I wasn't planning to. But –
Fran: (yelling from the front of the Parlour) GUIDO, I HAVE A DELIVERY FOR YOU! GET OUT HERE, CHOP CHOP!
Guido: Gotta go … (makes to walk out of the kitchen, but before he does) … hey Polly? You're not soured on the whole 'waiting for me thing' are ya?
Polly: (completely mystified) Waiting thing? Guido, what the –
Fran: GUIDO!
Guido: 'Cause I'm up for it if you are …
Fran: GUIDO!
Guido: (yelling back) I'M ON IT!
(Guido winks suggestively at Polly and walks out. Polly continues to be mystified)
Polly: I have absolutely no idea what's going on!
N: Yeah, her and everybody else! Who's up for a third confrontation? I'm glad you asked! The third confrontation didn't eventuate until later that afternoon when Speedy, Francine and Polly closed up the Parlour for the day. Guido was around as well, but he'd disappeared into his bedroom and refused to come out. I'm sure we'll learn more about that later! But for now …
(Speedy and Francine are cleaning the kitchen together. Speedy, who's mopping the floor, keeps looking over at Francine apprehensively. Francine, washing the dishes in the sink, fails to notice)
Francine: (shaking her wet hands) Ack! Speedy, be a dear and pass me a towel?
Speedy: (at the end of his tether) THAT'S IT!
(He slams his mop to the floor in protest. Francine glares at him)
Fran: What's wrong with you?
N: Want a list?
Speedy: Listen to yourself! You're already calling me 'dear'! What next? 'HUBBY'?
Fran: (thrown aback) Speedy, all I wanted was a towel –
Speedy: (melodramatic) Is that how it starts, Francine? First you want a towel, then what? My soul … my BABIES!
Fran: Babies!
Speedy: (pointing accusingly at her) You know what I'm talking about! I know you want it, but you can't have it! I'm making a stand! You can't bind me to your contract! If you want marriage and kittens find somebody else, Fran! Get a donor, ask Guido, I DON'T CARE!
Fran: Speedy …
Speedy: (talking over her) EVEN though the joint account thingy sounds tempting ...
Fran: Speedy –
Speedy: AND the part about home ownership … (having second thoughts) … will you be paying for most of it?
Fran: Speedy –
Speedy: Hey, this could work! But do you mind if we have the kids in the fourth year?
Fran: (frustrated) SPEEDY!
Speedy: Yes dear?
Polly: (outraged) WHAT'S GOING ON?
(Polly, who'd been in the bathroom, came into the kitchen unnoticed and caught the last half of Speedy and Francine's 'conversation')
Fran: That's what I'm trying to figure out!
Polly: Speedy … (glowering at him) … are you proposing to Francine?
Speedy: She proposed first!
Fran: I did not!
Polly: (up in arms) I don't believe this! HOW MANY LOVE LETTERS HAVE YOU SENT OUT THIS WEEK? YOU'RE WORSE THAN GUIDO!
Speedy: (pointing at Fran again) She did it! She sent the letter! AH!
(Predictably, Polly has armed herself with a frying pan and is attempting to land a blow on Speedy)
Polly: HOLD STILL!
Speedy: (dodging her) NOT ON YOUR LIFE!
Fran: (putting two and two together) Polly thinks Speedy sent her a love letter? And … ooooh!
(Taking charge, Francine puts herself between the opposed)
Polly: OUT OF THE WAY, FRAN! SPEEDY'S DOG MEAT!
Fran: Ease up! I think there's been a misunderstanding. Something fishy's going on!
Speedy: I did NOT have tuna for lunch!
Fran: Not your breath, idiot! Did you both receive love letters today?
Polly: Yeah! From HIM!
(She points her frying pan to Speedy, who gapes at her)
Speedy: Nuh uh! I got a love letter from Fran …
Fran: And I got a love letter from Guido.
Speedy, Polly: (confounded) Guido?
