Chapter 4

It was a never ending circle.

First it was enough to get one line a day. But soon I figured out that just one was definitely not enough to satisfy me and my needs.

I remembered Masami's words and soon we saw each other twice a week.

He always smiled at me and he knew he made me sick every time I saw him and every time he gave me new powder. I thought he just wanted to destroy me. His smile always made me shivering. I hated the way he looked at me, the way he put the little pack into my hand. I paid without saying a word. And he just nodded.

It was easy to get to the club and back home without Yuki noticing the fact I went out without telling him. He was too busy with his work and his own life.

I stopped pretending to live a life together with Yuki, I could see it clearer every day. So I started to live my life and let Yuki live his.

It was not like I did not want the things to change, but I realized that it was never going to be the truth.

The day of our concert Yuki and I had a fight again and so I knew he would not come along to pick me up. But I knew Hiro would offer me a lift home, so I didn't really care about that.

Hiro told me I was starting to act emotionless but I ignored him. I did not have to be hurt all the time. Did he really think I was not able to change?

Before I could go on stage I needed refreshment. I avoided taking a look into the mirror. I hated to see my face; I did not want to see the person I turned into.

I locked myself in one of the closets and prepared my next line. I knew I was too weak to do the concert without the power of the wonderful white powder.

Suddenly I heard the door swung open and Hiro stepped inside.

"Shuichi? Come on, they're waiting for us. Everything and everybody is ready except of you! So come out now!"

Slowly I opened the door and stepped outside. It tried to avoid his gaze and instead I smiled.

"Then let's go!" I grinned and felt how well prepared I was to go on stage and rock the audience. But Hiro took my arm and made me stop. And I did a big mistake when I looked up into his eyes.

In shock he loosened his grip on my arm and I walked away.

I can still hear them cheering and screaming our names over and over again.

The whole show was fantastic, and I was fantastic, too. I was dancing and jumping on stage, my voice better than ever, a little huskily, but nevertheless sexy and seductive.

They all liked the new Shindou Shuichi, they all wanted to see more when I started to rip off my shirt. I touched my sensitive skin and smiled into the audience. I was hot inside and the touch on my skin burned and tickled. But they loved me, and that was all I wanted them to do.

I hated the moment I had to leave the stage, I felt strong and loved and all that left me when I stepped backstage. But we had done a very good job and it was getting late. I did not really want to go home as I knew Yuki would still be upset and I was too lazy to start discussing again.

When Suguru said goodbye I was left alone with Hiro.

"Can you drive me home? Yuki's mad with me, so I don't think he is waiting for me outside…"

Hiro said nothing; he was just staring at me.

"You did a very good job today, Shuichi!" he said slowly and then lifted himself off the chair.

"Thanks. The same to you!" I smiled and began to put my things into the bag.

"Shuichi" I turned my head and faced Hiro, who was looking very worried. "Please, tell me the truth. Is everything all right with you?"

Slowly I nodded.

"So you did not break your promise to stop smoking this shit?"

I felt so sorry deep inside. I did not have to lie on him; I was really saying the truth when I told him

"Of course not. What d'you take me for? Don't worry about me, I don't like joints anymore."

I tried to smile but my mission failed. Hiro shook his head.

"Really? Then why did you look like that before we started our concert? Shuichi…" He enlarged the distance between us. "Something is wrong with you, why don't you tell me?"

I giggled and hoped Hiro would still believe in my innocence.

"Oh Hiro, there was and is nothing wrong with me."

I swallowed hard and I think he noticed it. It hurt me to lie on him, because now I had to lie on him. I could not tell him the truth. I thought he would not understand all those feelings and fears inside of me.

"Your eyes were telling another story" he added and looked down on me.

"Hiro, I swear, everything is all right. I don't know what happened to my eyes; maybe you just imagined there was something unreadable inside. You don't have to worry, really. If anything is turning into shit I'll let you know."

I smiled once again and it worked.

When I sat behind him on his motorcycle, millions of thoughts crossed my mind. It would hurt Hiro more if he'd know the truth than being left with lies.

I could barely understand myself, how could I tell anybody how I was feeling?

It felt like I was dying. Slowly and painful.

Like my spirit was fading away with each line of cocaine I took.

I hoped cocaine would help me to feel alive again. But it didn't. For a few moments it helped me to feel strong and genius, indeed, the intoxication was a wonderful and great feeling. But soon afterwards it brought me back into reality and things became worse than before.

I told Hiro thank you and a good night, then headed towards the building. I hoped Yuki was still writing or had gone to bed.

I tiptoed into the living room, but I could not hear Yuki typing. When I came closer to the door to his office I noticed the lights were shut. So he must have gone to bed. I sighed in relief and went into the bedroom.

