Chapter Five
The Nature of Sin
Former Crewwoman and Ex-Security Officer Mary Louise Tigat sat on the edge of the thin bunk that was the only furnishing in the left of two cells that comprised the brig. Beyond the reinforced transparent aluminum, itself an inch thick; were a small alcove and then the door to the corridor beyond. Normally there would be an inner and outer guard, but Security was stretched to the limit. The only other woman in the department was Andrea Carstairs, and only one man had been found on this shift that Reed was certain would not break Tigat's neck, so he was assigned to corridor duty.
She did not expect to see another living soul aboard the ship until the day came when she was taken away to be brought before a Court Martial Board on Earth, so she was fairly surprised when the door slid open and her erstwhile associate admitted Mother McCabe. The door slid closed behind her.
Rev. Patricia McCabe was wearing her own uniform, black trousers and a back button royal blue shirt, the collar of which was a high stiff band of white. About her neck was a blue cloth collar of the same color as her shirt, from the 'V' of which hung, before her breasts, a red Christian cross fronting a white Maltese cross. At the crosspiece was a black Temple cross, overlaid with a red banner upon which was depicted a slanted cross of gold, thus combining four emblems in one.
Draped from her shoulders was a long purple stole that reached almost to her knees, embroidered about a foot from each end with a gold crown within which was a slanted red cross. A third emblem in the middle was hidden by the woman's chestnut hair.
For a long moment neither woman spoke, until finally Patricia broke the silence. "I thought you'd like to talk." Her voice was held carefully neutral.
Mary's eyes flickered to the long purple stole the older woman wore. "Confess, you mean."
"I came prepared." Patricia said as carefully.
For a long time neither spoke, Mary staring up at the Priest through the thick barrier. The ventilation holes cut in it provided space for words to pass, but little more. "I never meant to hurt anyone." Patricia did not try to answer. "I guess you're pretty mad at me too."
"I'm very angry, yes." The Priest told her; grateful for the chance to be honest even in the careful self-control she needed to keep; to allow her to perform her duty. She tried once again to push back her anger, to deal with this woman with the mercy and understanding one of her charges deserved to be shown. "I've been violated in the same way all the women on this ship, and many of the men, have been violated."
"Do you want to kill me too?"
"No child, I don't."
Mary looked at her a long time, but could not find a lie. "You know the irony? I took private pictures, but Kathy McMahon, because she was mad at me, made them public. So in a sense I'm kind of a victim too." She looked closely at the Priest. "What do you think of that?"
McCabe reached out, touched a button, and the aluminum barrier between them slid aside. Mary leaned back, apprehensive. She was very much aware that they were completely alone. But McCabe, though she stepped inside, made no move to hurt her.
"To answer that would be to judge you." The Priest told her, not willing to allow herself to give in to the satisfaction of that temptation. She touched the cross suspended at her chest, saying a silent though fervent prayer for patience. "We are taught not to judge. We're to hate the sin, but love the sinner."
Privately, Patricia had to admit it had been a long time since she had found the spirit of those words to be so hard.
"So, is that what I am?"
"Again, I'm not here to judge." She said as neutrally as she could. "What you did was wrong. If what you did was a sin, that's for you to answer. I am here to provide Absolution, if you want it; and to talk, if that's what you want. Anything you say to me cannot go further. It can't even be used at your trial."
Actually it was not that universal, McCabe admitted silently. Anything said under the Seal of Confession was sacrosanct, but discussion outside the pale could be subpoenaed, so it was in Tigat's best interest if she were to speak under Sacramental Seal. But she could not force it, only offer.
She did not want to be here. She was here because it was her duty. But try as she would to shut off her feelings and concentrate on her duty, it was very hard. She could not remember a time when it was so hard.
"Even if I were to confess something so utterly shocking that you would be sickened by it?" Tigat challenged. "Even if I were to confess that I collected pictures of other women because I am sexually excited by them?"
"Even then,"
"Even if I were to confess that I fantasized about being with those women, and pleasured myself during those fantasies? Even if I were to tell you that I fantasized about you?"
Patricia was appalled by the thought, and tried very hard not to let it show in her face. It took her a much longer moment this time, and she had to force herself to answer. "Even then."
Mary stared up at the Priest, trying to read her thoughts, but the woman was as carefully controlled in her own way as a Vulcan. She stared for a long time, trying to see beyond the control, beyond her own pain. Finally:
x
"Then I will confess. I'll confess to using – to abusing – my position to gather a stash of private pictures that I never thought anyone would ever see! I'll confess to stupidity in allowing someone I trusted – someone I loved – to learn a secret that should never have been shared!" But then her voice hardened.
"But I will not 'confess' to my desires, nor to what makes me what I am!" She looked up at the woman, challenging, but Patricia showed no judgment. "I won't confess to liking women, to being a lesbian, because that is what I am! There're billions of us, and there is nothing wrong with it!"
McCabe did not answer. She concentrated on the discipline of her Calling, drawing intensely on her training to endure this for the sake of the woman under her charge, and made her silence draw the seated woman out.
"And yes, I'm ashamed." Tigat admitted regretfully. "Deeply ashamed. Ashamed of using my position for personal gain, ashamed of losing the trust and respect of people I like and respect, but I am not ashamed of my feelings!" She stood up, turning away toward the blank wall.
