Chapter 7

You know, all people have these little habits that get you down.

Shuichi usually bounces around and is noisy and that gives me a headache. And although I tell him to keep it down he is always smiling.

In those days his smile was not the usual. It was definitely not himself.

But it was not his strange smile alone that made me feel something was not right with him. When he looked at me I saw big and sad eyes.

What were they for? I did not do anything to him. I did not believe he thought my words were the truth; he could not be that stupid!

So I thought it would make him happy again when I sleep with him every night, like he always wanted it: soft and gentle. He had to understand it, but now I know he didn't and this is my fault.

But I had to write a new novel. My editor told me I had to, because it was so successful and they needed a few more and quick sells. And Shuichi had this stupid idea to go on a trip with me over the weekend or something. I could not agree to this.

You know, everything costs money. Without money, you cannot live. But the thought of living without Shuichi is hard for me, too.

But nobody expected things to change like that.

"I won't go on a short holiday with you, brat. If you want to give me peace and rest, then leave me alone now. I've got work to do."

He stood in front of me, with his pink hair and his big eyes that begged me to go with him anywhere but away from where we were. But I shook my head again and prepared myself to hear him cry and complain.

But nothing like this did happen. He looked at me with these huge eyes which made me feel guilty, because I could see the hurt in them.

"What's wrong with you, brat? You're acting weird…No tears, no screams, no complaining?"

He did not answer me and that bothered me more than all his bouncing and babbling.

And soon I got the feeling he was glad when I went out for a meeting with my editor, even when I just was out to buy cigarettes! And when I came back home he was sitting on the couch with a pad and a pen, thinking about new lyrics for Bad Luck. Although he knew he would never be a really good song writer he never stopped trying.

The strangest thing was that he avoided looking into my eyes when I returned. What was it what he was hiding from me?

One day I was tired and exhausted after signing hundreds of autographs and a few hours afterwards of writing a new chapter for the latest novel.

Shuichi was still awake and sat in the living room again, thinking about…whatever it was he really thought about!

"Aren't you getting tired of this? It's two o'clock in the morning…"

I could not help me and yawned when I went into the kitchen to put the empty cans of beer into the dustbin. When I came back Shuichi did not move and it annoyed me that he was ignoring me.

"I'm talking to you, baka!" I touched him softly on his shoulder, but he shuddered.

"What's wrong with you?"

He still did not move and I asked myself if it was really Shuichi who was sitting on the sofa.

"Nothing" he murmured "I just want to finish this. Maybe I'll sleep on the couch; I don't want to disturb your important sleep."

Did he really propose to sleep uncomfortably on the sofa in the living room? I sighed and sat down next to him.

"Come on, brat" I tried again "You can't be awake the whole night. You have to go to work tomorrow, don't you?"

He nodded and I was hopefully looking forward he would follow me into the bedroom like he usually loved to do.

"Then go to be!"

There, he still sat there on his ass, facing the pad he held and did not move. He stared down and said nothing.

"Baka!"

I snorted and went inside the bedroom. This idiot, I was not going to beg him to stay in bed with me tonight, should he complain the next morning about the ache in his back.

Shuichi went out early the next day, I did not even notice when exactly he had left the flat. There was a piece of paper on the kitchen table which told me he wanted to show his band mates the lyrics he wrote down.

So it was easy for me to go on with my novel, I thought. But it was not that easy. The first lines were typed and erased again. It did not make sense and I was not sure if the whole story wasn't just crap.

It was getting late and Shuichi still was not home. I could not really free my mind from the thoughts about his strange behavior, so I went out to take a walk in the park.

Of course I recognized the place we had met for the first time.

He had been innocent and cute; he had been himself with his shiny smile and happy laughter. Could it be that he changed because he became older?

I thought Shuichi would never change.

Maybe it was my bad influence on him? I could not even tell what exactly was wrong with him, I had no clue, and I only recognized a few changes in his personality.

Sometimes he was so calm and I thought he was depressed, but a few hours later he was smiling and creative and happy.

Well, it looked like he was happy.

When I came home he was inside of the bedroom, sleeping.

And I wondered what it was he had cried about.

