Chapter Fourteen: Girl Talk
"Buffy, just the person I was looking for," Anya said as Buffy walked into the Magic Box. "I need Spike's measurements for his tux. Can you send him over here after dark? We don't have much time until the wedding."
"I'll send him over," Buffy said, sitting down at the table. "Anya, your friend Halfrek stopped by this morning and things were really tense between her and Spike. Now normally I wouldn't care if someone didn't like Spike but when it goes on in my house then I need to know what's going on."
"I don't know," Anya said. "Hallie just asked if I could arrange a meeting between her and Spike."
"Did she say why?"
"No," Anya said.
"Well what do you know about her?" Buffy asked. "Spike wouldn't tell me anything, just that they knew each other when they were humans."
"Really?" Anya said, surprised. "I knew Hallie was young but I didn't think she was that young." At Buffy's look, "In vengeance demon years. Anyway, she never mentioned that she knew Spike. I know she become a vengeance demon after she rejected one man and then was rejected by the other. They were both killed under mysterious circumstances too."
"Wow," Buffy said. "What happened?"
"I don't know," Anya admitted. "Just that she was in some kind of love triangle. One man loved her but she rejected him and the one she did love rejected her. I guess she took it pretty hard and because of the pain she was in and the destruction that was caused because of the man she rejected she was seen as a good candidate for a vengeance demon."
"I wonder if Spike was one of the men involved with her," Buffy mused.
"It's possible," Anya admitted. "Why don't you ask Spike?"
Buffy nodded. She didn't know if Spike would tell her but it wouldn't hurt to answer. Besides it really didn't matter. She and Spike weren't involved other than occasional sex and their baby.
Anya looked at a list she was putting together, "I have no idea where we're going to put all the out of town guests that are coming for the wedding. We thought that we'd have my side at our apartment and Xander's half at his parents house but there are more than we expected."
Buffy sighed. She knew what was expected of her so she offered, "If you want we can put up a few guests at my house."
"Thank you," Anya said gratefully. "Chronus and Giles can stay with you."
"I thought Giles was staying in a hotel," Buffy pointed out.
"He was but then the hotel lost his reservation so he needs a place to stay."
"Okay," Buffy agreed. Spike and Giles had lived together before and they had survived. They could do it again, for a few days. "Who's Chronus?"
"A chaos demon," Anya explained. "He and I were good friends so I had to invite him to the wedding. Just don't get too near him. He might drip slime on your dress."
"Thanks for the warning," Buffy said. "I'm going to go train for a few hours."
"Are you sure you should?" Anya asked. "I mean…."
"I told you I'm fine as long as I don't push myself too hard," Buffy said, going into the training room.
She was sitting on the floor, and trying to clear her mind when the door opened. Buffy looked up, annoyed at the intrusion but then was happy to see that it was Willow.
"Hi," Willow said. "Can I come in?"
"Sure," Buffy said. Willow came in and sat down next to Buffy.
"How are you feeling?" Willow asked. "Spike said that you weren't feeling so good this morning."
"I'm okay," Buffy said. "It was just morning sickness."
"Yuck," Willow said sympathetically.
"You have no idea," Buffy said. "Fortunately it went away. I just hope it's not a regular occurrence." She shook her head, "Anyway, how are things with you? I've so preoccupied with everything that's happened lately that we haven't had a chance to talk."
"Things are good," Willow said. "Classes are going well and I haven't been doing any magic at all."
"That's good," Buffy said. "And how are things with you and Tara?"
"Getting better," Willow said happily. "We're not totally back together but I have high hopes."
Buffy nodded, "Well one of us at least should be happy and you deserve it."
"Well you deserve to be happy too," Willow said.
"Yeah but happiness and I don't really get along too well," Buffy said.
"It could be worse," Willow pointed out. "You have a guy who loves you to the point of obsession and you're having a baby. That's good, right?"
"I don't know," Buffy admitted. "I don't even know what I thinking getting involved with Spike. All I knew was that he made me feel he still makes me feel. I feel when I'm with him and now that I've got his baby inside of me I feel alive all the time, even when I'm not with him."
"Isn't that what you want?" Willow asked. "To feel alive again?"
"But it's not me," Buffy said, tears coming to her eyes. "It's not me feeling. I don't know why I feel the way I do when I'm with Spike but I do know that the alive feelings I have aren't mine. It's the baby. The baby's what's making me feel alive again."
Willow didn't say anything. She just looked at her friend, trying to understand what she was saying.
