Chapter Thirty: Tremulous and Tender
"Say something," Buffy said. Angel hadn't said a word since she had told him about her pregnancy. He had simply turned away from her and stared out the window.
"You're carrying Spike's child," Angel said, without a trace of emotion in his voice.
"Yes," Buffy said.
"When did this happen?" Angel asked.
"When I started sleeping with Spike or when I got pregnant?" Buffy asked.
"They started separately?" Angel said, bitterly. "Both."
"We've been sleeping together for a while," Buffy said. "And I'm a little over three months along."
"How?" Angel asked. "How was it possible for Spike to get you pregnant? Connor was conceived because of a prophecy but I haven't heard any kind of prophecy about a Slayer and a vampire conceiving a child together."
"This baby wasn't conceived from a prophecy," Buffy explained. "Tara did a spell that she thought would make Spike human again. It worked long enough for us to create a baby but that was it."
"So he's living here now?" Angel said. Spike's scent was all over the house. Angel was surprised he hadn't noticed it before.
"Yes," Buffy said. "He's helping to pay the bills and with Dawn."
"How did this happen?" Angel asked. He was still staring out the window. "How did you and Spike mange to create a child together? You hate each other. What are you doing sleeping with someone you hate?"
Buffy tried to hold in her temper and said, "It just happened. Look, I have been through this with everyone else. Spike made me feel again after what I had been through. He helped me in a way no one could.""
"Obviously," Angel said.
"Don't pull that self-righteous attitude with me," Buffy snapped. "Let's not forget that you slept with that bitch, Darla and last I heard you two weren't too fond of each other."
"Different circumstances," Angel protested.
"I don't care. How does this work? You get to have a child with a vampire but I don't? You get to have a son and all that goes with it but I can't?"
"You're having a boy?" Angel said, surprised.
"I don't know," Buffy said. "And that's not the point. You left remember? You don't get to tell me how to live my life."
"You're right," Angel said, finally turning around and facing Buffy. He walked over to Buffy and touched her cheek. "I just hate that he touched you, the thought of the two of you together…"
"Now you know how I felt when I found out about Connor," Buffy said, pulling away from him. "Especially when I found out that Darla was his mother."
"But Darla's dead," Angel pointed out. "She and I will never be together again. Spike's still around."
"That depends on you," Buffy said. "Right now Spike's life is in your hands. He needs your blood or he's going to burn alive."
"You don't know what you're asking," Angel says. "Even before you there's a lot of history between me and Spike."
"I don't care," Buffy said. "I know you two didn't exactly agree in the past. Spike and I have had our problems too. I'm not in love with him. We're just having a child together. The most I feel for him is like and some respect."
Angel studied her, "No, you feel more than that. Otherwise you wouldn't be having his child. You feel more for him, you just don't know it."
"At most we're friends," Buffy said. "And that's pushing it."
"Right," Angel said. "You're friends. That's why he's living with you and you're having his child. You're such good friends that he would let a god torture him rather than betray you and Dawn and you're standing right here begging me for my help because you're such good friends," He practically spat out the last words.
"I am doing this for Dawn and my baby," Buffy said. "They both need him. Spike's the only know who knows how to handle Dawn and my baby deserves a father. All of us, you, me, Spike, none of us have had a good father. Connor has you. Doesn't my baby deserve to have a father?"
"Buffy…" Angel said.
"Well?" Buffy asked. "Look, you sired Spike. You, Darla, Drusilla and Spike were together for twenty years. Wasn't there ever a time that you cared about him?"
"Buffy.." Angel said.
"At least come up and look at him," Buffy said. "Look at him and then tell me that you won't help him."
"Fine," Angel said. He and Buffy went upstairs to her room.
Dawn was sitting next to the bed, tears on her cheeks. She looked up when Angel and Buffy came in, "Is he going to help?" Dawn asked.
