Chapter 9

Shuichi's POV

I wanted to break down after all of the things I had said and done to Yuki that I didn't really mean. I just wanted to pretend it wasn't all my fault; I wanted to blame somebody else for the troubles I've caused myself.

Maybe, in this confused and unfocused state, it was frightening to have feelings for another person; perhaps I really was afraid of my love for Yuki. Maybe because it was the only thing I could still feel deep down inside of me.

I did not know where to go, my feet were moving automatically, and I barely noticed as I passed the places I knew so well.

What time was it? I did not know. I just walked; it really didn't matter where I was going. I knew it was still too early to go to the club. What else could I do? Where else could I go? I did not want to go back "home", if I could even call the place my home anymore.

Maybe Yuki was mad enough with me to kick me out forever. What if I couldn't get him back? I was sure I would die without him.

Oh, the mess I made of my life is so far from how I wanted things to turn out…

I wanted to be popular, successful, happy and loved. But everything I turned into was not my true self.

I stopped in front of a traffic light at a cross walk and looked up.

My eyes caught sight of a music store in Shibuya.

I really had not noticed how far I had walked from home. There was a poster of Bad Luck in the window, with Hiro, Suguru and me. The three of us smiling like idiots, seemingly happy and joyful. I knew that Suguru and Hiro were happy with their lives, but, I was not. That was not the real Shindou Shuichi in that poster. It was just the mask I have been wearing the passed few weeks. Or has it already been over a month?

Well, it had to be, because I could remember Yuki starting to work on a new novel again. Had so much time passed already?

Have I acted like such an idiot for such a long period of time?

I looked around and was grateful that nobody recognized me. How could they? I usually did not look this worn and haggard in public.

My lips started to quiver and I felt my knees getting weak again. I needed to sit down somewhere and reached into the pocket of my pants. I sighed in relief when I found a few bills, now I would be able sit down to have a drink or something.

I decided to go to a small café I knew that was down a side road. It's a quiet place, where nobody ever asks silly questions – and where the press would not expect the presence of a well known vocalist.

With shaky hands I opened the cafe door and gladly noticed that there were only a few customers inside. I saw an empty seat in a corner and headed towards it. The waitress noticed me immediately and I ordered a cup of hot chocolate.

I handed her a few crumpled bills when she placed the cup in front of me. It was then I became worried of how I would pay Masami for the cocaine. I only had a couple bills in my pocket; I had left everything else at home. How would I pay for what I needed so badly?

Maybe he would agree to let me pay him later. He knew me, and he was also certain that I was able to pay, so hopefully it would work.

I took a sip from the cup and carefully sat it down. I was still upset and my hands were trembling. For a moment, I wondered if Yuki had started to worry about me or where I had gone. But why should he? Even if he was interested in finding me, he would probably search in the wrong places. First he would look in the park, then Hiro's, where I definitely was not.

No, he did not know that I had given up everything for a little sniff of this shit that turned my whole existence into a terrible nightmare. And yet, I still enjoyed and craved the feeling cocaine gave me, the intoxication, the satisfaction. I was such a dumb ass.

I was surprised at the sweetness of the hot chocolate and I sipped it. There were still a few hours to pass before I could meet Masami. And that drove me crazy, what could I do to distract myself from thoughts of that white powder? The chocolate warmed me a bit, although my skin was not cold. However, I was very cold and lonely on the inside.

I was such an idiot…did I ever have a serious reason to turn into the big idiot that I have become? I never thought I needed anything other than music to make me happy, that there would never be anything else that could help me get over Yuki's cold behavior, although I was sure he did not mean it. He still cared for me – and yet I had pushed him away from me, afraid of what he would say if he found out what I was doing.

Oh, I loved him so much, yet I was sure I had lost him.

Another sip of hot chocolate, and suddenly it tasted more bitter then sweet. I leaned back in my comfortable chairand sighed.

I had to stop it. I could not do this to myself; I could not do this to Yuki anymore. Just because he was egoistical most of the time, did not make him as blind as I had believed him to be. Also, he was not truly as cold as he acted in front of me. I should have known him better, he was not like me, and he was not able to show emotions as often and easily as I could.

But how could I stop?

I had a terrible fight with my lover and ran away, leaving everything behind me, just to get what? A few moments of intoxication, a few moments of forgetting the rest of the world and all of my problems?

I could not run away from my problems any longer. I had to tell Yuki the truth, if I really wanted someone to help me. I clenched my fists and bit my lower lip.

Yes, I wanted to stop all this! I had to become my old self again; I wanted to be truly happy with my life just as it was, without the help of drugs or anything else.

