Disclaimer: I don't own MASH. If I did, it would have been even slashier, if that's humanly possible.
A/N: This takes place during the episode "Hey, Doc" in Season 4, um, sometime after Hawkeye injects Griswald. There was a scene in it that was unbelievably slashy: Radar says, "Sweetheart, you just say the word and you'll make me the happiest man in this camp..." while holding Klinger's hand, Hawkeye and Colonel Griswald walk in, and Klinger pulls away. Radar says, "Come on. I'm serious. Where--" Then he sees them, says "Oh!", jumps up, still holding Klinger's hand, then says hastily, "We were just rehearsing for the talent show. Honest to God." They go out the door, holding on to each other, then as they go out, Klinger says, "I told you we should've gone to my place."
Hawkeye sighed. "Right, next order of business," he muttered to himself. "Find Radar and Klinger."
Radar was easy; he'd returned to his office a few minutes ago. Hawkeye could hear the typewriter ticking away. Klinger, on the other hand, would be harder to find. Of course, he was a very distinct person, but he was…flexible. He could be anywhere.
"Radar, I want to see you in the Swamp in fifteen minutes," Hawkeye said to Radar as he went out the door, as Radar said, "I'll come to the Swamp in fifteen minutes."
Hawkeye walked across the compound to the mess tent, and peered in. No Klinger. He turned and headed toward Klinger's tent, but again, no Klinger. "Hey, Zale, you seen Klinger?" Hawkeye called as he passed the sergeant.
"Yeah, he just went into post-op," Zale replied. Hawkeye groaned in frustration and re-entered the building he had left such a short time ago.
"Klinger!" he said, catching sight of a blue skirt and red sweater.
Klinger turned toward him. "Yes, sir?"
"Are you busy?"
"Do I look busy?" Klinger retorted, a box of supplies in his arms.
Hawkeye shrugged. "Well, you never can tell. Listen, I need to see you in the Swamp in five minutes."
"But Hawkeye--"
Hawkeye sighed. "Come on, it'll get you out of doing this, for a few minutes at least."
"Yes, sir," Klinger replied. "You can explain to Major Houlihan why her nurses don't have what they need."
"I will," Hawkeye replied. He grinned, and headed to the Swamp himself, to make sure it was clear of all Swamp rats. He found one.
"Beej, wanna clear out for a few minutes? I need to talk to someone in private."
B.J. looked up from a letter. "A lady someone?"
Hawkeye shrugged. "Almost."
"Ah, a Klinger someone," B.J. said, nodding. "All right, I'll leave. I'm due in post-op in a few minutes anyway." He stood and stretched, then opened the door, just as Radar approached.
"You wanted to see me Captain Pierce?" Radar said.
B.J. raised his eyebrows. "Two someones?"
"Yeah. Come in, Radar. Go out, B.J." B.J. grinned and waved, then headed off to post-op. "Sit, Radar," Hawkeye continued, gesturing to a cot.
Radar sat, and then said tentatively, "Two someones, sir?" Before Hawkeye could answer, Klinger knocked on the door.
"Come!" Hawkeye called, and Klinger walked in. "Ah, just in time. Klinger, sit." Hawkeye gestured to the cot beside Radar. Klinger sat, and then Hawkeye himself sat in a chair.
Radar and Klinger exchanged nervous looks. "Hey, uh, is this about earlier? Because--"
Hawkeye held up a hand. "Wait a minute. Yes, this is about earlier, but don't look so worried. I'm a good guy, remember?" Klinger and Radar exchanged another nervous look. Hawkeye sighed. "Look, I'm not stupid, I can see what you two have going on. Fortunately, the rest of the camp is stupid, and you haven't been caught yet--except for today." Catching yet another nervous look, Hawkeye said exasperatedly, "You haven't been caught before, have you?"
"No," Klinger mumbled.
"Good. Now look, I'm not telling you to stop--god knows we could use some love over here--I'm saying to be more careful, be more discreet, and don't propose in the front office. Besides, you can't get married anyway." Hawkeye smiled at them.
"I wasn't proposing!" Radar said indignantly. "I was…"
"Being dramatic," Klinger said, grinning at Radar affectionately. "But the answer is yes."
Radar blushed and grinned back.
"That's exactly what I'm talking about," Hawkeye said. "Anyone could--"
Klinger stood up. "It seems to me, Captain, that you shouldn't be lecturing us. Anyone with half a brain could see what was going on between you and Trapper."
Radar nodded. "And between you and B.J.," he added.
Hawkeye sucked in a breath. "Fortunately, no one here has half a brain. Except you two, apparently." He sighed. "Just remember what I said, okay?"
They both nodded, and stood to leave. Before they reached the door, Hawkeye suddenly realized something. "Hey, there's nothing going on between me and B.J."
Radar looked surprised, and Klinger said, "Maybe there should be." They left the Swamp, leaving Hawkeye confused and contemplative.