"Using Spike to feel alive is one thing," Buffy said. "But I can't, I won't use this baby to feel. I can't use my child."
"You won't," Willow tried to assure her. "You're going to be a great mom."
"Yeah right," Buffy said, standing up and pacing around the room. "I'm going to be a good mom. Look at how well I take care of Dawn. Social Services are two seconds away from taking her away from me. Dawn's so angry with me for not seeing what was happening with you and for her getting hurt. She doesn't even listen to me anymore. Spike's the only one who can get her to do anything."
Willow nodded, "I've noticed that too. While you were…gone he helped take care of her and they really bonded."
"And now she only listens to him," Buffy said. She knew that was because Dawn knew that Spike would never leave her. Everyone else in her life had either died or left her but Spike hadn't. He'd stayed around and protected her when he didn't have to. He'd even endured torture that would have broken most people rather than betray Dawn. "So," She sighed. "I've got an obsessed love-sick vampire living in my house. I'm having his baby. I don't have a job anymore and the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that tonight I'm going to wind up in bed with Spike."
"Yeah," Willow said. "I still can't believe that. I mean, you and Spike…."
Buffy shut her eyes, "Let's not go there. Believe me you don't want the gory details."
"Oh come on," Willow said. "You have to tell give me something."
"Fine," Buffy snapped. "It's intense, and passionate. We do things that shouldn't even be possible. It's the best sex I've ever had in my life but it's all wrong."
"If it's wrong," Willow said. "Then why do you keep going back?"
"Because it's the only way I can feel alive," Buffy told her. "I just said that."
"But there has to be something right about it," Willow pointed out. "I mean, you're having a baby…"
"I know," Buffy said. "That's what makes this so confusing."
"Do you really want this baby?" Willow asked, seriously.
Buffy sighed and was quiet for a long time. Finally she said, "I think so. I know Spike does."
"Forget about Spike," Willow said. "If this were just your decision, would you keep this baby?"
"Yes," Buffy said and this time she knew it was the truth. "I would. I'm scared and I'm confused and I don't have a clue about how I'm going to do all this but I do love this baby."
"There you go," Willow said. "That's all there is."
Buffy nodded. Willow was right. She loved her baby and that was all that she needed to know. Hopefully everything else would fall into place.
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"Buffy, just the person I was looking for," Anya said as Buffy walked into the Magic Box. "I need Spike's measurements for his tux. Can you send him over here after dark? We don't have much time until the wedding."
"I'll send him over," Buffy said, sitting down at the table. "Anya, your friend Halfrek stopped by this morning and things were really tense between her and Spike. Now normally I wouldn't care if someone didn't like Spike but when it goes on in my house then I need to know what's going on."
"I don't know," Anya said. "Hallie just asked if I could arrange a meeting between her and Spike."
"Did she say why?"
"No," Anya said.
"Well what do you know about her?" Buffy asked. "Spike wouldn't tell me anything, just that they knew each other when they were humans."
"Really?" Anya said, surprised. "I knew Hallie was young but I didn't think she was that young." At Buffy's look, "In vengeance demon years. Anyway, she never mentioned that she knew Spike. I know she become a vengeance demon after she rejected one man and then was rejected by the other. They were both killed under mysterious circumstances too."
"Wow," Buffy said. "What happened?"
"I don't know," Anya admitted. "Just that she was in some kind of love triangle. One man loved her but she rejected him and the one she did love rejected her. I guess she took it pretty hard and because of the pain she was in and the destruction that was caused because of the man she rejected she was seen as a good candidate for a vengeance demon."
"I wonder if Spike was one of the men involved with her," Buffy mused.
"It's possible," Anya admitted. "Why don't you ask Spike?"
Buffy nodded. She didn't know if Spike would tell her but it wouldn't hurt to answer. Besides it really didn't matter. She and Spike weren't involved other than occasional sex and their baby.
Anya looked at a list she was putting together, "I have no idea where we're going to put all the out of town guests that are coming for the wedding. We thought that we'd have my side at our apartment and Xander's half at his parents house but there are more than we expected."
Buffy sighed. She knew what was expected of her so she offered, "If you want we can put up a few guests at my house."
"Thank you," Anya said gratefully. "Chronus and Giles can stay with you."
"I thought Giles was staying in a hotel," Buffy pointed out.
"He was but then the hotel lost his reservation so he needs a place to stay."
"Okay," Buffy agreed. Spike and Giles had lived together before and they had survived. They could do it again, for a few days. "Who's Chronus?"
