FArana – Book 1 - Chapter 15
By Kudara
Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and all who sail in her belong to Paramount/Viacom and no infringement of copyright/trade marks is intended.
Disclaimer: The Dungeons and Dragons Roleplaying System is owned by Wizards of the Coast and no infringement of copyright/trademarks is intended. The only thing I would like to lay claim to is the original D&D character used in this story.
Rating: (M +16).
Feedback: Always welcome, feedback is what encourages me to keep writing. Please let me know what you like and what you dislike about the story.
Revision History: 01/22/06
Summary: Q gives a history lesson, Seven and Arana discuss what happened earlier.
Q snapped his fingers and with a flash of bright light we were no longer in the Captain's ready room. Instead we were seated around a large wood table, and with us were the rest of Voyager's senior staff, Commanders Chakotay and Tuvok, Lieutenants Torres and Paris and Ensign Kim.
I ignored for the moment the various exclamations of surprise from the others at their change in location and looked curiously around the room. There was an expensive looking rug on the floor, and medium toned wood paneling, some type of oak I thought from the color and grain, covered the walls. At one end of the room, in a dark stone fireplace a fire burned. I could sense no danger to us in the immediate area, and so focused my attention on what was being said around the table.
"Where have you taken us Q," Janeway demanded of him. I didn't know whether to be impressed at her courage, or wonder at her impudence; I would not address someone as powerful as I suspected Q was in that manner.
"You wanted a briefing didn't you?" he asked her with a smirk. "Or I can send you all back to your precious ship, and you can try to figure it out for yourselves instead of me simply telling you what you need to know." The mirthful demeanor dropped suddenly and he turned grim. "And if you don't figure it out correctly, you may find that your comfortable god-free universe ceases to exist. Then you will become all too familiar with Arana's reality."
"The deities of Toril are Q," Seven deduced.
The pronouncement drew every ones attention, including Q's. He looked away from Captain Janeway toward Seven, "Brilliant, as well as beautiful," he complemented her. "Yes, the deities of Toril are Q, but they're no longer welcome in the Continuum or this Universe."
Janeway sat down in the chair nearest her, "What does this have to do with Toril, and the Borg?" her face worried.
Q looked darkly somber, "A very long time ago there were a group of Q who viewed mortals as their playthings, their toys, to be treated however they wished. Two members of that group were particularly cruel; Arana knows of them as Bane and Lolth or Lovitar."
I drew in a breath of shock at the linking of the Drow's Queen of Spiders and the Maiden of Pain.
"Yes," Q spoke to me, "One Q, two names, the same sick, twisted psychopath whatever you call her." We stared at one another, and I caught a bare hint of fear and anger from him as he spoke of her, and it crossed my mind that perhaps he had his own personal memories of Lovitar.
I was trying to fit what he had just revealed with what I had thought I knew of Faerun's deities, but my mind was too confused at the moment to think clearly. One thing I did know though, if Q was speaking the truth then I knew that Lovitar had tortured at least one Q, Ilmater, so it was not surprising to think that perhaps she had tortured others as well.
Q turned back to Janeway, "And Bane wasn't that much better, he was just more interested in leaving some of the mortals alive so he could order then around and watch them cower in fear."
"You said there was a group of these Q?" asked Chakotay.
"Yes, Bane and Lolth were by far the worst of them, but there were several others that thought the same way, and treated mortals similarly." Q answered him. "To make a long story short, the Continuum for the most part ignored their activities, but there were a few Q who took it upon themselves to try and stop them from indulging in their favorite pastime. The confrontations between the two groups escalated, during one of them Bane's group managed to capture a few of the Q from the other group and decided that they deserved to be treated like mortals since they were so intent on protecting them."
"Ilmater?" I questioned, feeling somewhat lost, was he telling the truth or spinning an elaborate lie for his own reasons? I knew that the gods were notoriously close mouthed about their pasts, their relationship to one another, why they did some things and why they didn't do others. Most of the things the common people thought were true about the gods were merely stories that had been told by clerics and priests to explain their actions to their followers. If what Q were saying was the truth, why had the gods not simply told us of this, instead of letting their priests make up inaccurate tales.