N: Looks as though the cat's finally out of the bag! So to speak. After Speedy and Polly calmed down, everyone realised something indeed 'fishy' was going on – in other words, they realised the blatantly fake love letters are fake! Perhaps there's hope for their IQ levels yet.
Speedy: (scandalised) WE'VE BEEN HAD!
Fran: Who would do this?
Polly: I thought that should be obvious by now …
(Speedy and Francine look to Polly expectantly)
Polly: Guido! He's the only one not here.
Speedy: (agreeing wholeheartedly) You're RIGHT! Guido does stuff like this all the time! Remember when he and Lou teamed up and Lou pretended to be a murdering stalker?
Fran: (giggling) That was funny!
Speedy: Oh yeah, real funny! Especially when I had a nervous breakdown and my car was dismembered!
Fran: What's Guido doing anyway? Isn't he in his room?
Polly: Yeah, he's been holed up in there ever since we closed shop! I think I'll go have a word with him …
(Excusing herself, and her frying pan, Polly makes a trip to Guido's room and bangs on the door)
Polly: GUIDO! It's Polly, open up!
(From inside, she can hear him moving things around and cussing under his breath)
Guido: I'm not ready for you yet!
Polly: OPEN THIS DOOR!
Guido: Man, you are impatient! Give us a minute …
(Half a minute later, Guido opens the door – but not all the way)
Guido: So … (doing his best 'sexy' voice) … couldn't wait for me any longer, huh?
Polly: (oblivious) Guido, what have you been doing in there? We haven't see you since –
(Pushing past him, Polly hauls herself into his room and stops dead in her tracks, speechless: the room his covered in candles, and there's a strong flowery scent wafting in the air)
Guido: (closing the door and leaning against it) Wait until you see it with the lights off … (turns off the light switch so there's nothing but candlelight) … cool, huh?
(Polly just gapes for a moment, then … )
Polly: So this is what you've been doing for the afternoon! Let me guess: you think you're gonna get lucky with some girl tonight?
Guido: (thinking she's teasing him) Polly, we're alone now! Give up the act. It's cute, but c'mon … why did you bring a frying pan?
Polly: (suddenly remembering why she came to see him in the first place) Guido, I have to talk to you!
Guido: You've said plenty already … (slowly walking towards her)
Polly: (stepping back as he steps forward) I just got here!
Guido: (walking forwards … ) I haven't been able to stop thinking about you all day …
Polly: (walking backwards … ) You what?
Guido: I've seen a side of you I didn't know existed …
Polly: WHOA!
(Polly, walking backwards, trips and falls back on his bed. Guido, thinking this is what she wants, joins her)
Guido: (leaning in) I want you as much as you want me …
Polly: (totally and utterly gobsmacked) ARE – YOU – INSANE!
(What happened in the next moment is unclear. All we see is Guido flying out of his room and crash-landing in the middle of Parlour. Speedy and Francine hurry out to see what the ruckus is)
N: And that would be the fourth confrontation, methinks.
Speedy: (smiling at Guido crumpled on the floor) HA! So you fessed up! I knew she'd break you …
Guido: (labouring to his feet) She broke me all right – AH!
(Polly, with her frying pan in hand, comes out for more)
Polly: (burning red in the face) HE TRIED TO SEDUCE ME!
Guido: (running behind the front bench for protection) You were asking for it!
Polly: (outraged even further) HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT! YOU PERVE!
Guido: I'm not insinuating nothin'!
Speedy: (coming to Polly's defense) That's below the belt, buddy!
Guido: (gawking at Speedy) What's that line supposed to be? Your idea of a pun?
Speedy: WHY I OUTTA –
(Angered, Speedy charges forward, leaps over the front bench and attacks Guido. They engage in a brawl)
Speedy: (his arm hooked around Guido's neck) YOU GOT NO RIGHT!
Guido: (trying to shake him off) YOUR LINES ARE WORSE THAN THE ONE'S THEY GIVE TO THE ROBOTS!
Polly: (upset Speedy stole her battle) QUIT DEFENDING MY HONOUR! YOU AIN'T GOT DIBBS ON IT!
