Chapter 8

I knew it was foolish to believe Yuki would never notice the changes in me.

Sometimes, I hoped he would never find out, but finally he became suspicious like Hiro. Hiro had also told him of the incident with Masami. I would have lied to him when he asked me for the truth, but then I had a very bad break down. I know, Yuki did not want to hurt me, he never intended to kill me. However, I was truly afraid of him during that time. The only thing I could remember is locking myself in the bathroom, Yuki yelling at me and then there was only darkness.

I thought I could feel warm hands stroking my cheek, soft lips kissing me gently. I could feel Yuki sitting next to me. I wondered why he was here with me. It would have been the perfect moment to leave me. I think it was the first time he ever had a legitimate reason to leave me.

But he didn't. Instead he stayed by my side, I felt that he didn't want to leave me during the night. But when I woke up the next day about noon, Yuki was gone.

I thought that he would decide to leave me, or would tell me to pack my things and never come back, to leave him in his apartment alone.

Although he really didn't have a clue as to what was going on with me, he knew that something was not right. However, even though he didn't know exactly what was wrong, he was clever enough to know that it had nothing to do with pot.

My eyes were swollen; I yawned and the image of my grandfather came into my mind when I looked at myself in the mirror to see my pale and drawn reflection.

How could I possibly face Yuki after last nights' incident? I was sure he would yell at me, and tell me to leave him alone for the rest of his life.

He had been right all along. I have always been an idiot, an annoying brat, a pain in the ass.

I gulped, catching Yuki watching me from the door of the bathroom. He hadn't said a word, perhaps his silence is what caused me to not to notice him earlier. I've only seen that expression he wore a few times in the past. He was extremely worried, like how he was after Aizawa hurt me. I did not want Yuki to be worried about me. I am the only person responsible for my actions; nobody else had anything to do with it. Now, it would be my responsibility to change things.

But I knew Yuki had to be worried about me if I wanted a change in my life. And I really wanted things turning back into normal.

"Lunch's ready, or breakfast…or whatever you want to call it."

Yuki turned around and walked away from the doorframe as quietly as he had appeared. I sighed, taking a final glance at myself in the mirror before following him back into the kitchen. As I sat down at the table I became quite nervous over Yuki's calm demeanor. I wanted to fly away from the scene, away from the questions I was sure he would ask like what had happened to me, what had caused me to act that way the night before. I did not want to answer his questions, although he had not started to ask me anything, yet.

We ate in silence and suddenly I hated it that Yuki did not ask me what was wrong.

"So…" he started "now tell me what's going on in that stupid head of yours? Did you want to scare me? What did you think you were doing?"

"I did not beg you to come inside the bathroom to lead me to the bed. You should have went to bed by yourself and left me alone!"

In a swift movement I pushed my chair backwards and stood up, not looking back at Yuki. I just wanted to leave the room, not stand there and endure Yuki's demands that I justify my actions.

I did not want Yuki to see me like this.

"Stop!" Yuki yelled while grabbing my wrist and jerking me around to face him. His tight grip on my wrist hurt.

"Yuki" I whined "Let go…that hurts!"

He loosened his firm grip and looked deep into my eyes. I blushed; there were rare moments like this when he tried to see into the depths of my soul.

"Are you really that stupid, Shuichi?" he shook his head.

"I never thought you were that much of an idiot. Did you think you'd be that much more successful when you were smoking shit? Did you want to be a cool kid?"

"Stop talking nonsense, Yuki!" I immediately yelled back.

"You don't understand my feelings, you never did! I don't think you ever will. Just believe in me; I don't need these drugs to cheer me up! I can't stand to listen to it anymore. Hiro keeps asking me over and over again and now you have started asking me stupid questions about it, too. Just stop it, damn it!

Yuki was silent. He looked at me with his perfect mask of cold, never showing any emotion. Finally he sighed, his hand leaving mine.

"So what was it that made you go crazy yesterday? What was it, tell me? I think I have a right to know about it!"

He was certain I'd tell him everything. But I didn't.

"Oh, I understand. Suddenly you want to be a part of my life, just because I shocked you yesterday. That's all…" I started to laugh and shook my head.

"I won't tell you anything, Yuki. You've never listened to me, why should you now?"

I shuddered the moment he narrowed his eyes.

"You damn brat!" He shouted and pushed me away from him.

"Look at yourself, take a look in the mirror. Look at what has happened to you! And you tell me it's nothing? I don't want to hang around with a guy on his way to insanity! Brat, just open your mouth and tell SOMEBODY what's wrong with you!"