There was Yuki. Sleeping like an angel. So I tried to be quiet. I did not want him to wake up, so I went slowly into the bathroom. When I came back the lights were on and Yuki leaned against the headboard. His eyes were focused on my body and I shuddered.

"I saw you on TV" he started and I thought he wanted to make fun of me again. I didn't say a thing when I climbed into the bed next to him, facing him with my back. I hoped he would understand.

I stiffened when I felt his bare chest pressing against my back, his breath next to my ear while his tongue was making its way to my earlobe. I sighed and did not move.

He wanted to have sex, but I didn't feel like wanting it. I felt exhausted all the time when I came home from work, my mind was lazy and my body, too. Yuki was angry with me, because I didn't want to sleep with him for weeks.

"You looked so damn sexy, d'you know that?" he whispered into my ear. His hands made their way over my stomach and between my legs. I felt his arousal through his clothes pressing against me.

"Ah…Yuki, not now…" I whined and turned on my back to face him. He climbed on top of me and ignored the meaning of my words.

"You became thinner…" he murmured while he licked and kissed down my chest.

"Yuki, I said I don't want to have sex now!" I tried again and he looked up into my eyes.

"How long are you going to tell me that? What's your problem?"

I sighed again and cupped his cheek with my hand.

"I'll stop telling you this when I really want to sleep with you."

He became angry again.

"Do you want to tell me that I'm not good in bed anymore; is that the reason why you stopped screaming and squeaking during sex? Do you prefer my brother to shove his dick into your ass? Tell me the reason, Shuichi!"

I bit my lip and shook my head.

"That's not true…" I whispered. "Go on…"

While he was slamming into me again and again, I wrapped my arms and legs around him, so I didn't had to look into his eyes. I cried. Silent, so I was sure he did not really notice.

Yuki did not last that long, he came with a low grunt and kissed me hungrily. I did not really respond to the kiss and sighed in relief when he pulled out.

He looked down on me while I was turning to the side, making him clear I did not want him to jerk me off. I just wanted to drift into sleep. I did not want to think of my sorrows.

I felt sorry, because I did not feel the desire inside of me anymore. Although Yuki still was good in bed and he was desirable!

Yuki placed himself behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist to pull me near.

That was the beginning of Yuki acting weird.

"Bad Luck's vocalist Shindou rocks Shibata Hall"

I smiled when I read the headline of the article about our concert. Yuki was yawning while he made coffee. He placed a cup and a plate in front of me.

"No thanks…" I murmured and pushed the plate away from me.

"You don't want to eat?" Yuki's voice was soft so I looked up and nodded.

"I'm not hungry, thank you…"

He murmured something that I didn't understand and sat down on his chair, still staring at me while he began to eat.

"What's wrong with you?" I shook my head.

"Nothing, I was just reading."

I finished the article and Yuki took the newspaper to have a look on the picture that was showing me.

"I see. You still act hyperactive and happy on stage, but when you're at home you always look depressed and sad."

I did not want to react; instead I took a sip from my mug.

"I ask you again: What's wrong with you, Shuichi?" I sighed.

"Nothing" I told him again and avoided to look him in the eyes. Now it was him who shook his head.

"I asked Tohma, but he told me he didn't notice you've changed much" he continued. "Maybe it's just me who's getting old and strange…"

I stayed silent again. Suddenly Yuki seemed to be worried about me. Strange thought of mine.

The sound of the telephone ringing broke the silence, Yuki moaned, but decided to answer the call. I could barely hear him say something, but I thought it was his editor again, which meant Yuki was going to disappear in his office for the rest of the day. When he returned I gave him an asking look.

"Hiroshi…" he murmured and sat back on his chair. I was waiting for any other comment, but Yuki finished his breakfast first.

"He just wanted to know if you are fine. And that I should take care of you."

"Aha? And that was all?" I could not believe that his reason to call was to tell Yuki he should take care of me.

"That's all."

Silence.

"Hiro did not want to talk with me?" I frowned. Yuki just nodded.

"You moron, would I lie to you just because your little friend is calling? Call him back if you want, but he won't tell you something new!"

I lowered my head and took another sip from the coffee.

"Now be a good boy and EAT something. You lost weight so do me the favor and go back to normal…"

"I am acting normal, Yuki. The thing is just that I'm not hungry at the moment."

Yuki sighed once again and shook his head, but did not say something. I was surprised he noticed I had lost weight. But maybe it was obvious. Even my trousers became too wide for me. And I ate miserably. I did not feel hungry most of the time.

I felt dirty because Yuki had fucked me the night before, and dirty because I felt my masquerade fading. I left the kitchen and took a long shower, hot and with a lot of soap. I hoped the soap and the water could wash away my guilty and lies. All the bad feelings. All the pain. I did not want Hiro to be worried about me, and I didn't want Yuki feeling the same way either.

Since when did Yuki care for me?