"I'm going to be put off this ship, and that shames me. But I can never look at anyone aboard here ever again. I collected a load of pictures; I invaded privacy; I broke regulations …" She whirled about, anger finally finding vent. "But Kathy made them public! She took revenge on me but hurt over eighty people, and I hope she is caught and punished! This is as much her fault as mine, and I hope she suffers for it! She sabotaged the computers; she planted the virus, she –!"
x
Mary's words died as she looked into the eyes of the Priest. For a long moment she could say nothing, overwhelmed by anger, but then the anger deserted her and she sat down, able to think of only one thing. "If I hadn't done it, Andi wouldn't have stabbed herself." She looked up imploringly, the pain in her soul finally showing through. "Is she going to be all right?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know."
"Would you find out?" She asked hopefully. "And tell me?"
"Of course."
Mary held her eyes for as long as she could, but then the growing weight of guilt made it impossible. The worst part of this whole disaster was what it had driven her friend to do. "She's going to hate me too, isn't she?"
"Again, I don't know."
Somewhere in all that had happened, Patricia realized her anger with this woman was gone. She no longer had to restrain a burning rage, and offered heartfelt thanks even as she tried to deal with this woman as her Calling demanded; perhaps to even help her, if she could.
She still had to admit that this time she did not want to. Fortunately for the sake of her own soul, she realized, she had to. She had no choice.
x
Mary stared at her hands, whispering sadly, "I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I hadn't taken those damned pictures! I wish there were some way I could undo all the hurt!" She looked up imploringly. "But there isn't, is there? Is there any way I can make amends, make it all better? I didn't think I'd hurt anyone with my collection. I never thought I'd hurt anyone!"
"I know, child."
Tigat was silent for a long time. "But I'm doomed, aren't I?" She asked morosely. "I mean, I know I'm going to be punished, that's one thing. I invaded privacy, used security systems for personal gain – but I never meant to hurt anyone!"
"I know."
"How can I make this up to people? How can I make this better?"
x
Patricia McCabe looked into the pleading eyes of the young woman, seeing only the pain and misery, and a guilt that would last for untold years. She wished she had an answer.
"I can only offer Absolution for such sins as you wish to be redeemed from." Patricia reminded her, though inwardly she wondered if she was reminding the other woman, or herself. "Penance would be in making things up to the ones you wronged, about eighty people, and that is a painful road. If you want to do it, I will help you travel it, try to strengthen you along the way, but you face a future of much pain – and I cannot promise that some of it will not be physical."
Tigat shook her head. "I'd have to stay, and I cannot do that. And even if I did – I'm afraid!" She finished in a whisper. She shook her head miserably. "Even if I did 'confess' to you, even if I could, what I did is breaking the law, breaking regulations, abusing my office. That … secular crime is what they are going to punish me for. But the desire to start, to enjoy, the collection stems from who I am! And I don't think being a lesbian is a sin!"
"Neither do I."
Mary looked up at her in utter shock. "What did you say?" She breathed.
"You heard me. I don't think that is a sin. Sin is the knowing that what you are doing is wrong in the sight of God and doing it anyway. You betrayed a trust, and you betrayed your friends, even if no one had ever found out about it. But is your sexuality a sin? In the end, you are the one who has to answer that."
"No. It's not!"
"Then let's move on, shall we? You know where you stand, you know what you feel."
x
Mary sat for several moments, staring at the far wall, seeking an answer, or help, in unyielding steel. Finally, with the conviction of someone who has made a firm decision, she turned back to McCabe.
"I want a trial."
McCabe gave her a small, ironic smile. "That's guaranteed."
"No, not on Earth. Not at Alpha Centauri Starbase, far away from here. I want a trial here, among the people I … the people that matter."
McCabe shook her head sadly. "You can never get a fair … wait; an impartial trial here. It took going through the entire roster just to find three shifts to guard you, to ensure your safety."
"Nevertheless, I want to be tried here. I want to settle this, the legal aspect, so that I can get on with making amends."
McCabe shook her head, unable to believe what she was hearing. "This is career suicide."
"My career's over! You think anyone will ever hire me even on Earth for Security duties any higher than dog catcher? I intend to plead 'guilty' and throw myself upon the mercy, such as it is, of the Court."
"That's a serious mistake."
"What choice do I have?"
"A large one. Right now, you are scheduled to be put off the ship onto the first Earth vessel we can possibly rendezvous with, and ultimately be returned to Alpha Centauri, or to Earth. That may take weeks, in which time tempers will cool. You'll be assigned an Advocate who will represent you in your case – you will have full choice in that. You'll be tried by a Board not consisting of anyone you have offended. That is the best you can be offered. Further, before you go I will be available to talk, and anything you say under Sacramental Seal cannot be used at your trial. I am forbidden to reveal anything I hear.
"Then, once all is said and done, if you want to return and face those you hurt, I will speak with the Captain and arrange it."
Mary stared at her for a long moment, and then shook her head. "No. I've made up my mind. I want to be tried here."
"Even though you said you were scared."
"I'll face my fear, and I'll face them. In time, I'll even face Andi and beg her forgiveness."
Patricia McCabe OSJ stared at the younger woman for a long moment, and finally reached a decision. And the decision she reached went against all her convictions, so much so that for the first time in her Clerical life she spoke her mind without reservation or gentle compassion. "All right, I'll bring your request to the Captain. I'll even try to find you an Advocate – somewhere!
"But frankly, I think that you're insane! And if you are planning to use that as a defense, I suggest forgetting about it. Your psych evaluations will be more influential to the Board than one stupid decision!"