It had always been a bit difficult for me to understand the feelings and behavior of the little punk, but it had never been that difficult. He became a completely stranger to me and it seemed to me he wanted that to happen. He even thought I did not notice he went out for a while. The little idiot, of course I noticed it, although he really tried to be quiet when he returned home. But I did not want to ask him where he had gone; I believed he needed time for him, to think about the stupid thinks he used to think and talk about.

So Shuichi started to live his own life without me.

On the day of Bad Luck's concert we had a few arguments again, because he refused to have sex with me and stuff like that. So the baka rushed outside, disappearing from my eyes to go on with his work and success.

Something he decided to have without me.

I ordered Italian food for myself, but also something for Shuichi. I thought he'd love to eat his favorite lasagna when he arrived home.

During a short break of writing I switched the TV on and watched a part of the concert. I usually did not spend my time with watching Shuichi and his band on television. And I had to admit, his manful voice, tempting and seductive, and his wild look made me hard. He circled with his fingers over his bare chest, breathing in and out.

I swallowed hard and went into the bathroom to have a shower.

When Shuichi returned from the concert I was in the bedroom, pretending to sleep. He tried to be quiet and he was indeed when he slipped inside the bathroom and returned a few minutes later to see the lights on and me sitting in the bed.

I stared at his body and smiled.

"I saw you on TV!"

But Shuichi did not answer me; instead he crawled under the bed sheets and faced me with his back. But there was still burning a need inside of me and I pressed myself against the body of my lover. He took a sharp breath and stiffened.

My tongue traveled along his earlobe and a sigh escaped his lips.

"You looked so damn sexy, d'you know that?" I whispered while my hands were exploring his entire body.

"Ah…Yuki, not now…" he suddenly said and turned onto his back. I was surprised for a moment, but then climbed on top of him, ignoring the words he had told me.

I licked over his nipples, which hardened immediately, and kissed down his chest, reaching his navel.

"You became thinner…" I murmured. But it was not the first time I noticed it. I saw him every day and it was obvious to me his clothes began to flutter around his waist.

"Yuki, I said I don't want to have sex now!" he tried to push me away, but failed and stared into my eyes.

"How long are you going to tell me that? What's your problem?"

I hated him for this, really. Who did he think he was? And why did he refuse to sleep with me? He never did before!

Shuichi tried to smile while he was looking up to me, cupping my cheek with his little cute hand.

"I'll stop telling you this when I really want to sleep with you."

I frowned. What did he want to tell me with his words? That I couldn't give it to him anymore – since my brother fucked him? Or did he start screwing around with someone else?

"Do you want to tell me that I'm not good in bed anymore; is that the reason why you stopped screaming and squeaking during sex? Do you prefer my brother to shove his dick into your ass?" I snorted "Tell me the reason, Shuichi!"

"That's not true" he whispered and I felt guilty for the harsh words. "Go on…"

And I fucked him, although I did not feel it was right. Shuichi seemed so far away with his mind and I swear I felt him crying against my shoulder.

I did not last that long, Shuichi was too hot and tight and I came with a low grunt. I kissed him hungrily; I loved the sweet taste of his mouth. But he did not kiss me back; instead he sighed when I pulled out of him and turned to the side, still having an erection. But Shuichi was not really aroused, the erection caused by the strokes I had done to his prostate.

We did not say a thing when I shut the light; I just bend over and kissed his forehead, wrapping my arms around his slim waist. He was warm.

And that was the moment I figured out sex was not what he needed and wanted in that time.

When I was working in the kitchen Shuichi appeared in the doorframe.

"Morning…" he murmured and sat down at the kitchen table. I noticed he started to read the interesting things written in the newspaper. No politics or sports, but the lifestyle and features he was interested in. I knew there was a short article about Bad Luck's last appearance on stage in it.

I yawned and put the plates out of the cupboard, placing a cup and a plate in front of him.

"Not thanks…" he mumbled and pushed the plate away from him.

"You don't want to eat?" I raised an eyebrow, but he just looked up at me and nodded.

"I'm not hungry, thank you!"

"You're not horny, you're not hungry…what's next?" I murmured while I sat down on my chair, my eyes were still focused on Shuichi.

"What's wrong with you?"

I wanted to be a part of his life again, I did not want to stand outside of his world, not knowing what was going on.

But instead he shook his head.

"Nothing" he said "I was just reading."