I felt my eyes watering again.

It hurt me that Yuki was right. It hurt me to feel helpless, even though I knew there were people around that would help me.

"Shuichi…" suddenly I noticed Yuki was holding me, with my head pressed against his chest and I was crying like a child.

His voice was soft as he tried to calm me, again.

"What's wrong with you, tell me!" desperation tinged his voice as I continued sobbing.

"It's okay, Yuki" I whimpered "You know I'm not good at fighting with you. I still can't take it when you're mean to me."

"I'm not mean to you, I tell you the truth, you little idiot" he murmured, but I still heard his words and suddenly I pushed him away from me.

"So that's it, huh? That's it what you think about me. You don't think I'm getting better, you don't think I'm worthy to live by your side? What do I have to do to make you happy, Yuki? Please, tell me. What is it that you want from me?"

He seemed surprised as he recoiled from me.

"Shuichi" he sighed once again "that's not what I said. Why do you believe these things?"

He paused for a moment before continuing with what he wanted to tell me.

"All I want you to do is tell me the truth about what's wrong with you. Everybody who's close to you has noticed, so don't tell me it's nothing".

Why did I fight it? Why wasn't I able to tell Yuki the truth, when it would have been best to tell him? How would things have worked out if I had told him? He was angry about the little pot I had smoked, what would he say about my wonderful white powder?

Oh, yes, I remembered. I had nothing left to cheer me up once again.

The powder did not work correctly the night before. I was sure it had something to do with the fact that there had not been enough to satisfy me.

I knew I would have to get more immediately!

I gave Yuki a final push away from me, leaving him confused.

"I told you it's nothing!" I murmured and headed into the living room. I stared at the TV, which was switched off, but I did not mind. Maybe something would show up on the screen and lead me to forget everything.

But nothing happened.

Yuki did not follow me; instead he locked himself in his office again. It did not bother me, now there was a chance for me to leave without Yuki finding out. I rocked myself back and forth; hoping time would pass quickly.

But time did not do me any favors. The green numbers on the VCR told me that it was 5:37 pm. The club was definitely closed at this time and I had no idea where else Masami could be. We had never met anywhere outside of the club before, so it was useless to go out looking for him.

What else could I do? There were still quite a few hours that needed to pass before I could return to the club. How could I handle the situation at home with nothing to do and my lover locked in his office? Besides, I did not want to face Yuki again. I thought of my current appearance, I looked wan and exhausted. I started to become nervous; I needed something to cheer me up. I needed sustenance? .

I made my way into the kitchen, opening the cupboards and found some pocky. I knew it would not fully satisfy my current needs, but maybe some pocky could help tide me over.

I wondered why we had just one package of pocky stored in the cupboard, but then remembered that it was indeed me who told Yuki not to buy more.

I stepped back into the living room and sat down on the sofa, opening the package of my favorite treat. It was strange not to feel excited with pocky in my hands.

I put one stick into my mouth, chewing and wondering why its taste did not remind me of happier times. It was sweet and tasted like strawberry as usual.

I felt like crying.

Why did everything I enjoyed turn into something bad? Even pocky could not make me happy again; although I was sure I still loved it. I knew it had to do with the cocaine. The white powder took everything away from me. By using it, my life was being destroyed. My feelings, my smile, my identity and even my taste for sweet things!

I placed the package back on the table and looked away. I did not intend to touch it again.

Why was this happening to me? I was too lazy and weak to fight my cravings for cocaine. There was nothing else left for me other than the powder.

Time was still slowly crawling along as I switched on the TV in an attempt to divert my attention. I stared at the screen without really watching what was going on.

I felt sweat drops on my forehead and my heart started to race. I had to do something; I could not stand to sit here any longer.

I slowly slipped down the sofa, crawling in front of the TV to open the cabinet where I usually stored the videotapes. Finally, I found what I was looking for and put the tape inside of the recorder and pressed the "play" button.

I leaned back and now my eyes followed every move of my idol, Ryuichi Sakuma. He was a god on stage! He was beautiful, he was fantastic, and his voice was divine. He was everything that I never would be. I could never reach his talent, his level of success. It was not like I wanted to be him, but I wanted to be as amazing as him.

And I was sure Sakuma-san never needed something like pot or cocaine to be happy and successful. He was not an idiot like me.

Yuki was right.

Did I think I would be that much more successful when I could not live without a drug? Wasn't it a pity that somebody needed something like this? Besides, the person I had become was not happy or successful.

