Chapter 3

Shall I say that Suguru was still pissed off? I don't know what I have to do to see this strange guy smiling.
But he was satisfied when he noticed that the song was not that bad. Indeed, it was full of happiness and power.
It was like me.
I felt like nobody in the world could beat me. I was smiling all the time, cheerful like I used to be. Not that moody me I had been the past months.
My voice was strong and powerful and I saw how much Hiro liked it. I did not hope anymore, I knew the new single would be sold out very quickly. I smiled at my best friend and finished the song. K nodded and gave me a sign everything was perfect.
"I have to tell Yuki how successful we were today! It is sooooo good, isn't it? I'm sure our fans will love the new single. So we have to think early about a new album and the new songs. I'm sure you want me to write the lyrics, oh, no problem guys, I would love to thin about new lyrics…"
"At first: Do you really think Yuki-san is interested in our new single? And second: Do you believe we really prefer you to write our lyrics?"
Suguru looked bored when I looked at hhim.
"A baby like you should not talk to the star of this band like that!" I spit the words at him and smiled. "Who are you without me, tell me?"
He preferred to turn his head; I knew he could not stand my gaze and words any longer. Hiro took my arm.
"What's gotten into you, Shuichi? Why are you this aggressive?"
I started to giggle.
"Oh, I'm not the one aggressive in here. But our baby should think about who he is talking with!"
"And you better think about who produces this shit with you!" Oh, Suguru wanted to show us how brave he was. "Without Tohma you would be nothing!"
I narrowed my eyes and took in a deep breath to answer this stupid comment, but it was K who interrupted me now.
"Cool down, cool down, guys. There's no need to start arguments now. Let's go and celebrate your new single!"
I stared at Suguru who looked away from me. I shook my head.
"No. I'm not. Go on, guys, and celebrate my success. I'm going home now…"
"Shuichi!" Hiro called out my name, but I didn't turn around. I just wanted to leave them now.

Suguru was just a stupid idiot – I told me over and over again when I headed to the men's restroom.
I just wanted to go home now. I wanted to hug Yuki, see his beautiful face and his bored look although I knew he didn't mean it like that.
I wanted to kiss him, to feel the soft lips of my loved one. I needed him so much.
And at last I wanted to sleep with me. He still avoided touching me where I wanted it. And I was fed up to sleep on the couch.
After two weeks without sex my libido was going to kill me and I hoped Yuki did not help himself otherwise.
I hurried to open the package and put the snow onto the plate. I didn't waste time to pull out the straw from my bag, so I decided to sniff it immediately.
I let out a satisfied moan when the cocaine rushed through my veins, spreading out into my body and into my head.
Carefully I put the things back into my bag. The whole world was shining when I stepped out the building of NG-records. I chose to take a taxi; I wanted to get home as fast as I could. And after about 15 very funny minutes with a very funny cab driver I stood in front of the house.
I just had to go in, but that was not that easy. I was horny like hell and I knew I would jump Yuki immediately when I saw him!
I fumbled for the keys and opened the door with shaky hands. I ran into the elevator and stepped from one foot to the other. Time seemed to sneak and I wanted to scream that everything should hurry up.
Finally I arrived at the floor I knew Yuki was waiting for me. Well, let's say where I hope he would wait for me.
I hurried to find the key, the door flew open and Yuki stood in front of me.
"What the hell are you doing here so damn early?" he growled and looked into my big eyes.
I pressed myself against his body and closed the door with a loud thud. He knew what I wanted now.
"Oh, not now, you moron. Deadline is at the end of the week and I have to think about three new chapters."
I shook my head and pulled him nearer, sliding my arms around his neck and breathed against his lips.
"No more words now, Yuki. I need you. I want you to fuck me, I'm horny and I won't let you go till you gave it to me." I smiled while my tongue started to flick around his earlobe, which I knew was his week spot. He moaned and tried to push me away from him, but I only pressed my body tighter against his.
"No, Yuki. Please make me yours again. I need you and I can't bear it anymore to be rejected by you!"
I nipped his ear and noticed his breath quickened. I withdraw from his weak spot and decided to lock him into a tender kiss.
Finally he opened his mouth, pushed his tongue into my mouth and tasted me. I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning full into the kiss. Yukis hands slid over my body, on my back and grabbed my buttocks.
I threw my head back and moaned out loud.
"Bed!" I ordered and Yuki grinned devilishly. Without breaking the passionate kiss we stumbled into the bedroom.