Angel looked at Spike and the anger he felt was replaced by compassion. Spike was lying on Buffy's bed, wearing only jeans. He was covered in burns, from the torture inflicted on him by Dru. There were also signs that the poison she had given him was working its way through his skin. Dawn placed another ice pack on his chest and Spike moaned from the pain. Angel sighed. He had to help Spike. He had no choice, "What do you need me to do?"
Buffy sighed with relief, "Willow and Tara are working on a spell. Everything's ready. They just need your blood."
"Let's get this over with then," Angel said. He went downstairs, leaving Buffy and Dawn with Spike.
"He's really going to help?" Dawn asked.
"He will," Buffy said. "He's just in shock over the baby."
"You told him?" Dawn said.
"He guessed," Buffy said. "I thought that I was hiding it but I guess not well enough."
"What did he say?" Dawn asked.
"Not important," Buffy said. "Right now we have to concentrate on getting Spike better."
"And finding out why those guys were working with Drusilla in the first place," Dawn pointed out. "Those guys plus Drusilla can't be good."
"No," Buffy agreed. "Maybe Spike can tell us what's going on when he wakes up. Has he said anything about what happened?"
Dawn shook her head, "No, he still thinks I'm Charlotte." She brushed his hair back from his head. "I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth." She looked up at Buffy. "He really loved her and if he wants to think I'm her then…"
"No, that's fine," Buffy said. "I'm going to go see how long it's going to take for the cure to be ready. Call me if there's any change."
"Why don't I go," Dawn suggested. "You can sit with him." Buffy hesitated and Dawn saw that and said, angrily, "What? You can't sit with Spike for even a few minutes? He's good enough for you to sleep with but you can't waste your time sitting with him while he might be dying because of you?"
"Dawn," Buffy started to say.
"No," Dawn said. She was tired and her emotions were taking control. "He wouldn't have gone up against Drusilla and those guys if it hadn't been for you. He was so angry over what those people and Sarah did to you. This wouldn't have happened if you didn't mean so much to him."
"I didn't see you stopping him," Buffy snapped. "All you had to do was run upstairs and tell me what Spike was going to do. I could have stopped him or at least gone after him."
"Right," Dawn said. "Like you really could have fought Drusilla yourself."
"It wouldn't have gotten that far," Buffy snapped. "I wouldn't have let Spike go out in the first place."
"You couldn't have stopped him," Dawn said. "I tried to get him to stay here but he wouldn't listen to me. He wouldn't have listened to you, either."
"Well we'll never know," Buffy said.
"At least I cared enough to make sure he didn't get himself killed. I've never seen you doing that," Dawn said.
"That's not true," Buffy said. "If I didn't care about what happened to Spike then I never would have sent for Angel. I wouldn't have practically begged Angel to help Spike, so don't tell me that I don't care about Spike. He's the father of my child for crying out loud."
Dawn nodded, and looked tearfully at Buffy, "Please don't let him die. I can't lose him too."
"You're not going to lose him," Buffy said. She sighed, "Why don't you go and get some sleep? I'll stay with Spike until you wake up." Dawn nodded and left the room.
"She really cares about him," Angel said from the doorway.
"Yes," Buffy said, sitting down in the chair next to her bed. Angel sat down next to her and took a sip from the glass of blood in his hand. "She does." She glanced at the bandage on his arm, "Did they get what they needed?"
Angel nodded, "They should have it ready soon." He looked at Buffy, "Is this what you want, really? You want to be living with Spike and having a child with him?"
Buffy sighed, "No, this isn't how I dreamed I would be living my life but since when has anything I ever dreamed turned out? This isn't the ideal situation but it could be a lot worse."
"I know," Angel said. "I just don't understand how things between you and Spike got this far."
"It just happened," Buffy said. "I didn't plan it. It just happened." She stared straight at Angel, "And I'm not going to apologize for anything I've done. No matter what happened I have my baby. I was unsure about being pregnant at first but right now there is no one on this earth that I love more than this baby and I will always be grateful to Spike for giving me what might be my only chance at being a mother."
"I know," Angel said. "And I'm glad that you have that chance. Having a child…."
"And Spike is going to be a good father," Buffy said. "I don't know if he can love or not but I know he is capable of deep devotion and that's what he'll give this baby."