I have many people who love me, what was I was afraid of? What was scaring me?

A deep sigh escaped from my lips.

I was afraid of the trouble I had already caused to myself. I knew I could not do it all alone, or quickly. And, it was frightening to see how stupid I had been, in fact, to see what I had done to myself.

And I was afraid of the fact that I would not be able to quit. I needed it so much…although I knew it was wrong.

"Just one last time" – I told myself over and over again.

"Just one last time, and then I really will stop using this stupid shit."

Oh – how I knew it would be a lie if there was no one else who knew about my problem. I really needed somebody to wake me up and help me go through this frightening experience.

Yuki's POV

The brat had left for about half an hour and I still sat there, smoking and staring at nothing in particular. I had just wanted to calm him, he was so upset, and my touches usually have the effect to make him feel better. But all he was able to say was that I was not the owner of his heart anymore.

I wondered since when Shuichi had drifted away from me. Well, it's not like we usually understand each other or we knew exactly how the other feels or thinks. But there is always an emotional bond between us.

Pot – could it be that pot made my little idiot a complete dumb ass?

No, that was not possible. I knew smoking shit was not the best thing you could do for your health and especially your brain, but I could not imagine it would cause a total change of the personality, could it?

So there must have been another secret Shuichi was hiding from me.

I took a long drag from my cigarette and crushed it down into the ashtray.

I was certain to find Shuichi at his best friends', so I put on my shoes and jacket, taking the keys with me as I did not intend to walk over to Hiroshis'.

Then another thought crossed my mind. Maybe Shuichi was walking around in the park. It was the place we met for the first time and I knew he loved to walk around there to remember "old times".

So I decided first to go to the park and look around for my little baka. But he was nowhere to be found in the park. The place where we first met was empty, I expected Shuichi to be sitting on a bench, crying, but he wasn't there. Shit! He used to be in the park after a fight, so why wasn't he there now?

Hiro. That was the other place I thought he would be. He was always with Hiro, crying on his shoulder, telling him how mean I've been to him. And, hell, most of the time I really was – without any reason. I should have thought about my behavior earlier…

I stepped in front of my car and stopped for a moment. What if Shuichi decided not to go to Hiro? What if he was desperately looking for his dealer?

Why would he have to go looking for him? Shuichi knew him and it seems logical that he would know where to find his dealer.

I sighed and turned the motor on. Shuichi would be with Hiro, I hoped he was. Shuichi might have ended up eating out with Hiro, but I would wait patient until they arrived. Or maybe they ordered a pizza and stayed at home? It would have been easier for me if Shuichi had decided to visit his best friend.

But Hiro just gave me an odd look when I showed up at his door.

"Huh? What do you want?" He did not even try to hide his apathy.

"What do you think I'm here for?" I snorted "Give me Shuichi back and I'll leave!"

He did not move, instead he stared at me, his eyes furious.

"What did you do to him now? Can't you stop hurting him?"

As a response I murmured something I did not understand myself and took one step into the room, although I knew Hiro would not let me in so easily.

"Before you come inside without even being asked in: Shuichi's not here and I don't have any idea where he might be."

"Liar!" I pushed him aside and walked in, looking around, hoping to find Shuichi at the end of the hall.

"I did not invite you to come in!" Hiro grabbed my arm and pulled me around to face him. "And I told you he's not here!"

"Where else could he be? He's not in the park, so he MUST be here with YOU! He usually shows up at your door, so don't lie to me. Where is he?"

Slowly Hiro closed the door and watched me in silence, then walking by to lead me into the living room. I've never been that far into Nakano's home.

"Some tea?" he asked kindly but I could feel he did not mean it.

"No! Now tell me where the brat is and I am gone…"

"I told you he's not here. If he's such a brat, why are you still looking for him?" He looked and me, shrugged and sat down.

"So you two had a fight once again?" I just nodded.

"And you don't know where to find him?"

"God, I told you NO! So WHERE IS HE?" I became impatient.

"I don't know!" he yelled back at me without ever breaking the eye contact. I growled and took a seat, too. Where else could Shuichi have gone?

"You know he's acting strange…I thought maybe you'd know what's wrong with him."

"Well, I think he's on pot or something."

"Do you really think pot could change him that much? He's a complete stranger to me most of the time. He's so…I don't know."

"I know what you mean. He still bounces around at work, but it doesn't feel right much of the time. But what made him angry again?"

I moaned out loud. I did not want to share my feelings or thoughts with Hiro, my eternal rival for Shuichi's love.