I was glad the water ran down my cheeks, so I could deny to myself I was crying once again. All I ever wanted became truth, Yuki was worried about me. But no, I did not want him to worry about me; I just wanted him to take care of me.

When I came back into the kitchen Yuki was still sitting on the table and read the newspaper. He still looked worried.

"I'm ready now" I whispered "If you want to have a shower now…"

He looked up at me and smiled.

"How very kind of you to offer me a shower in my own flat." He chuckled.

"Take that look of your face" his voice was harsh "Don't always take things that serious!" He lifted himself off of his chair and stepped forward until he reached me with his hand. He placed a kiss on my forehead and went to the refrigerator.

"I have to go to the grocery-store, are you coming with me? Or do you prefer to spend your free time alone?"

I shook my head and looked at him.

"If you want me to come with you" he glanced at me and nodded.

"Brat, please don't look at me like that…"

Strange.

I usually loved to do shopping with Yuki, even if it was just at a grocery-store. But I felt weak, bored and tired when we walked through the supermarket. Yuki was looking for food, I, on the other hand, was just looking forward the moment we would pass the cashier and could drive home again.

"I'm talking to you brat!"

The annoyed voice of my lover brought me from my daydreaming back to reality.

"Sorry, Yuki, I was just thinking of" He snorted.

"Don't hurt your self too much while trying to think." He took in a deep breath before continuing "Do you still have pocky at home?"

"Think so…" I answered and went away from him.

I was walking through the gangways of the store, looking at all those things I usually loved to eat.

But there was no desire for eating left inside of me. The only thing I could think of was the next line I needed so badly. I remembered I was running out of cocaine again so I had to see Masami soon.

Hopefully I would have been able to go to the club the next day.

If Yuki and Hiro would not spy on me.

Yuki found me standing in front of the drinks.

"Are you planning a party or why are you looking at the bottles so desperately?" He decided to take a few cans of beer and walked away.

"Come on, brat!" he said while he looked over his shoulder. "I don't want to spend the whole day here with you!"

I sighed in relief when we were on our way home. I hoped Yuki would be busy with his novel again, so I could lock myself into the bathroom and enjoy the wonderful influence of the white powder.

I bit my lip over and over again while I was playing with my fingers.

"Nervous?" Yuki asked, emotionless as always.

"No…" I told him. I thought things could not turn into something worse between us.

We did not talk until we arrived home.

I emptied the bags and put everything into the cupboard and the refrigerator.

My eyes were staring at the clock and I hoped Yuki would go into his office soon. But he stayed in the living room. I bit my lip.

What was he doing? How could he sit there and just smoke?

I placed myself next to him on the couch.

"Don't you have to work on your novel, Yuki?"

His head turned to face me and he had a strange look.

"Do you want to get rid of me?"

I shook my head. "No, of course not! I was just wondering why you are still sitting here, although you usually prefer to go into your office than spending time with me."

I tried to smile and hoped he would believe me.

"I just wanted to enjoy a short break before starting work again. And what about you? You should be lucky to sit next to me and enjoy my presence."

He smirked while I placed my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes at the same moment. I wanted things to be like this forever. But I knew Yuki would not really care about me. Maybe I did not want him to take care of me; I thought nobody could help me now.

It was just a slow process of dying.

I loved my music, I loved Bad Luck and I loved Yuki. But I did not love the press, not the way they tried to know everything about my private life.

It was none of their business, but when they found out I was together with Yuki, that was all they were interested in. They did not really see me; they saw Shindou Shuichi, vocalist but Yuki Eiri's lover.

They saw me as a perfect copy of Sakuma-san. I really adored Sakuma-san, but I hoped that one day they would stop comparing me with him. I was individual. I was Shindou Shuichi and no one else. I was not a copy of my idol; I had my own music, my own voice.

It was hard to stay alive in a world like this.

And then there was Yuki. My beautiful, but cold hearted lover. I always loved him and I still do. And I always hoped he would love me back one day. Like Hiro did. Hiro always loved me, no matter what happened.

But there were too many arguments with Yuki, too many fights and one day I became tired of trying to win the game. I knew Yuki did not really mean what he said, but words hurt, don't they?

And one day I started to believe in what he said to me. I don't want to put the blame on Yuki. Everything I did was my own decision.

It was my fault. I should have known him better to know that this was his way to show his love for me. Although that sounds strange. But Yuki is not the type of man who tells you every single day that he loves you.

He likes to tease me and now I understand.

He just tried to protect me and himself, he was hurt so deep inside his soul and was frightened of being hurt again. I understand this, now.

I don't know why I didn't see it in that time. Maybe I was blind and too busy with being worried about myself.

"Don't go…" I murmured when I felt the warmth next to me moving. "Just a little longer…"

I wanted to stay like this forever. I wanted to pretend everything was fine. But deep inside I knew that nothing was fine. And I wished Yuki would never know the truth.