Angel nodded, "And what about you?"
"Remember how devoted he was to Drusilla?" Buffy asked, with a sardonic smile. "Well he threatened to kill her for me once. He confides in Dawn and from what she's told me I think he cares for me, Dawn and this baby more than he's ever cared for anyone."
"I still wish that you were with anyone but him," Angel said. "What kind of life can he give you and a child?"
"I don't know," Buffy admitted. "But we have something that works."
"I hope it does," Angel said. "Because I don't want you to get hurt."
"I won't," Buffy said, hoping that that was true.
Angel sighed, "All I want is for you to be happy and if you are then…."
Buffy nodded, understanding what he meant.
"Is there anything else I can do?" Angel asked. "Do you want me to see if I can find Dru?"
"Let's wait until Spike wakes up and then we can find out what really happened," Buffy said.
"What did happen? Willow wasn't too clear," Angel asked.
"Spike found out that the midwife I've been seeing had been giving me these herbs that were making me sick. He confronted her and she led him to these guys that have been giving me trouble for months. I guess they were working with Drusilla. I don't know the details. Dawn couldn't hear what was being said but it ended with Spike being tortured and poisoned by Drusilla."
"Are you okay?" Angel asked, concerned. "She didn't hurt you or your child?"
"I don't think so," Buffy said. "I've made an appointment with a doctor to get checked out but so far everything's fine."
"Good," Angel said. He stood up. "I'm going to go and check on Connor. He gets upset if he wakes up and I'm not there." He left the room, leaving Buffy alone with Spike.
"Hey," Buffy said to Spike. "If you wanted some attention you could have just asked." She brushed his hair back. "Hang on, okay. I'm not going to be a single mother. So don't think you're going to get out of being a father this easily. You've never been the love 'em and leave 'em type so don't start now." She lay down on the bed next to him and rested her head on his shoulder, on one of the few places where there weren't burns or bruises. She took his one of his hands and placed it on her stomach and said quietly, "Please don't leave me."
"Say something," Buffy said. Angel hadn't said a word since she had told him about her pregnancy. He had simply turned away from her and stared out the window.
"You're carrying Spike's child," Angel said, without a trace of emotion in his voice.
"Yes," Buffy said.
"When did this happen?" Angel asked.
"When I started sleeping with Spike or when I got pregnant?" Buffy asked.
"They started separately?" Angel said, bitterly. "Both."
"We've been sleeping together for a while," Buffy said. "And I'm a little over three months along."
"How?" Angel asked. "How was it possible for Spike to get you pregnant? Connor was conceived because of a prophecy but I haven't heard any kind of prophecy about a Slayer and a vampire conceiving a child together."
"This baby wasn't conceived from a prophecy," Buffy explained. "Tara did a spell that she thought would make Spike human again. It worked long enough for us to create a baby but that was it."
"So he's living here now?" Angel said. Spike's scent was all over the house. Angel was surprised he hadn't noticed it before.
"Yes," Buffy said. "He's helping to pay the bills and with Dawn."
"How did this happen?" Angel asked. He was still staring out the window. "How did you and Spike mange to create a child together? You hate each other. What are you doing sleeping with someone you hate?"
Buffy tried to hold in her temper and said, "It just happened. Look, I have been through this with everyone else. Spike made me feel again after what I had been through. He helped me in a way no one could.""
"Obviously," Angel said.
"Don't pull that self-righteous attitude with me," Buffy snapped. "Let's not forget that you slept with that bitch, Darla and last I heard you two weren't too fond of each other."
"Different circumstances," Angel protested.
"I don't care. How does this work? You get to have a child with a vampire but I don't? You get to have a son and all that goes with it but I can't?"
"You're having a boy?" Angel said, surprised.
"I don't know," Buffy said. "And that's not the point. You left remember? You don't get to tell me how to live my life."
