Arana - Book 1 - Chapter 13

By Kudara

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and all who sail in her belong to Paramount/Viacom and no infringement of copyright/trade marks is intended.

Disclaimer: The Dungeons and Dragons Roleplaying System is owned by Wizards of the Coast and no infringement of copyright/trademarks is intended. The only thing I would like to lay claim to is the original D&D character used in this story.

Rating: (M +16).

Warning: Non-descriptive mention of rape.

Feedback: Always welcome, feedback is what encourages me to keep writing. Please let me know what you like and what you dislike about the story.

Revision History: 01/17/06

Summary: Arana discovers what has caused her dreams and gains a measure of peace with her treatment by the Lovitarians. Seven finds out about the nature of her relationship with Axum. Arana receives a call to battle.

Eventually I turned away from the doors, walked around the stacks of containers to the alcoves, and gazed for a moment at the children. When I had rode into the Lovitarian camp they had lead the children past me, as we had agreed, so that I could see they were unharmed. Looking upon the peaceful faces of Metozi, Rebi and Azan, I remembered the dirty tear streaked faces of those children. Was I regretting what I had done? That I had stayed there through their taunts, their eager foretelling of what would befall me at their hands. Was I regretting that I had spared those children what had happened to me?

Closing my eyes I kneeled, whispering a prayer to Ilmater. I knew my answer, I could never regret that those children had been spared being raped, being whipped and tortured. No matter what the cost to my own body and spirit. Opening my eyes once again, I looked upon the innocent visages of the sleeping children. Metozi, smart, analytical, I wondered if Seven knew how much the younger girl looked up to her. Rebi and Azan, the twins, so close to one another that they finished each other's thoughts. And finally Icheb, the young man held such promise of character, I would have been delighted if he had shown up at the Order's doors to test for admittance as a squire.

Looking upon them, I was absolutely certain of something else, I would do the same for them, go through the same torture to prevent them from knowing that such evil existed. I never wanted Metozi, Rebi, Azan or Icheb to have that vacant, dull, hopeless expression of someone only existing from torment to torment, their bodies and souls scared by cruel treatment.

Why then was I questioning myself, why was I feeling that somehow I was to blame for what had happened. I had realized when the loathsome messenger found me that they had planned it so that I could not arrange a rescue in time to save the children by force of arms. I was too far away from the Waterdeep temple to do more than send a messenger to them so that they could meet the children and ensure their safety.

No, all of that had raced through my mind then; I had estimated and re-estimated my chances of rescuing the children by any method other than the one they had proposed. Including the possibility of going to the followers of Tyr, Helm or the Lysander the Morninglord, but all of their temples, hostels or outposts were too far away as well. The Lovitarians had chosen their time and place well. Finally I had to stare into the oily, satisfied face of the messenger and agree. He had leered at me, and looked me up and down lustfully, and informed me he would make sure I enjoyed him being between my legs, before he left to return my agreement to the exchange.

It had been all I could do to not find a place to throw up the contents of my stomach when he had disappeared from view. But I had been certain that I was watched, so I put my helm upon my head to hide my face, and began my prayers to Ilmater and Torm as I traveled to the place where the exchange was to take place.

There had begun the true torment, standing waiting, stripped of my armor and arms, the Lovitar priests encouraging me to spare myself and flee. Then when I did not insinuating that I actually wanted what they were going to do to me, that I obviously missed Lord Durass. How they had found out about him I did not know, but they knew, it was unmistakable from the humiliating things they said to me. Their words enraged me, and I had to calm my temper when they claimed that I liked being tied up, beaten, and being forcefully taken.

Caught up in the memories I felt the humiliation, the moment of self doubt, when I actually wondered if they were right. I knew of some women, who had adapted to their abuse in just such a manner. They had been twisted up inside so much that they could only find pleasure in pain. Was I one of those women, had I somehow sought this out?

As a diver surfacing, I shook myself out of the memories and realized what had been poisoning me. I had listened to them, I had for just a moment considered if what they were saying was true, and it was then, not during my torture that the Lovitarian priests had been able to taint me. Not strongly, but just enough that with time and self-doubt it had started to take hold and grow. And there was something else, with that question, with that self-doubt, I had begun to believe that I was to blame for being there, and grow angry at myself, for placing myself in such a situation.