"Things about my work, questions about his behavior, the usual things we argue about since he's acting like a complete idiot!"

Silence and the ticking of the clock filled the room.

"Do you…do you believe there's something other than pot?"

I nodded.

"He has changed so much, he's depressed and his moments of happiness and creativity are short-lived. He has never been like this before."

"When did you notice that he has left?"

I looked at my watch, then back to Hiro. I did not really know the time Shuichi had left, but it felt like it had been hours.

"About two hours ago" I just noticed then that I had wasted too much time looking for him in the park. Shit. Something could have happened to him.

"Maybe he's home now?"

Why didn't I think of that? Maybe he was back at home, sitting in front of the TV watching Nittle Grapser tapes until the next morning.

"Yes…maybe…" I murmured and searched for my cell phone deep inside my jacket pocket. Hiro watched me curiously, waiting for an answer, waiting for me to nod and make clear Shuichi was home.

But after minutes of dialing the number over and over again I gave up. He was not at home.

"His mobile?" Hiro said and dialed the number of his best friend.

"Off" he said.

Since when did Shuichi prefer to keep his mobile off?

"Fuck, there must be something really wrong with him!" I hissed and got up immediately. I hurried back into the hall; I had to find Shuichi before he could do something stupid. Well, he was already doing something stupid, so I had to stop him before he could do something worse!

"Wait" I heard Hiro shout behind me.

"What?"

"He's my best friend; don't you think I should know what's wrong with him?"

I rolled my eyes although I knew he was right.

"Okay, so where do you think he went?"

Shuichi's POV

Another hot chocolate later, I was thankful to see that there was just one more hour to pass before I could go to the club to see Masami. I hoped he would be there at the time I expected him to be.

I could not think clearly, my mind was lacking for inspiration, I needed it so badly. I needed something to make me feel alive for a while.

My legs felt like jelly and I stumbled outside the café. Was it foggy outside? It seemed to me that the weather had changed drastically. I began to shiver. I felt so cold…

"Please – not now" I whispered and started to shuffle forward.

I was out of breath, I had to pause for a moment and sat down on a bench, cupping my head with my hands and took deep breaths, in and out.

Why was this happening to me? Was this the end? Why did my body and my soul cry for release, why did I have to crave for more cocaine?

I did not want it anymore, really. But I needed it. It was such an awful feeling to be so helpless without anything or anybody around to help me.

Not like there wasn't anyone who wanted to help me, but I did not want to involve those people just because I loved them so much – although they were the only ones who were able to change the situation. It seemed like a never ending cycle…

I was too weak to handle the situation all by myself. All I could think of clearly was Masami and the wonderful power he could give me.

Why did it have to be so damn early? I could not stand it anymore.

Suddenly another thought crossed my mind. What if they did not let me in when I went to visit the club?
I would die if the possibility to become satisfied was taken away from me. I rubbed my eyes, lifted my head and looked around.

All those people around me did not care whether I was fine or not. They did not know me although I expected them to notice me. I was Shindou Shuichi. Vocalist of the popular band Bad Luck. Why didn't they recognize me?

But who was I?

I was nothing more then an idiot sitting on a bench, desperately trying to survive another hour before I was suffering once more - because of my own idiocy.

Where the hell was Yuki? Why hadn't he found me? Didn't he want to be certain I was safe?

I wanted to snuggle into his embrace, smell his scent, hear his breath. How could love hurt so much although it was the last emotion you could feel burn deep down inside of you?

I was so afraid he did not love me back…

Masami, how could I find him? It seemed he was the only person who could help me now.

Yuki's POV

Hiro had suggested looking for Shuichi in the park once again. He thought Shuichi could have gone there after walking around in the streets for a while. But, still, Shuichi was nowhere to be found.

I really hope the little baka had decided to go home after a few hours of being out, so we both made our way back to where we hoped Shuichi would be. My and Shuichi's home.

I fumbled for the keys and when the door opened I hurried inside, expecting Shuichi to be sitting on the sofa, watching TV.

But the apartment was empty, the lights were out and I could not make out the noise of the TV. Hiro entered the apartment right behind me, also waiting for Shuichi's appearance.

But Shuichi did not do us the favor to come out of his hiding place. I really wished he would do so. I wanted to see the honest smile on his lips again.

I moaned out loud and sunk down on the sofa.

"So he did not return home" I murmured more to myself than to Hiro. He sighed deeply and sat down on the other end of the sofa.

"It's your fault…" Hiro whispered and immediately I locked eyes with him.

"If you weren't always so mean and hurtful to him, he never would have turned into the person he is now!"

