Chapter 10

Yuki's POV

Cocaine.

Over and over again I repeated in my mind. It was cocaine, all this time. And I did not notice. How blind have I been?

How could Shuichi have done this to himself? What had made him feel like he had to do it? Was it entirely my fault, like Hiro said?

I looked down on the angelic face of Shuichi, sleeping now. He had broken down in the club. I'm not certain if it happened because he had run out of cocaine or the fact that I was beating up that guy.
Oh, I wanted to kick the hell out of him, but Hiro had finally pulled me back.

"You better not tell any of this to anyone or you'll regret it!"

I think the guy noticed that he shouldn't start a fight with me. We haven't heard anything else from him or about him as Shuichi's dealer. So the guy did understand what I told him.

But now, while Shuichi was sleeping, I asked myself over and over why all this shit had happened? Exactly how long had Shuichi been using?

After Hiro and I had made our way out of the club, with my little idiot in my arms, we decided to take him to the hospital. Shuichi was half awake and mumbled that he wanted to go home so the doctor had to let him go.

He just told us to take care of him as it seemed he had a break down from exhaustion, he needed sleep and a lot of rest.

But Hiro and I knew what it was truly about.

Now Shuichi was sleeping in my lap. I had not been able to fall asleep after all that had happened. It had been hard enough to make Hiro leave Shuichi and me alone, as he wanted to be at his side when he woke.

He looked so…innocent. Despite all the stupid things he had done, he looked so damn innocent. His cute face, the soft cheeks and lips made his face look like an angel. And, on the other hand, he was indeed an angel. I know I don't often show him that he means something to me, but, indeed, I need him more than anything else in this world!

His hair was so soft and I was carefully touching his face as he slept. Was it possible I've killed the person I loved most – again?

But, compared to Kitazawa-sensei, Shuichi was still here. And he did not betray me the way Kitazawa had betrayed me and my feelings. I know I should have stopped treating him like an annoyance, like everything that Yuki had done to me, was his entire fault.

"You're such an idiot…" I whispered to the sleeping baka. "You're such a stupid jerk sometimes. What did you think you were doing, eh?"

I felt Shuichi moving and stopped breathing for a moment. I did not want him to wake up. I thought he needed more rest before we could talk about the things I had found out that night. Maybe his mind would be clearer the next day, if it was not still clouded by the need for cocaine.

Oh, I knew hard times were coming because of his problem. For both of us.

I wanted my number one to make me his number one again.

"Yuki?" he blinked at me, his eyes half lidded and blood-shot, like he hadn't slept enough.

"Sshh.." I told him, cupping his cheek with my hand "Go back to sleep, Shuichi. You need to rest."

"Don't leave me…" he whispered, taking my hand and squeezing it lightly. "Don't leave me, please…"

"I won't. Now go back to sleep, I'm here…"

"Love you…" was the last thing I heard as he drifted back to sleep. I carefully stroked back the hair on his forehead, listening to the sounds he was making during sleep.

It wouldn't be easy to talk to him, but hopefully his mind would be clear enough to talk with me about it the next day.

Shuichi's POV

When my eyes snapped open the first thing I noticed was the sunlight flooding into the bedroom. How did I get here? I shifted a bit and then noticed the body next to mine. First, I thought I had made the biggest mistake in my life and ended up sleeping with Masami. God, I was so relieved when I realized that it was Yuki!

"Oh yes…" I mumbled to myself and shifted a bit so Yuki could slide down onto the pillow. My mind was able to remember some parts of the night before. Suddenly, I was fully awake.

So now Yuki knew exactly what I have been doing, he had seen Masami and what he was doing to me. I looked down at the sleeping body of my lover. Why had Yuki brought me here? I thought if he ever found out what was happening, he would certainly leave me.

But he was beside me…

I stiffened when I felt the body next to mine moving; too afraid of looking down on him again as I knew Yuki was awakening. I could not look in his eyes anymore. What if he believed I had had an affair with Masami? What if he thought I was a whore?