(Francine comes onto the scene, equipped with a hose)
Fran: (aiming it at the others) INCOMING!
(She hoses them down. Everyone stops fighting)
Fran: You guys needed that.
N: Where'd the hose come from?
Fran: It's animation.
Speedy: Yeah, who cares!
N: Fair enough.
Fran: (the voice of reason) Don't you all see what's happening here? Guido must've received a love letter from Polly!
Guido: How did you know that?
Polly: Is this true, Guido?
Guido: Sure is … (pulling the letter from his pocket) … here!
Polly: Let me see that …
(Polly snatches it from his hand. As she starts to read, her eyes are in danger of popping out of her head)
Polly: (blushing) Who … who wrote this? How did they know I liked to do that!
Guido: (eyes lighting up) Which part?
Speedy: Can I read it?
Polly: BACK OFF!
N: I think it's time we exposed the guilty party. Everybody turn your heads!
Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran: Huh?
(They all turn. Two people come in through the front doors)
Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran: YOU!
Mama-san: Hello!
N: Weren't the doors locked?
Junior: Animation.
Speedy: I can't believe it! We were duped by the cameos!
Mama-san: (insulted) HEY! We're regular cast members thank you very much.
Fran: What's your motivation?
Guido: Yeah, what's the deal!
Junior: (speaking plainly) Duh! More screen time.
Mama-san: We need the money. I'm saving to buy a car so we don't have to take the bus any more.
Polly: But … (holding up the love letter she didn't give Guido) … how do you know all these personal things about me?
Junior: We called your ex-lover Garfield. He dropped us some pointers!
Polly: (crumpling the letter in her hand) GARFIELD? That good for nothing GOSSIP!
Mama-san: We made some other contacts to get info on the rest of you! Francine's ex-boyfriend Bucky told us all about her 'life-partnership' proposal …
Fran: (embarrassed) How could he!
Mama-san: And Lucille gave us the word on Speedy.
Polly: (gawking at Speedy) You told Lucille she's the fairy in your floss?
Speedy: Maybe … (also embarrassed, looks away) … I say a lot of things to Lucille!
Guido: What about me?
Junior: Pft! You can ask any girl in Little Tokyo to find out what you'd say in a love letter.
Guido: (owning up) True.
Junior: We've been following you all for the whole day, planting each letter.
Mama-san: Remember seeing me this morning, Polly? At the bus stop?
Polly: (recollecting the person sitting next to her, hidden behind a newspaper) That was you?
Mama-san: Yes indeedy!
Fran: (arms folded) Don't you two have anything better to do with your time than harrass us?
Junior: Don't nark on the little guys! We're the Pizza Cats biggest fans.
Mama-san: WELL gotta run! Lovely to catch up, we should do it again some time. This was a fun episode!
Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran: (all appearing less than enthused) Yeah … fun.
N: And so ends this sick and twisted story of love! Or something … anyhoo! We leave you now with the Cat's all lying together on the roof, gazing up at the night sky. What final words of wisdom will they leave us with I wonder?
Speedy: Why do you have to have kids in the third year?
Fran: (still embarrassed from before) It's a long and complicated plan, Speedy! I'm not getting into it … (turns to Guido) … I can't believe you recycle that 'passion the soul can posses when the heart is on fire' line!
Guido: Don't knock my material, Fran. That line is gold!
Fran: More like fluff.
(Guido ignores her and turns his attention to Polly, smiling cheekily – something he'd been doing again and again throughout the night)
Polly: (clenching her teeth) Guido I told you, stop looking at me like that!
Guido: I can't help it. You're not my innocent Polly any more!
Polly: (groaning) This is so humiliating …
Guido: Do you really like to –
Polly: GUIDO!
Speedy: (who's been getting more curious by the minute) Does she like to what?
Polly: (giving Guido her most threatening glare) Tell him ANYTHING and you'll be a fur coat by the next episode!
Guido: Sorry Speedy …
Speedy: Aw, you guys suck!
THE END