Title: Kaiba's version of Ordinary Man
Subject: Yu-Gi-Oh and My Fair Lady crossover.
Author: Pearl of the Dark Age
Rating: PG / T
Warnings: chauvenism - and lots of it… and a reference to sex.
Disclaimer: This is a fanfic. I do not own any part or whole of Yu-Gi-Oh or My Fair Lady. I am not making any money off this, either. Lyrics are from "An Ordinary Man" in My Fair Lady.
Fic Summary: Kaiba is Mr. Higgins in My Fair Lady. The song format's been changed to a conversation. The words had to be altered a little to stay in character…:) Mokuba is Pickering.
"Nii-sama, are you ever going to get married?" Mokuba asked out of the blue. They were in the study that was a cross between a personal library and a home office. Seto put his book down and regarded his brother pensively.
"Well after all, Mokuba, I'm an extraordinary man, who desires nothing more than an extraordinary chance," Seto paused, smiling, "to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants…"
"Like that's ever going to happen!" Mokuba laughed. "We never had it our way. Someone is always trying ruin us… or kill us… They still haven't gotten the best of you!"
"Couldn't agree more. A supreme man am I, of no eccentric whim-"
"We can't all be Pegasus," Mokuba interjected.
"Who likes to live his life, free of strife," Seto continued, lost in his own thoughts, "doing whatever he thinks is best, for him."
"And me!" Mokuba added.
"Well... just an extraordinary man... But, let a woman in your life and your serenity is through!"
"What!" Mokuba looked horrified, "Why?"
"She'll redecorate your home, from the cellar to the dome, and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you!" Seto eyes gleamed.
"Don't they call that 'the woman's privilege?'" Mokuba asked.
"Oh, there's more!"
"More?"
"Let a woman in your life, and you're up against a wall! Make a plan and you will find, that she has something else in mind, and so rather than do either, you do something else that neither likes at all! You want to talk of Keats and Milton-"
"Who are they?" Mokuba interrupted.
"She only wants to talk of love-"
"That's for sure…"
"You go to see a play or ballet, and spend it searching for her glove." Seto gave a grimmace.
Mokuba still looked skeptical, "Well, marriage has other benefits, right?"
"Let a woman in your life and you invite eternal strife! Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands…"
"It can't be that bad…" Mokuba sounded hopeful, "Aren't you the least bit interested?"
"I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let a woman in my life!" Seto said quite firmly.
Mokuba looked thoughtful, "Well, you are not what I call a very gentle man, but you're even tempered and good natured - sometimes… You never hear me complain."
Seto raised his eyebrows. "When it comes to you, it is I who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein." It was Mokuba's turn to raise his eyebrows. "A patient man am I," Seto continued, "down to my fingertips."
"Unless, you don't get your way. Oh the things you do say…" Mokuba gleefully added. "Letting insulting remarks escape your lips."
"Very patient man... But, let a woman in your life, and patience hasn't got a chance!"
"What! There is no woman in your life! How can you say this?"
"She will beg you for advice, your reply will be concise, and she will listen very nicely, and then go out and do exactly what she wants! You are a man of grace and polish, who never spoke above a hush. All at once you're using language that would make a sailor blush!"
"Is there anything that's worthwhile?" Mokuba asked, already knowing the answer.
"Let a woman in your life, and you're plunging in a knife! Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks. I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition than to ever let a woman in my life. I'm a quiet living man, who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room. Who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscovered tomb…"
Mokuba sighed. Resigned, he sat down to listen to the rest of his brother's rant.
"A pensive man am I, of philosophical joys, who likes to meditate, contemplate, far from humanities' mad inhuman noise. Quiet living man.…"
"So what do women have to do with quiet?" Mokuba asked, forgetting himself.
"But, let a woman in your life, and your sabbatical is through!" Seto exclaimed, "In a line that never ends comes an army of her friends; come to jabber and to chatter and to tell her what the matter is with YOU!" Seto looked just as horrified with the thought as Mokuba. "She'll have a booming boisterous family, who will descend on you en mass. She'll have a large wagnarian mother, with a voice that shatters glass!"
"Now you're exaggerating!"
"I shall never let a woman in my life. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," Mokuba said, sounding a little deflated, "I'm cured of asking you about marriage."
"Good."
"What about sex?" Mokuba couldn't resist himself.