(If you want to read this part, please send me an e-mail )

My heart was racing and all my senses were focused on the man I loved.
"I love you so much!" I whispered and fell next to him on the bed. He pulled me into his embrace and gave me a quick kiss on my forehead.
"What happened to you to be that furious?" He tried to catch his breath and so was me.
I did not answer his question. It would have been idiotic to tell him my little secret. Now I was sure he would let me sleep in our bed without complaining.
He looked very sexy when he was exhausted, but after a short break we did it again. And again. It was such a good feeling to be so alive!

After a night full of passion and love everything turned back into normal the next day. Yuki was moody and had his usual headache. He had lost a whole day to write at his novel and he put the blame on me.
There was still no word left because of the incident with Tatsuha and it made me sad that Yuki did not really care about me.
I loved him so much. But now he was focused on his work, and I had my day off.
I called Hiro and asked him if he would like to go to the club with me, again. And Hiro would not have been Hiro if he had said no.
I wrote a note for Yuki and got dressed. Slutty, like Yuki preferred to say, but he was so busy with typing I was glad he did not notice how I left our home.
"Where are you going tonight, Shuichi?"
Hiro greeted me with a big smile on his face.
"I thought we'd go out so I dressed myself a bit…let's say generous!"
Hiro laughed and I placed myself behind him on his motorcycle. He felt warm and good. Everything I loved about him. He was my best friend, a little bit curios, but after all he was the person I knew I could count on always.
"Are you ready?" he asked and turned the motor on. I nodded, although I knew he could not see it.
"Of course, I'm fine! Let's celebrate a bit!"
To be honest, I wanted to go to this club with him to see Masami or his friends again. I was running out with cocaine and I needed something to cheer me up.
I just wanted to keep it till I felt bad again.

Unfortunately one of Masami's strange friends was around. I think he was called Sawada or something like that. I told Hiro to wait for me at the bar. He trusted me, so it was no problem to disappear in the crowd.
My eyes immediately saw the guy in the corner. I smiled and hoped he would see me. I can tell you, he was totally high when I joined him and Masami.
"Hey you…" Masami smiled and gave me a sign to sit down. I preferred not to sit down, as I did not want to spend the whole night with them.
"It's very early for this, isn't it?" I asked, a bit insecure to the whole situation. Masami chuckled and gripped my wrist.
"What do you want" he looked at me and grinned "Little slut?" he added and I could feel the other guy watching me with predatory eyes.
I swallowed and decided to stop being the weak Shindou Shuichi.
"I'll pay you if you give me some of the…stuff!"
Masamis look changed immediately.
"Just tell me how much?" I smiled seriously. Suddenly Masami made me sit on his lap and I blushed. His mouth brushed my lips and he wandered to my ear.
"It's not that cheap you think it is. But because it's you I'll give it to you for 6.500 Yen."
I swallowed, but than nodded.
"But you know" he continued "From one of those packages" he showed me one of it and put it into my hand "you can only get 3 lines. Think of it!"
He gave me a quick kiss on my lips and I lifted myself off of his body. I searched for the money and sighed.
"Here you are…" I wanted to walk away from them, but Masami did not loosen his grip on my wrist. I tried to pull away, but he just laughed.
"Come, sit here. For a proper kiss you can get one line for free."
I shook my head.
"No thanks…" but he did not let me go.
"Just think of the pleasure you get when you take a line. And it doesn't cost you anything." He lowered his voice and tried to calm me when he was brushing his thumb over the back of my hand.
I sighed. And I don't know why I nodded and letting him lift up my chin to meet his eyes. I felt his lips brushing over mine and slowly he covered my mouth with his own.
It was an odd feeling when he pushed his tongue inside me. He did not taste good, like an ashtray to be honest.
Well, Yuki is a smoker, too, but he never tastes that bad, he is still nice and tasty.
I tried not to look too disgusted but I sighed in relief when he let me go.
He looked satisfied and prepared the cocaine on the plate. He cut the powder into three lines and I was allowed to take the first one.
I had to hurry up, because Hiro was still waiting. And I had no idea how long I had been away from him. I lowered my head and sniffed quickly, feeling the wonderful power overwhelming my mind and my body.
"Yes…" I hissed and closed my eyes in ecstasy. "Thanks a lot!"
I pushed myself up and ran into the crowd again, not looking back at Masami and his silly friend.
Hiro still sat on the bar, locked in a conversation with a good looking girl.
"Ah, Shuichi!" He had noticed me immediately. I brushed over my nose again to make sure there was nothing Hiro could get suspicious about.
"Sorry!" I squeaked "It took longer than I thought!" I squeezed my eyes and tried to look innocent like Hiro loved me.
"But if you don't mind, I'd love to dance now. But I see you are in good company." I started to laugh, maybe a bit too loud, but Hiro did not mind. He felt insecure for a moment, but then nodded.
"Okay, I'll join you in a few minutes!"