"A chaos demon," Anya explained. "He and I were good friends so I had to invite him to the wedding. Just don't get too near him. He might drip slime on your dress."
"Thanks for the warning," Buffy said. "I'm going to go train for a few hours."
"Are you sure you should?" Anya asked. "I mean…."
"I told you I'm fine as long as I don't push myself too hard," Buffy said, going into the training room.
She was sitting on the floor, and trying to clear her mind when the door opened. Buffy looked up, annoyed at the intrusion but then was happy to see that it was Willow.
"Hi," Willow said. "Can I come in?"
"Sure," Buffy said. Willow came in and sat down next to Buffy.
"How are you feeling?" Willow asked. "Spike said that you weren't feeling so good this morning."
"I'm okay," Buffy said. "It was just morning sickness."
"Yuck," Willow said sympathetically.
"You have no idea," Buffy said. "Fortunately it went away. I just hope it's not a regular occurrence." She shook her head, "Anyway, how are things with you? I've so preoccupied with everything that's happened lately that we haven't had a chance to talk."
"Things are good," Willow said. "Classes are going well and I haven't been doing any magic at all."
"That's good," Buffy said. "And how are things with you and Tara?"
"Getting better," Willow said happily. "We're not totally back together but I have high hopes."
Buffy nodded, "Well one of us at least should be happy and you deserve it."
"Well you deserve to be happy too," Willow said.
"Yeah but happiness and I don't really get along too well," Buffy said.
"It could be worse," Willow pointed out. "You have a guy who loves you to the point of obsession and you're having a baby. That's good, right?"
"I don't know," Buffy admitted. "I don't even know what I thinking getting involved with Spike. All I knew was that he made me feel he still makes me feel. I feel when I'm with him and now that I've got his baby inside of me I feel alive all the time, even when I'm not with him."
"Isn't that what you want?" Willow asked. "To feel alive again?"
"But it's not me," Buffy said, tears coming to her eyes. "It's not me feeling. I don't know why I feel the way I do when I'm with Spike but I do know that the alive feelings I have aren't mine. It's the baby. The baby's what's making me feel alive again."
Willow didn't say anything. She just looked at her friend, trying to understand what she was saying.
"Using Spike to feel alive is one thing," Buffy said. "But I can't, I won't use this baby to feel. I can't use my child."
"You won't," Willow tried to assure her. "You're going to be a great mom."
"Yeah right," Buffy said, standing up and pacing around the room. "I'm going to be a good mom. Look at how well I take care of Dawn. Social Services are two seconds away from taking her away from me. Dawn's so angry with me for not seeing what was happening with you and for her getting hurt. She doesn't even listen to me anymore. Spike's the only one who can get her to do anything."
Willow nodded, "I've noticed that too. While you were…gone he helped take care of her and they really bonded."
"And now she only listens to him," Buffy said. She knew that was because Dawn knew that Spike would never leave her. Everyone else in her life had either died or left her but Spike hadn't. He'd stayed around and protected her when he didn't have to. He'd even endured torture that would have broken most people rather than betray Dawn. "So," She sighed. "I've got an obsessed love-sick vampire living in my house. I'm having his baby. I don't have a job anymore and the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that tonight I'm going to wind up in bed with Spike."
"Yeah," Willow said. "I still can't believe that. I mean, you and Spike…."
Buffy shut her eyes, "Let's not go there. Believe me you don't want the gory details."
"Oh come on," Willow said. "You have to tell give me something."
"Fine," Buffy snapped. "It's intense, and passionate. We do things that shouldn't even be possible. It's the best sex I've ever had in my life but it's all wrong."
"If it's wrong," Willow said. "Then why do you keep going back?"
"Because it's the only way I can feel alive," Buffy told her. "I just said that."
"But there has to be something right about it," Willow pointed out. "I mean, you're having a baby…"
"I know," Buffy said. "That's what makes this so confusing."
"Do you really want this baby?" Willow asked, seriously.
Buffy sighed and was quiet for a long time. Finally she said, "I think so. I know Spike does."
"Forget about Spike," Willow said. "If this were just your decision, would you keep this baby?"
"Yes," Buffy said and this time she knew it was the truth. "I would. I'm scared and I'm confused and I don't have a clue about how I'm going to do all this but I do love this baby."
"There you go," Willow said. "That's all there is."
Buffy nodded. Willow was right. She loved her baby and that was all that she needed to know. Hopefully everything else would fall into place.
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