Chapter 5

I ran out of cocaine and I had to join Masami soon. Very soon. I could not control my desire for the white powder anymore. And every time I prepared another line I knew I needed more than one to satisfy my desire.

My mind was screaming for release, I could not go to work without having "breakfast" on the toilet. It was awful because I always had to be afraid that Yuki found out what was going on.

I did not want him to know my secret. I still hoped everything was just a nightmare and one day I would wake up and things turned back into normal.

But nothing like this did happen.

Instead the world was grey with some colors in it sometimes. Yuki was light, but I had the bad feeling he was turning away from me day after day.

He tried to treat me kind and fondly, but there were still moments he yelled at me for being an idiot. And in fact, I was an idiot.

Yuki started to look old and confused. I avoided looking at him when I left the house. I was an awful untrue person, somebody who was not worth to have someone like Yuki. I knew I was an annoying brat, loud and childish. I knew I started crying too easily. And I thought it was my fault that Yuki was looking tired and old.

But it felt bad to destroy the annoying, loud and childish me.

The brand new single was a success and we had to do a few appearances on TV and the radio. Our fans and the press loved our new songs and my new look.

I used to wear sun glasses in public so that nobody was able to have a look in my tired and irritated eyes. I wore a smile that wasn't mine and I was mentioned in an article of the "J-Pop newsmagazine" as "the thin and fragile Shindou".

I was a star on stage, wild and passionate for the music. I loved to feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins, making my success and popularity clear for everybody.

Back at home I was the weak and tired Shuichi, exhausted from the curios looks of the press and the public. Exhausted from pretending to be the strong and happy vocalist.

Home with Yuki meant prison to me because I had to face my true self. And I was frightened to take a look on the pieces of my broken soul.

What had happened to me?

Yuki had decided to pick me up after work from NG-records and I agreed, although I regretted his idea when I entered the building.

We had an interview with a girl-magazine. Suguru was proud of it and I let the idiot be happy. My masquerade was perfect again.

The young woman was nervous at the beginning of our interview, but later she relaxed. Thanks to Hiro, he was very charming. It was quite nice and when the woman left Suguru sighed and leaned back.

"That was good! You've done a real good job" he looked at me and I smiled – friendly so Suguru was irritated for a few seconds.

"Of course I did" I whispered and suddenly burst into tears.

My beautiful daze, the beautiful state of being strong and successful left me within a few seconds. And I could not do anything but cry. The world was so ugly. Everybody was ugly and stupid who thought I was happy or good or successful.

I was nothing at that moment – not even cute.

I wanted everything to stop! I did not want to continue like this. I needed somebody to wake me up, somebody who could save me from myself.

But it was easier to pretend.

Suddenly I opened my eyes. Where was I?

I sighed in relief when I noticed it was one of the rooms we used when we needed rest. But where were Hiro and Suguru? What was the time?

I lifted myself off the couch and walked slowly to the door. I could hear two people talking. One of them was definitely Hiro and the other voice was the one of my lover. I swallowed and tried to listen what they were talking about.

I still felt dizzy but tried to follow the conversation.

"…not sure what's wrong with him. He acts very strange. First I thought you had a fight, but then I had the bad feeling he continued the whole thing."

That was Hiro and a frustrated whimper escaped my lips when I could not catch the words Yuki spoke.

"I should have told you earlier, I thought he had stopped taking this shit."

No! That could not be true! Hiro was cheating on me! He had broken his promise to tell Yuki about the joint-incident. My hands clenched to fists and I bit my lip not to start screaming out loudly.

How dare him!

"Stupid brat" I could hear Yuki say, a few steps were made to the door. "I'll talk to him when he's awake. Good for you to call me…but it would have been better if you had told me about this thing earlier!"

Yukis voice was cold.

But how dare them! How could they talk about me like this?

Yuki stared at me in shock when he opened the door. He looked confused and then closed his eyes.

"Let's go home now; I think we have some things to discuss."

"I don't think so!" I answered angrily and pushed him away from me. I did not want both of them to worry about me. I was so angry with them because they did not even know what was going on with me!

I just wanted to leave them now, I wanted to be left alone, but Yuki followed me. Before I went out of the room I gave Hiro an angry gaze and I think he knew what it was for.

I stayed silent during the way home in the car and Yuki did not feel the need to talk to me.

Maybe he was angry because he had to work things out with me now and I interrupted him with his novel – or he was really worried about me.

God, did he really think I could change that much just because of some pot?

"Shuichi" Yuki suddenly broke the silence "Was Hiroshi-kun right and you still smoke pot?" His gaze was still focused on the street and the traffic, but I knew he expected me to answer.

I shook my head; sure about the fact Yuki noticed it.