No wonder I had been having dreams with themes of helplessness and fear, I had felt helpless and fearful during those hours. Only I had wrongly blamed myself for it, instead of who was truly responsible. I had not kidnapped those children, I had not conceived of how to entrap a Champion of Torm so they would have no choice but to exchange themselves. I had not been the one to carry out that plan, to torment that person in the most evil way I could conceive. I had not been the one who tied me so I could not defend myself; I had not been the one who decided to rape me, or to nail me to posts and whip me.

Strongly in my memory arose the image of the chapel of the hostel where I had become a Priestess of Ilmater, its plain wooden walls, the carven figure of Ilmater the Painbearer behind the main altar. We had received news one day of a child that had been taken as a sacrifice to Lovitar. We searched for her unceasingly, only to arrive hours too late to save her life, instead we found her torn and bloodied body discarded in the woods for wild beasts to scavenge. We had returned with the body and gave her a decent burial, but there was an air of depression about the hostel for days afterward, as we asked ourselves what we could have done to save her.

Until Father Tormlin had stood behind the altar and forcefully lectured us, his hazel eyes intense with the force of his conviction, "Evil finds never so much a victory as when good blames itself for evils actions, and willingly takes on the burden of fault for failing to prevent those actions. Never hold yourself responsible for evils actions, you did not conceive them, nor carry them out. If there were things you could have done better, then yes, by all means do what is necessary to make sure that never happens again. But never, ever, hold yourself responsible for what evil decided to do in the first place, only for your own particular actions. Otherwise, know that they are rejoicing that you are taking on the responsibility for their decisions and actions, as if you were them."

I had been staring at the floor while these thoughts and memories ran through my head, now I my eyes once again and looked upon the children. I had suffered as a child, and upon being freed from my slavery, I had dedicated my life to making sure that other children did not have to suffer such a fate. My act had saved ten children from the hands of the Lovitarians. That they had planned it to capture me made no difference, if I had refused they would have surely tortured them for their goddess, and then delivered the bodies to the temple so that I would have known their fate.

I was not responsible for their being captured, but as a Paladin of Torm I was sworn to protect the innocent. As a Priestess of Ilmater, I was bound to thwart Lovitar whenever possible, and to shoulder the burden of suffering for others. As both Priestess and Paladin, I could not have responded any way other than how I had, without forsaking my vows to both. There was no burden of guilt or shame for me to bear for my actions.

I bowed my head and closed my eyes in quiet prayer asking for Ilmater and Torm to assist me in removing the taint I had identified from my spirit. I spent moments remembering the faces of the children they had led past me, the dawning hope that they were to be spared, the fear and sorrow for my own fate. The Lovitarians had likely been telling them exactly what their futures held if I were to fail to exchange myself for them, they knew as much as any child was capable, what was about to occur to me.

I knew my vows as a Priestess and as a Paladin by heart, and now I repeated them silently to myself, renewing my dedication to my chosen deities and to my own self. I almost opened my eyes when felt familiar presences close by me; I had certainly felt them before at different times, but never before together as was occurring at this moment. One slightly behind me to on my left and the other to my right, then two hands descended upon my shoulders gripping them lightly but firmly. Many things passed thought my mind at that moment, difficult to remember as soon as they passed, but afterward I felt cleansed, renewed, strengthened, my spirit uplifted by their approval and acceptance.

When I exited the cargo bay a few minutes later, I suspected that my sleep that night would be unbroken, and even if it was not, I would put the memories in their proper perspective. No longer would I blame myself for what happened to me at the hands of the Lovitarian priests.

Midmorning of the next day Seven entered the science lab while I studying diligently with the children. As soon as she walked in I sensed that she was upset and distressed. Looking up from my studies in concern, I watched quietly as she paused by each of the children, checking on their progress and answering any questions they had.

Finally she came to me and looked down at what I was studying, "You are progressing rapidly," she commented, "Are you having any difficulties understanding these equations?"

"No, Milady," I assured her, paying little attention to what she was indicating, and more to the nervousness she was attempting to hide. "I could use a short rest from my studies, would you do me the honor of accompanying me." I asked her.

Seven met my eyes for a moment, and I could see that she knew that I had sensed her distress. She nodded jerkily, "I would like to discuss my most recent visit to Unimatrix Zero with you."