Q hesitated, but then answered me, "Yes, the Q you call Ilmater was one of those captured, and of that group, he was the one Q Bane and Lolth despised the most because of the way he treated mortals."
"They tortured him," Captain Janeway said, "Is that why they were thrown out of the Continuum?"
Q nodded bleakly to her, "When the Continuum realized what Bane and Lolth were doing they finally acted, it was one thing to treat mortals so, another thing to do it to another Q. Fortunately, the Continuum demanded, and was able to force Bane and Lolth into releasing their captives before they managed to destroy Ilmater. The Continuum banished all of them, but they refused to leave unless they were allowed to take a group of mortals with them, they had grown…addicted to tormenting them I guess. The Continuum agreed rather than risk an all out war that would destroy the Universe."
"The mortals they took with them are the current inhabitants of Toril?" asked Commander Tuvok. "That would explain the unusual diversity of sentient species living on Toril; they were taken from different planets in this universe."
Q nodded, "They are," Q's dark eyes shifted to me, "and rather than leave those mortals completely at the mercy of the Q that were banished, some of the Q who had been trying to protect them voluntarily went into exile as well."
"Tyr, Ilmater, Lathander, Chauntea, Selune and the other good deities," I guessed, and my heart lightened. No matter what proved to be the truth about my gods, knowing that they had voluntarily chosen to accept exile from their own people to protect us warmed me.
"Yes," Q replied.
I straightened in my chair, the moment of doubt I felt fading at this confirmation. This information, that my deities were powerful, advanced beings from this plane changed nothing of my loyalty, duty, and, yes, my feelings towards my chosen deities. They had never lied to me about who they were. Ilmater understood my past, and the difficulties I had to overcome, because he had also suffered. Torm understood my need to protect the innocent and helpless, because he had answered the same call, and had chosen the same path. None of those essential truths had changed.
Q and I stared at each other for a moment, then just for a second, he smiled at me and regarded me with what appeared to be genuine affection. In the next moment it was gone, and I wasn't entirely certain whether I had actually witnessed it or not.
"So, why would Bane send an emissary to the Borg?" asked Captain Janeway, with a deep frown on her face.
"Ah well, there your guesses would be as accurate as mine," Q's tone and demeanor was suddenly closer to how it had been before we had started this discussion about Bane and Lolth. He smirked, and raised his hand and snapped his fingers. The wood paneled room disappeared and suddenly we were standing in Voyager's briefing room arranged randomly around the table, minus the presence of Q.
A deep sigh drew my attention to Captain Janeway who was once again rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Alright, everyone sit down, lets go over what we know now," she dropped her hand, "I'll stand for now," she forestalled anyone else's offer, as there was one less seat than needed.
"What just happened? Why was Q telling us that Arana's deities are other Q?" Lt. Torres asked confused, and I remembered that she had not been present on the bridge. She had not witnessed the scene and subsequent fight between Askal and me.
Ensign Kim and Lt. Paris filled her in hurriedly about the contact by the Borg Queen, the appearance of Askal, they awkwardly glossed over his taunting of me and my response, and then told how Q appeared and transported Askal and I to an arena to fight. I hadn't known until they mentioned it that the entire fight had been somehow projected onto Voyagers view screen.
"By the way, what was that first spell Askal cast at you? The black looking one with the shrieking sound?" Lt. Paris asked me.
"Destruction, a death spell," I answered him, remembering with a chill how close that moment had been, "It was fortunate I recognized the type of spell in time to counter it, or that would have been a very short, unfortunate fight for me." Startled looks from around the table prompted me to explain further, "The spell kills instantly, and then destroys the body so that only a very high level cleric can resurrect the person, providing of course their deity is willing."
Seven had whipped her head around and stared at me during my first sentence, and I could now clearly feel her concern and fear for me. I cursed myself silently, I should have considered her before speaking so, and not been so thoughtless in my delivery of the information. Seven, of course, had not known the nature of the spell, or how deadly that moment could have been until this moment.
"I can't believe we're talking about spells and magic, it's bioelectrical energy that Arana stores and manipulates, not some hocus pocus," Lt. Torres rebuked them irritated, interrupting anything Seven might have wanted to say to me.
