Paring: Anakin/Obi-wan
Warnings: SLASH, M/M
Beta: Hannurdock
Summary: AU SLASH. Angst/Romance. Feelings change, as Anakin helps Obi-Wan recover from his torture on Rattatak.
Author comments: Chapter Three is up - my personal favourite. I have a lot of college work to do this week, so there may be a slightly longer wait for chapter 4 - it's in its first edit at the moment, so there's quite a lot of work to do on it yet.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to George Lucas. No infringement is intended and I make no profit from this….what so ever.
"Against All Odds"
Chapter Three: Insight.
Anakin cursed to himself as he walked back up to his quarters. He had only meant to see Padmé for a while, just to check in on her. He felt guilty for being so distant with her. He had sought comfort in her presence. It soothed him, or at least it should have, it used to…
Nevertheless, Padmé needed him. For the past few days, Obi-Wan had been distinctly distant and it both infuriated and hurt Anakin at the same time. Before Rattatak, Obi-Wan and he had been close. Fighting side-by-side on the battlefield had left no room for petty arguments and youngling tantrums.
Anakin could still remember vividly the sound of the explosion. Standing in the filth ridden swampy battlefield on Jibiim, the ground had shook beneath him. In that instant Anakin had dropped to his knees, grasping at his head as his felt the faint whisper of Obi-Wan's Force signature melt away.
It was the only time, for the briefest of seconds, that Anakin had entertained the thought that his Master was dead. Since then, he had spent every night in Obi-Wan's room. Opting for the physical connection it served over sleeping with his wife…
Padmé had understood at first, had been patient, but as the weeks had gone by she had become increasingly frustrated. Now that Obi-Wan was back and alive, Padmé had expected to see more of Anakin, not less. But Anakin could still only think of his Master. A dull ache in his chest accompanied the urge to be near Obi-Wan, to feel his presence instead of spending time with the women he claimed to love.
It made physical intimacy with his wife impossible. Whenever he touched her, his mind seemed to stray…Anakin had quickly made his excuses and left when she had offered to take him to bed. The look on Padmé's face hunted him; Anakin had not meant to hurt her. He couldn't escape the feeling that somehow, on a more intimate level, he would be betraying Obi-Wan by having sex with her.
Anakin palmed open the door to his quarters and shrugged off his cloak. He threw it over the back of the couch as he sat down to take off his boots. He removed his belt and pulled off his outer tunic, groaning a little as the tense muscles in his shoulder protested painfully at the movement. Anakin rested his head in his hands, sighing deeply. Force, he felt tired. He rubbed his temples slowly, trying to soothe out the throbbing pain in his head. He cast an eye over to his bedroom door and then to his Master's room. Taking a few moments to decide, he slowly got up to his feet and made his way into Obi-Wan's room.
His heart broke when he saw the sleeping form of his Master; Obi-Wan was hunched up on his side, clutching his knees tightly to his chest. His cheeks were tear stained, and pieces of crumpled tissue surrounded him on the bed. One piece still remained in Obi-Wan's grasp; the elder Jedi had cried himself to exhaustion.
Never in his life, had Anakin seen his Master look so vulnerable before. "Obi-Wan. I'm so sorry," he whispered, lips quivering a little as tears formed in his eyes.
Moving slowly so as not to wake the elder man, Anakin walked across the room and sat on the bed. Slowly, he eased the tissue out of Obi-Wan's hand, jumping slightly when the elder Jedi groaned and rolled onto his back. He pulled the blanket over Obi-Wan's shoulders and discarded the rest of the tissues into the bin beside the table.
Satisfied that his Master had fallen back to sleep, Anakin attentively brushed his fingers over the sleeping Jedi's cheek, tracing the dried tear tracks lightly with the pads of his fingers. He should have known Obi-Wan would put on a brave face, should have known that it was all 'Kenobi bravado.' The man had been through hell, but he would never admit to any kind of weakness, especially to his Padawan.
Gently, Anakin stretched out on the bed. Placing his hand over Obi-Wan's chest, he sought out the gentle pulse of the elder Jedi's heartbeat.
Thump. Thump.
It soothed away all the tension in his body, all the worry in his mind. Just like it had done when he was young, feeling alone and afraid. Focusing on the sound, Anakin closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
A slight breeze swept through the room chilling Anakin's back. Instinctively, he reached out with his left arm, pulling in the warm body of his sleeping partner against him. He brushed his lips lightly over the smooth skin and he wrapped his arm around his partner's waist. It felt so good, so familiar, but different somehow. As the realisation struck him, Anakin snapped open his eyes. Blinking furiously, his heart jumped when the fuzzy form of his Master came into focus.
Oh Force.
"Anakin, why are you in my bed?" Obi-Wan asked, an unreadable expression on his face.
Anakin felt his cheeks flush as he pulled away sharply. "I…er…sorry, M-Master," he said nervously.