Which, in some way, maybe I was.

"Morning…" he said, his voice thick. He cleared his throat and stretched his arms, looking tired and exhausted when he left the bed and walked into the bathroom, where I heard the flush of the toilet a few minutes later.

What could I do? Nothing. I was trapped and I supposed he did not plan to let me out until I have told him every single detail.

"Dear god…" I whispered to myself when I, too, left the bed, heading into the kitchen where Yuki appeared a few minutes later.

But the only thing burning inside of me was the need for cocaine. I needed it's help to get through this conversation. Needless to say cocaine was the only reason Yuki and I had to have this conversation.

He stepped next to me, fumbling for two cups, and then he finally made coffee. Surprisingly, he made hot chocolate for me. I looked up at him and he was met my gaze and sat down on the chair across from me.

I could see he was thinking of how to begin.

"Yuki, I…" I tried to speak but was cut off by the tears that were building in the corners of my eyes, my voice shook and so I bit my lip instead of saying anything.

Yuki put the cup down and stared at me without saying a word. Maybe he was still thinking of what to say. The only sounds I could make out were my sobbing and the clock in the kitchen. Yuki still did not say a thing.

"I'm sorry…" he finally said which made me lift my head.

I did not understand. What was he sorry for?

"What?" I gulped, tears streaming down on my face.

"I'm sorry if I'm the reason that made you act like a complete idiot. Not like you've never been an idiot before, but this…you know, this is the stupidest thing you have ever done in your life! What did you think you were doing, Shuichi? What did you think that stuff would turn you into? Did you even think about it or was it just a wonderful feeling, being a stupid asshole?"

Now it's over – I thought to myself – now he's going to tell me to leave him alone for the rest of his life. But Yuki didn't.

"Did you ever think about your health? Look at your face, you're pale, you're skinny. What has happened to you, Shuichi? Did you ever consider this?"

He shook his head and rose from his chair, stepping towards me and waiting for me to look up at him. But I couldn't.

"Why, Shuichi? Why did you do all this to yourself? Why did you do this to your friends, why did you do this to me?"

Was his voice really shake slightly? I was still crying, could not stop the tears, and could not stop the embarrassment and pain inside of me.

What should I tell him? The truth of course, but what was the truth? I've been a dumb ass, a complete idiot, without even thinking I threw everything away and what was it for?

All I wanted was the attention of somebody. I wanted somebody by my side to hold me, who would never leave me.

"I…" I tried to collect my mind. "I just wanted…to be…"

"What?" Yuki was now on his knees, gripping my shoulders tightly, shaking me. "You wanted to be what, Shuichi?"

"Maybe…" I bit my lip once again, feeling the pain shot through my body when I bit it so hard that it started to bleed. "Maybe I just wanted to be loved…"

My voice was soft; nothing more than a whisper, but Yuki was close enough to understand what I have said. Suddenly Yuki loosened his grip on me, and he sat back on the cold kitchen floor, still staring at me.

"So you think there's no one in this world who loves you? What about your parents, what about Hiro, don't you think they love you more than you can imagine?"

I nodded slightly.

"I know…" I whined "but…that's not what…I meant, Yuki…don't you care for me?"

I think that confused him, hurt him or whatever, but he stared at me in shock and total disbelief.

"So that's it? It's my fault?"

Suddenly Yuki became pale, his eyes wandered irritated throughout the kitchen, without focusing on any one place.

Yuki's POV

"Don't you care for me?"

I looked into his big and sad eyes and it never hurt me more to see him like this just because of me. Who was I to tell him there were people who loved him when I was not able to tell him that I felt the same way? I barely showed him I truly cared, but that was me, wasn't it?

"So that's it? It's my fault?"

I spoke more to myself than Shuichi while I was looking around in the kitchen. How could I look him in his sad eyes now?