I can't remember when Hiro joined me on the dance floor; I just wanted that feeling to last longer. I knew the cocaine would not last too long, but I still hold all the power inside of me. And my feet moved and moved and didn't want to stop moving.
My head was full of excitement for the flashing lights on the dance floor and I started to laugh when I concentrated on them too much.
Hiro became tired and went back to the bar. I joined him because I became thirsty.
"Shu-chan…" he whined "Can we go now? We're here for hours now and you must be tired of dancing..."
I just grinned.
"I'm not tired. I want to move all night long."
He moaned. "Come on, Shuichi, think about it. I'm certain Yuki is worried about you. Let's go home now."
I took a deep sip of my soda and sighed. Maybe it was not good to make Hiro waiting any longer.
"Okay…Maybe you're right. But next time you have to stay with me there" I pointed to the dance floor "a bit longer, okay?"
He rolled his eyes, but nodded. I could feel how glad he was to be outside of the club, when he sat down on his motorcycle.
"Do you really want to drive, Hiro? I suppose you are tired?" He shook his head.
"I can try to call Yuki, maybe he wants to go inside of the club, then I could dance the whole night long. But on second thought maybe it's not a good idea. He worked on his novel the whole day, so he must be very tired, too. But I can try to call him so he can pick me up. You don't have to drive me home!"

"Shuichi, stop your stupid talking!"
I turned around and faced Yuki who climbed out of his car. He stepped forward and enlarged the distance between him and me.
"Come home now, you see Nakano's tired, don't you?" Hiro yawned and nodded.
"I am. So take him home now, Yuki-san. It was not that easy to get him out of this club." He pointed to the entrance.
I could feel more than ever that both of them did not like each other. And I don't really know why!
Yuki murmured something that sounded like "Thanks" and "Bye" when he pulled me into his car.

"You are always so mean to Hiro!" I cried when Yuki turned the motor on.
"Am I?" he asked emotionless and I bit my lip.
"Yes, you are. And I don't like how you look at him. You know Hiro's my best friend, why do you always treat him like that. He did not do anything wrong to you, so what's the reason you don't like him? I cannot understand both of you. You both like me, so what? Why can't you just be kind to another?"
Yuki rolled his eyes.
"I never said I liked you"
My eyes widened and I thought I had to cry. But I didn't. Maybe I became used to the fact Yuki would never admit true feelings for me. But although I could not cry, I noticed something break deep inside of me.
"How can you say that to the person who loves you most…" was the only thing I replied. Yuki answered something, but I did not listen to him anymore.
All I wanted to do was crawling under the bed sheets and never waking up again.