Really, that was no excuse for all this. I had a look on the picture that showed Shuichi in action on stage.

"I see" I started "You still act hyperactive and happy on stage, but when you're at home you always look depressed and sad!"

Nothing again, he just took a sip from his mug and placed it down on the table again.

„I ask you again, what's wrong with you, Shuichi? "

He sighed and he told me there was nothing wrong with him again.

"I asked Tohma, but he told me he didn't notice you've change much."

I paused for a moment and continued "But maybe it's just me who's getting old and strange…"

Before I could say anything else the sound of the telephone filled the room and I lifted myself off the chair and headed into the living-room to answer the call.

It was Hiro.

"Ahh.." I moaned "Just wait a moment, I'll tell Shuichi"

"No!" he interrupted me while I was still speaking. "It's not that bad you answered the call."

I could hear him taking a deep breath before he continued.

"Is everything alright with Shuichi?" He sounded really worried.

"Well, he says it is. But I'm not sure about it" I truly answered him. He sighed.

"I'm not sure about it, too. He always says everything is fine with him, but I think he's acting…kind of weird, don't he?"

I nodded although I knew Hiro could not see me, so I said "Yeah…"

"Did you two have a real bad fight or so?"

I chuckled.

"You know, we always have. But nothing that was real bad."

"Hm…" he paused for a moment "Maybe he's just a bit upset about the new records or something…"

"Yes, maybe!"

"Promise me to take care of him!"

I nodded again.

"I do. Bye!"

When I returned Shuichi was watching me.

"Who was it?" he asked a bit curious.

"Hiroshi…" I murmured and sat back on my chair, first finishing my breakfast before I let him know the reason for Hiro's call.

"He just wanted to know if you are fine. And that I should take care of you."

"Aha" he looked up "And that was all?"

I smirked, he really could not believe that Hiro had such a simple reason to call and even did not talk to him.

I nodded. "That's all."

Silence.

"Hiro did not want to talk to me?"

Aha, now he was suspicious but there was nothing else left for me than nodding.

"You moron, would I lie to you just because your little friend is calling? Call him back if you want, but he won't tell you something new!"

The idiot, did he really believe I would lie to him just because such a thing?

"Now be a good boy and eat something" I added "You lost weight, so do me the favor and go back to normal…"

"I am acting normal, Yuki. The thing is just that I'm not hungry at the moment."

I did not believe him, but said nothing. Instead I sighed and shook my head, watching him when he headed to the bathroom.

So Hiro had noticed the strange behavior of Shuichi, too. So it had not been my imagination. There was indeed something wrong with Shuichi, but he was not ready to tell him or me.

Suddenly an idea crossed my mind and I smiled about my own genius. Maybe Shuichi was upset because of their new album or their success or whatever. He loved to do shopping with me and I really had to go to the supermarket again, because we were running out a few things.

When the baka came back into the kitchen his voice was a whisper.

"I'm ready now. If you want to have a shower now."
I looked up at him and smiled.

"How very kind of you to offer me a shower in my own flat." I chuckled, because I thought it was really funny, Shuichi looked so cute and innocent like he used to.

"Baka" I grunted as I noticed the sad look on his face.

"Take that look of your face" maybe it was too harsh "Don't always take things that serious!" I placed a kiss on his forehead.

"I have to go to the grocery-store, are you coming with me?"
Yes, that was much friendlier.

"Or do you prefer to spend your free time alone?"

He shook his head. Fine.

"If you want me to come with you."

I nodded and rolled my eyes the same time.

"Brat, please don't look at me like that…"

Strange.

I always thought he really loved to do shopping with me, even it was the supermarket, but Shuichi seemed bored when we walked through the store.

"Pocky?" I asked him when we passed the sweets and cakes. No answer.

"I'm talking to you brat!"

I was angry, with him and me, because my plan did not work out.

"Sorry, Yuki, I was just thinking of" I snorted.

"Don't hurt yourself too much while trying to think."

I knew it was not nice, I knew it would hurt him, but there was nothing I could say instead. I took a deep breath not to say something mean again.

"Do you still have pocky at home?" I tried once again.

"Think so" he said and walked away from me.

And I stood there like an idiot.