After reminding the children not to go wandering, we stepped out into the hallway and began slowly walking down it, not heading anywhere in particular.

"The last time I visited Unimatrix Zero I discovered Axum and I were…" she trailed off, looking confused, bewildered.

I reached out and touched her arm, we paused in the hallway and she looked at me, an expression of guilt on her face. "That you were more than just friends," it wasn't hard to guess from her expression, from her confused emotions. 'Well, I had asked her to remember' I thought to myself, I should have considered that one of the other normal activities of growing up was forming relationships with others.

"You do not seem surprised," Seven stated almost accusingly.

I glanced at her surprised by the tone then realized that she had definitely not foreseen this possibility, it had completely blindsided her. "I should have considered it. It is after all part of growing up, at least for most people," I took in a breath, "It seems it was a part of your growing up, to find someone you cared for."

"Except I do not remember those events," Seven replied, irritatedly.

I glanced at her curiously, "Then how did you come to the conclusion that you felt more for Axum than just friendship."

"We were hiding behind a large rock to prevent our discovery by the drones the Borg Queen had sent to Unimatrix Zero. Axum put his arm around my shoulders, the closeness felt familiar to me." she stopped, and again I felt the surge of guilt from her.

"And then?" I asked gently.

She looked away distressed, "I kissed him for one point six seconds. That was when I knew we had been more than friends, it felt familiar."

I was surprised for a moment, and then I remembered other times when Seven had acted impulsively, and I was not as surprised. I could easily see her acting out of curiosity, trying to understand why she was feeling a certain way, and then finding out more than she had ever anticipated. "What do you feel for him?" I asked. I wasn't certain I wanted to know, yet if this man had a prior claim on her affections, I had to know if she wanted to pursue this.

She stared at me frowningly, and I got the impression that she had expected me to react in a different manner, perhaps angrily, possessively. I sorted my thought for a moment before attempting to explain them to her.

"Milady, I have seen many of my fellow knight's react with anger and jealousy at the merest provocation, even before they have married, and there is an oath between them and the woman, to justify such feeling of possession. As you told me what had occurred between you, I discovered that I have a more elven attitude when it comes to such things. We are not bonded mates; I have no right to expect you to cleave to me, to limit your affections in any manner. Elves are not possessive in that manner, and if they become soul-bonded there is no need for such an unseemly emotion." I explained.

"Soul-bonded?" she asked questioningly.

"The other term for it is lifemates, they are able to feel one another's emotions, know when the other is in danger. Such bonds are very seldom broken unless one of the pair dies." I explained.

Seven eyed me curiously, "You did not mention this when you spoke of courting me."

I flushed slightly, ran a nervous hand through my hair, "I find that I am torn between human customs and elven ones in this matter," I admitted somewhat sheepishly, "I was raised as a human, and the Order is primarily human. You are human, and I am partially human, thus when I first spoke with you about my feelings, I thought only of those customs. Yet, in Aglarond I was introduced to more elven customs, observed other half-elves interacting with one another."

I paused for a moment meeting her eyes, "When you mentioned Axum and seemed to expect me to react angrily, I realized that I did not wish to behave in that manner. It always seemed wrong to me, when others reacted in that manner, as if the person they were attracted to had become their possession. You are a person, you do not in any way belong to me, and I never wish to feel that way about you. If we fall in love with one another, and we pledge to be with only the other, then I will be injured if you should break that vow. Until then, you are free to see whomever you wish."

Seven stared at me, a slight frown on her face as she considered my words. "Does this mean you no longer wish to court me?" she asked confused.

I paused looking up the hallway, Seven looked as well, and I knew we could both hear another person walking. We fell silent and began walking again passing the crewmember with courteous nods and then pausing once again when the passageway was clear.

"Perhaps something more like myself, between the human and the elven, I wish to court you, to let you know of my interest, to take things slowly between us and see where these emotions lead. If we find that we can love one another then we should discuss what we wish to happen next. Whether to marry at that point according to human custom, or perhaps if we are exceptionally blessed we may form a soul-bond and choose to become life-bonded in the custom of my elven heritage."