I really tried not to touch the package Masami gave me. I was successful the next few days. I hoped Yuki would tell me he didn't mean the words he told me in the car. But he didn't. He slept with me and nothing more.
He woke up early in the morning and decided to concentrate on his work. Can you believe it? He just finished his damn novel and his editor wanted him to start typing again for the next one.
I hated it. I could not understand why Yuki did not want a short break. I proposed him to go on a trip with me over the weekend, but he told me he did not want to go on a short holiday with me.
But I didn't cry. And Yuki started to think I was acting weird.
Instead of crying I decided one night to help my luck coming back to me.
It lasted four days without touching the damn cocaine. But after Yuki told me he preferred to stay at home and work instead of having a nice time with me, I thought this step would be the best.
I wanted him to look at me; I wish I could say him
"Look, I can be happy without you! And it doesn't matter to me what you say or think about me!"

And so the misery started.
I was fond of the moments Yuki went out for a meeting with his editor or buying cigarettes. These were the moments I could dive in a wonderful world of happiness and joy. A world where Shindo Shuichi wasn't the stupid little brat, the innocent best friend of a guitarist, the bad lyric writer!
No, the bad times were over.
My mind created wonderful ideas, words escaped my mind and I wrote them down, over and over again. Some really made sense.
"Aren't you getting tired of this? It's two o'clock in the morning…" Yuki yawned and went into the kitchen. I ignored him.
"I'm talking to you, baka!" He touched my shoulder and I shuddered.
"What's wrong with you?"
I did not want to look up. I was too afraid Yuki could notice the change in my eyes.
"Nothing, I just want to finish this. Maybe I'll sleep on the couch; I don't want to disturb your important sleep."
I heard Yuki sighing when he sat down on the sofa.
"Come on, brat. You can't be awake the whole night. You have to go to work tomorrow, don't you?"
I nodded.
"Then go to bed…" I did not move, I didn't even turn around to face him. I stared down at my notes.
"Baka!" Yuki snorted and disappeared in the bedroom.
Suddenly I felt teardrops falling from my eyes.
It was good Yuki could not see them. I did not want him to see me crying anymore.

The next day I stepped inside the studios of NG-records and started a fight with Suguru again. But then I calmed down and showed Hiro and him the new lyrics I wrote.
Suguru did not like it, but he never like things I write. But it did not matter to me. Who was he to tell me my lyrics were not good enough?
"Come on, little baby, be proud of having a vocalist like me! Just smile, Fujisaki. It doesn't hurt to smile!"
Hiro grinned.
"I think these are not that bad, Suguru-kun. Just try, I'm sure Shuichi will be right. Look, our latest song was sold out after one day. So just trust him. Shuichi knows what he does!"
I bit my lip. Hiro trusted me so much that it hurt. He did not have a clue what was going on inside of me.
And, do you believe it, after we repeated the song over and over again, Suguru began to say it was good!
The stupid boy, of course it was good!
I felt tired and asked Hiro if he could drive me home. Of course he did, Hiro would never say no.

"Don't worry about me, I'm just tired. Yuki was mad with me yesterday because I did not want to go to bed. So I will go to sleep now. I'm not sure if Yuki's at home, so I probably get a rest."
Hiro nodded, but than stopped me.
"If anything is wrong, you can tell me!"
I smiled.
"I know, Hiro. And when something is wrong I will tell you. But everything is all right, I'm tired, that's all. I told you not to worry about me."
He still looked unhappy.
"Hey…you know me, don't you?"
Slowly he nodded. Perfect.
I could still feel his look on me till I entered the building.

I felt bad. I felt powerless.
Yuki was not at home. I sighed in relief. I sat down on the kitchen table and prepared my "food".
It tickled and I smiled. Now everything was going to be okay again. I threw my head back and started to laugh while tears build up in my eyes again.

I know it was stupid.
And I think I knew it all the time how stupid it was to take drugs. And I know it had always been a lie that I just sniffed cocaine when I felt bad, because I felt bad all the time.

Even with a smile on my face and the funniest laughter on earth, I was sad.
And I just wanted somebody to see the pain deep inside of me.