Really, I must have been a truly horrible person if I had led Shuichi to do something like this. My cold and icy behavior, my harsh words had made him search for acceptance, for love – things I was not able to show as easily as he did and still does.

Why did, every time I reached for the person I love, this person break because of me? How was it possible? What was I doing wrong?
Well, I knew very well how I was treating Shuichi, but I always told myself the little baka was able to understand the hints. But it seemed I had been totally wrong.

"Baka…" I finally managed to talk again "I do care for you, you know that."

"I don't!" he whined at me and made me look up at him once again, his eyes red, tears pouring over his face.

"I'm just an annoyance, nothing more! You hate me, don't you?"

"Shuichi…" I kneeled in front of him, holding him in a firm grip, making him look into my eyes again.

"I don't hate you and I never have, you know that. And I do care for you" suspiciously he met my gaze "I do! In my own special and strange way" I added.

"But" he finally opened his mouth to say something "you don't love me, do you?"

"Is that the reason you did this to yourself? Because you think I don't care for you, don't love you?" I shook my head, hugging him tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Shuichi" I bit my lip because now I felt my own tears coming up. "I'm sorry I made you feel this way, I never wanted you to end up like this."

I paused for a moment, my voice shaking and my breath ragged..

"I never meant to hurt you like this, Shuichi" carefully I stroked the back of his head, trying to calm him. "But I want to be here for you if you need me now, okay?"

Shuichi's POV

"I would never blame you for this, Yuki!"

My arms now wrapped around his body. I could feel his body heat, his scent and asked myself when I had felt him this way the last time, it seemed so long ago.

"It's my entire fault; I was an idiot, like you always said." I sighed, but was relieved that I stopped crying.

"Maybe…I can't tell you the true reason as I don't know it myself. I'm not sure why, it happened because I was unhappy. I felt like I could never be successful enough with Bad Luck, I wanted everybody to admire me, to tell me how much they adore me for my music."

Yuki was still stroking my hair gently. I felt his hot puffs of breath against my neck and shuddered. It's in moments like this; I always notice how much I truly love him.

"I was afraid of loosing you. I…I believed you hate me and did not want me in your life anymore. You always seemed so busy with work and…"

"So it's my fault, isn't it?" I heard him murmuring next to my ear, his voice soft.

Slowly I pushed him away from me, I wanted to look in his eyes and see how he felt. I wanted to see something like love and understanding when I looked at him.

"You know" he went on "I've never been good with things like these. I'm a novelist and not able to express my own feelings, funny, isn't it? But never think again I hate you. It's not true, you know that. I would never let you live here with me if I hated you."

He suddenly kissed my forehead and closed his eyes, sighing deeply.

"I love you, brat, you never noticed it, eh?"

I smiled. That was Yuki. I had to accept he's not the type who tells you twice a day he loves you.

"You're not alone and you have never been. We all love you, Shuichi, and we were all worried about you, especially Hiro. He was very upset yesterday."

So Hiro did not believe in my innocence anymore, did he?

"Maybe you should call him to say you're okay? We were both scared yesterday when we found you…with that guy."

I hold my breath.

"Masami, he's…."

"He's somebody you will never see again in your life! Never, Shuichi! That bastard dared to touch you in a way that no one other than me is allowed to! What were you going to do with him? Did you really think about having sex with him for this shit?"

I could see the anger in Yuki's eyes and was afraid he could hit me for being such an idiot.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what was going on in my head, I…"

A deep sigh escaped Yuki's lips and he closed his eyes for a short moment.

"You don't have to apologize; I have to be sorry for yelling at you again. I didn't mean to. I am just…upset when I think about the things the bastard could have done to you. But" he continued "you know that "sorry" is not enough for what has happened? There will be other things you will have to do now."

………….

Thank you all for reading!
I'm still thinking about how to end the story, with this chapter or another one (like an epilogue)?.

Thanks to all of you, who submitted a review.