Seven gave me a speaking look, and I knew we would be discussing the battle later, then shifted her attention to Lt Torres. I did so as well, relieved that whatever Seven wanted to say to me would be spoken in private, and replied to the Lieutenant, "I am aware of that Lt. Torres, but I do not consciously control it, anymore than I consciously cause my heart to beat. I require the use of words and gestures to form and control this energy; to me they are spells and magic."
"You mentioned resurrection, does that mean that we will be seeing that guy again?" asked Lt. Paris.
"Not unless there is another priest of sufficiently high level there to raise him, or the Borg Queen has access to a portal and sends his body back to Bane's priests on Toril." I replied.
"How likely do you consider that possibility?" asked Tuvok.
"That there is another priest there? Or that the Queen has access to a portal?" I asked him confused.
"Both," he replied succinctly.
I sat back in my chair and considered the question, "He would likely have an aide, given his position, but it is unlikely that the aide would be of sufficient skill to petition Bane bring him back from death, and then of course there is the fact that Bane seldom grants followers who have failed him such a second chance." I shrugged, "But that is impossible for me to forecast, Bane is an unpredictable god."
"As for a portal?" I considered it and frowned, "Somehow I doubt there is one, at least not one that would be kept open. The Borg Queen is a powerful woman, and one that already wants to conquer this plane. I do not think he would want to give her any reason to believe she might be able to expanding her plans to include Toril. I also doubt that she would be interested in the possibility of Bane expanding his conquest plans to this universe. Either way, I do not think it likely that an open portal exists between the two planes." I paused, reconsidering my statement, "Unless he was convinced she was under his control." I added.
"Do you think he could do that?" asked Captain Janeway sharply.
"Bring the Borg under his control? I have no idea. I do not know enough about the Queen or how she controls the Collective to even make a decent guess," I replied.
"You think he's trying to bring the Borg to Toril to assimilate them?" asked Chakotay surprised, and from his tone unconvinced.
"Didn't you say Bane wants complete control of Toril?" Captain Janeway asked me.
I nodded silently seeing where she was going with this line of thought. Assimilation did give one complete control over the person assimilated; only why would Bane think he would be the one who would be controlling the Collective instead of the Borg Queen.
"I do not see how that would gain him his objective." Seven said perplexed, "The Borg Queen would then be the one controlling Toril not he."
"Unless if he thinks he can control her," Captain Janeway repeated my statement as she paced slowly around the table, and everyone turned in their seats to watch her, "If I am remembering correctly, he doesn't mind his underlings having their own kingdoms just so long as they understand that he is the one that has ultimate control?" she glanced at me inquiringly.
"You are correct," I confirmed.
"Or maybe he just wants to come back, maybe he's got a grudge against the Q here for banishing him," Lt. Paris pointed out.
Captain Janeway sighed, "Q's right these are all guesses, we don't have enough information to even evaluate which one is most likely."
"We do know one thing," I stated. Captain Janeway looked at me inquiringly, "Whatever he has planned it is likely to be unpleasant for either the people in this plane, or the people in mine, or both."
There were general murmurs of agreement from around the table.
Captain Janeway returned my gaze, nodding grimly. "Alright, we're going ahead with our plans to infiltrate the Borg cube and release the virus to allow the drones from Unimatrix Zero so they can retain their memories while they are awake." She looked around the table, "It will help them, and at the very least it will keep the Borg Queen busy with her own issues, and if we are lucky it will do some significant damage to the Collective."
"Seven, I regret that I did not think to…," I struggled for the right words, while Seven helped me remove my armor. "Find a gentler way to tell Lt. Paris the effects of Askal's spell. I did not mean to cause you distress."
Seven hesitated for a moment, then proceeded to finish hanging my breastplate on its stand. "My response was illogical; you did not have a choice in whether or not to fight him." I began to correct her knowing that I would have chosen to had Q actually asked me when she continued, "And I know that you would have agreed if Q had asked, it is your duty to stop the servants and works of Bane whenever you are presented the chance to do so." She stared at me, solemnly.