He usually could not get enough pocky, and now he thought there was still enough at home? I could have ignored the fact that he maybe was running out of his beloved food, but instead I took one of the boxes and put it into the trolley.

I saw Shuichi standing in front of alcoholic drinks, but his mind was obviously far away.

"Are you planning a party or why are you looking at the bottles so desperately?"

I added a few cans of beer on my "to-buy-list" and placed them next to the pocky.

"Come on, brat!" I shouted when Shuichi did not intend to move. "I don't want to spend the whole day here with you!"

We did not really talk during our way home. Shuichi seemed nervous, but I bit back a few comments I would have loved to tell him. But one was enough and I did not want him to be real mad with me.

Things could not turn into something worse between us.

Shuichi immediately went into the kitchen, emptying the bags and placing the things into their places.

I should have gone back to work, but something inside me told me to stay a moment longer with Shuichi.

"Don't you have to work on your novel, Yuki?" he suddenly asked when he placed himself next to me on the sofa.

I turned around and looked him in the eyes.

"Do you want to get rid of me?" He never asked me something like this before.

"No!" he shook his head "Of course not! I was just wondering why you are still sitting here, although you usually prefer to go into your office than spending time with me."

He smiled, but this smile was a part of the Shuichi I did not know anymore.

"I just wanted to enjoy a short break before starting work again. And what about you? You should be lucky to sit next to me and enjoy my presence."

Without saying a word he placed his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes.

He was warm and I was glad about the fact he was next to me. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him nearer.

It was good to say nothing, it was good just to sit there in silence. I moved a bit and Shuichi murmured

"Don't go…Just a little longer!"

I had not been my intention to go away from him, but I said nothing.

I just held him. And I really enjoyed his presence.

When I looked into the mirror I noticed I looked tired and a bit old, too. Maybe it was because I did not sleep well in that time.

I observed Shuichi all the time when he was around. I went to the toilet or the kitchen more often when he sat in the living room, writing new lyrics. Or even if he was sitting there, watching TV.

I tried to treat him friendly and kind, most of the time it worked. But there were still moments I started to shout at him, because deep inside I knew the idiot was doing something terrible to himself. And to me, too.

The new single was a success and Shuichi and his band had a few appearances on TV and sometimes on the radio, too. The brat changed his look a bit, he started hiding his eyes behind dark sunglasses. And there was something else around him, too.

He was mentioned a lot in magazines and soon he was in everybody's mind as "The Fragile", which I in fact did not really like.

I was still suspicious what was about Shuichi and his health – psychically and physically. So I offered him to pick him up after work.

He was babbling about an interview all day long the day before, so I knew he was really looking forward that day.

It was the early afternoon when I leaned back in my chair, enjoying the fact that my new novel went on, although my mind drifted away every minute.

I was about to continue the chapter when the telephone rang. I wanted to ignore it first, but the person did not give up, so I picked the phone up and my eyes widened when I heard a confused and worried Hiro speaking to me.

I jumped immediately into the car, not knowing what has really happened to Shuichi. Nakano-kun had told me Shuichi had a break down, but he did not tell me the reason. I passed the ground of NG-records without any problems and rushed into the elevator and ran into Hiroshi when I walked out on the 7th floor.

"Where is he?"

"Calm down!" Hiro spoke with a low voice that still shook "He's sleeping now. Let's go somewhere we can talk alone."

He guided me into a room and opened another door.

"We usually relax in here…" he said and I looked down at the figure on one of the small sofas. Shuichi looked so innocent and peaceful, although I thought inside of him nothing was innocent and peaceful anymore.

"What has happened?" I asked when I sat down on a chair that Hiro offered me, although I would have placed myself on a chair without any offer.

"We just finished the interview and Suguru" he pointed to the young guy sitting next to him with his arms crossed "told him he was good when he started to burst into tears. At first we thought it was one of Shuichi's jokes or that he was crying because he was happy. But he did not stop to cry."

"He was not happy!" added Fujisaki-kun.

I could not blame the boy for this, maybe it was nothing he had done. But I knew there was a reason for Shuichi's crying.

"Well…" Hiro started once again when the boy left the room. "There's something I want to tell you. I think I better have told you earlier, but I did not think it would turn into this bad…"

My eyes widened in surprise and I was curious what Hiro wanted to tell me.