"Baka!" suddenly Yuki's voice brought me back to reality. I had been totally focused on "Nittle Grasper" so that I did not notice Yuki entering the room.

When I looked up at him he was really annoyed. "Make sure your ears are still able to hear!" he snorted "And shut off the music, it's awful! Here, take the phone and talk to your stupid friend. It was annoying to answer his call. Answer it yourself next time."

He threw the phone at me and stalked back into his study.

"Hey…" I lazily greeted my best friend.

"Do you want to tell me again everything's fine with you?"

I rolled my eyes. Even on the telephone he could not stop talking about Yuki's and my problems.

"Hiro, it's okay. You know, Yuki is always under pressure when it comes to the deadlines for his novels."

"So he has an upcoming deadline?" he asked suspiciously.

"Uhm…" I really had to think hard about it. I knew a few weeks had passed, but I could not remember when he had started his latest novel, as he was always typing on a new one.

"I think so…"

"Shuichi, if you don't want to talk to me, please talk to him. It's important to me that you are ok. I know I get on your nerves, but I can feel that something's not right with you. And I'm not the only one who feels that way" he paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "Yuki's worried about you, too. Regardless of his current actions, I know he is."

"Hiro…" I tried to tell him not to worry about me anymore, but he did not want to listen to me.

"Just believe me. There are many people who care about you. It's just that…well; let me say it's strange that you no longer discuss your problems and fears with me. That's totally new for me, you know? It's not like you, or at least the old you. Maybe it's just my imagination, but…"

"HIRO!" I yelled. "Stop it! Just shut up, I don't want to hear this shit. Stop worrying about me, everything is fine. As long as you refuse to accept some changes in my life and personality, you'd better stay away from me!"

With that I hung up and curled into a ball. That had not been what I have wanted to tell him.

"I told you to keep your voice down!" Yuki appeared once again in the living room, one hand massaging his temple.

"I have a lot of work to do, brat, it's not like I'm you!" My eyes narrowed.

"What do you mean by that?" Yuki yawned and looked bored.

"Compared to you, I really have to use my brain while working. All you do is open your mouth and sing. Nothing more…"

"How dare you to say something like that to me!"

"Just face the truth!"

He turned around to leave the room, but I stepped forward and grabbed his shirt to stop him.

"Now don't you run away from me!" I shouted at him.

"Stop treating me like shit, Yuki! You're such an asshole, you know that? How can you treat me like this when all I want to do is make you happy? I gave you all my love, but what did you ever give me in return? NOTHING! Not even after everything we've been through together.

Yuki looked down at me, but did not say a word, he did not even move.

"What do you want from me, Yuki, tell me? What can I do that would be enough for you?"

I sank down to my knees, sobbing.

How could Yuki tell me I was not good at my job? I sang with my whole heart and soul. Did he want to make me believe that I was nothing and a nobody?

"Shuichi…" Yuki kneeled in front of me, his eyes focused on me while his hand gently reached out to touch my face.

"Don't touch me!" I hissed and slapped his hand away.

He sighed.

"I would really love to know what's going on in your head sometimes." I bit my lip and said nothing.

"Look" he continued "I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said. But you know I need peace and quiet when I'm working and that I become very upset when you interrupt my concentration."

I nodded, still staying silent. I was so angry and hurt, yet Yuki did not want to notice, instead he took my silence as an invitation to touch my body. His hands returned, roaming over my entire body. He gently pushed me backwards until I was lying beneath him on the floor. I did not want this.

Was sex all he was interested in? It seemed there were only a few things between Yuki and I that did not lead to sex. But not now. My body trembled and I started to sweat again. Not because I was horny, I was anything but horny!

When his hand began to tug at the front of my pants I stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

"No…" I whispered and pushed his body a few centimeters away from me for the second time today. He looked at me, confused, as if he did not understand my words.

"Is this all you want from me? My body?" My eyes widened dramatically as I started to chuckle. "Remember this Yuki, this is all you can get from me. You can have my body, but not my soul anymore…"

His eyes suddenly narrowed and he pinned me against the floor again.

"Stop this shit, Shuichi! Stop playing the virgin! How stupid can a human be?"

He recoiled in surprise and pain as my knee smashed into his groin.

"Maybe I AM stupid and an idiot and all those things you tell me more than once a day! But it's just because YOU turned me into this!"

I did not look back at him as I skittered out from beneath him and dashed outside.

There was only one thing that could make me feel better.

I had to find Masami, now!