Obi-Wan held his serious expression for a while before breaking into a smile. "It's alright Anakin. I-I have to admit it was comforting to wake up with you near me," he said sheepishly, breaking eye contact.
Anakin smiled softly, forgetting about his embarrassing conduct. He felt his heart flutter a little; Obi-Wan needed him after all. A warm sense of compassion enveloped his heart and he chuckled, arching his eyebrows and shaking his head a little.
Obi-Wan laughed too, bringing his hands up to his face. "You were getting very cosy there, Anakin."
"Hey, I didn't hear you complain all that much."
"Well, it's been a long time, Anakin." Obi-Wan sighed.
Anakin's jaw dropped open in shock. "You've…you've."
Obi-Wan smiled, arcing up his eyebrows. "Believe it or not, young one, I did have a rebellious phase once."
"I never would have thought…wow. Still…" Anakin shook his head a little and placed his hand over Obi-Wan's. "You look better this morning, Master. It's nice to see you smile."
"Better? Oh I'm fine. Just a little sore, but I'll live." Obi-Wan said, moving his hand from underneath Anakin's.
Anakin frowned, confused by Obi-Wan's reaction. "Well, I'm sorry that I wasn't around yesterday when you woke. I shouldn't have left you."
Obi-Wan turned away from Anakin, pulling the blanket tightly around him. His posture suddenly tense, his shoulders hunched up high and his head bowed. Anakin recognised Obi-Wan's expression. Brow furrowed, eyes dark, lips pressed tightly together. Obi-Wan was thinking of something - something very unpleasant and painful but at the same time trying not to look as though he was pained.
"Master?" Anakin whispered, laying one hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder.
"I'm fine, Anakin."
"You don't look fine," Anakin gently pulled Obi-Wan onto his back, the action met with weak resistance. "I'm sorry if I said something to upset you."
Obi-Wan remained silent; his expression had reverted back to normal, calm and emotionless. His eyes however, remained darkened. The bright blue glint that Anakin had seen just a moment ago gone. Obi-Wan sighed despondently, wrapping a loose piece of twine from the blanket around his finger.
Anakin watched silently, unsure of how to proceed. Obi-Wan had gone from being playful and happy to unresponsive it a matter of minutes. Anakin's heart ached with the knowledge that his Master was in pain. He could feel the waves of sadness, fear and confusion flowing from Obi-Wan's Force signature.
He missed the Force bond he had with Obi-Wan. The splinters that were left in his mind itched slightly, causing an unusual irritating sensation, like grains of sand rubbing around the inside of his head. Had the bond been there, Anakin could have used the Force to console his Master, instead of having to rely on words and rebuffed displays of physical affection.
After a few minutes, Anakin reached out to grasp at Obi-Wan's hand. The elder man had absently twisted the twine from the blanket around his finger too tightly. "Hey, you're hurting yourself." Anakin whispered as he began to untangle the string from around Obi-Wan's finger.
Anakin flinched as Obi-Wan pulled his hand away sharply. He felt stung by the rejection and bit his lip hard. He could feel faint whispers of anger rising inside, the feeling quelled by the knowledge that if he was to lose his temper, it would do more harm that good. He sighed deeply, watching Obi-Wan as he pushed the blanket away, his gaze fixed on his finger as it slowly turned back to its normal colour.
"Master?"
The sound shook Obi-Wan out of his trance and he turned slowly to face Anakin. "Mmm?"
"What did you just remember?" Anakin asked softly. He reached out to place a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder but stopped before he made contact. He didn't want to be rejected again. It was obvious by now that his touch seemed to make Obi-Wan feel more uncomfortable…
"I'm fine…" Obi-Wan repeated absently.
Anakin took in a deep breath; shaking his head. "You are not fine, Master. You were upset last night. When I came in to check on you…I found that you had fallen asleep…crying. And now…you're barely even here. Tell me…tell me what you need, how can I help you. Should I take you back to the Healer's? …Obi-Wan? Please talk to me." Anakin's voice trembled as he spoke, days of pent up worry and rising frustration unleashed in one blow.
Obi-Wan shuddered. He opened his mouth, and then closed it, a look of concentration etched on his face as he sought the right words, "It was just a dream, Anakin." he sighed in mild exasperation.
"It must have been a bad one then, for you to be so upset" Anakin paused at the discomfort evident on Obi-Wan's face. He didn't want to upset his Master any further. On the other hand, he wanted Obi-Wan to talk to him, he wanted to help. "I'm sorry that I just shouted at you. I didn't mean…."
"There's no need to apologise, Anakin. I know that you are stressed. Your trials are coming up soon; it's an important time for you."
Anakin shook his head, smiling wryly "You're very good at doing that, Master."
"Doing what?" Obi-Wan asked defensively.
"Deflecting…" Anakin let the word hang between them for a moment before continuing. "Tell me about your dream. I'm no stranger to nightmares; I might be able to…."
"Drop it, Anakin."