"Oh, you really think that?" I snorted, but feeling guilty the same moment. Maybe Hiro was right and it was my cold behavior that made Shuichi choose this way.

"Shuichi was such an innocent person before he met you!"

So Hiro wanted to blame me for Shuichi's lost of innocence? Did he have nothing better in mind than blaming me for something that probably would have happened even if Shuichi and I had never met?

"Do you still believe in the innocent version of Shuichi? You know him in another way than me, so stop getting on my nerves with your accusations!"

"You're not worthy of him. He should stay with somebody else."

I snorted once again.

".. Maybe you're just having wishful thinking that he would end up with someone else.. someone more like you?"

He did not answer me, but I could figure out he nodded slightly.

"You treat him like dirt. You don't deserve him. He loves you so much and would do everything for you and all you can do is making him feel like an idiot, you cheat on him and"

"Cheating on him, huh? So you think it's me who's unfaithful to him?"

The anger about Shuichi's betrayal was still burning inside of me.

"I know you don't give a damn about him being sad while you're screwing around."

"Watch your mouth, Nakano!" I hissed giving him a dark embittered glare. How dare he say those things to my face.

"Besides it's not me who's been unfaithful in this relationship. I walked in on your cute little friend and my dear brother fucking – so don't tell me I'm the one who's cheating!"

Hiro opened his mouth to say something but ended in silence. He was too shocked to say anything.

He started to stammer "I…I didn't know he…"

"Forget it!" I muttered and reached for the cigarettes, offering one of them to Shuichi's best friend without even thinking.

For a few minutes we sat in complete silence, waiting for Shuichi to come home. He didn't.

"He…he never told me that he and your brother..."

"You better shut up. I don't want to hear a damn thing about it. It's annoying even to think about it, so let's forget it."

Hiro cleared his throat and I looked up at him.

"So you're not mad with him about it?"

Hesitantly I shook my head.

"Should I be?" I leaned back in my seat. "He was probably high and didn't know what he was doing."

Like a flash another idea crossed my mind.

High – drugs – Shuichi.

It seemed Hiro was thinking the same, because he started wide eyed at me.

"The club!"

Shuichi's POV

Finally, finally time did me the favor to go on and, exhausted, I stood in front of the club, as the last of my energy drained from my body and all I could think of was to get inside to see Masami.

I was lucky, they let me in. I hurried over to the corner of the club Masami usually was in and I sighed in relief when I saw him sitting on a stool.

I smiled when he noticed me and stepped in front of him, feebly smiling as I looked up into his eyes, hoping he'd know why I came there.

"So you came back already. I did not expect you to be here so damn early."

He smiled and took a long sip from his drink, touching my face with his hand.

"How much do you want this time?"

"How much can you give me?"

He chuckled and slipped down from the stool, touching my body slightly.

"Are you in such a need? Oh, I knew you would come to me and beg for more."

"Please hurry, I need it."

He put his arm around my slim waist and brushed my ear with his lips. I shuddered, not because I enjoyed him being near me, but my body was shaking from need for the coming intoxication.

"First the payment!" he pulled out a few small packages I was longing for.

"Uhm…" I stuttered "I – I don't have enough money with me." He looked down on me, his eyes showing interest.

"But I'll bring you the rest of the money tomorrow, if it's okay with you!"

Softly he brushed my lips with his, trailing his tongue around the curves of my upper lip.

"No" he suddenly whispered into my ear and my eyes widened in surprise.

Suddenly I felt his hands sliding down the small of my back till they reached my buttocks. He squeezed them and I could hear his breath quicken.

Oh no – was all I could think – I wouldn't do this as payment, would I?

"There's another way you could show me…how bad you need the stuff and if it was good you'd get a package or two. Hm? What d'you think?"

Disgusted I looked to the side, I did not want to meet his gaze now.

No, no, no, no, no!

I slightly shook my head.

"Come on" he grabbed my ass cheeks one more time, trying to make me want to accept his offer.

"You don't get one of these wonderful bags if you don't agree."

I looked up in shock at him. He just stared at me and grinned.

"So? You'll do me the favor and let me fuck you for one of those baggies you'd die for?"

Well, that was the moment Yuki suddenly appeared behind me. What was he doing there? How did he know where I was?

His fist smashed into Masami's stomach and the guy stopped his stupid grinning. Yuki hit him again and again until Hiro – Hiro? – also appeared and tried to pull him back.

And it was then when I looked into Yuki's face, wild and distorted with rage, that I passed out.

Hey there!

At the moment, there are no further updates until I have some new ideas how to go on with the story.