"Don't lie to me!" His head turned around to face me; his eyes were angry and worried the same time. He looked old.

"I don't lie to you! I don't, so shut up about this. I don't want to talk to you while you're asking me such stupid questions. Just believe me, Yuki!"

I could feel the anger inside of him growing, but I did not want him to realize the truth. And, on the other side, I did not lie to him when I told him "no."

I felt so bad and rushed into the bathroom immediately when we arrived home. Yuki did not even have the chance to talk to me.

There was still a little powder inside of the package and I had to consume it. I could barely live without it; it was the elixir of life to me.

"Shuichi! Come out NOW!"

Yuki stood in front of the door which was locked and I knew he became angrier minute after minute I stayed inside of the bathroom. I don't know what he expected me to do inside, but it seemed like he knew that it was something bad.

"Shut up and leave me alone! I don't need you inside here!"

I lowered my head and sniffed the little line of the white gold that was in front of me. It was not enough, but it should last for a short while to calm me.

Inside of me everything was burning and I felt hot. I tossed my shoes away and released myself from the shirt I wore.

I did not want Yuki to be mad with me; I wanted him to smile again, although it did not happen that often. But he was so beautiful when he smiled. And that special smile was for my eyes only.

I opened the door quickly and Yuki still stood in front of it.

"What did you do inside?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing except what all people do when they are on toilet."

I giggled and Yuki looked down on me.

"So you're in a better mood now?"

He rose and eyebrow and stepped inside the bathroom. He tried to make out a strange smell, but there was the usual smell of soap, water and toothpaste in the bathroom. He came back to me and gave me an odd look.

"Ah, Yuki, trust me, I told you I'm alright!"

I hugged him and kissed him on his lips. He did not respond my touch, but I just wanted to feel him, to make him desire me again.

Something so I could feel myself again. To make him feel how the happy and new Shindou Shuichi was.

Wasn't he so much better? Because he did not want to complain, because he always smiled?

I pushed my tongue inside of his mouth, my arms around his neck and my left leg on its journey over Yukis'.

"Don't you want to fuck me?" I closed my eyes and let Yuki kiss my neck, my ear, my lips.

I smiled and giggled but all I felt inside of me was that this was wrong.

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind: Did Yuki wanted all this? Did he send me to Masami and his friends? Maybe Hiro wanted me to end like this, too? Maybe all they wanted was a crazy drug slut.

I broke away from the kiss, looking at Yuki how he unzipped his pants.

I was sure he was going to kill me.

Because I was such an incredibly stupid and terrible person! I breathed in and out loudly, my eyes wide in shock and focused on what Yuki was doing.

Why did he look at me like that?
His lips formed to a devilish smirk, his eyes cold and – golden. But so very cold. And I could hear him say

"You've been a bad boy, Shuichi, you little slut, you dirty whore. I hate you and you won't come out of here alive!"

I could hear him repeat this over and over again.

I tried to crawl away from him, but he held my hips so I couldn't move.

"You want to kill me!" I screamed and tried to push him away with my feet.

I turned around to face him. For a short moment I thought he was watching me in shock, unsure what to do next. But this illusion faded and the smirk appeared on his lips again.

"Oh yes, you are right!" he whispered into my ear and a terrible laughter filled the room. I started to scream, I wanted him to go off me when I saw the knife he held.

"You are going to pay for everything you did, little slut!"

He wanted to kill me. My beloved Yuki wanted to kill me. Because of what? What was it for? Did I earn it?

Maybe…

Because I was not innocent anymore, because I was a little slut, because I was annoying and loud and a brat…and so many other things.

But I did not want to be killed by him.

I screamed and squirmed beneath him, I begged him to let me free, but he did not care.

Before he could move again to push the knife inside my heart, I hit his face and kicked him off me.

When I felt the weight on my body leave I jumped down from the bed and ran into the bathroom again.

Hectically I locked the door and cried.

"You won't kill me, Yuki! I did this all by myself, that's none of your business anymore. I'll bring it to an end by myself!"

Suddenly everything around me started to dance in slow motion, I felt dizzy. My stomach cramped and I knew I had to spit out everything I had inside of it.

I reached the lavatory basin and threw up, although there was nothing that could be inside my stomach.

I heard Yuki at the door, he tried to come inside, and he shouted my name over and over again.

"Shuichi! Don't do something stupid, open the door!"

He was furious but I ignored him. I did not want to see him like this after what he had tried to do. But maybe that had been my imagination?

I started to cry again and shout back at him that he should leave me alone.

I could not see the difference between reality and imagination anymore.

My stomach still ached although there was nothing else left inside of it.

"I'm dying…." I whispered to myself and fainted.