DISCLAIMER: I here by proclaim the following disclaimer unnecessary! Don't be offended, it's a story, ect. ect. Yeah, I don't own God and stuff of the Bible, though maybe someday I'll own publishing rights to it. I don't know. Ect. ect. blah blah blah, please enjoy.

When you last saw Jesus he was leaving a place of worship and was angry with God, but unlike before he didn't go to a beach he went for a walk (still leaving a trail of breadcrumbs of course)

Then all of the sudden Jesus decided that he just hated everyone who sinned (excluding himself, I think) and wished them all dead. Since God hadn't been inebriated enough in many, many, many years to do anything apocalyptic, like drowned the whole entire Earth and Jesus wasn't near powerful enough to do anything like that, he decided to kill/torture/scare out of their wits, all of the people in the whole wide world, except maybe some of his followers.

So was the beginning of the very first killings/torturing/scaring of all people that didn't follow Jesus' ways (I don't know which ways he was thinking of, but let's just humor him). He gathered some of his most dedicated followers and went out hunting people (much like the K.K.K. except without the stupid hats or cowering behind masks and they didn't burn crosses either, but this is mostly because no one felt like building them)

And so they first killed some sort of puppet that was sitting in a tree for forever unknown reasons. They made fun of Jewish children and poked people all afternoon. Then Jesus went after his follower Damien and killed him by tickling Damien until he laughed so hard the he died.

Jesus was leaving Damien's house just after the killing. God appeared right in front of Jesus and the 25 followers and a few spectators that had been following the "Christians" all afternoon.

"Jesus, hey man, that's not cool. You're, like, poking people and stuff, one thing, why do you have such bad intentions? Another thing, why are you so bad at carrying out these intentions?" God said as seriously as he could.

"I kill only for you, Father." Jesus said loudly.

"Yes, Father, we kill in you're name!" yelled some random person, here by known asfollower #17 (or Mike)

"Two things! One, I'm his dad, not yours. Two, kill in his name, Jesus is just trying to get me in trouble."

"We kill and torture and scare in the name of Jesus…uhh…Jesus, what is your last name?" yelled one of the followers, here by known asfollower #23 (or Seth)

"It's Christ." Jesus answered impatiently.

"We kill and torture and scare in the name of Jesus Christ!" yelled most of the followers (person #17 did not yell because he was looking at a beetle)

"Hey Jesus, I'm sorry about that whole"it's your fault" thing, but it is your fault, and I can't get blamed for this, I've got enough shitto deal with." God said as he dematerialized to wherever he thought would be a nice place to materialize in.

Jesus ignored God, but decided that he wasn't going to kill anymore; this was because it's bad enough to have people killing for you without killing people yourself, since the followers would listen to him no matter what, Jesus decided they would do all of the work and Jesus would point and laugh at other's misfortunes because Jesus is the first "Christian-who-will-watch-people-get-killed-and-even-though-he-didn't-kill-anyone-it's-still-his-fault".

About a few weeks later Jesus was watching a women be made to sneeze uncontrollably (because Jesus, yes him not God, had decided women were sinners for just being alive, and Jesus still wondered why he couldn't get laid, but he made himself not care because he decided it was sin anyways) and God materialized in front of him. Then dematerialized. Then materialized. Then dematerialized. Then materialized. Then dematerialized. Then materialized.

"Could you stop that!" Jesus yelled.

"Sorry, but I've just discovered how much fun this really is." God said nodding his head a little.

"You idiotic bastard, will you please leave!" Jesus said to God

"Hey, I thought you were the bastard in this story." said God as he dematerialized, he then materialized right next to Jesus, who had been sitting in a chair this whole time even though I didn't tell you that he was.

"Are you high?"

"Hhhmmm….possibly. You know, I can't remember."

"So why are you here?" said Jesus as the sneezing woman was escorted from the building and later executed for sneezing too close to God. (I haven't a clue why they would punish her for that, but they did anyways)

"Oh, right, remember that tongue piercing?"

"No, I don't want one I told you already!"

"No, it's not that. I think it might be infected and it hurts terribly and I need to send a letter. Would you lick the stamp and envelope, please?" said God as he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope and stamp.

"Fine, will you go away afterwards?"

"That depends, whatcha' gunna do when I leave?"

"I don't know. Sleep or try to get people to convert to worship me or something."

"Why do you want people to worship you?"

"I don't know. I lead a shunned life and the only member of my family that will talk with me is my least favorite family member." Jesus answered

"Oh, who is this family member? Is it me? Oh, can it be me? Pick me! But that still doesn't answer my question."

"Since everyone needs a purpose I decided mine will be to rule over an entire world, in which all of the inhabitants worship me." Jesus answered; he tried very hard to sound very important, but had a bit of a sore throat and didn't quite pull it off. He then licked the stamp and envelope and placed the stamp on the envelope and handed it back to God.

"Good luck with that. But you should know that you are to be assassinated by a group of Pagans three years from this Tuesday. Oops, I think Gabe said not to tell you that. Oh well, enjoy your next three years and four days of life." God then dematerialized. Then materialized in the same place. "It's just so fun!" he said, then dematerialized probably to the nearest mail box to mail his letter.

"I hate that guy." said Jesus as he got up and left the building to go "preach" starting with his cousin John, who had been lost for a very long time and from this, I am led to believe that a bad sense of direction runs in his family.

He wandered for seven days and a probably two nights, but the other five at nights he went to sleep. Then he found John, walking in circles around a tree tracking his own footprints.

"John, you are a retard!" Jesus said from the opposite side of the tree that John was at.

"Jesus! Jesus, is that you? I must be getting close to home; it feels like I've been on this road for ages!" John hollered back.

"Well, you're even more lost than you think because you've been circling this tree for quite a long time." Jesus said as he walked around the tree to where John was.

"I was beginning to think this piece of wall looked familiar."

"Listen, I need you to convert to my religion so that we can baptize everyone, if you don't I'll make sure you go to Hell." Said Jesus rather monotone (or monotonly if you want to start making up words)

"Hell, is it nice there?" John asked

"No because it's just a big fiery pit."

"Oh, well how do I baptize myself?"

"You're the Baptist, you figure it out." Jesus said in a nasty tone, the kind of tone that makes you think that you don't like this person because they are mean.

John then proceeded to shoot himself in the head with a water pistol. "You know what we should tell everyone!" John said after baptizing himself.

"What?"

"That they'll go to Hell if we don't baptize them, that way we can shoot people with water!"

"Good idea. And we can even make it looked like they wet themselves!"

And so it was. They kept shooting people with water and scaring them to make them convert, then killing them anyways. God didn't like this, but whenever he was going to do some thing he got distracted and forgot what he was going to do.

Them came the day, three years from this Tuesday (as God had said), when Jesus was killed by some really fucking angry Pagans, but traditions of Christianity still held (except during the middle ages when no one could really afford water guns, this was when the idea of putting water on the forehead was thought of)

And so comes the slightly more interesting subject of Jesus: After Death.