"Master, I'm just trying to…"
"Drop it, Padawan." Obi-Wan hissed, as he pushed himself roughly up off the bed.
Anakin cringed when he heard Obi-Wan's piecing scream. Quickly, he jumped across the bed to catch his Master before he could fall. He found Obi-Wan clutching at his left side, and was horrified when he saw blood seeping through his Master's fingers.
"Sith, you've pulled the wound open." Anakin spat, covering his hand over Obi-Wan's. He looked urgently around the room for something he could use as a dressing.
Obi-Wan swatted Anakin's hand away, mumbling through gritted teeth. "Anakin, stop fussing."
Suddenly, Anakin remembered the box of tissues by the bed and hurriedly grabbed a handful of them. "Here, let me…"
"I said stop fussing." Obi-Wan once again slapped Anakin's hand away.
"For fuck's sake, Obi-Wan. How the Sith I am supposed to deal with this when you won't let me touch you!" Anakin snapped. Tears of frustration now rolled down his checks but he wiped them away roughly with the back of his hand.
"Well shouting isn't going to help!" Obi-Wan hissed back.
Anakin scoffed loudly, throwing the tissues into Obi-Wan's hand. "You do it then," he said, swallowing hard over the lump in his throat as he got up to his feet.
Avoiding Obi-Wan's gaze, Anakin spun on his heels and ran for the fresher, closing the door behind him. Now, safely out of sight he curled his robotic hand into a fist and rammed it into the wall. "Why won't you let me help you?" Tears now rolled freely down his cheeks as he fought the urge to scream. His body trembled, as he tried to calm down his erratic breathing.
His anger soon gave way to great sadness. Anakin brought his hands up to mouth as he cried. It was a futile attempt to muffle any sound that might betray his outburst. He sank slowly to his knees, his back sliding against the wall on the way down.
After a few minutes, Anakin began to calm down, taking a few deep breaths in and out. He focused on releasing his erratic emotions into the Force. Then, with a medkit in hand, he quickly looked in the mirror to see if it was safe enough to show his face, before walking back into the bedroom.
Obi-Wan hadn't moved. He sat on the edge of the bed, holding the tissues Anakin had given him over his wound. His shoulders were slumped, his brow furrowed and his lips tightly pressed together. It was the same old expression Anakin had seen earlier. Only this time, the glazed glint in Obi-Wan's eyes gave him away. He was on the verge of crying.
"I know what you're doing, you know," Anakin sighed, as he walked over to the bed. "I just figured it out and it won't work," he knelt down on the floor and opened the medkit.
Obi-Wan flinched as Anakin pulled at the tissues, peeling them away slowly. Anakin couldn't be sure if it was the pain, or his words that had caused the reaction. But he gauged that it was probably a mixture of them both. He held Obi-Wan's gaze for a moment before he started to speak again. "You're pushing me away, because you are hurting. You think I don't know this, but I do, I feel it."
Obi-Wan swallowed hard, sighing deeply as tears began to roll down his cheeks. He sat still and passively watched as Anakin cleaned and covered his wound.
Anakin drew up onto his knees, and attentively brushed his fingers through Obi-Wan's hair, moving some of the errant strands that had fallen into the elder Jedi's eyes.
"You'll have to get that checked out properly," Anakin said softly. "I'm no Healer, I'm afraid."
"Anakin," Obi-Wan whispered, leaning into the hand placed on the side of his face.
"Yes?" Anakin replied, catching a few stray tears with his thumb.
"I'm sorry."
Anakin drew himself up onto the bed and pulled Obi-Wan into his arms. He felt his heart wrench as Obi-Wan began to shake; when the elder Jedi gasped as he wrapped his arms around him tightly. Obi-Wan melted into Anakin's embrace, whispering heartfelt apologies and pleas, as Anakin rocked him gently.
In that moment, Anakin was overcome by a sensation of compassion - no love - for his Master. A feeling he had denied himself long ago, for fear of rejection. He had loved Obi-Wan all of his life, in one way or another. When he was younger he had harboured a crush on his Master, but that had been years back, during the height of puberty, when it was considered normal for a Padawan to have fantasies about their mentor.
He thought that he had got over his youngling infatuation. Instead, he had buried his feelings deep down inside, like a good little Padawan. The effort that it had taken to ignore his feelings had made him feel bitter.
Before the clone wars had begun, Anakin had often felt resentful of Obi-Wan. He had been angry with his Master for making him feel this way, so out of control. Then Padmé had come back into his life. With his relationship with Obi-Wan strained, when he lost his mother, Anakin had latched onto Padmé. It was the only form of comfort offered to him in the midst of all the turmoil in his life. Since then he had be content to live in the illusion he had created for himself.
When Anakin heard and felt that explosion on that fateful day, on Jibiim that illusion too had been shattered. It wasn't until he thought he had lost Obi-Wan that he realised just how much he really did feel for him.
And now it was too late.
TBC