I paused, and then offered the third option, one that was decidedly frowned upon in most Faerun human cultures, but accepted in half-elven and elven ones. "Or if we wish to do neither, we may choose to become lovemates after elven tradition, which from what I can discern is closer to what the people of this plane think of when they think of relationships." I answered her frankly. Ever since the night before, when I had determined what had been poisoning my spirit, it seemed my mind had cleared from the confusion and doubt I had been laboring underneath ever since my arrival here. I finally felt more like my old self, conflicted perhaps, between my human and elven halves, but accepting of both, and confident of my abilities and myself.

Seven looked surprised by my words, but after a moment, during which she stared at me thoughtfully, she nodded her agreement, "Something has changed since I last spoke with you." She questioned.

"Yes, Milady, thanks to you. Our discussions, and your open hearted kindness and compassion allowed me to identify what had been troubling me." I met her eyes gratefully.

Curiosity lit up Seven's eyes, "You were able to identify the source of the…taint that you felt."

"I was," I was about to continue when I heard the sound of conversation coming toward us. I fell silent and Seven glanced up the hallway with a frown, displeased with the interruption.

"There is another laboratory on this deck that is not in use at this time," Seven said as she turned around and looked back at me, obviously waiting for me to follow her.

I nodded and we walked a short way down the corridor into another smaller, but empty laboratory. "Computer seal doors; override level nine," Seven ordered as soon as they closed.

"Doors locked, override level set," the computer replied.

Seven stared at me expectantly, and I pulled my bemused attention away from the doors and back to her. "I told you that the Lovitarians tormented me for hours before they raped me." I began, "One of the things they claimed was that I wanted to be there, that because of my experiences with Lord Durass that I actually wanted to be abused, that I would find it pleasurable to be taken in that manner."

I looked at her, sensing her disbelief, "It is not so unlikely as it sounds, I know of women who have been abused since they were very young that have been trained to find pleasure in such pain. Lord Durass did occasionally attempt to train us in that manner using drugs that would cause us to feel pleasure in any touch. But he lacked patience, and he was not really interested in such things, he much preferred that we fear him and plead for him to not touch us, not for us to find pleasure in what he was doing."

My eyes had dropped to the floor and I had crossed my arms protectively over my chest as I remembered those days. Seven's gentle touch on my wrist drew me back and I dropped my arms and gave her a gentle smile. "While the Lovitarians were taunting me I was afraid, and struggling with my doubts that I would not be able to hold to my vows. It was enough that for a moment I considered those words, and wondered if I was there because some part of me wanted to be. Then when I came here and it was all such a secret, it seemed to me as if there was something shameful about what happened to me, that everyone was making such an effort to hide it."

Seven made as if to protest, "I understand now Milady, once you had explained the reasons to me." I interrupted her reassuringly. "That is why once you left I went over the events with the Lovitarians in my mind and was finally able to identify what was making me ill, why I was having such difficulty moving past that time point. Because it was less the rape and torture that followed, and more the hours they made me wait while they taunted me, that haunted my memory." I stopped and took in a deep breath, reminding myself that I was past this; it no longer had the power to torment me unless I let it.

Seven regarded me with concern, and reached up and cupped the side of my face in her hand. I reached up and took it in my own, brought it to my lips and gently kissed the palm. "I believe that I began to blame myself then, during those hours. I grew angry at myself for being in such a situation, that I was holding myself there for them to rape me. You were right when you said that my dreams had a common theme of helplessness. Only I blamed myself for holding to my oath, and not protecting myself against them, came to think that I was the one holding myself helpless for them."

I felt Seven's distress deepen, and I hurried to explain my understanding, "It was then that I remembered an old lecture by Father Tormlin, that evil rejoices when good takes on the blame for it's actions. I realized that I had not set those events in motion, none of them, I did not choose to rape or torture myself, they did. I only acted to save innocent children, and looking upon Metozi, Rebi, Azan and Icheb I knew that I would do so again if they were threatened so."

I could see the start of fear she had at the very idea of them being threatened, and regretted even bringing up the possibility. "Not that they will have to fear such a thing here, they are well protected." I assured her. "I only meant that I needed to remind myself why I was there, and that it was certainly not for the reasons they were trying to claim. I went there because of who and what I am, I am a Priestess of Ilmater, sworn to protect the innocent and take their suffering upon myself, and a Champion of Torm, also sworn to protect the innocent and helpless. I could not have done anything else, but what I did. After I realized that I prayed to Ilmater and Torm, they answered and helped cleanse the taint from me, and then they blessed me." I finished remembering the feeling of strong, supportive hands upon my shoulders.