"It is, Milady," I confirmed. I felt a chill go through me, and wondered if she was reconsidering her decision. My duty to Torm meant that I went into danger frequently, I would understand if she decided that she did not want to fall in love with me.
"What are you thinking?" Seven asked, coming back over to me and gazing into my eyes.
"That I would understand if you decided you would rather not fall in love with me, that you would rather choose someone who was not likely to leave you alone and grieving because they had been killed." I answered her truthfully.
Her eyes narrowed, "I agreed to let you continue courting me after seeing your confrontation with Askal, after rescuing you from the Lovitarians, after seeing how damaged you were that day. I believe I have an accurate understanding of the risks you engage in because of your duties." From her tone and expression I could not possibly miss the fact that she was not pleased with me. "The Borg cube we are about to engage is a Class 4 Tactical Cube, heavily armed, heavily shielded, if they chose to engage Voyager we will lose and be assimilated." she stated bluntly.
I was surprised; I had not known that the Borg vessel they planned to infiltrate was so dangerous. I groaned, and ran my hand thorough my hair, "My pardon Milady, it is so peaceful here that I had forgotten what I learned from the ships logs. You go into as much danger as I do." I pulled off the arming jacket and stared at it for a moment blankly before shaking myself and turning to hang it in the proper place.
"Arana, what is causing this uncertainty," Seven asked, her eyes intent upon me.
I opened my mouth, and then closed it realizing that I could not in all honesty claim that nothing was making me uncertain. She was right something was bothering me, but my thoughts were such confusion I could not immediately identify any one thing. "I am not certain," I finally admitted to her.
I stared into her blue eyes for a moment, then turned and looked out the viewport, crossing my arms across my chest. We were in normal space and I could see inky blackness lit by the occasional star. I sighed, I had not been entirely truthful, "There is a saying to be careful of what you wish to happen just in case some mischievous spirit is listening."
Seven came up beside me and rested her hand on my defensively crossed arms, "This is about what Askal revealed."
"Though I know I could not have done anything to stop him, I do not like people to know of him or what happened to me during those parties," I admitted bleakly.
Seven replied softly, "I remember, you informed me you would prefer that I not share that information when you spoke with me about them."
"I was terrified of him, and what would happen whenever he came to one of Durass's parties. I thought several times that he was going to kill me, he beat me so violently. Sometimes I provoked him in the hope that he would, and it would all be over." I stared at her, feeling oddly separated from what I thought I should be feeling. Memories of those dark, hopeless days were so close to me at this moment, yet I felt as detached as I had looking into Askal's dead eyes. "I feel as thought I should be feeling something… anger, fear, pain, but all I feel is muted, as if my emotions are far away from me."
Seven's hand tightened on my arm, and I felt her concern for me. Her eyes shifted to the side in a manner I had become familiar with, and I could tell she was accessing her cortical node for information. Her eyes focused upon me again, "You are experiencing emotional numbness," she stated questioningly.
Slowly I nodded, "Yes, and yes, I know that it not an uncommon reaction to events which prompt memories of abuse. I have seen this in other women." I knew the reaction, I understood that I was experiencing it, but I could not seem to gather the strength to fight it.
"How did you assist them?" Seven asked me.
"Took them out of the situation that prompted it if possible, made certain they felt safe, discussed it with them if they wished to do so, reassured them that they were not responsible for their attackers actions," I recited, it was what Father Tormlin had taught me, and what he had done for me frequently in those early years.
Seven stated straightforwardly, "Askal is dead; he cannot hurt you or anyone now. You are the one who terminated him, as you stated you are not a slave girl now, you are a skilled fighter, and priestess." I looked at her, my attention caught by the plainly spoken words and the surety with which she spoke them, reinforced by the emotions I could sense from her.
My lips quirked in a slight smile, "I am out of the situation, and not only that but I'm fairly certain that he won't be resurrected so I've made sure it can't happen again." My momentary amusement left and my smile faded, as I contemplated the next question. It was more the crux of my current situation, it wasn't that I did not feel safe here, I did, but I also felt…exposed was probably the most correct word.
