Chapter 11 (Epilogue)

"So" he says. "How are you feeling now?"

I shrug.

"Well…I guess, I'm fine now…"

He does not look like he really believes me.

"You're sure? You know what happened two months ago when you said you were fine?"

I bow my head and sigh.

He is right. I could not forget what had happened "Two months ago when I said I was fine".

Of course I still remember the night of the Big Party after a "The best J-Pop" hosted by J-Music-TV! Feeling free and happy I could not resist the offer of two band mates from a nameless band. I am such a dumb ass to say "yes" once again.

I really believed it could never happen again.

I think that was the best thing that could happen to show me that everything was not fine.

Dear god, you should have seen Yukis' face when I came back home! I don't know how exactly he noticed it; he said it was my "strange behavior".

He really was angry with me it was a hard time afterwards and I still had to go to drug rehab and the psychiatrist.

Since then, Yuki has been more suspicious than ever before!

I know he and Hiro still call each other when I leave one of them, just to make sure it was not possible for me to go anywhere to get "new stuff" without anyone noticing. It really starting to annoying me, but I can't blame them, can I?

In the end it's been my fault the whole time, so it's logical that they are still worried about me. And they want to know what I do all the time.

But I don't know if I can take this observation any longer! I have to talk with Yuki about it tonight when he finishes writing.

After all these thoughts, I finally decide to answer the doctors' question.

"I think so. Yes, I can still remember, but I won't ever let it happen again. I don't want it anymore. I already told you I don't know what was going on in my head when I tried it again. But I can't take it anymore. I don't want my soul, my body and my brain addicted to cocaine once again. Much less any other drug!"

He smiles at me, and nods while noting something on my chart.

"That's fine" he murmurs. Than he lifts his head and looks into my eyes,

"Fine, then I would say we'll see you again in two weeks, won't we?"

I smile to answer him and feel relieved to exit the doctors' office.

On the other side of the street I see the new ice-cream parlor and decide to go there. It would be nice to taste the sweetness of ice-cream now!

And it's really tasty which makes me feel better. I really don't like talking about what happened a few months ago. I can't full escape my past mistakes and their aftermath – but sometimes it is good to forget for a little while.

But neither Yuki, Hiro, nor the shrink can stop talking about it. They remind me all the time about what happened and that they have to look after me.

But they don't. I'm not a child, even if I tend to act the part at times.

They think I still run the risk of using cocaine, but I will prove them wrong!

My cell phone is vibrating, a message from Yuki. He asks if I need him to pick me up from the doctors'. No, I can walk home by myself. I really have to talk to him about the spying.

The worst thing is that Tohma knows, too. I hate him staring at me with his cold and unreadable eyes. What does he think of me now? I can tell you, he's waiting for me to make a mistake again, so he can be the first one to go running to Yuki to point it out!

I can't really blame Yuki for telling Tohma, although I was very upset when he told me.

"Am I not allowed talking to anybody about what you've done?" he had shouted, tears building up in the corner of his eyes. Those really made me feel frightened.

"It's not like you only hurt yourself!"

Oh yes, he had told me he had been really hurt to see Tatsuha and me in bed. I think I will always have to apologize for that incident.

Why does he have to be so unforgiving? It's not like he's an angel.

I answer Yuki's message while I cross the park, pausing at one special place for a minute or so.

I will never forget this spot, where Yuki and I first met. And I smile.

Because I still feel like Yuki's the best thing that could have happened to me.

I want to believe in him; someday he will trust me, trust that I won't need drugs anymore, and that I won't cheat on him.

I hope he does not make me wait too long.

You know, humans spend their lifetime searching for the one true love, no one wants to be alone.

We are striving for success and acceptance. But everyone will reach a point thatreminds us of our mortality and humanity.

There will always be situations that will make us cry.

Some of us accept that, but some of us are too weak to face the truth and unable to find the strength to carry on.

I was one of them. The human stupidity! We tend to believe illusions. But when we wake up it's too late.

I want to be strong again.

END

THANK YOU

1st

to all the readers and reviewers! I hope you also like the end of the story! Maybe I will write a sequel maybe.

2nd

to Ashcat! Thank you so much for your help! I still feel embarrassed how many mistakes I always do during writing "