I already knew she would have difficulty accepting my last statement, so it did not surprise me when she gave me a dubious look but remained silent. "You believe you are over your difficulties then." She stated quietly.

I shook my head, "No, not quite so easily, Milady, but I do not believe they will trouble me to the extent that they have. I just have to remember why I was there, and I have to remember not to take on the burden of their actions, only my own." She nodded looking both pleased and troubled, "I will still need a friend though, to listen to me and remind me of those facts, and to comfort me when I am struggling with my memories."

I squeezed Seven's hand which I was still holding and she looked back at me and smiled. "I will attempt to assist you in whatever way you require." She assured me, and I could tell that I had allayed her doubts.

I nodded, understanding that though she was pleased that I was feeling better, she had been worried that I would no longer need to talk with her or require her presence for comfort. Though she knew I was interested in her romantically, I didn't think she understood what that actually meant, and what level of intimacy it indicated we would have. All she knew was that the level of closeness we had now was more than she had ever experienced, and she did not want that to decrease.

I realized we had gotten sidetracked way afield from our earlier conversation, and there was something I still needed her to answer. "Seven, what do you feel for Axum." I asked her, bringing back up my earlier question.

Her eyes widened, and I could tell that the question had caught her by surprise. She took a moment to consider it before answering, "It felt real there, I remembered feeling close to him." She frowned, "But the longer I am away from Unimatrix Zero the less I remember those feelings, the more I know that none of that was actually real. Axum does not know Seven of Nine, he knows Annika Hansen, and while I am biologically that person, my experiences are not the same." Her eyes met mine and I could see the unhappiness there.

"You feel he is in love with someone who doesn't actually exist." I stated, understanding her meaning.

"He is," Seven answered, "I am not that person, even if I remembered my time in Unimatrix Zero, I would also now remember my time as a drone, and the person he knew in Unimatrix Zero did not."

"He might you know," I offered, "He might fall in love with Seven of Nine." I did not want to say it but I felt I must.

Seven glared at me, "Do you want me to love him?" she asked dropping my hand.

"No," I answered truthfully, taken aback by her anger, "But in one month from now, one year from now, I do not want you to ever wonder whether or not you did love him. I want you to be certain of your choice."

The angry look in her eye faded, "I do not have the type of feelings for him that I do for you. I only know that he feels familiar, and that touching him feels familiar."

I nodded, "I just wanted you to know that if you want to be certain, or if you just want to remember, I will not attempt to make you feel as though you should not. You are not mine, you only belong to you, and I will not take away your freedom to explore this if it is what you wish."

She tilted her head to the side, and stared at me. A long, silent moment passed while she searched my eyes then nodded, accepting my words. I barely had a hint of her intentions before she stepped closer, her arms slid around my waist, and she kissed me. With a small groan at the feel of her pressed against me, I wrapped my arms around her and returned it. Our lips moved softly against one another's, a silent statement of intention.

Seven ended the kiss and I loosened my arms immediately, though she did not release me, "And if I do not wish to explore what was between Axum and I." she challenged me, her blue eyes focused on mine.

"That is also up to you, I did not mean to imply that you had to, Seven. I just wanted you to know that you could, if you desired to." I assured her gently.

The door chirped, someone had tried to walk in.

Seven ignored it, "I do not wish to, I do not know Axum, he does not know who I am. I wish to explore our feelings."

"Lt. Torres to Seven of Nine," Seven's com badge demanded her attention. She did not respond, only staring at me awaiting an answer.

"Then that is what we shall do," I responded.

The door chirped once again.

Seven leaned in and brushed her lips against mine once again, giving me an intense look as she did so, before stepping away and unlocking the door.

As the doors opened, I bowed formally to Seven, "Milady, thank you once again for sharing your insight and for your kindness." I straightened, ignoring for the moment the presence of Lt. Torres.

Seven smiled at me, amusement glinting in her eye at my behavior. "I am pleased that I could be of assistance, Champion Arana." she replied just as formally.