Seven hesitated, "Do you still feel safe here? Or has the information revealed earlier about Askal's abuse of you changed your perception."
I was silent for a moment, reluctantly I finally said, "At the time I was in battle mode, my thoughts were more toward stopping him from getting an advantage over me. My revelation was a counter attack, by stating it myself I threw him off balance, his type is too used to their victims cowering before them, not confronting them."
"And now?" Seven asked softly.
I dropped my eyes from hers, a silent answer.
Seven stepped closer, close enough that my crossed arms almost touched her chest, and I could feel the heat of her body. My eyes flew up to hers, startled, "You are concerned about how the crew will react to this information." Her voice was gentle.
"I am," I admitted reluctantly. "Even if I do not hear them discussing it I will feel their emotions."
Seven frowned, "I believe that most empaths shield themselves from sensing other's emotions."
"I have been attempting to shield myself from their emotions," I hurried to assure her, "But when they are feeling something strongly it breaches my efforts to not sense them."
"Tuvok has been assisting you with this?" Seven inquired.
I nodded, "Yes, and I have been researching your databases for information about how other empathic races control their abilities. I found a few documents by a Commander Deanna Troi, a Starfleet counselor, that have proven helpful, but even she states that she cannot shield her senses enough to completely block out another's emotions if they are strongly felt." I did not feel like bringing up that I thought that it was not entirely a bad thing. I felt this had been gifted to me so that I could sense when others needed me, or when someone was a danger to me or another person.
Seven tugged on my arm and led me to the inset couch to sit down. She shifted so she could face me, and laid her left hand lightly on my thigh. I covered it with mine and absently began tracing the metal banding on her fingers.
"I do not know how the other crewmembers will react. They have frequently surprised me with the compassion of their responses to certain situations." Seven stated after a thoughtful moment. "I know you do not want them to feel pity for you, and I do not think it likely that many will, you are not a person that inspires pity. After you left the bridge with Captain Janeway, the conversations I overheard were more concerned with how it was possible for you to create a personal forcefield to protect yourself from his attacks and how fearless you appeared. There were no discussions about what he said to you, or your reply."
Seven leaned forward slightly, emphasizing her words, "The crew does not perceive you as a person needing their pity. You are seen as a person with strong religious beliefs and a strict moral code, someone capable of protecting yourself and others. And now they have seen that your capability to manipulate energy is not just for creating globes of light, but is actually a rather significant ability."
"You are saying I should not prejudge how they will react, this may not be as difficult as my fears have me anticipating." I replied thoughtfully. "If I do not act like I am expecting people to pity me, then I am not likely to incite any, this I already know from my own experiences. I learned long ago that a puzzled but polite response to searching inquiries about my emotional state was an effective way of discouraging them."
Seven smirked. "Ah, I see you know that one as well," I commented, seeing the wry amusement in her eyes.
"I have not used it for that purpose, but it is an effective method of discouraging personal inquires of almost any nature." Seven replied. "Though in the past I did not appreciate why I needed to frame my replies in a polite manner that is one of the reasons I became perceived as being rude. Though I attempt to be polite now, the impression people formed of me the first year I was aboard Voyager seems to be the one most still associate with me."
I nodded in unhappy agreement, "First impressions are lasting ones," I squeezed her hand underneath mine encouragingly, "But with persistence you will persuade people to see that you have changed."
Seven raised her brow for a moment, considering my words, "I shall continue my efforts then." Her eyes examined mine and she drew in a breath.
Before she could speak, I asked the question for her, "And the final question, do I feel as though I was responsible for Askal's actions." Unnoticed by me, my hand on hers stilled, ceasing its caressing movement.
Seven nodded, watching me with concern. I noted, but did not think much of the fact that her eyes flickered briefly to our joined hands.
"No, not responsible, but I cannot forget what the Murkal made me feel, that it caused me to feel pleasure when he hit me, when he raped me." I took a deep breath, a moment to control my emotions, "That is why I still remember him, when I have for the most part forgotten all the others at those parties."
Seven stared at me uncertainly, I knew she could sense there was more to it than what I had mentioned. I thought briefly about not continuing, finding an excuse to end the conversation. I looked into her eyes, saw and felt her compassion, her yearning to ease the pain I was feeling, and I was ashamed of that thought.