"You're right," Angel said, finally turning around and facing Buffy. He walked over to Buffy and touched her cheek. "I just hate that he touched you, the thought of the two of you together…"
"Now you know how I felt when I found out about Connor," Buffy said, pulling away from him. "Especially when I found out that Darla was his mother."
"But Darla's dead," Angel pointed out. "She and I will never be together again. Spike's still around."
"That depends on you," Buffy said. "Right now Spike's life is in your hands. He needs your blood or he's going to burn alive."
"You don't know what you're asking," Angel says. "Even before you there's a lot of history between me and Spike."
"I don't care," Buffy said. "I know you two didn't exactly agree in the past. Spike and I have had our problems too. I'm not in love with him. We're just having a child together. The most I feel for him is like and some respect."
Angel studied her, "No, you feel more than that. Otherwise you wouldn't be having his child. You feel more for him, you just don't know it."
"At most we're friends," Buffy said. "And that's pushing it."
"Right," Angel said. "You're friends. That's why he's living with you and you're having his child. You're such good friends that he would let a god torture him rather than betray you and Dawn and you're standing right here begging me for my help because you're such good friends," He practically spat out the last words.
"I am doing this for Dawn and my baby," Buffy said. "They both need him. Spike's the only know who knows how to handle Dawn and my baby deserves a father. All of us, you, me, Spike, none of us have had a good father. Connor has you. Doesn't my baby deserve to have a father?"
"Buffy…" Angel said.
"Well?" Buffy asked. "Look, you sired Spike. You, Darla, Drusilla and Spike were together for twenty years. Wasn't there ever a time that you cared about him?"
"Buffy.." Angel said.
"At least come up and look at him," Buffy said. "Look at him and then tell me that you won't help him."
"Fine," Angel said. He and Buffy went upstairs to her room.
Dawn was sitting next to the bed, tears on her cheeks. She looked up when Angel and Buffy came in, "Is he going to help?" Dawn asked.
Angel looked at Spike and the anger he felt was replaced by compassion. Spike was lying on Buffy's bed, wearing only jeans. He was covered in burns, from the torture inflicted on him by Dru. There were also signs that the poison she had given him was working its way through his skin. Dawn placed another ice pack on his chest and Spike moaned from the pain. Angel sighed. He had to help Spike. He had no choice, "What do you need me to do?"
Buffy sighed with relief, "Willow and Tara are working on a spell. Everything's ready. They just need your blood."
"Let's get this over with then," Angel said. He went downstairs, leaving Buffy and Dawn with Spike.
"He's really going to help?" Dawn asked.
"He will," Buffy said. "He's just in shock over the baby."
"You told him?" Dawn said.
"He guessed," Buffy said. "I thought that I was hiding it but I guess not well enough."
"What did he say?" Dawn asked.
"Not important," Buffy said. "Right now we have to concentrate on getting Spike better."
"And finding out why those guys were working with Drusilla in the first place," Dawn pointed out. "Those guys plus Drusilla can't be good."
"No," Buffy agreed. "Maybe Spike can tell us what's going on when he wakes up. Has he said anything about what happened?"
Dawn shook her head, "No, he still thinks I'm Charlotte." She brushed his hair back from his head. "I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth." She looked up at Buffy. "He really loved her and if he wants to think I'm her then…"
"No, that's fine," Buffy said. "I'm going to go see how long it's going to take for the cure to be ready. Call me if there's any change."
"Why don't I go," Dawn suggested. "You can sit with him." Buffy hesitated and Dawn saw that and said, angrily, "What? You can't sit with Spike for even a few minutes? He's good enough for you to sleep with but you can't waste your time sitting with him while he might be dying because of you?"
"Dawn," Buffy started to say.
"No," Dawn said. She was tired and her emotions were taking control. "He wouldn't have gone up against Drusilla and those guys if it hadn't been for you. He was so angry over what those people and Sarah did to you. This wouldn't have happened if you didn't mean so much to him."
"I didn't see you stopping him," Buffy snapped. "All you had to do was run upstairs and tell me what Spike was going to do. I could have stopped him or at least gone after him."
"Right," Dawn said. "Like you really could have fought Drusilla yourself."