I turned, and took in Lt. Torres expression, which was an interesting mixture of suspicion and confusion. "Lt. Torres, my apologies for the delay," I said to her, inclining my head politely as I stepped out of the room and headed back towards the main science lab and the children.

"What was that about?" Lt. Torres asked Seven behind me.

"A private conversation Lt. Torres, you required my assistance?" I heard Seven reply.

After leaving Seven I entered the science lab, nodded to the children and resumed my studies. I was not certain how much time had passed when I heard the unmistakable sound of trumpets blowing a clarion call to battle. I stood abruptly, the stool I had been sitting upon falling to the floor behind me. I looked around, but could only see the four children staring at me in surprise.

"Did you just hear anything?" I asked them, suspecting what had just happened, but wanting to be sure.

They looked at me and then at each other, finally Icheb spoke, "I hear the warp core, the sound of the equipment in this laboratory."

"Trumpets," I clarified, "Did you hear the sound of trumpets blowing."

Icheb looked at the other children inquiringly again, then back to me, "I am not aware of what trumpets sound like?"

I smiled, albeit somewhat grimly, "You would have noticed, even if you didn't recognize what it was. I will need aid donning my armor, will you assist me?" I directed the question to all of them, knowing there would be a revolt if I only asked Icheb and not the other three.

They promptly came and stood before me, "We would be pleased to assist you." Metozi assured me with keen interest.

We arrived at my quarters and I excused myself to my bath room to change clothing. Seven had assisted me with designing the specialized clothing to wear under my armor. Instead of woolen padded underclothing, I had a body suit to wear similar to Seven's biosuit, and like hers it helped regulate my body temperature. She had examined my armor and made some design modifications in the fasteners used to attach the pieces together. Instead of leather and buckles, there were tension straps that would not fray or break, and that could be adjusted at any point along their length.

"That looks like Seven's biosuit," observed Metozi when I stepped out of the bathroom.

"Very like," I agreed as I grabbed the chain mail leggings and pulled them on, and then tightened them about my waist with the belt Seven had designed for them. Next came the boots, again designed by Seven, though for these she had consulted with Commander Tuvok.

"Sabatons and greaves," I asked, upon getting blank looks I said, "Boots and calf guards." These I did not need help with, accepting the pieces as they handed them to me; I slid the sabatons over my boots and fastened them, then strapped the greaves over my lower legs. Standing, I walked over to my closet and got out the dark blue arming doublet, "This is an arming doublet, note the chain mail attached to it on the arms, and the chain skirting covering the hips and upper thighs, to protect me where my plate armor does not cover," I lectured as I put the garment on.

"Now is where I need assistance," I informed them pulling the breastplate off the stand. The breastplate consisted of a front, the actual breastplate, and a back plate. Straps fastened it at the shoulder and sides. Kneeling I held the breastplate to my front and directed them on how to position the back plate and then attach the two together.

Next came the cuisses, or thigh armor. I preferred to use elven style cuisses; fortunately that was what Torm had given me. A wide curving piece of armor fitted about my waist, protecting it, my lower back and tailbone, and fastened in the front like a belt. Hanging from the sides of the waist piece were the long curved sections of thigh armor. The thigh armor went from the plate belt to below my knees, and in width covered the back of my thigh and then curved around to protect the front. Leaving only my inner thigh and groin unprotected, except for the chain mail I was wearing underneath them.

Seven had redesigned the straps attaching the thigh armor to the waist piece, and the strap that ran along my inner thigh holding the armor securely in place. The new straps, unlike leather, stretched and allowed me a greater range of movement. Now I could stand fully armored and move my legs freely.

The vambraces I easily fastened to my own arms, but the pauldrons or shoulder armor I again needed the children's assistance.

"Metozi could you braid my hair in a coil on the top of my head please," I requested from the young girl, then knelt so that she could perform the task.

"Seven of Nine to Icheb," I remembered not to move my head as I glanced toward the young man, realizing that Seven had likely come looking for us after assisting Lt. Torres.

"Yes, Seven," he replied politely.

"Why are you in Arana's quarters instead of the science laboratory?" she asked, puzzlement in her tones.

Icheb looked at me, "We are assisting her with donning her armor," he replied proudly.

"Tell her that I have been summoned, the time and place Ilmater wished me to be present for will occur very soon." I asked him.