I glanced away from her, my gaze fell upon my armor, on Torm's symbol on its breastplate. That symbol represented the way I had lived my life for the last ten years, I was no longer that child, I was no longer unable to protect myself, and I was not going to hide myself from the woman I was falling in love with.
I met Seven's eyes once again, "I still feel shame that I felt that, that I could not control it. Durass was never interested in whether or not I felt pleasure when he touched me, and I never did. Some of the men were almost kind and tried to make me enjoy what they were doing to me," I grimaced, "But it is impossible to forget that you are a slave, and no one really cares if you are willing or no, when the other men at the party are standing around watching and commenting. I cannot say that if I had been alone with one of them that I would not have allowed myself to relax and cooperate for once, but that never happened."
Seven nodded, and her eyes met mine with gentle understanding. I took in a relieved breath at her reaction, comforted that I could neither see nor feel any condemnation or even distaste from her at my revelations. Seven tilted her head to the side, and frowned, "What is the effect of Murkal?"
I could feel my face harden, "Murkal causes you to feel pleasure in the same amount as you feel pain. It is a foul drug, made from an aphrodisiac that has been ensorcelled, and forbidden in most kingdoms, but not in Thay." Seven was looking at me wide eyed at my response, or perhaps it was my expression.
Finally she recovered, "Then you had as little choice as I, why do you expect me to forgive myself for the things I did as a drone when you will not forgive yourself for that?"
I straightened in surprise and dismay, "Because you should forgive yourself, Seven. I've looked in your databases, and found out what happens when you are assimilated. If I were to be assimilated I would no longer be myself, why I would…" I took in a distressed breath, "I would not be able to stop myself from assimilating you if I was ordered to."
"You are correct;" Seven replied coolly, "The assimilation process submerges the individual's identity and links you to the Collective mind which is controlled by the Borg Queen." Seven paused for a moment, her face became determined, "You do not blame me for my actions when I was in the Collective and have encouraged me to understand that I was not acting of my own will. Why do you not extend the same understanding to yourself?" Her blue eyes met mine unwaveringly, giving me no quarter in this matter.
I hung my head, yielding to her reasoning, and let out a discontented sigh, "I do usually." I raised my head again and met her determined gaze, "Sometimes that task is harder than others. This isn't a fight I can win once, and declare a victory, now and again it stalks me, and catches me unaware as it did today." Seven's gaze softened at my words. "I was not expecting to see him." I finished.
Seven nodded unhappily, there seemed to be little more to say. I was not going to be able to forget the memories this day had raised that easily, though our discussion had certainly helped clear my head and I did not feel disconnected anymore.
"Seven," I waited until I had her attention, "Thank you," I said earnestly. "I do not feel numb anymore, and my thoughts are clear. You have helped me greatly, and even if I still feel some shame over how the Murkal made me react, I no longer feel the amount of dismay about the crew knowing as I did before we began talking." I was pleased when Seven's expression lightened as a result of my words.
"There is something else," I admitted. Seven looked at me inquiringly, "I have never stated what happened to me so plainly, not even to Father Tormlin. Seeing your acceptance of it, your understanding, it helps lessen the memory's dark hold over me. It is something I already knew, that speaking of a thing lessens its hold over one, but I have never trusted anyone enough to speak of this until now."
Seven gave me a gentle, warm look, and emboldened by it I asked, "May I embrace you?" needing to feel the comfort of her arms around me.
Seven lifted one brow slightly, "Arana do you wish me to make a request of you whenever I wish to kiss or embrace you?"
"No," I replied immediately, somewhat confused as to why she had asked, but gamely I apologized, "I did not mean to make you think so, Milady."
Seven smiled slightly and the brow rose further. Finally I understood what she was telling me, and flushed at my slowness.
I leaned toward her, and carefully rested my head on her shoulder, then wrapped my arms around her. She shifted closer, wrapped one arm around my back and began stroking my hair slowly. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to relax into her, listening to the strong beat of her heart, and enjoying the soothing feel of her hand moving over my hair.