"It wouldn't have gotten that far," Buffy snapped. "I wouldn't have let Spike go out in the first place."
"You couldn't have stopped him," Dawn said. "I tried to get him to stay here but he wouldn't listen to me. He wouldn't have listened to you, either."
"Well we'll never know," Buffy said.
"At least I cared enough to make sure he didn't get himself killed. I've never seen you doing that," Dawn said.
"That's not true," Buffy said. "If I didn't care about what happened to Spike then I never would have sent for Angel. I wouldn't have practically begged Angel to help Spike, so don't tell me that I don't care about Spike. He's the father of my child for crying out loud."
Dawn nodded, and looked tearfully at Buffy, "Please don't let him die. I can't lose him too."
"You're not going to lose him," Buffy said. She sighed, "Why don't you go and get some sleep? I'll stay with Spike until you wake up." Dawn nodded and left the room.
"She really cares about him," Angel said from the doorway.
"Yes," Buffy said, sitting down in the chair next to her bed. Angel sat down next to her and took a sip from the glass of blood in his hand. "She does." She glanced at the bandage on his arm, "Did they get what they needed?"
Angel nodded, "They should have it ready soon." He looked at Buffy, "Is this what you want, really? You want to be living with Spike and having a child with him?"
Buffy sighed, "No, this isn't how I dreamed I would be living my life but since when has anything I ever dreamed turned out? This isn't the ideal situation but it could be a lot worse."
"I know," Angel said. "I just don't understand how things between you and Spike got this far."
"It just happened," Buffy said. "I didn't plan it. It just happened." She stared straight at Angel, "And I'm not going to apologize for anything I've done. No matter what happened I have my baby. I was unsure about being pregnant at first but right now there is no one on this earth that I love more than this baby and I will always be grateful to Spike for giving me what might be my only chance at being a mother."
"I know," Angel said. "And I'm glad that you have that chance. Having a child…."
"And Spike is going to be a good father," Buffy said. "I don't know if he can love or not but I know he is capable of deep devotion and that's what he'll give this baby."
Angel nodded, "And what about you?"
"Remember how devoted he was to Drusilla?" Buffy asked, with a sardonic smile. "Well he threatened to kill her for me once. He confides in Dawn and from what she's told me I think he cares for me, Dawn and this baby more than he's ever cared for anyone."
"I still wish that you were with anyone but him," Angel said. "What kind of life can he give you and a child?"
"I don't know," Buffy admitted. "But we have something that works."
"I hope it does," Angel said. "Because I don't want you to get hurt."
"I won't," Buffy said, hoping that that was true.
Angel sighed, "All I want is for you to be happy and if you are then…."
Buffy nodded, understanding what he meant.
"Is there anything else I can do?" Angel asked. "Do you want me to see if I can find Dru?"
"Let's wait until Spike wakes up and then we can find out what really happened," Buffy said.
"What did happen? Willow wasn't too clear," Angel asked.
"Spike found out that the midwife I've been seeing had been giving me these herbs that were making me sick. He confronted her and she led him to these guys that have been giving me trouble for months. I guess they were working with Drusilla. I don't know the details. Dawn couldn't hear what was being said but it ended with Spike being tortured and poisoned by Drusilla."
"Are you okay?" Angel asked, concerned. "She didn't hurt you or your child?"
"I don't think so," Buffy said. "I've made an appointment with a doctor to get checked out but so far everything's fine."
"Good," Angel said. He stood up. "I'm going to go and check on Connor. He gets upset if he wakes up and I'm not there." He left the room, leaving Buffy alone with Spike.
"Hey," Buffy said to Spike. "If you wanted some attention you could have just asked." She brushed his hair back. "Hang on, okay. I'm not going to be a single mother. So don't think you're going to get out of being a father this easily. You've never been the love 'em and leave 'em type so don't start now." She lay down on the bed next to him and rested her head on his shoulder, on one of the few places where there weren't burns or bruises. She took his one of his hands and placed it on her stomach and said quietly, "Please don't leave me."