"Ah, you know, it's been a while now, but you two had a fight and I went out with Shuichi he tried to, how can I say it?"

"Just tell me!" I wanted him to go on.

"There was a guy and he offered Shuichi a joint." He looked at me, and then continued. "And Shuichi agreed."

Both of us had to swallow.

"How could you let him do something this stupid?" I growled, my eyes wild.

"Hey, I really tried, but Shuichi did not want to listen to me. I know I had better stopped him. But I was sure he would not do it again. But then he started to act very weird. He started to avoid looking into my eyes when he returned from toilet and before our last concert I saw his eyes. And they were wide and big and…I don't know what else. But they did not look normal and Shuichi was not normal. I'm afraid Shuichi has a problem with this shit."

I could not believe what this guy wanted to tell me.

Shuichi and pot? Well, I thought he was acting very very weird, too, but I did not suppose him to do something like this. Hm. The idea had crossed my mind a few times if it was because of drugs, but my Shuichi had never been that stupid before.

"But I'm not sure what's wrong with him. He acts very strange. First I thought you had a fight, but then I had the bad feeling he continued the whole thing!"

"So that's it…" I spoke mostly to myself.

"I should have told you earlier. I thought he had stopped taking this shit."

"Stupid brat" I snorted and walked to the door, I just wanted to take Shuichi with me. "I'll talk to him when he's awake. Good for you to call me…but it would have been better if you had told me about this thing earlier!"

My voice was cold and that was exactly what I wanted. These idiots!

I wanted to open the door and suddenly there was Shuichi, awake in the doorframe.

"Let's go home now; I think we have some things to discuss" I told him and wanted to turn around when he suddenly pushed me aside.

"I don't think so!" he answered angrily and headed to the door, he gave Hiro an angry look and rushed through the exit.

Shuichi said nothing when we sat in the car, but I waited for him to say anything.

"Shuichi…" I broke the silence "Was Hiroshi-kun right and you still smoke pot?"

My eyes were still focused on the road, but he knew I expected to hear him answer. He still did not say a thing but he shook his head.

"Don't lie to me!" I became angry and turned my head to the side.

"I don't lie to you!" he cried "I don't, so shut up about this. I don't want to talk to you while you're asking me such stupid questions. Just believe me, Yuki!"

I became angrier, but I told myself to stay calm. If he was really on pot there would be a lot of discussions with him about it. And the best thing was to talk to him when both of us calmed down a bit.

But he gave me a reason to become angry and worried again when we arrived home. He immediately ran into the bathroom and locked himself in it.

"Shuichi!" I screamed "Come out NOW!"

"Shut up and leave me alone! I don't need you inside here!"

I thought I'd go insane. He did not want to let me in, so what was he hiding from me. I could not figure out what he was doing inside, there was no sound, I just could hear him moving.

After a few minutes he opened the door.

"What did you do inside?"

"Nothing except what all people do when they are on toilet."

He giggled. He giggled? I looked down on him.

"So you're in a better mood now?"

That was very strange…So I stepped inside the bathroom but couldn't make out a strange smell or something.

"Ah, Yuki, trust me, I told you I'm alright!" he said and hugged me, placing a kiss on m lips. He pushed his hot tongue inside my mouth while his leg was straddling up and down my leg and waist.

"Don't you want to fuck me?" he said huskily.

I felt weak, maybe I was just wrong and everything was really fine with Shuichi?

But then he looked at me in confusion and fear. Did I do anything to him?

I wanted to calm him when I touched his back, kissing his neck and lips, but he tried to push me away.

"You want to kill me!" he suddenly screamed and kicked me weak with his feet. I just stared at him.

Then suddenly he hit my face and pushed me off him.

He ran into the bathroom and locked the door, I could hear him puking and I became frightened of the thought he could maybe hurt himself.

The few minutes I stood in front of the locked door were awful.

But the moments Shuichi slept on the bed, still whining and his eyelids fluttering were awful, too.

I was so helpless. I did not know what exactly was wrong with him. I sat there and shook my head.

It was not possible, and thought to myself over and over again, that he had turned into this person just because of some pot. There must have been something worse, worse than pot.

But what was it?

And one question crossed my mind over and over again, making me cry.

Nothing was worse than this.

Why did Shuichi do this to himself?

Why?